Love? Give it six months

Warning: this story will contain mentions of unhealthy relationships and adult themes. The main character also has some character traits that may differs from your own, please do keep that in mind.
Review and comments will be appreciated
(Customisation)
There once was a dashing bachelor
(That looked like )(uses the OH male feces)
Face 1
Face 2
Face 3
Face 4
(Hairstyles)
James Bond (black slick backed)
Don Diego Vega (dark brown wavy hair slicked back long neck)
Steve Rogers (Short blonde side swept hair)
Agent J (Short kinky curls)
Is this him?
Yes
No (go back to customisation)
What is his name?
(Default: George)
(Surname)
(Default: Bishop)
There he meets
A beautiful woman
A handsome man
A beautiful woman
Face 1 (Asian; has pale skin, dark almond eyes, straight black mid-back hair with a mid-part)
Face 2 (Hispanic: has tan skin, deep brown eye and over shoulder-length volumes wavy hair with side bangs.)
Face 3 (Afro-American: dark skin, expressive brown eyes with long blackish brown chest-length kinky curly hair.)
Face 4 (Caucassian: pinkish skin with freckles, clear blue round eyes, collarbone length layered dirty blonde hair)
A handsome man
Face 1 (Asian: pale skin, dark almond eyes, straight black hair put up in a pompadour style)
Face 2 (Hispanic: tan skin, with slicked back wavy hair that always looks like it is coming undone.)
Face 3 (Afro-American: dark skin, expressive brown eyes, with a crewcut with tight natural curls.)
Face 4 (Caucasian: pinkish skin with freckles, clear blue eyes, dirty blonde hair in a Taper haircut.)
As the two peoples eyes lock across the room. The sensation of a pull drives them to get closer to one another.
As the dashing bachelor offered his hand his partner gladly accepted it. Leading into a dance that lasted the rest of the night.
The whole world faded away to the sound of the Jazz band, their breathing and their dancing.
As their lips moved to meet...
???: “Oh come now Joanna, you know that is no way that would ever happen.”
​
(Record Scratch)
Joanna: “Oh for craps sake, George I was getting to the best part.”
George: “Forgive me for finding it uncomfortable that you have decide how my love life is going to go.”
Lance: “He does have a point there sis.”
Joanna: “Way to stand up for your sister Lance.”
Lance “Look I’m all for love conquers and all that jazz but it is kind of difficult to make a love life for someone else.”
George: “Thank you.”
Lance: “I mean he isn’t a completely lost cause. I’m sure some desperate soul will take him.”
Lance: “I mean he’s got dads looks, and he managed to get with mom when they were young.”
Lance: “That might make up for his zero tact.”
George: “Your faith in me is awe inspiring.”
Lance: “Oh cheer up. With your upcoming trip to Vegas, maybe you’ll have luck in love and not just on the poker table.”
Joanna: “Maybe you’ll meet someone special!”
You snort, finding the idea silly.
George: “I wouldn’t bet on it.”
Chapter 1: One night in Vegas
In an underground speakeasy decked out in old decor from the 20th centuries first half. You sit there nursing your drink. After a long day at the office you love nothing more than when you can enjoy your secret fancy. Dressed up in an old-fashioned pinstripe suit and a fedora. You feel like a king, this little piece of haven in Chicago that seemed to be frozen in time.
You feel your friend beside you stir, he himself having to relax from work as well as dreading an upcoming event.
After his fifth sight you opt to actually talk about it.
You take a swing of your drink and decide to talk about the elephant in the room.
Or more accurately you decide to talk about the issue in pre 1940’s slang
George: “Your bear cat of a sister still giving you a hard time?”
Jeremy: “Noneofya.”
He mumbled.
George: “Look Pally, I known you since we were scrubs and had squat. What's eating you?”
Jeremy: “That dame will chisel me out of every dime I own.”
George: “Stephie acting like a Big cheese cause she is getting hitched?”
Jeremy: “She wants everything spiffy and I’m quite sure her ankle biters will be paying the bills. My folks are on my case regarding my dame.”
You think for a moment. Jeremy and Katie had been together for four years. They got one another, they lived together.
George: “Stephie’s lucky her guy thinks she’s the Cat's meow.”
You said reflecting on everything you ever heard regarding Darren, he was a good guy. Definitely not the smartest but he loved Stephanie like she was the only woman alive. You just wondered why anyone would want to spend time with that woman.
Jeremy: “Alright, real talk.”
Jeremy said as he dropped ‘the act’, we were no longer hot shots in the prohibition era. We were now just George Bishop and Jeremy Jackson a financial advisor and a computer wizard.
George: “In all do honesty I do not see why you need to go there? Aren’t bachelorette parties strictly female?”
Jeremy: “They used to be, but I am quite sure I am not going with them to be pampered like the bridesmaids.”
George: “Then your function is?”
Jeremy: “If I were to guess, fall guy and pack mule.”
Jeremy: “I think she is also doing it to brag, that ‘she did it first.’ To rub it in Katie’s face.”
George: “You never really care what your sister does. Why now?”
Jeremy: “Because they are pressuring me and Katie. Not just my family but next to everyone we know. ‘When is the wedding? What is the venue? How many guests? Are you going to have it this year?’ Look I love my girl, but none of us is in rush to walk down the aisle.”
​
Yeah, you know, you were the first one Jeremy told about his plan to propose. You were happy for him but at the end of the day it was up to Katie and Jeremy. Not you or their families. However the rest of the world seemed to think differently.
Mom: “Oh sweetheart, happy valentine’s day! Are you spending it with someone special?”
George: “Mom, you know I am not looking for someone.”
Mom: “Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find that certain someone sooner or later.”
​
Yeah, it isn’t enough your sister is married and your brother is utterly twitterpated with his boyfriend. You need to ensure your oldest is also with someone.
​
Boss: “Mr. Bishop, I must say. I am impressed with your work ethics, but we have decided to go with Mr. Robinson as the face of the company.”
Never minding the fact that you worked twice as hard as said college.
George: “I understand. May I ask what made you choose him?”
Boss: “We did research and found that your college would be favourable, due to circumstance.”
​
Translation: we wanted a man that was married and not the workaholic bachelor.
​
​
Stranger 1: “You see that guy over there?”
Stranger 2: “You mean the one with the RBF?”
Stranger 1: “Yeah, probably one of those loners, will never find anyone.”
Stranger 2: “I mean who goes to a restaurant like this alone?”
​
Honestly? You can’t have a meal alone?
​
​
George: “Yeah, I know that feeling.”
Jeremy: “Seriously.”
Both of you take a sigh.
Jeremy: “But in all honesty. Thank you for coming along, I really appreciate it. Would probably loose my mind if I went alone.”
George: “Of course.”

1. It would be a shame to lose my partner in crime.
   
2. My boss would be pissed if I didn’t.
   
3. Who would turn down free drinks?
   

Jeremy: “Yeah sounds about right.” *Choice 1*
George: “Remember how we got back at Marcus Thatcher?” *Choice 1*
Jeremy: “Oh, I remember. Too bad he didn’t check the file we sent, it might have saved him some embarrassment.” *Choice 1*
George: “Big tough football star being fooled by ‘two scrawny’ freshmen.” *Choice 1*
Jeremy: “And we were hailed as heroes for a month.” *Choice 1*
Jeremy: “Wait, don’t tell me HR department has been on your case.” *Choice 2*
Geroge: “Yep, too much overtime.” *Choice 2*
Geroge: “Never mind I make sure that everything is quality controlled.” *Choice 2*
Jeremy: “Geesh. Well glad to know I could be of service.” *Choice 2*
Jeremy: “Ah there it is, I knew you had a hidden agenda. *Choice 3*
George: “Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, when have I ever hid something from you?” *Choice 3*
Jeremy: “Alright fair, you are honest to the point of insult.” *Choice 3*
Geroge: “You asked for my opinion, besides those shoes where ugly as sin.” *Choice 3*
Both of you laugh, you had been in each other’s life since kindergarten. You where the odd ducks, most kids and adults always considered you to be cold or judging. Even if neither of you had that intention.
Jeremy raises his glass.
Jeremy: “To intellectual companions.”
George: “To intellectual friends.”
You said as you raised your own drink in a toast.
​
​
The weekend finally arrived for the trip. You arrived at O’Hare airport with a good three hours to spare. You crack open the book you brought with you.
It was a supernatural detective story you received as a gift on last birthday a few months back. While you applaud your sister for trying, it was still jarring to follow all the supernatural deus-ex-machinas that discarded real detective work.
So that is how a 31 year old was reading a supernatural book in broad daylight.
George: ‘ with gun drawn, Duskraven made her way down the basement, the surroundings smelled of blood and muck.’
Geroge: ‘Romano’s empire was now in full display in front of her. Fae, lined the walls, eyes hollow and only the movement of their chest indicating they were still alive.’
George: ‘Duskraven took out her polaroid camera, it was a risky but if this would ever have a chance to justice. Her leads and information would need to be solid if she wanted to take down the vampire cartel. She just hoped the light for the camera would be noticed.’
George: ‘With a blinding light the entire basement lit up temporarily blinding her, when she regained her sight again a new horror met her eyes. Multiple pairs of hungry red eyes.’
Jeremy: “George!”
You tear your eyes away from the book in your hand.
There is Jeremy and Katie, hand in hand. Seeing them together was always a happy occasion.
Katie and Jeremy met at your favourite speakeasy a few years back. You didn’t blame your friend for becoming interested in the ICU nurse. Curly red hair and big blue eyes. Even if the courtship had started out rocky due to both of them being so shy. They overcame that hurdle and found something they wanted.
Sometimes however you wished you didn’t feel like you were interrupting them.
George: “Good morning, is Stephanie and her friends also here?”
Katie: “No they had a sleep over at Daria’s house. So they will be carpooling.”
You look at your clock and it was about two hours before the plane would take off, your bags where checked in and you were ready to leave and get to the section where the gates would be. But there was still no sign of Stephanie.
As you though you heard a rumbling sound.
Both you and Katie looked at Jeremy as a sheepish grim grew on his face.
Katie: “Told you, a ham sandwich wouldn’t hold.”
Jeremy: “It will hold till lunch, which is a few hours away.”
George: “You sure that is a good idea?”
Jeremy: “Tell you what, I’ll go if you come with me and Katie.”
Katie: “So what do you say?”
McDermott's
· Sure, I could have a bite. (💎12)
· Perhaps we shouldn’t
Diamond Choice:
George: “Alright, let us have something to eat.”
Jeremy: “Good! Airplane food leaves much to be desired.”
Katie: “You always think with your stomach.”
Jeremy: “Yet you love me.”
Katie: “Yes, odd isn’t it?”
You make your way inside and stay in line.
You look at the menu and order
· Breakfast burrito
· Bacon and scrambled eggs
· Fruit and oatmeal
You order your food along with a big coffee. You all slide into the booth, Katie had her yogurt in hand both of you looked worryingly at Jeremy’s breakfast.
(Tilting tower of pancakes)
(Holy crap!)
You swore for a moment both you and Katie was reading each other’s mind.
‘He is going to puke.’
George: “Hey Jeremy, think you can get some napkins?”
Jeremy: “Sure.”
As he left you plied a few pancakes away, making sure that you saved the top one so he wouldn’t notice. Katie making sure the tower didn’t fall.
She gave a thumbs up, thanking you.
George: “So Katie, how have you been?”
Katie: “There is always a lot of things to do at the ICU, sometime I wonder where humanity is headed.”
George: “Really, that bad?”
Katie: “How would you explain having a locomotive lodge up your rectum?”
George: “How did that happened?”
Katie: “They claim they fell on it, if I had a dollar every time this happened I wouldn’t have any student debts.”
You shake your head, you have been thinking a bit about what Jeremy said at the Speakeasy. You had also noticed that something was up with Katie, she was on edge.
George: “Katie…”
1. “Did you want to go on this trip?”
2. “Has Mr and Mrs Jackson been pressuring you?”
3. “Do you want to get married?”
Katie: “In all honesty no, but Stephanie has made me a bridesmaid. I need to partake in these things. Even if I wish I didn’t.” *Choice 1\*
George: “Why?” *Choice 1\*
Katie: “I wish I could care as little about protocol as you do, but she is Jeremy’s sister, if I say no it might affect my relationship with Jeremy and his family.” *Choice 1\*
Katie: “Yes, I mean no, I mean… it’s complicated.” *Choice 2\*
George: “How come?” *Choice 2\*
Katie: “I’m 30 years old George, time is ticking. They want grandchildren to spoil.” *Choice 2\*
George: “And you have to be married to do that?” *Choice 2\*
Katie: “Of course I love Jeremy.” *Choice 3\*
George: “That wasn’t the question, do you want to get married?” *Choice 3\*
Katie: “It is just so big, all those expectations. I… it scares the crap out of me.” *Choice 3\*
George: “Listen, I will tell you something.”
You said using your stern voice.
George: “Jeremy loves you, he chose you. You chose him. That is the truth at the end of the day.”
Katie looked at you, a shy smile graced her lips. She mouthed a thank you.
Jeremy made his way back to you with a great pile of napkins. You all begin to take part of the meal. During the entire meal Katie and Jeremy’s shoulders touched and they looked as content as they could be.
(‘Loving it’ you had breakfast at McDermott)
None diamond choice:
George: “Let us just sit down and relax, we should be in Las Vegas at 1 am. Knowing Stephanie we will probably eat something there before heading to the hotel.”
Katie: “Maybe, I’ll get some water at least.”
Jeremy: “Good idea.”
(‘Not hungry’ you didn’t have a McDermott breakfast)
As all of you wait for the supposed ‘bride’ you hear commotion.
Sure enough you see a brunette with a close to permanent scowl on her face. Followed but two very flustered women.
“There you are! WHERE have you been?!”
Her tone is as pleasant as you remember, nails on a chalkboard.
Jeremy: “We have been here waiting for you.”
Stephanie: “You aren’t even going to help me with my bags. What type of brother are you?”
Jeremy: “Well we are here, we have about half an hour before the plane leaves. So let’s get to the gate.”
Stephanie just huffed. Storming away.
George: “Wow she is in a good mood.”
You state sarcastically.
Jeremy: “Yeah she gets like that some time.”
Jeremy: “Just try not to set her of, she can be a handful.”
Katie: “I mean how bad could it possibly be?”
You were never the very superstitious type, but you were quite sure that Katie just opened Pandora’s Box.
​
​
From the time the plane touched ground in Nevada everything that could set of Stephanie did.
Stephanie: “URRGH!!! where is that shuttle! He is LATE!!”
Jeremy: “They told us like five minutes ago there is traffic jam.”
Stephanie: “Then he should have planned it earlier!”
Stephanie: “I will not wait an hour! WE have a schedule to follow!”
George:’ This coming from the woman that almost missed the plane to her own bachelorette party.’
Daria: “They say it is only another 15 minutes.”
​
​
Stephanie: “I DON’T CAREEEEE!”
Stephanie: “What do you mean that our suits where not booked?”
Receptionist: “You never sent in the deposit for your stay.”
Stephanie: “THAT WAS GEMMA’S JOB!”
Gemma: “I told you, the suits needed to be paid for by the same person that booked them.”
​
​
Stephanie: “You are a bridesmaid, you are supposed to make things work!”
George: ‘Honetly…’
George: “Sigh…”
Stephanie: “THIS ISN’T WHAT I ORDERED!”
Waitress: “Yes it is, you wanted a calamari.”
The poor waitress looked exhausted and probably wanted to be anywhere but here, not that one could blame her.
Stephanie: “NO IT ISN’T! I wanted the pasta with bacon and cheese.”
Katie: “A cabonara?”
Jeremy: “Stephie we are at a seafood restaurant.”
​
​
George: ‘IS she ever satisfied?’
All of us where back at the hotel, Stephanie insisting that they ‘needed’ a new set of clothes for the casino and club they were planning on hitting. Jeremy looked ready to just give up.
George: “You know, you could simply say no to her.”
Jeremy threw an exhausted glair at me.
Jeremy: “If it was so simple neither me, you nor Katie would be here right now.”
George: “And you wouldn’t be here doing this Sisyphean task, which obviously brings you missery.”
Jeremy: “Yeah well, I still want my parents in my life, if I didn’t do this, they would never let me live it down.”
What to wear to the casino?
· Tuxedo 007 (💎 15)
· Basic black
Diamond option:
Jeremy: “You look like James Bond.”
George: “I’ll have a martini, shaken not stirred.”
You said and an amused smile spread across Jeremy’s face.
None diamond choice
“I Think I’ll stick with this.”
“Fair enough, I am too exhausted to care anyway.”
​
​
​
Jeremy said with a tired smile. You both left the room, making our way to one of the pulsing centres of the strip.
There in the golden casinos you thought finally your luck would finally turn for the better. That the glamorous atmosphere would rub off on the soon-to-be bride. Causing her to stop doing her impression of a screeching barn owl and let ALL of them enjoy Sin City.
Well it seemed to have worked, for now.
Both you and Jeremy where at the black jack tables, enjoying yourself. While the ladies were back at the slots machines.
Jeremy folded a while ago, it is just you and one more. You looked down at your cards a jack and an ace. You opponent opposite you had this confident smirk on his face. But you saw how the sweat was running down his face. He was bluffing.
George: “Hum…”

1. Act as if you have a bad hand
   
2. Act arrogant and self-assured
   
3. Do not react at all and watch the man squirm
   

You decide to let your brows furrow in what would look like frustration. The man opposite you lets the edge of his mouth turn in a smirk. His confidence boosting with every minute. *Choice 1*
You decide to put on the theatrics, giving a smile like the cat that ate the canary you look at your opponent. That is growing more and more agitated by the minute. *Choice 2*
You keep your face natural, a lot of people often comment that you look angry whenever they see you. You could only assume it was true because your opponent was practically squirming in his seat. *Choice 3*
When he reviles his hand, you pause for a moment before reviling yours.
You won.
George: “I’ll be taking these.”
You said as you dragged them back chips and split them evenly between you and Jeremy. You had started with the same amount of tokens. Even if you did work with money daily, this was one of those occasions you allowed yourself to be a bit more relaxed regarding that subject.
Jeremy: “Nice one.”
George: “All in a day’s work.”
Jeremy: “So what next?”
Before you could answer you hear commotion from the opposite side of the casino. The screeching voice meant that Stephanie was somewhere in the middle of it. Both of you sigh, knowing that your happy hour was over.
Sure enough there at the era leading into one of the shows where Stephanie and her entourage, all of them except Stephanie wearing baby pink dresses and Stephanie herself wearing a sash reading ‘all hail the bride’ along with a tacky tiara probably worth a five dollar bill at most.
She was screaming at a bouncer, while all the others tried in vain to calm the soon-to-be bride.
Stephanie: “You are an idiot! What service is this!?”
When we had arrived there was already an audience forming. Yeah this was common whenever Stephanie was involved. ‘Drama Queen’ had been your nickname for her during high school for a reason.
Jeremy: “What happened?”
Bouncer: “Your friend here slapped one of your dancers, something about them stealing from them.”
Stephanie: “I am the BRIDE! I am not supposed to have to pay for anything during my bachelorette party.”
Jeremy: “Stephanie, what about we get some fresh air, okay?”
Jeremy said as he tried to deescalate the situation. He gently grabbed her arm, but Stephanie was having none of it.
It felt like it all happened in slow motion, Stephanie turned around and a closed fist and rage connected it with Jeremy’s face. Your friend flew back and hit his head on the floor pretty hard. Stephanie didn’t even care to check what state her brother was in. Katie flew to her fiancés side and the sight of your friend’s bleeding face was enough to make you see red.
George: “Alright enough.”

1. Scold her
   
2. Embarrass her
   
3. Give her the evil eye
   

George: “Stephanie, you are way out of line.” *Choice 1*
Stephanie: “No I am not!” *Choice 1*
George: “You have taken no responsibility during this trip, you have been rude to every member of the party, you have caused a scene at every place we have been to. Do I need to keep going?” *Choice 1*
Your voice is like ice, you swear the temperature just dropped a few degrees. As you pointed out everything she has done during the less than 24 hours you been together. *Choice 1*
Stephanie looks angrily at her bridesmaids as is she is waiting for them to defend her. *Choice 1*
They do not, they know you are just stating the truth. *Choice 1*
George: “Your own brother did not want to be on this trip, he begged me to come along. Doesn’t that tell you just how vile you have been acting?” *Choice 1*
Stephanie: “You listen here…”*Choice 1*
George: “No you listen for once in your life!” *Choice 1*
You rarely let your emotions out but Stephanie was a special case. *Choice 1*
George: “If this is how you treat people, do not be surprised when Darren leaves you at the altar. He deserve better than this.” *Choice 1*
With that as a closing line you left, Jeremy might need to get to the hospital. He was worth more than Stephanie would ever be in your eyes. *Choice 1*
As you leave you are quite sure you hear someone applauding. *Choice 1*
With determined steps you made your way to one of the waitresses. *Choice 2*
George: “Excuse me.” *Choice 2*
You hand her a 50 dollar bill as you grab a big jug glass filled with beer and briskly walk back to Stephanie that is still screaming profanities. Because of her back being turned to you she didn’t see you. You saw how people began to take out their cameras and phones. No one made a move to stop you. *Choice 2*
With one quick movement you had poured it over her and a shriek of surprise entered your ears. *Choice 2*
Stephanie: “What the fuck is wrong with you!?” *Choice 2*
George: “Are you done with your little temper tantrum?” *Choice 2*
Stephanie: “What!? How dare you!” *Choice 2*
George: “You have been acting like a spoiled five year old since the moment we landed. I am surprised no one has done anything until now.” *Choice 2*
Stephanie: “You are so not coming to my wedding!” *Choice 2*
George: “It isn’t a loss, I was never here for you. Now excuse me I have more important things to deal with.” *Choice 2*
You left Stephanie to deal with the people that had gathered for the ‘show’ and she began to scream at them and calling them all sorts of names. But no one was intimidated, they found it hilarious. *Choice 2*
You grab hold of Stephanie, until she has no choice but to look at you. She is screeching, calling you every slur and bad name in the book. Your hands are firm on her upper arm, you just hold no squeezing, no pushing. You keep your eyes locked on her, you must have stood there quite a while until finally her defiant stare became weaker and weaker. *Choice 3*
You kept hold of her until she burst out into tears. At that point you let her go. Knowing you had knocked her down a peg. *Choice 3*
​
But Stephanie wasn’t your main concern, Jeremy was. You moved to stay with Katie and Jeremy, the crowd parted as the red sea as you walked by. All in stunned silence. *Choice 3*
​
​
George: “Are you sure you’ll be alright?”
Jeremy grimaced at the questing, blood still trickling down his face from where he had been punched. Luckily the nose would heal, the only question was what colour it would be in time for Stephanie’s wedding.
Jeremy: “I’ll be fine, Katie is here too. She knows what she is doing.”
Katie: “Having your fiancé being a nurse does have its perks huh?”
Jeremy: “Yeah one of many.”
The two of them smile at one another, before Jeremy turn back to you.
Jeremy: “Think you can manage your own?”
George: “I think I can stay out of trouble for one night.”
Jeremy: “Maybe, see you tomorrow George.”
Katie: “Have a nice night.”
With that the two of them made their way up to the hotel rooms.
You decided to check out the hotel bar. Despite being 10 o’clock it was surprisingly empty. Some people where there, some having already had a few to many.
But what caught your eye was a stranger sitting at the end of the bar.
There sitting in a knee-length ocean blue dress was a woman, leaning over resting her elbows at the counter. She had a faraway look in her face as she absentmindedly stirred her drink. *♀*
There sitting a young man, nursing his drink. His blue vest and slacks combo suited him well with the crisp white shirt. His attention seeming being elsewhere. *♂*
You sit down by the bar and is about to call on the bartender when I noticed a man, clearly intoxicated made a move on the man/woman at the end of the bar.
Drunk Idiot: “Hello there, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
The person in question just rolled hehis eyes. Clearly not in the mood to be the object of drunk admiration.
Drunk Idiot: “How about you and me go up to my hotel room and get to know each other a bit more.”
Haven seen the man/woman in question do every none-verbal que but slapping the idiot you decide enough was enough. He had disturbed you and the rest of the bar enough.
With the smoothest and coolest tone of voice you could muster you cleared your throat to get the drunk man’s attention. It wasn’t appreciated to say the least.
Drunk idiot: “What the hell do you want prick.”
The smell of alcohol radiating off him, one would think he had bathed in vodka. It was surprising no one had tossed him out from being a nuisance earlier.
George: “I do believe that you are bothering him/her. Please stop.”
George: “Look we are old friends, its noneofya business so bug off.”
George: “Oh really, then what is your friends name?”
Drunk Idiot: ”What?”
George: “What. Is. your. friend’s. name? If you are old friends you should surely know it.”
Drunk Idiot: “It’s ummm… Terry.”
???: “That is not even close.”
With both of you staring straight into him, mentally cornering him.
Drunk idiot: ”Screw this.”
The man declared in frustration and with that the idiot stormed off leaving both of you alone.
After making sure the guy was out of sight you turned back to the stranger.
He/She gave you a grateful smile.
???: “Thanks’ I really appreciate that?”
George: “It was nothing.”
You said making yourself ready to go back to your seat.
???: “Wait!”
The stranger called after you, out of sheer politeness you turned back around.
He/she Seemed a bit nervous, what now?
???: “Can I at least buy you a drink?”
You thought for a moment. You were on your own, Jeremy was probably nursing the bruise with some painkillers and you did not want to risk running into Stephanie or any of the bridesmaids. It also felt wrong to not take the opportunity to experience Vegas however.
So you accepted.
???: “Well What’s your poison?”
He/she asked in a joyous tone.

1. Matrini
   
2. Old Fashioned
   
3. Red Wine
   

With a quick wave they called the bartender over.
???: “So what brings you to Vegas?”
George: “Bachelorette party.”
???: “Did it have anything to do with that brunette that slapped one of the dancers and had security physically lift her out?”
George: “Bingo.”
???: “No one got seriously hurt?”
George: “Thankfully no.”
With that the bartender served the drink and the stranger slipped a 50 dollar bill.
You lift the glass in a gesture for a thank you. And let the beverage slip down your throat. It was nice, it was a good year and the taste was strong but not overpowering.
You noticed that his/her eyes were on you, almost as if they were trying to decipher your character.
George: “What are you doing?”
???: “Trying to get a read on you, some say what you order is often an indication of who you are.”
George: “Really? Then what can you say about me?”
You asked, deciding to humour them.
???: “I can say that that you are a man that know what he wants and how you want them.” *Martini*
???: “You are an old soul, you probably know your liquor well. My guess you have a great library at home.” *Old fashioned*
???: “You are quite classy, and you can find a way to get drunk before noon.” *Red wine*
With that you give an amused chuckle.
George: “Well there is some truth to that statement.”
You take a look at the drink they self are nursing.
(Dark n Stormy)
(Humm...)
George: “If I were to do the same to you, I guess you have a sweet tooth and might have wanted to be a pirate at some point.”
At that comment the stranger began to laugh. It was the infectious kind of laugh that made someone warm form the bottom of their stomach.
???: “Alright you got me there.”
He/she then stuck out their hand.
(My name is..)
(Default name: Skyler)
George: “‘Skyler’ it is a pleasure to meet you.”
You said as you shook it.
You take in Skyler’s look. You had to admit that they were an attractive specimen of a man/woman.
George: “The name is George Bishop.”
Skyler: “George Bishop, how professional sounding.”
He/ she said as if they were tasting your name in their mouth.
George: “Well I do hope so, would be difficult to be an advisor if people believed I was a joker.”
Skyler: “Ah, so you are one of those people that look at you and stamp ‘rejected’ on every paper?”
George: “I believe that I am fair in my judgement.”
George: “How about yourself?”
At that their eyes fell.
Skyler: “Right now, I’m a 30 year old trying to figure out my next move.”
George: “How come?”
Skyler: “Lost my job due to relationship issues between my manager and her boyfriend. Apparently, me being friendly was mistaken for flirting.”
Skyler: “What, they want a grumpy Greeter at the door?”
George: “That is unprofessional.”
Skyler: “Yeah, well relationships are messy.”
George: “Agreed.”
Skyler: “I must say the way you handled that woman, it was surprising.”
Skyler said in a genuinely impressed voice.
George: “You were watching?”
Skyler: “Kind of hard not to, I’m surprised half the hotel didn’t hear her.”
George: “Someone had to show her she isn’t the Queen of Sheba.”
Skyler: “What are your thought on marriage?”
You shoot up a bit, a bit startled by the blunt question.
George: “My thoughts?”
Skyler: “You seem like a guy that know what he thinks. I want to pick that brain a bit.”
It had been a while since someone had so blatantly flirted with you. To be fair you were a bit surprised. Dating had often been a minefield for you.
George: “Marrige…”

1. It’s an institution
   
2. It’s a partnership
   
3. It’s indescribable
   

George: “Historically it was a way to ensure land, money and heirlooms where added into a new household.” *Choice 1*
George: “It was also a safety for children back in the day, since basterds often faced quite a few challenges from being born out of wedlock.” *Choice 1*
George: “It is a symbol of trust, that you do have someone that you can count on.” *Choice 2*
George: “But at the end of the day, if you are unfair to that partner hey might not stay.” *Choice 2*
George: “To describe marriage is like trying to describe oceans and water. Even with similarities we can see, gathering it all in an explanation would probably not give a fair judgement.” *Choice 3*
Skyler: “To me it’s a promise. ‘To have and to hold’ it is silly in this day and age were people divorce left and right for trivial things.”
Skylers eyes became dark, falling into deep thoughts. You had never been the poetic kind, but there was a sweet sentiment in Skyler’s view on things. Your parents where still married over 30 years now. Your sister was due some time in December, your brother was off celebrating a two year dating anniversary and your paternal grandmother still loved her deceased husband dearly.
To you it just never happened, perhaps it wasn’t for you.
George: “That we can agree on, people are so afraid they will settle. At the first sign of trouble they leave.”
Skyler: “So that woman form before… how long do you think her marriage will last?”
George: “If she acts like she did tonight, I wonder if her husband will even stay for the ceremony.”
You looked at your new companion and in an unusual turn of events you called the bartender over.
George: “Can I buy you a drink?”
​
​
With that Skyler smiled, deciding to keep you company.
Sometime later you awake to the sound of your alarm clock.
You feel a splitting headache, you drag you hand over your face as you do you feel a cold metal band around your finger. Pulling back as your eyes focus you see that it is a plain sliver coloured band.
(is that?)
· Oh no…
Feeling more sober than ever before you realised just what a mess you got yourself into.
George: ‘I just got married in Vegas.’
Well, you’re screwed.

Start|Previous Part| Next Part
Disembarking from their transport ship Artum strode forward with his arm wrapped around Asami’s waist and the other three humans following close behind them. Glancing down at the woman at his side Artum had to suppress a lustful growl. Instead of her usual casual attire Asami wore a dark red dress with a plunging neckline held up by thin straps which looped over her shoulders. The dress flowed down to her ankles and had a long slit on the right side almost up to her hip so that as she walked she would offer a glimpse of her pale, slender leg and the Draast leather boots she wore. When he asked where she had gotten the dress from she had simply smiled enigmatically at him and walked away leaving him wondering if all human women were as confounding as she was.
Noticing she was being watched Asami tilted her head up to look at him with a small smile. Her long black hair was pulled up and held in position by a long, metal hair stick giving him an unobstructed view of the nape of her neck and her pale back. Unable to resist any longer Artum leaned down and kissed her neck “You look ravishing my love.”
“You don’t look so bad yourself.” she grinned as she leaned against him and ran her hand over the hard leather of his duster. Feeling him squeeze her hip tightly Asami tutted “There’ll be time for that later.” she promised with a husky whisper prompting a soft growl to emanate from his throat.
As they reached the end of the hallway the doors parted and a group of armed aliens approached them with a single unarmed one at the centre wearing long flowing robes with sleeves long enough to cover it’s hands. Stepping away from the pack the alien wearing robes walked up to them and said “Pirate Lord Artum? It is my honour to welcome you to Epoch Station.” he said with a bow, his hands clasped together in front of him causing the long sleeves of his robe to droop down.
“Rather ceremonious for a bunch of pirates ain’t they?” Tucker mumbled from behind.
Either not hearing or choosing to ignore Tuckers remarks the alien said “I am Tradi, your attendant for the duration of the Summit. Should you require anything during your stay please to not hesitate to ask.” he said before looking passed Artum to the humans with him “Is this the entirety of your entourage?”
“That’s right.” Artum nodded.
“Very good. Now as I’m sure you’re aware Epoch Station is neutral territory and no weapons are allowed on board.”
“What do you call those?” Artum asked gesturing to the weapons brandished by Tradi’s escort.
“These men are under the employ of my Master; not one of your fellow Pirate Lords. They are here solely to ensure that civility reigns during the proceedings and as such we are required to search you men for weapons.”
“And if we don’t allow that?” Tucker asked as he folded his arms across his chest.
“Then you are free to leave.” Tradi replied smoothly. “You were invited here as a courtesy by my Master. If you do not wish to abide by his rules you may leave but do not expect to be included in discussions pertaining to the future of this system.”
“Get on with it.” Artum grunted with a dismissive wave of his hand. At a nod from Tradi several of his men walked forward and began to pat down Thatcher, Tucker and Vic confiscating several weapons from each of them.
“I’m gonna want a receipt for all of that.” Tucker said.
Seeing one of Tradi’s men approach Asami Artum moved to step between them and growled out “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I need to search her for weapons.” he replied.
“You will not lay a finger on my bride!” he snarled out in a low and dangerous voice as he stepped closer to loom over him “If anyone tries to touch her I’ll be adding a new coat to my wardrobe, understand?”
His bulbous eyes flicking down to Artums Draastrekian skin coat the alien swallowed hard and struggled to form words before Tradi cleared his throat. “I am sure we can make an exception for Lord Artum’s consort.” he said diplomatically. “Now, if you will follow me I will take you to the reception where the other Pirate Lords are awaiting your arrival.”
As Artum pulled Asami against him possessively and started to lead her passed the alien Asami to patted him on the shoulder “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure I’m going to endure a thorough pat down later on.” she smirked as they brushed passed him.
As the five of them trailed after Tradi Artum heard Thatcher say “I told you the coat sends a message.”
Letting out a grunt Artum replied “Any other words of advice you have for me?”
“Back on Earth we’ve got a saying.” Thatcher started.
“Of course you do.” Artum rolled his eyes “You Humans have a saying for every occasion.”
Ignoring the interruption Thatcher continued “It goes like this, ‘Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far’.”
“And what is that suppose to mean?” Artum asked.
“It means when your adversaries can see you’ve got a weapon that you’re willing to use you don’t need to raise your voice to be heard.” Thatcher replied.
“And what weapon do I have that is a threat to the other Pirate Lords?” Artum asked.
“You’ve got four of them with you right now.” Asami smirked up at him. Unable to resist her smile Artum pulled her closer to him and started to affectionately stroke her flank.
Finally reaching their destination Tradi pushed open a large est of doors and announced “May I present the final attendee, Pirate Lord Artum and his entourage.”
Entering the room Artum found himself subject to the oppressive stares of the five other Pirate Lords and their lieutenants. Arranged in a loose approximation of a circle each Lord was sat at a table positioned equal distanced apart allowing enough room for their followers to stand behind them without the groups intruding in one another’s space. In comparison to the four man crew Artum travelled with each of the Pirate Lords had at least a dozen men at their backs.
As Artum moved to sit at the unoccupied table Tradi had a second chair brought out for Asami to sit in while Thatcher, Vic and Tucker took up positions behind them.
“You’re late.” One of the Pirate Lords clicked it’s mandibles together as he glared over at Artum with his large compound eyes “And you brought a whore with you. This is not a social gathering, we are here to discuss business.”
His eyes flicking towards Asami to see how she reacted to the insult Artum was relieved to find that she was apparently choosing to ignore the slight. Turning his attention back to the Lord who had admonished him Artum smiled and said “And here I thought this was an inauguration party to welcome me to your ranks.”
“You aren’t one of us.” another snapped “And whatever tricks you used to ingratiate yourself with Zaldi before you usurped him won’t work on us nor are we intimidated by simple theatrics so you can remove that distasteful coat of yours this instant.”
“I don’t think I will.” Artum growled back before reaching out to rest his hand on Asami’s thigh “You see my lover rather likes the look of it on me and I care far more about her opinion than yours.”
“You will take it off right now or I shall tear it from your corpse!” one of the lieutenants who was a Draastrekian hissed as he stepped forward, his lips curled up into a snarl to reveal his sharp fangs as the muscles in his thick arms bulged and rippled as if he was preparing to leap across the room.
Waving a hand dismissively Artum said “Control your pet, Tellou or I’ll have to put him down.”
Letting out an enraged roar the Draastrekian stormed over the table and charged towards Artum. As soon as he came close to the table Asami brought her foot up and placed it against the edge of the table and shoved it hard causing it to slam into the charging lizardman’s stomach knocking the wind out of him and left him sprawled across the table. Leaping to her feet Asami pulled the metal hair stick from her hair and stabbed it downwards towards his snout with enough force that it pierced through the thick scales on top of his nose. As she drove the sharp point through the roof of his mouth the spike impaled his tongue and continued through his lower jaw to stab into the table beneath.
Pinned to the table the Draastrekian flailed wildly as his scream of pain was muffled by his forcibly closed mouth. Reaching beneath her dress Asami withdrew two knives that had been strapped to her upper thigh. Grabbing hold of the creatures hands Asami held them to the table allowing her to drive the blades through his palms skewering him to the table rendering him completely immobile. “Draastrekians,” she announced loudly to the stunned onlookers as she held out a hand behind her “Have about nighty-eight teeth on average.” accepting a pair of pliers from Vic Asami yanked up the Lizards upper lip to expose his teeth. Gripping the longest fang with the pilers Asami gave a sharp pull tearing the tooth from his mouth with a scream “That’s one.” she announced as she held up the bloody tooth before dropping it to the table.
As Asami started to pull another one out one of the Pirate Lords recovered from his shock long enough to say “Enough of this Artum, call off your whore!”
“And that’s three.” Asami smiled as she yanked out a third tooth before pointing the bloodied pliers at the Pirate Lord who spoke “Call me a whore one more time...” she growled, allowing the threat to dangle in the air.
With a smile on his face Artum reached out to slip his hand through the slit in her dress and affectionately caress her thigh “That’s enough my love.” Looking over her shoulder at him Asami let out a dissatisfied grunt before turning back to the whimpering Draastrekian. Pulling free one of the blades that were pinning his hands to the table Asami drew her hand back and stabbed the knife down right between his eyes, the blade piercing his skull and penetrating it’s brain causing the Draastrekian to convulse violently as it died. Grasping it’s snout for leverage Asami yanked her hair stick out from his mouth with a grunt. Flicking the blood from it Asami deftly pulled up her hair and slipped the needle through it to hold it in place before moving to drape herself across Artum’s lap. Wrapping her arm around his shoulders Asami forced her lips against his.
Stroking her thigh as they kissed Artum looked passed his lover to see the other attendees staring at them. Hiding a smug smile against Asami’s lips Artum thought ‘That’s right, this is a human you’ve all heard so much about. They are as efficient and as brutal as the stories say they are. And the only four in this entire system work for me.’
“My, my, it seems the festivities have started without me.” a voice called out.
Breaking the kiss Artum and Asami turned to see a cowled figure had appeared at the other end of the room. “Who are you?” Artum growled out.
“Ah, forgive my rudeness, I am your host.” he said in an amused tone of voice as he reached up and pulled his hood down to reveal his face “You may call me Dàoguān.” The man had dark red skin with intricate black markings though it was hard to tell if they were tattoos or part of his natural colouring. His sunken, sallow eyes had black irises making them look like two dark pits against his yellow tinged sclera. Turning to address the room as a whole “It is good to see you all, new friends and old. We should get together more often.”
“We aren’t here to socialise Dàoguān. We’re here to deal with the traitor in our midst.” one of them said as he stared balefully over at two of the Pirate Lords in particular.
“I don’t know why you’re looking over here.” one of them spat out “These raids didn’t start until he took over from Zaldi.” he said as he pointed at Artum. “And he’s hardly suffered any attacks.”
“That’s because I am able to defend what’s mine.” Artum retorted “If you all require assistance I’ll be happy to provide escorts for your traders for a nominal fee.” he smirked making the other Lords bristle with anger and glare at him.
“Peace my friends.” Dàoguān said with a wave of his hand. “We have plenty of time to air your grievances. For now please follow my stewards to the quarters we have arranged for you and enjoy my hospitality.” he dismissed them.
Following after Tradi who led them to their lavish chambers the group found their luggage had been brought to their rooms ahead of them. Settling down around a table Artum looked to Thatcher and said “Well?”
Shaking his head Thatcher replied “He’s not a species I’ve ever encountered before. Vic?”
“Nothing that I can recall.” Vic replied.
“I assume you don’t know it either?” he asked Artum who shook his head. “In that case we can probably assume he’s not from a Union species. That makes things difficult.”
“Why should it matter?” Artum asked.
“Because the more we know about who we’re up against the better prepared we can be. If he was from a Union species we could have guessed who’s backing him, what kind of connections he could have. As it is he could be anyone.”
“What makes you think he has someone backing him?” Artum asked.
“Because you don’t just walk up to a bunch of pirate gangs and have a nice little chat with them unless you’ve got some serious clout. Would you have given him the time of day let alone gone along with his plan to overthrow the government and take over the whole of the system if he just turned up on your doorstep asking to see you?”
As Artum shook his head Tucker said with a frown “I think I know him.” seeing everyone turn to look at him Tucker quickly backtracked and said “Not ‘know him’ know him. I mean his species. I’m sure I’ve seen it somewhere before I just can’t put my finger on it.”
Choosing to ignore Tucker’s input Thatcher said “I think the best course of action is to do a little reconnaissance before we decide on our next move. We need to know where the other Pirate Lords are laying their heads, see if we can find an armoury or at least some kind of weaponry and see if we can scrounge up some kind of information on this Dàoguān character.” he decided. “Vic you’ll stay here and guard Artum and the rest of us will go exploring.”
“Why can’t Asami stay?” Artum complained with a frown.
“Because if someone tries to kill you it’s easier to protect you if you’re not on top of your bodyguard.” Tucker smirked.
“Sorry baby, we’ll have to have fun later.” Asami smiled as she kissed his cheek before slipping passed him “I’m going to slip into something a little more practical.” she said as she picked up her bag and carried it towards the bedroom.
Finding himself in one of the numerous bars dotted throughout the station Thatcher sat at the counter and ordered a drink. Accepting the drink from the bartender Thatcher took a sip when he heard a voice growl out “You need to come with us Human.”
Looking over his shoulder Thatcher saw two pirates standing behind him, one he recognised from their initial meeting with the Pirate Lords. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?” he asked as he turned back around and took another gulp.
“Pirate Lord Yanko wants to see you.” the alien replied.
“So I’m just meant to follow the two of you to some secluded part of the station? I don’t think so. Tell this Yanko of yours that he wants to talk he can come here and see me.” Thatcher replied.
Roughly grabbing Thatcher’s shoulder the pirate glared and said “Firstly, you’ll show him the proper respect and refer to him by his title. Secondly, Lord Yanko is not at your beck and call. If he wants to see you, you’ll go to him.” he growled as he squeezed Thatcher’s shoulder.
Staring at the hand on his shoulder for a long moment before shrugging it off Thatcher looked to the other alien who was standing nervously to the side “You’re friend here wasn’t at the welcome party was he?” seeing him gulp and shake his head Thatcher turned away and picked up his glass again “You might want to tell him what he’s getting into.”
“Listen here-!” he started as he grabbed Thatcher by the wrist only to cry out when Thatcher’s free hand shot out to grab his wrist and twisted it painfully. With his now unrestrained hand Thatcher reached back to grab the alien by the back of his head and slammed his face against the bar. Getting to his feet Thatcher kicked him in the back of his knees forcing him to kneel making his face scrape down against the side of the bar leaving a streak of blood against it while keeping him restrained by pulling his arm back at an uncomfortable angle. “Now then, since you’re obviously ill-informed and you didn’t spill my drink I’m willing to let this end with just this much, what do you say?”
“I’ll kill you, you bastard!” the alien snarled as blood bubbled from it’s broken nose and it tried unsuccessfully to squirm out of Thatchers arm lock.
“I want you to remember that I gave you the opportunity to walk away.” Thatcher sighed as he grabbed hold of one of the aliens fingers and summarily broke it. As the alien let out a scream he thrashed around violently trying to free his arm from Thatchers grasp but his every movement felt like his was going to pull the arm from it’s socket. As Thatcher grasped a second finger and started to bend it backwards he said “Now I’m sure your friend here is going to tell you later just how lucky you are that you picked a fight with me and not my companion.” he said as he broke the second digit making him wail in pain. “But I want to impress upon you just how badly you fucked up.” he said as he grabbed hold of a third finger.
“N-No, Stop! Please I beg you!” the alien pleaded pitifully as Thatcher snapped another one.
“You see compared to some humans I could name, I’m a veritable font of forgiveness which I why I’m not going to kill you. I don’t particularly enjoy inflicting pain on another living thing but sometimes in life you have to do things you don’t like doing to ensure that a message is sent.” he punctuated this with another break leaving the pirate sobbing in pain. “So I want you to understand that you only get one warning and this is it.”
“I understand! I’m Sorry! Please Stop!” he begged.
“I’m glad we could come to an understanding.” Thatcher smiled pleasantly. “It’s a shame it took until your last finger for it to sink in. Oh well, might as well do this one for good measure.” he said as he grasped the final digit.
“Nooo!” the alien howled desperately “I’m Sorry! Please, I Understand, I Get the Message!”
“I’m afraid you don’t.” Thatcher said with a shake of his head “You see the pain I’m inflicting on you right now is the message for you. The sight of your twisted, deformed claw is going to be the message to anyone else who thinks it’s a good idea to lay a hand on a human. If in the future you hear someone has the bright idea to fuck with the human race I want you to shove your hand in their face and tell them how lucky you were to walk away with only one crippled hand after daring to touch a human. Which means I’m going to have to finish what I started, understand?”
“I...I understand...” he whimpered pitifully in defeat.
“I’m glad to hear that.” Thatcher smiled down at him. “And since you’re being so cooperative I’m going to give you the choice of what I do to this last finger. I can either break it like all the others or I can cut it off.” Seeing his eyes widen in terror Thatcher said “Personally I’d go with a break. If you get it set quickly enough who knows, maybe you’ll eventually regain some use. On the other hand, if you’ll pardon the pun, all I have is a pair of pliers to remove your finger so it’d be more tearing it off rather than cutting it but as I said the choice is up to you.”
Breathing heavily to the point of hyperventilating the alien weakly mumbled out “...Break it...”
“I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch that?” Thatcher replied.
“Break it!” he cried out.
“Ask nicely.” Thatcher insisted.
“Please Break My Fin-Ahhh!” he screamed as Thatcher broke the final digit.
“There we go, all done now.” Thatcher smiled as he patted his shoulder companionably “That wasn’t so bad was it? I think you should thank me don’t you?”
“T-Thank you...” he mumbled out.
“Thank you for what?” Thatcher prompted as he squeezed the broken fingers making him scream out.
“Thank You For Breaking My Fingers!” he blubbered out as Thatcher released his hold on his wrist making him collapse limply onto the floor clutching at the shattered appendage and weeping painfully.
“I’m glad we got that all worked out.” he smiled as he stood back up and turned to the other pirate who had been watching the scene play out in horror. Meeting Thatchers gaze the pirate unconsciously took a step back as his body trembled in fear “Take your friend back to Yanko and tell him that if he wants to talk he can come here and see me.”
“That won’t be necessary.” a voice called out. Turning Thatcher saw a familiar looking alien sitting at a table surrounded by his cronies. Pirate Lord Yanko was a hulking, beast of an alien; his large portly body had him standing a head taller than any of the other aliens in the room. He had four sets of eyes on his angular head which were bisected by a large triangular mouth lined with sharp fangs. The top of his head tapered on into two long hornlike appendages and his large, meaty hands only had three stubby fingers each.
Picking up his glass Thatcher stepped over the still weeping pirate and approached the Pirate Lord. “If you were sitting over here all along you could have just asked me over yourself.”
“Then what would I be paying them for?” he laughed causing his jowls to jiggled as he picked up a piece of meat still on the bone and brought to between his jaws where his sharp teeth stripped the flesh from it instantly. “Besides, if I had I wouldn’t have gotten to see another display of the famed Human brutality. I must say I was most impressed. I especially liked the way you had him beg you to break his finger and then to make him thank you for doing it!” he clapped his hands together with an evil grin. “I’ve never seen someone break someone in such an efficient manner.”
Sitting down opposite Yanko Thatcher said “I find it best to get any necessary unpleasantness over and done with as quickly as possible.”
“Ah, but the female you have with you enjoys her work though doesn’t she? I could tell by the way she toyed with Tellou’s pet Lizard.” he said with a leer “I can see why Artum keeps her around. I’d certainly be putting her talents to good use if she were my pet. Normally I’d prefer my females to have a bit more meat on them than she does, makes them more durable but I wouldn’t be unwilling to make an exception for her. Of course with a body that scrawny I doubt she’d be able to endure my affections!” he roared with laughter making his underlings laugh as well.
Waiting for the laughter to die out with an expressionless look on his face Thatcher said “So did you just call me over to say hello or did you want something?”
Shoving more food into his mouth Yanko said “Let me ask you something, how did a bunch of humans wind up working for an upstart Praxian like Artum?”
“We were looking for some work and his was the first crew we ran into.” Thatcher replied.
“Ah, so it’s a partnership of convenience?” Yanko grinned “I’m glad to hear that.”
“Why’s that?” Thatcher asked.
“Because it’s clear your talents are wasted with Artum. If you came to work for me I would put your skills to good use.”
“I don’t see why we should. We’ve got a pretty good arrangement going with Artum, I see no reason to rock the boat.”
“Because I can tell you humans are an ambitious sort. Since you arrived in this system Artum has gone from picking up asteroid scraps on the fringes of the system to ruling an entire planet, quite the coincidence no?” he said with a grin “And all of a sudden his rivals ships start getting attacked. Your doing I assume?”
“You’re right.” Thatcher replied with a sip of his drink “That is quite the coincidence.”
Letting out a laugh Yanko said “Let me ask, how much does Artum pay you and your friends?”
“You wouldn’t be able to afford us.” Thatcher replied.
“I’ve been doing this a lot longer than Artum has and I have very deep pockets.”
Folding his arms across his chest with a small smile Thatcher replied “A quarter.”
“A quarter?” Yanko frowned “A quarter of what?”
“A quarter of everything he earns from his planet.” he announced making one of Yanko’s goons spit out his drink in surprise. “I take it none of you boys are on that kind of pay grade? Thought not.” he smirked as he drained his drink “Well, if you have no other business with me I think I’ll be going.” he said as he got to feet and started to walk away.
“Sit back down!” Yanko snapped at him.
Pausing, Thatcher turned to meet Yanko’s glare and said “Ask nicely.”
Storming to his feet Yanko slammed his fists on the table and snarled out “You think you can get away with speaking to me like that?! You think I won’t gut you open and gorge myself on your entrails?!”
Stepping back towards the table Thatcher pressed his knuckles against the table and leaned forward to stare into Yanko’s multiple eyes. “That will certainly be an impressive feat without any teeth.” he said as he reached into his pocket to pull out a pair of pliers and slammed them down on the table making Yanko’s lieutenants eye them nervously. “I want to make something abundantly clear; the only reason I haven’t gouged out your eyes and yanked every single one of your teeth from your skull is that I am a paragon of fucking restraint. But it would be suicidally stupid of you to mistake that restraint for inability.” Thatcher replied levelly as he continued to stare up at Yakno.
Glowering at Thatcher the veins in Yanko’s thick muscular arms pulsed and throbbed furiously as he tensed the muscles in preparation to throttle the insolent human to death. Just as Thatcher braced himself for Yanko to throw himself at him the fury left Yanko’s eyes and was replaced with mirth as he let out a deep throated laugh “You humans really are every bit as insane as they say you are!” he bellowed with laughter “You’re like rabid animals snapping and snarling at any who come near you!”
“I’ve been called worse things.” Thatcher said with a small smile.
“As have I my friend.” Yanko grinned as he grabbed a bottle and refilled Thatchers glass “Come, drink with me!” he insisted as he brought the bottle to his mouth and threw back it’s contents causing the alcohol to splash down his chin and dribbled down his jowls. As Thatcher accepted the drink Yanko grinned and said “I’ve been looking to recruit a human ever since I heard about your brutality during the war. I feel a certain kinship towards a species as depraved and vicious as yours.”
“I’m honoured I’m sure.” Thatcher said dryly as he sat back down in the chair making Yanko guffaw loudly.
“I want creatures like you humans working for me. Look at these cowards I have to put up with.” he said gesturing disdainfully at his lieutenants “Not a single one of them have the balls to even look me in the eyes while you didn’t even blink knowing I could have had my men kill you any time I wanted.”
“They would have tried to kill me.” Thatcher replied making Yanko slam his fist against the table in amusement.
“You humans really never back down from a fight do you?”
“That’s because we’ve yet to get in a fight we can’t win.” Thatcher retorted causing Yanko to bellow with laughter.
“Alright, I’ve decided.” Yanko suddenly declared “I’ll match Artums offer.”
“You can’t be serious-” One of Yanko’s men started to object only for Yanko to grasp the back of his head and slam his face into the table.
“I didn’t ask for your opinion.” Yanko snarled menacingly as he put his weight behind his arm and started to grind his flunky’s head into the table. Looking back to Thatcher and seeing him unperturbed by this casual act of violence Yanko said “A quarter of the profits from my planet and in return the four of your will come work for me.”
Tapping his finger against the table for a thoughtful moment Thatcher replied “I’ll have to talk it over with my companions.”
His mood darkening Yanko said “Talk as much as you want so long as you give me the answer I want to hear. I am not accustomed to being disappointed and I never make an offer twice.”
Not flinching away from Yanko’s gaze Thatcher replied “There’s something you should know about us humans if you really intend to hire us.”
“Oh, what’s that?” Yanko growled out dangerously.
“You really want to be careful how you talk to us. We tend to respond to threats in the most disproportional of ways.”
“And what does that mean?” Yanko asked.
“It means if you ever so much as give me or any of my crew a dirty look, we’ll let you live just long enough for you to see everything you’ve worked for turn to ash before we slit your throat.” Thatcher replied.
Falling silent Yanko’s men watched tensely as the pair of them stared at one another for a long moment before Yanko blinked first and reluctantly growled out “I’ll take that under advisement.”
“So long as we have an understanding.” Thatcher replied as he drained his glass before getting to his feet. “I think we’ve taken up enough of one another’s time. I’ll get back to you once I’ve had a talk with the others.”
Returning to their quarters Thatcher found Artum and Vic sitting at a table playing cards together. Artum was staring at his hand with a frown on his face while Vic idly stacked his large pile of chips into small towers. “How’s it going?” Thatcher asked as he grabbed a bottle and took a seat at the table.
“Poorly.” Artum grumbled as he glared at Vic “He’s teaching me poker but I don’t see how he keeps winning. I don’t even let him shuffle or touch the cards and yet he always seems to know when to fold.”
“Oh well that’s easy. He cheats.” Thatcher said as he took a sip of his drink.
“What?!” Artum growled making Vic let out a sigh.
“I’m not cheating. It’s simple maths.” he argued.
Letting out a small laugh Thatcher explained “You see, if you know how many of each card is in a deck you can figure out how likely the next card in the deck will be something that will improve your hand. Say there’s forty cards left in the deck and fifteen of them of them will give you a strong final hand. Not terrible odds that you could come out ahead. But if only two of them will get you there it’s probably not worth the risk. Beyond that it all comes down to how good you are at bluffing. Come on, deal me in.”
Still glaring at Vic, Artum shuffled the deck and dealt out the cards “So how did your reconnaissance go?”
“Not bad. Got an offer to go work with one of the other Pirate Lords.” Thatch replied.
“Oh?” Artum narrowed his eyes at Thatcher.
“Apparently Asami made quite the impression with her little altercation with the Draastrkian. Seems like having a Human on your crew is becoming all the rage.” Thatcher replied.
“And what was your response?” Artum asked.
“Told him I’d think about it.” he said as he watched Vic’s facial expression closely before tossing down his cards.
“And why would you do that?” Artum growled.
“Because it gives us an in with him. If we need to kill him this will allow us to get close without having to kill his entire crew to get to him.”
“We’ll just have to kill them all on the way out.” Vic added as he threw a few chips to the pot. Frowning down at his cards Artum stared at Vic before glancing at Thatchers discarded cards and threw his own away causing Vic to let out a sigh as he collected his small pot of winnings. “This is why I don’t play poker with you any more Thatch.” he complained making him smirk.
As the next hand was dealt the door to their room opened and in walked a dishevelled looking Tucker with a drunken grin on his face and a half empty bottle in his hand “There you guys are! I’ve been… I’ve been looking all over for you!” he said as he swayed unsteadily on his feet.
“How many times do I have to remind you that getting drunk isn’t a necessary part of reconnaissance?” Thatcher sighed.
“Ah, that’s were you’re wrong see. We’re in hostile territory filled with a whole menagerie of aliens with a whole host of different cultures. I could inadvertently offend someone by turning down a drink.” he sniffed. “You can’t get information out of people who you’ve just offended.”
“If that was true you’d never learn anything.” Thatcher retorted “So I’m guessing you didn’t get anywhere?”
“I’ll have you know I had a very productive afternoon. I had a meeting with Pirate Lord...um… Well I don’t exactly remember his name but I’ll know him when I see him.”
“Confidence inspiring as always Tuck.” Thatcher shook his head. “So what happened during this meeting?”
“He made me a very generous offer to join his crew; one which I am inclined to take but I mag… magnani… but out the kindness of my heart I’m gonna give Artum the chance to make me a better offer.” he stumbled over his words and finished with a loud belch. “He even said I’d get a head hunters fee if I bring you guys along with me but if this is the respect I get I don’t think I’ll be inclined to share my good fortune.”
“What was he offering you?” Artum wondered, amused by Tuckers antics.
“Girls for one thing.” he slurred “He has soooo many girls working for him. You guys wouldn’t believe how gorgeous they are; they come in all shapes and sizes and colours, there was even this one girl with feathers! And these girls were really friendly if you know what I mean.” he grinned before frowning at Artum. “Unlike your girls Ar-Artum.” he pointed an accusing finger at him “None of them even give me the time of day.”
“That’s because Asami pays them to ignore you.” Vic revealed making Thatcher snort in amusement and Artum smirk.
“That’s because she’s a spoilsport. She doesn’t like to see other people having a good time. Remember that Korsican I could have hooked up with if she hadn’t gotten in my way?”
Looking towards the other two humans Artum said “Is he aware Korsicans-”
“He knows.” Thatcher and Vic replied simultaneously.
Letting out a laugh Artum pushed out a chair and said “Here, have a seat before you fall over.”
“Don’t mind if I do.” Tucker agreed as he slipped into the seat. “Let me play too.” he demanded.
“In the next round.” Thatcher replied.
“So what’s our next move?” Artum asked.
“Well, we’ve got propositions from two of the five Pirate Lords we have to deal with. We could always defect and do what we did with Zaldi, ingratiate ourselves before killing them and taking over their crews.”
“That’s risky though.” Vic interjected “We keep pulling the same stunt they’re going to get wise to us and all we’ll end up doing is start a war. The last thing we want is to get into a fight and diminish our forces if we’ve still got another three Lords to deal with.”
Letting out a grunt Thatcher nodded his head and said “True, but that’ll probably be the best way for us to get more info on our mysterious host. I don’t like having such a wildcard in play like this.”
“Does anyone care what I think?” Tucker asked and received a simultaneously ‘No’ from the other three at the table leaving him pouting.
“Regardless it’s too early to start making any concrete plans until Asami gets back and we here what she’s found out. Speak of the devil...” he said as they heard the door to their room open.
Turning towards the doorway they saw a battered and bruised Asami limp into the room dragging a duffel bag along the floor while her other hand held a long machete like knife dripping with blood. Her clothes were torn and bloodied and her arm bleeding from a deep gash near her shoulder. Her neck was bruised and her lip was split and swollen and half her face was stained with dried blood from a cut above her right eye.
Storming to his feet at the sight of her Artum cried out “What happened to you?!” knocking over his chair in his haste to get to her. “Who did this to you?!” he demanded to know as he grabbed hold of her forearms. “I’ll kill them! I’ll skin them alive! I’ll tear out their throats with my own claws! I’ll-”
“I’m fine.” Asami interrupted his tirade and shrugged off his hands and continued towards the table. “I come bearing good news.” she announced as she lifted up her bag and slammed it on the table.
“Oh?” Thatcher wondered from his seat as he eyed the bag. None of the humans seemed overly concerned about the condition she returned in.
Unzipping the bag Asami pulled it apart to reveal a severed head. “We’ve only got four Pirate Lords to deal with now.”
Prologue|Chapter 1|Chapter 2|Chapter 3|Chapter 4|Chapter 5|Chapter 6|Epilogue

"Be excellent to each other... and party on dudes!"

He is Bill S. Preston, Esq.! And he is Ted "Theodore" Logan! And together, they are Wyld Stallyns!
To everyone else in late-80s/early-90s San Dimas, California, Wyld Stallyns may look like the impossible dream of two slackers with no skill in anything else. But in truth, the music of Wyld Stallyns is so bodacious, so non-heinous, so excellent that it brings about an era of prosperity, both across the earth and to the stars beyond, and technological advancement so advanced that even time can be accessed as freely as a 10-digit phone number from the nearest payphone. Because of this, agents from the future utopia have sent back a time-travelling phone booth as well as information about the future to make sure that Bill and Ted are able to continue having most excellent adventures and fulfill the destiny of Wyld Stallyns.

Key

Movies:
^EA = Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
^BJ = Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
^FtM - Bill & Ted Face the Music
Shows:
^CSxEy = Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures (DiC Animated Series) Canon; Season X Episode Y
^LAEx = Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures (Fox Live Action Series) Canon; Episode X
Comics:
^M#X = Bill & Ted's Excellent Comic Book (Marvel Comics Canon) Issue #X
^BVx#y = Boom! Studios Comics Canon; Volume X, Issue #Y

Vol. 1 = Bill & Ted's Triumphant Return
Vol. 2 = Bill & Ted Go To Hell
Vol. 3 = Bill & Ted Save the Universe
BV1#xS = Boom! Studios Comics Canon; Side Story

^DH#X = Dark Horse Comics Canon (Face the Music Compliant) Issue #X
Games:
^AL = Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (Atari Lynx Canon)
^NES = Bill & Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure (NES Canon)
^WS = Wyld Stallyns (Mobile Game Canon)
Live Show:
^EHAyy = Bill & Ted's Excellent Halloween Adventure Canon; 19YY/20YY

Bill and Ted

Strength

• Twist around several amps while running as a blur. ^CS1E7
  
• Run straight through several tentpoles. ^CS1E7
  
• Hold themselves against the winds created by a giant monster that toss around buses and tanks. ^CS2E5
  
• Push around large stone slabs. ^AL
  
• A version of Bill and Ted from a bad future become super jacked and help curbstomp a robot. ^FtM
  
• [Limitation] Struggle to do push-ups. ^BJ
  

Speed/Agility

• Dodge a stone discus launched hard enough to embed into a marble pillar, and a falling chandelier. ^CS1E2
  
• Dodge around weapons swung by Roman gladiators. ^CS1E3
  
• Dodge a speeding horse and a flying coffin. ^CS1E9
  
• Able to dodge a frog mid-jump. ^CS1E11
  
• Run off fast enough to kick up a trail of dust. ^CS2E1
  
• Intercept a cannon shot. ^CS2E1
  
• Dodge a cannon shot just before it hits. ^CS2E3
  
• As babies, able to run off hidden behind a cloud of baby powder. ^CS2E7
  
• Duck underneath a swinging pendulum. ^AL
  
• Very good at jumping really high. ^NES
  
• Dodge a booth as it falls from time jump. ^LAE2
  
• Disguise themselves as a doctor and a cadaver in the time it takes for a woman to leave a room. ^LAE3
  
• Scale up the snout of a large, metal dragon. ^BJ
  
• Attempt and almost succeed at intercepting a bullet, moving a good distance in the time it takes to go from a gun to a person feet away. ^EHA08
  
• Outrun several species of dinosaur. ^M#2
  
  • Outrun a T-Rex running fast enough to kick up large rocks in its wake. ^BV1#3S
• Dodge a superhero sent flying hard enough to leave a comet trail behind him. ^M#10
  
• Dodge around machine gun fire. ^M#11
  
  • Again. ^BV1#5
• Able to see the two drivers in a high speed chase. ^BV1#2S
  
• Hit a button that causes the spaceship they're in to lurch forward fast enough to send everyone inside tumbling, then run off before anyone else can catch their bearings. ^BV3#1
  

Durability

• Get tossed across a bar, their heads smashing through a thin wood wall. ^EA
  
• Fall from a second floor balcony into some bushes and walk it off. ^FtM
  
• Has Death thrown at them bodily and get back up. ^DH#3
  
• Crushed under a mountain of falling china. ^CS1E1
  
• Are sent flying back by their amplifier's exploding to little ill effect. ^CS1E1
  
• Have a stove dropped on their heads. ^CS1E2
  
• Launched through a window and fall a story down into a stone fountain. ^CS1E2
  
• Fall from the top of a three-story building into some bushes. ^CS1E4
  
• Get slammed into a brick wall hard enough to indent. ^CS1E7
  
• Get launched into the air by their inflatable shoes and then fall back down. ^CS1E9
  
• Get kicked out of a stadium hard enough to send them flying, toppling a food cart. ^CS1E9
  
• Get blasted high into the air by a jet of water strong enough to blow away a stone statue, then land in a river. ^AL
  
• Get blasted back by the explosion from this huge gun. ^M#8
  
• Punch themselves. ^M#11
  
• Get zapped in a clash between Darth Vader and Gandalf and walk it off. ^EHA02
  
• Fall down a trap door a dozen feet and get up fine. ^BV3#1
  
• Hit a button that causes the spaceship they're in to lurch forward fast enough to send everyone inside tumbling, then run off before anyone else can catch their bearings. ^BV3#1
  
• Take hits from the Death Quills of Koloko IV, the Lightning Web, the Fire Bones of Kykartian Dragodon, the Cyberwasps of the Robot Zoo Planet, and the Lavaspin of Sector 487. ^BV3#2
  
• Roll into a snowball then crash into a building hard enough to demolish it. ^DH#3
  
• [Limitation] A long fall from the top of this cliff is enough to instantly kill them. ^BJ
  

Skill

• Easily bat in a baseball game one-handed while focusing on other things. Ted even throws the bat so that it spins hard enough to hit the ball without him holding it. ^CS2E3
  
• Jump from an upper banister and swing down on ropes, knocking out two guys and stealing their weapons in the process. ^LAE6
  
• Briefly hold their own in a duel, despite neither having any dueling experience. ^M#1
  

Intelligence
Yes, really.

• Can comprehend and utilize stable time loops. ^EA
  
  • Leave a recording device hidden in the corner of a room with a timer to use as a distraction. ^EA
  • Leave a typed message for themselves at a printer with instructions to duck at just the perfect time. ^EA
  • Sets up a trash can to fall at the right time to trap Ted's father. ^EA
  • Outwit De Nomolos, setting up not only a sandbag and cage to fall at just the right time and place to disarm and trap him, but also set up a key for the cage and fake gun to trick him into believing that he would win the encounter. ^BJ
  • When they don't have access to a booth, they go back in time to ask Station to build one so that he's done in time for them to go back and ask. ^BV1#1
  • Loosen a chandelier just so that it falls on Vlad the Impaler's head while he's cornered them. ^BV3#1
• When they're being pursued by versions of them from a bad future, who remember everything they're about to do, they do something they can't possibly remember doing to escape. ^FtM
  
• Able to somewhat fix the booth's broken antennae with some fudge cans and a large wad of chewed gum. ^EA
  
  • Able to somewhat fix the booth's broken antennae with a magazine and a shoelace. ^LAE1
  • Able to more or less fix the booth's broken numpad by copying what they remember Station doing to fix it. ^BV1#3S
• Survive a long fall from within the booth by jumping at the last second. ^CS1E8
  
• Rig up a lever to launch Dracula out of the booth and onto a bed. ^CS1E9
  
• Make functional guitars out of laundry and string. ^CS1E12
  
• Make a castle display out of water sealant cans and boxes. ^LAE2
  
• Rewire a jukebox to play music from a walkman. ^LAE5
  
• Their advice helps their music teacher move on from heartbreak and live peacefully where before she was bitter and angry at everyone. ^LAE7
  
• Outwit Einstein, tricking him into delivering his speech about the Theory of Relativity instead of his bad stand up routine. ^LAE8
  
• Able to escape from Death with a Melvin. ^BJ
  
• Trick Evil Robot Bill and Ted into thinking they're the real good Bill and Ted. ^M#7
  
• Escape from a future prison by starting a fire to set off the fire alarm. ^M#8
  
• Impress Socrates with their philosophizing. ^EA
  
• Are able to convince Hyper-World, a planet who's entire society is predicated on comic book violence, to stop fighting... for a few seconds. ^M#10
  

Rockitude
Skill

• Wyld Stallyns' music eventually becomes good enough that it ushers in interplanetary peace. ^EA
  
  • Their music apparently brings about post-scarcity, or at least post-the need for money. ^CS1E12 ...NOT! ^M#8
  • Post-training and with full band backing, a televized broadcast of their performance is able to cause people of multiple different cultures around the world to jam. The newspapers of the following years also state that their touring schedule causes crops to grow in the American midwest and peace to come to the Middle East, that rumors of their split cause the stock market to plummet and when those rumors are disproven the stock market surges. ^BJ
• Seduce a pair of medieval babes with some off the cuff lyrics. ^EA
  
• Jam with Little Richard and a young Mozart. ^CS1E2
  
• Rock with Angus Young. ^EHA01
  
• Shred with James Hetfield. ^EHA06
  
• Tear it up with Fall Out Boy. ^EHA13
  
• Demolish with Axl Rose and Slash. ^EHA14
  
• Fuck it up with Kurt Kobain. ^EHA15
  
• Play the guitar very well with Freddy Mercury. ^EHA17
  
• Play a pocket organ well enough that the surrounding Roman guards are too busy dancing to notice them. ^AL
  
• Can play basically any instrument placed in front of them. ^FtM
  
• Calm an agitated baby dinosaur. ^BV1#3S
  
• Able to build guitars out of random debris in a gladiatorial death pit in a matter of seconds, then play well enough to pacify a rampaging alien monster who is also the most esteemed music critic in the galaxy. ^BV3#3
  
• Able to rouse a crowd of people from a society so downtrodden that the ability to smile has atrophied out of the gene pool. ^BV1#5
  
  • Writing one song is enough to uproot the entirety of said society and motivate Death to bring them back after dying even though he had lost the ability to do so. ^BV1#6
• Even God and Satan are fans. ^BV2#4
  
• Alien cultures that don't even speak English and who's entire cultures are predicated around war are brought to peace by hearing their music. ^BV3#1
  

Power

• Consistently blow out their amps while playing. ^EA
  
  • Blow out an amp and cause it to catch fire. ^LAE1
• Defeather a bird. ^CS1E1
  
• Shatter a porcelain cup. ^CS1E1
  
• Knock dozens of objects off of a nearby shelf and shatter windows. ^CS1E7
  
• A single resonant note is enough to knock out the Black Knight. ^CS1E7
  
• Even when hooked up to a boombox, are able to blow away people and tables. ^CS2E5
  
• After Bill rewires the amp, it causes Ted's guitar to melt through the floor. ^CS2E7
  
• After Station alters the amps a little, cause any avalanche. ^DH#4
  
• Destroy robots with their riffs alone. ^WS
  

Ghost Bill and Ted

• People can pass right through them, though it causes some unnerving (though not totally unpleasant) sensations. ^BJ
  
• Can possess the bodies of the living. ^BJ
  

Other

• Build the Great Wall of China in a couple days. Although not particularly well. ^CS1E1
  
  • They arrive in China on Saturday and have finished and leave before Monday. ^CS1E1
• Summon rain with an Incan rain dance. ^CS1E3
  
• Play a single player game co-op and one-handed. ^CS2E7
  
• Are able to beat Death at Battleship, Clue, Electronic Football, and Twister. ^BJ
  
  • And Monopoly. ^M#5
  • And Rock, Paper, Scissors. ^EHA17
• Can fly after being zapped by the F-Ray, which only convinces the brain that it is capable of flying, thus allowing it to fly. ^M#10
  
• Spend a week without sleeping and only eating snack foods trying to devise a plan to save Abraham Lincoln. ^M#11
  
• Are temporarily given God's divine enlightenment, able to see everything past and future, and on a micro and macro scale. ^BV2#4
  
• Surf on a black hole. ^BV3#3 They're obviously going through some form of spaghettification, but also given the size of the black hole, the audience, and the official helping them do it, it's likely that this black hole has been altered to be safe to surf.
  
• Have sex. ^BV1#1
  
• Do drugs. ^EHA00
  

Bill

Strength

• Knocks over the Liberty Bell with an elbow. ^CS1E5 The Liberty Bell weighs over 2000 lbs.
  
• Easily pitches and bats cannon balls that Ted had difficulty handling. ^CS1E9
  
• Knocks Ted into the air with an accidental headbutt. ^CS1E9
  
• Floors Monomonop with a yo-yo. ^M#8
  

Speed/Agility

• Pulls Ted out of the way of a flail. ^CS1E3
  
• Snatches a flying chip bag out of the air. ^CS2E2
  
• Bats a baseball pitched hard enough to leave a trail of flames. ^CS2E3
  
• Escapes from being grappled by swinging on a noose while the floor is dropped from under him. ^EHA92
  
• Ducks a bullet at close range. ^EHA08
  

Durability

• Takes a punch from Evil Robot Bill. ^M#7
  
• Takes a punch from Ronda Rousey. ^EHA16
  

Skill

• Spars with Joan of Arc. ^EA

Other

• Strong poker face. ^EA
  
• Folds a paper hat into a to-go box. ^CS1E1
  
• Rewires an amp which causes it to melt Ted's guitar through the floor. ^CS2E7
  
• Beats up the Invisible Woman using dark force powers gained as Darth Bogus. ^EHA05
  
  • Force chokes a man to the ground in an instant. ^EHA05
• Save nearly 70 people from being used as a virgin sacrifice. ^EHA13
  

Ted

Strength

• Knocks out a man in a leather helm with one strike. ^EA
  
• Accidentally sends Marco Polo flying with the swing of a broom. ^CS1E1
  
• Flicks a paper football hard enough to knock an apple into the air. ^CS1E2
  
• Breaks a wooden plank off on the T-800 Terminator, then knocks him into a well using a skateboard. ^EHA92
  

Speed/Agility

• Takes a tumble down the stairs hard enough to knock him out of his metalplate suit and somehow hides before anyone notices. ^EA
  
• Flip jumps to the top of the booth. ^CS1E5
  
• Dodges a swipe from behind from Vlad the Impaler. ^BV3#1
  

Durability

• Takes a tumble down the stairs hard enough to knock him out of his metalplate suit. ^EA
  
• Takes a headbutt to the chin that knocks him off of his feet and into the air. ^CS1E9
  
• Takes a full punch to the gut from Officer T. J. Hooker and brushes it off. ^EHA98
  
• Gets tackled to the ground and waled on by General Thade. ^EHA01
  
• Doesn't seem bothered touching a lightsaber with his bare skin. ^EHA05
  
• Gets smashed over the head with a guitar hard enough to crack it in half. ^BV1#4
  
• Thrown across the room onto the coffee table and is back on his feet shortly. ^BV2#1
  

Skill

• Flicks a paper football in such a way so that it flies around and knocks an apple off of Bill's head from the side. ^CS1E2
  
• Lassos the Black Knight while he's riding a horse full speed. But then forgets to keep a hold on the other end of the rope. ^CS1E7
  
• Briefly holds his own against an Italian fencer. ^LAE6
  

Other

• Reads the time and place text. ^CS1E1
  
• Starts a fire by rubbing George Washington's wooden teeth. ^M#8
  
• In a bad future where Ted was sent to military academy, he was able to double bust a corrupt cop by posing as a drug dealer. ^LAE4
  
• Kicks the Sith out of Darth Bogus. ^EHA05
  
• Gets with Taylor Swift. ^EHA13
  

Good Robot Bill and Ted

Robots created by the most brilliant mind in the universe, Station, to combat the powerful Evil Robot Bill and Ted. ^BJ

• The can be controlled via remote control but also seem to be capable of autonomous movement. ^BJ

Strength

• Punch through a brick wall. ^BJ
  
• Decapitate Evil Robot Bill and Ted with a punch, then cause their bodies to explode with a second punch. ^BJ
  
  • Evil Robot Bill and Ted no sell a punch to the chin from Bill and walk off crashing through a window and into a brick chimney. ^BJ
• Chew up a phone reciever. ^M#3
  
• Punch out the demonic Colonel Oats when the princesses couldn't faze him with their strikes. ^BV2#1
  
  • The princesses were smashing up musical equipment and sending other women flying with their strikes. ^BV1#6S
• High five each other hard enough to destroy each others' hands. Keep the Evil Robot Bill and Ted scaling in mind. ^DH#1
  
• Walk through a wall. ^DH#4
  

Durability

• Still functioning while demolished down to just their heads. ^M#7
  
  • Or arms. ^BV2#3
• Robot Ted gets blasted through several brick walls. ^BV3#4
  

They Run On Car Batteries

• They do. ^BV1#1S
  
• Electrocute two men to death when they try to stab them with rapiers. ^M#1
  
• Cause the booth to randomly jump when they electrocute it after touching some slushie material. ^M#12
  

Other

• Have tape recorders built in. ^M#3
  
• Can receive temporal emails, and promptly get a virus from this. ^BV1#1S
  
• Their code is written in a form of binary compose of "Bill"s and "Ted"s. With a source code constructed entirely of Van Halen references. ^BV1#1S
  
• Become presidents of the United States. ^BV1#2
  

Mecha Bill & Ted

• Rocket away from San Dimas to Scandinavia. ^DH#4
  
• Transforms from houses into humanoids form, piloted by Good Robot Bill & Ted. ^DH#4
  
• Beat up and send flying giant mountain trolls. ^DH#4
  

Mobile Suit Bill & Giganto-Ted

• Burst out of the sewers and through the streets, creating a massive tremor that could be felt from blocks away. ^BV1#6
  
• Disarm an entire crowd of guards with powerful magnets. ^BV1#6
  

The Time Booth

Time Travel

• A time machine that can travel to any place and time on earth after dialing a specific number. The number for each time and place is listed in an attached directory which catalogues most important points in history. ^EA
  
  • If Bill and Ted don't know what time or place they're looking for, they can ask the operator for help identifying a landmark. ^CS2E1
  • Can travel all the way back to the big bang. ^M#2
  • Is able to travel to and from "the center of time" which seems to exist outside of the regular timeline. ^M#6/7
• It is stressed multiple times throughout the series that even while time travelling, the clock in San Dimas is running, so Bill and Ted still have a limited amount of time to accomplish their goals while time travelling. ^EA This isn't well supported by other events and usages of the booth in the series, but it is a consistent concern regardless.
  
• Bill and Ted can use the Phone Booth to interact with themselves in the past, giving themselves needed equipment or advice. ^EA
  
  • Find a note of advice from themselves and then go back and leave the same note without having to even write it. ^AL
  • Get called to go forward from a few minutes beforehand to help out their future selves. ^EHA06
• Allow Bill and Ted to leave and then return to the exact same point in time, with 16 months of training in between. ^BJ
  
  • Further emphasizing that they can return to any point they want and San Dimas time doesn't matter. ^CS2E1
• A trip through spacetime can be cut short and will cause the booth to reappear at a median point. ^CS1E2
  
• A trip can also be reversed, allowing the booth to return to from where it just came. ^CS1E9
  
• A trip can be rerouted mid-stream without too much issue. ^CS1E10
  
• While this is not usually the case, as most time travel trips result in loops, drastically changing past events can lead to alternate present timelines. ^CS2E5
  
  • Bill and Ted use the booth to go back 15 minutes and redo a botched conversation resulting in a different outcome. ^LAE1
  • A closer to canon example. ^M#11
• Time travel 2 seconds into the future to catch an evil robot off guard. ^BV1#3
  
• Falling into the wormhole behind the phone booth can let someone travel through the circuits of time with it. ^EA
  
  • Rufus is able to follow a different phone booth using a grapple electric guitar, despite not being anywhere close to it when it time travels. ^BJ
  • The black knight and his horse are able to follow the booth. ^CS1E7
• Able to travel and be gone in the time it takes for a killer robot to aim and fire a vaporization beam. ^FtM
  
• Can travel to a point in time and space selected by an actual phone number in use at the time. ^CS1E8
  
• Can travel to a different point in space without changing time. ^CS2E8
  
• Elizabeth and Joanna apparently use the booth to travel to alternate timelines, though this mostly happens off screen. ^FtM
  
• Can travel to alternate dimensions entirely. ^M#10
  
• Travels to heaven. ^M#11
  
  • And hell. ^BV2#1
• Teleports from heaven to the earthly timeline, all the way to the Boomerang Nebula, and back in a matter of seconds. ^BV2#4
  
• Using the infinity button, allows the occupants to be multiplied infinitely to interact with all points in space and time simultaneously. ^FtM
  
• The booth can't travel if all of the circuits of time are currently occupied. ^CS2E5
  
• Travelers through the circuits of time can see other travelers in the same area. ^M#2
  
• The booth can seemingly track individuals in a specific time frame as shown by the fact that the future Bill and Ted were able to trick Bill and Ted into thinking they were rich and successful by being in the right place at the right time. ^FtM
  
• Rufus gives Bill and Ted a new booth that can trace the calls of other booths, though it tends to show up a little late. Also it's a rotary phone. ^M#2
  
• Rufus gives Bill a mobile phone which can call back the booth with the correct number. The first time its used however, it calls Doc Brown's Delorean instead. ^EHA92
  
  • Shown here actually working. ^EHA96
• When Ted uses a magazine to try and fix the antennae Bill and Ted end up going inside of the world of the magazine by accident. ^LAE1
  
  • By connecting the booth to a cable box, they're able to enter the worlds of television broadcasts, though it's entirely dependent on what the tv is currently turned to. ^LAE3

The Squint System
An upgraded directory that allows the booth to travel to fictional settings, including books, CDs, movies, and games. ^CS2E2

• Use the booth to enter an episode of Leave It to Badger. ^CS2E4
  
  • Can also use the booth to skip around within the episode. ^CS2E4
  • Once the episode ends, every person in it, including Bill and Ted, disappear. It looks like this. ^CS2E4
  • Foreign objects can persist between episodes, if they're plot relevant. ^CS2E4
• Can bring characters from the fictional world to the real world. ^CS2E4
  
• Characters in the fictional world are fully aware that they're fictional. ^CS2E4
  
• Altering the interior of the fiction does change how the fiction appears in the real world. Also might cause that fiction to become unavoidable? ^CS2E4
  
• Showing places that aren't supposed to be there reveals static. ^CS2E4
  
• Shrinks Bill and Ted down to smaller than a bottlecap when they forget to put the 1 in front. To reverse this effect, they simply dial 9. ^CS2E2
  

Durability

• [Limitation] When the booth's antennae get smashed by a knight's flail it can still travel fine but where and when it lands becomes uncontrollable. ^EA
  
  • [Limitation] A thrown frisbee knocks out the antennae, preventing the booth from time travelling. Ted is able to partially fix this with a magazine and a shoelace, though it causes the jumps to become uncontrollable again. ^LAE1
• Crash lands upside down and works perfectly fine. ^CS1E2
  
  • Tears through the roof of a tent, crash lands upside-down, and then falls onto its side. ^CS1E5
• Slides along the ground, crashing into a horse hard enough to launch it into the air, taking no damage. ^CS1E2
  
• Gets knocked off a crow's nest with a cannonball and tumbles to the deck of the ship without damage. ^CS1E4
  
• Gets run over by a train. ^CS1E8
  
• Tanks a fall from the top of Big Ben's clock face. ^CS1E8
  
• In a cabin as its demolished by a cannon, and protects the people within. ^CS1E9
  
• Smashes up the wooden walls of a log flume. ^CS1E11
  
• Takes several blasts of energy weapon fire and isn't damaged until one hits the antennae. ^LAE4
  
• Gets shot up by Billted 1.0's machine gun arm and has enough in it to make a trip before collapsing. ^BV1#4
  
• Vlad the Impaler has trouble breaking the glass with the hilt of his sword. ^BV3#1
  
• [Limitation] The floor breaks falling onto a bear's head. ^CS1E13
  
• [Limitation] Destroyed by a large boulder falling on it. ^BV2#3
  

Landing Strength

• [Limitation] While operating normally, it doesn't land hard enough to seriously harm an old man. ^CS1E5
  
  • But it did harm this guy. ^LAE1
• While malfunctioning however, digs a hole into the earth in a second. ^CS1E5
  
• Still while malfunctioning, crashes up through some wooden floorboards, knocking aside a dresser. ^CS1E5
  
• Demolishes a small kennel. ^CS1E6
  
• Smashes through a thick wooden roof. ^CS1E10
  
• Smashes through the deck of a ship. ^CS2E3
  
• Sends Columbus ricocheting around the Santa Maria. ^CS2E5
  
• Sends two cowboys a distance away flying from the shockwave. ^EHA92
  
• Smashes Billted 1.0 which is capable of flying straight through walls and windows without damage. ^BV1#3
  
• While malfunctioning, lands hard enough to crater concrete. ^BV1#4
  
• Smooshes a pair of demon spawn. ^BV2#4
  

Other

• Can still make a trip while on its side and is able to land normally. ^CS1E11
  
• It also works while water-logged. ^CS1E1
  
• Sideways AND waterlogged. ^S1E12
  
• It hovers in the air for unsaid reasons while malfunctioning. ^CS1E4
  
• Has some video recording and playback functions, though seemingly a preset one for display purposes. ^FtM
  
• When their regular booth gets blown up, Rufus lets them use a payphone on a stand to much the same effect. ^EHA02
  
• Can sometimes require coins to make calls with. ^NES
  
• It can also make regular calls. ^EA
  

"Catch ya later Bill and Ted!"

Standard Disclaimer: I do not take credit for the setting, this story is set in the They Are Smol universe, written by our very own u/tinyprancinghorse.
TPH has a Website, a Patreon, and also a Discord if you need more smol shenanigans.
The first Smol Detective story can be read starting Here.
There will be some spoilers/references of the first SD story in this one, so consider yourself duly warned.
___________
First Chapter
Previous Chapter
Next Chapter
​
In the previous chapter:
Maria did a Translate.
Myyreh did a Kissy.
Da Captain did a Rawr.
​
In this chapter:
Oscar gets a Present.
Maria does a Distraction.
Tk'rii'na is a Race Car Driver.
​
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​
Oscar peeped around the edge of the shuttle door and regarded the looming mountain of Sssnnathor's main palace with resigned dread. Going back into that damn place was not something he looked forward to. He turned to the others. The Dorarizin on 'Team Silken Feather' now sported breastplates and greaves of something that looked like hard plastic, worn right over their original low-profile armor. He was sure that in spite of its fragile appearance that new armor material was fearsomely tough. For her part, The Silken Feather now had the Karnakian version of the team's low-profile armor and had even strapped a breastplate onto herself, although since it was shaped for a Dorarizin the piece of hard-armor sat loose against her keel-like chest.
At least Oscar was out of that damn robe. He now wore a spare set of his original low-profile armor, which he'd set into combat mode within seconds of donning. His elbows and knees still ached from his vent-crawling, but at least they were armored.
Through his visor, the human fixed the thief with his best glare. "You're sure this side entrance is there?"
"[It's how we got in before,]" replied The Silken Feather.
"All right." He looked up at Kgrashak. "You're the senior officer. How do you want to proceed?"
The doctor leaned out and performed her own scan of the distant palace. She held a massive maser rifle casually in one paw. "[Most of the guards have fled. [Sssnnathor's] fake announcement of the Senate invasion fleet is going live any time now, which will only add to the exodus. There should be just a few die-hards left inside, if any.]"
"So we just waltz on in?"
"[It will be more what you [humans] call 'leap-frogging' rather than 'waltzing', but yes that's the idea. Our biggest worry will be the automated defense systems.]" Kgrashak turned and nodded to Grawfren. The pilot slouched with her usual bored air at the front of the shuttle. "[You stay here with the other Karnakians. If Team [Maria] needs a hand, go help 'em. We can fortify in place if need be.]"
Grawfren nodded with one ear. "[What do I do if they get [antsy]?]" The pilot tossed her snout towards the Karnakians, who apart from The Silken Feather huddled like brooding chicks in the far corner of the shuttle's interior.
"[If they try to leave, kill 'em,]" said Kgrashak.
Ck'Trrk'Ka gave a trilling laugh, but the Matriarch's humor died away as she saw the utter seriousness in the doctor's face. "[We will stay in the shuttle, as ordered,]" she said.
"[We will also defend the shuttle if attacked!]" added Ter'yeik. The former Second Claw's crest was halfway risen in a mix of determination and fear.
"[I expect you to,]" replied Kgrashak. "[You are all still breathing only through the grace of my Captain. Don't give her...or ME...a reason to rescind that grace.]"
Oscar peeped outside again. It was still as quiet as a tomb. Shit, why did his brain have to use that metaphor? "Wish I had a sidearm, at least."
Kgrashak's stormy demeanor changed into a sly smile towards Egwreh. "[I guess it's time to give it to him.]"
Oscar turned to the engineer with wide eyes. "Wait, does that mean what I think it does?"
Egwreh smiled. "[It do.]" She reached into a bag at her feet and drew out a chromed weapon that looked like a toy in her mitt. Its appearance was similar to Kgrashak's maser, but sized and shaped for Oscar. And its clean, flowing lines made it look more like a bespoke hunting rifle than a mass-produced weapon of war.
The engineer placed the rifle in Oscar's hands. He stared at it with something akin to hunger, then realized there were no sights on the damn thing. "Wow. Okay, how do I aim it?"
"[Oh, right. Let me sync it with your armor...]" Egrweh stared off into space as her implant made the necessary 'handshake'.
Oscar suddenly saw a targeting reticle pop up on the inside of his visor. Thanks to long-ago training he made sure to keep the rifle pointed at the deck, well away from anybody inside the shuttle. The reticle helpfully told him that the deck was less than one meter away, and as he jiggled the rifle around the reticle moved to follow the muzzle's movement. He looked up and moved the rifle to point outside, careful not to sweep any of his comrades with the weapon. The targeting reticle now told him that the palace was one thousand six hundred and twenty-two meters distant.
"[It's not a slug-thrower, so you won't have to worry about windage or elevation drop,]" continued Egwreh. "[Whatever you point at, you hit. The effective beam lethality range is about [five hundred meters]. Also, the display at top right shows an estimate of how many shots you have left with the rifle's power pack. The longer you hold down the trigger with each shot, the fewer shots you'll have.]" She handed Oscar a few equally-chromed square blocks. "[I tried to make this similar to a [human] rifle in terms of loading magazines.]"
More of the old muscle memory came back as Oscar looked down at the rifle and saw an eject button, right where it would be on an M4 carbine. He pushed the button, removed the block that popped out of the rifle's bottom, and inserted one of the blocks Egwreh had just handed him. He saw the rifle's power level obediently jump back up to maximum in the upper right of his visor.
Oscar grinned so wide that he thought the top of his head would come off. "Well shit, Emma. And here I didn't get you anything."
"[Just stay alive,]" Egwreh replied. "[That'll be enough of a return gift. Oh, and I'll need that rifle back when this stupid mission is over, so that I can destroy it...don't pout at me like that! If the Inquisition so much as catches a whiff that we gave a [human] a military-grade beam weapon we'll be lucky to keep our fur.]"
​
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​
Maria paused a few paces short of the twin Sssnnathors. She peeped out a side window and looked back along their path. A few faint whirls of dust spiraled in the wake of their speedy passage, but the hard-packed desert soil didn't show any tracks.
If she squinted, she could make out what might be a tiny black dot right at the horizon. The maybe-there object danced and shimmered in the hot desert air. So perhaps the cavalry was on the way. Or maybe it was a mirage, a cruel trick from her all-too-human eyes.
In case it was rescue, Maria figured she had to distract those on board so that her comrades could get closer without notice. Then she mentally kicked herself. These assholes must have radar and other high-tech stuff on board. But on the other paw, using radar would also give away their location. So maybe the rescue team could sneak up unobserved...if her captors weren't looking out the window.
It was worth the risk. Maria took a deep breath, and before she could second-guess herself she reached out and touched Sssnnathor-1's elbow. She wanted it to be a friendly touch, but not too friendly. From the way the tyrants acted around her, it was clear they wouldn't mind adding her to the 'harem'.
The huge snake-like alien twisted with blurring speed to look down at her. He had the same viper-style face as Hrathra'sstah, with the same permanent scowl. She hoped that his real mood wasn't so stormy.
"I talked to them," she said with a big plastic smile. "They're feeling much better."
Sssnnathor-1's voice was much more jovial than his expression. "[Of course they are! No one could stay sad when faced with someone like you.]"
Maria opened her mouth to ask just what that meant, but before she could speak he swooped one arm around and under her. Faster than she could blink, Maria found herself sitting on his forearm while her feet dangled well clear of the deck. Sssnnathor-1 carried her up towards the vehicle's cockpit like a proud father carting his newborn in one arm.
Sssnnathor-2 sat coiled up next to Nerlharg, who slung himself off of the saddle-like driver's chair. "[The autopilot is set, Excellencies.]" The Dorarizin glanced at Maria and gave an annoyed ear-flick as Sssnnathor-1 slithered up with her in hand, but otherwise ignored her.
The second tyrant's hood, in contrast, scrunched in with pleasure as he set eyes on Maria. He pointed out the windshield at the mountains which loomed ever-closer.
"[Another [twenty minutes] and we'll be there, my dear! My announcement will go live in a few [minutes], so we'll have a nice bit of carnage underway right as we take off.]"
Maria glanced at the display in front of the pilot's chair. There was a lot of alien scribbles that must have carried lots of information, but she didn't see anything like a radar display.
It was time to make with the distracting.
She pressed herself against Sssnnathor-1's cradling arm and wrapped her arms around his substantial bicep. It was without a doubt the most disgusting thing she'd ever done. She tried to sound even more scared than she was. "We'll be safe, right?"
Sssnnathor-1's hood twitched with surprise at her unexpected caress. "[Yes, quite safe.]" He cradled her closer to his chest, which was exactly what Maria wanted. The jacket pocket containing his clone data-chip was now within easy reach.
What she didn't want, however, was for him to reach around with his other hand and start stroking her back...but that was exactly what he did. "[Our departure might be a little excitable but there's no danger, my dear. Once we're underway in warp, I'll show you just how grateful I am that you're with me...with us.]"
Sssnnathor-2 slipped closer. "[Yes, don't forget about me-]"
"[-of course not, this will just take some getting used to-]"
"[-for me as well, just don't [hog] the [human]-]"
"[-now be fair, you did get to hug her in the lab-]"
"[- that's true. Hey, how about we-]"
"[-yes, a truly capital idea!]"
Sssnnathor-1 turned his chest sideways, giving plenty of room for Sssnnathor-2 to press himself up against Maria. Her heart went into overdrive upon finding herself the filling in an evil tyrant sandwich.
"[Poor thing,]" hiss-purred Sssnnathor-2. "[I can feel her heart. It's beating so fast.]" His hand settled on her head as he combed his sharp-nailed fingers through her hair.
Sssnnathor-1's tongue flicked near her ear. "[Yes, she smells of fear.]"
"Yeah, just, er, be careful," squeaked Maria. She wriggled herself sideways so that she had a shoulder pressed against each tyrant's chest. That made it feel more like a group hug and less like the prelude to a gang-bang. To her relief, the Sssnnathors let her do so without complaint. But their caressing hands didn't stop. One hand stroked along her bare calf, making her twitch in surprise.
"[We'll be very careful, little one,]" said Sssnnathor-2.
"[You're so warm,]" murmured Sssnnathor-1. His free hand moved up to also comb through her hair. "[I wonder how warm you can become?]"
Maria glanced towards the rear of the vehicle. The two slaves stared in horrified fascination at her ongoing molestation, while the eight guards leaned against the walls and looked at the proceedings with a casual yet interested air. Nerlharg slouched next to the driver's saddle, and he was also focused on the snake-on-human action. His gaze was much more clinical and detached...as if the Dorarizin was taking notes for the future, when he had a human slave of his own.
Good. At least she was keeping everyone from looking behind them. She risked a quick peep towards the nearest window, and that black dot was now much more obviously 'there'. Okay, she just needed to keep it together for a few more minutes at most.
But then Maria bit her lip to keep from screaming as one of Sssnnathor-2's hands moved up from her calf. He pushed under the hem of her robe to caress the back of her thigh. His jacket front rubbed against her shoulder, and that additional contact made her freakout fade as she realized there was a golden opportunity to get her hands on both data chips. She'd need an appropriately big distraction. She hoped by now she'd done enough distracting of her own, it was time to get her rescuers in on the action...
Maria oriented herself, then nestled her head against Sssnnathor-2's shoulder. She used the motion to disguise another peep out the side window, just as she'd done before...
She caught a glimpse of something that looked like a cross between a tank and an ATV, bouncing along on oversized tires as it approached rapidly from their left rear. There was a long armored figure clinging to its roof that could only be Resh'skk, and flanking him were two huge gorilla-shaped wolves that could only be the Captain and Bgrarh.
"What's that?" she said with all the innocence she could muster.
With a unified "[Eh?]" the two tyrants turned to look in the same direction. Upon feeling their movement Maria slipped her hands along both of their chests as if to steady herself.
There was a huge "[GAH!]" in unison from the two Sssnnathors. At the same time, all of the hours of training with Oscar and those Sotek-be-damned poker chips finally paid off. With nary a whisper of excess motion, Maria neatly plucked out the two data chips, one from the jacket pocket on each side of her. She then hugged the chips and her arms to her chest as if terrified. To be fair, she didn't have to act for that latter bit.
The next few seconds was a whirl of shouted instructions and movement. Maria felt a thump in her rear as her body was suddenly encased in Nk'''traa'il's chest floof.
"[Stay there,]" growled Sssnnathor-1, while Nerlharg leapt back into the driver's station with a fearsome snarl.
The tyrants acted in sync, each one facing their respective line of guards on each side of the vehicle. Their hissing voices spoke in perfect unison. "[Get up there! They'll try to board us, and I'll have your SKINS if they do!]"
One of the Dorarizin guards all but tore open a large hatch leading up to the vehicle's roof. The vehicle's interior instantly filled with dust and heat from the outside, along with a lot of wind noise. Over that noise Maria could hear the basso growl of their pursuer's engine.
And then from outside, floating over the desert wind, came the simultaneous hiss-screaming and click-roaring of three terminally pissed-off apex predators.
It was the most wonderful noise she'd ever heard.
​
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​
Oscar moved forward to peer around the next corner, only to have a feathered arm gently but firmly pull him back.
"[Allow me,]" said The Silken Feather. "[If you get hurt, your illustrious Captain will turn me into a [duster].]"
He grumbled, but allowed the green Karnakian to move past him and do a peep of her own. They'd made it up the ramps of the building's atrium and were now in the upper levels of the pyramid.
"[Drones. Three of 'em,]" said The Silken Feather. Oscar's visor suddenly lit up showing three red circles, hovering over the hard metal floor of the adjacent corridor as if he could see through walls.
For a brief moment Oscar devoutly wished he'd had this tech during his tours of duty overseas. The musing was interrupted by Sssnnathor's plush, level voice sounding out overhead.
"[My dear subjects, may I please have your kind attention. I have received reliable intelligence that a Senate fleet is en route to this planet. There is no need to panic at the moment, please remain calm. I am still gathering data, and I'll report back when I have more to tell you. I repeat, please remain calm and do not panic.]"
Oscar could picture the inhabitants of this planet, both those corrupt and those merely drifting, now turning to stare at each other upon hearing the announcement. He could imagine them all in unison deciding that now would be a perfect time to panic.
"That tears it," he grumbled. "What do you figure, about twenty minutes before the first one of 'em try to take off?" He could picture that as well, a silver streak rising from the planet only to be cut into pieces by atomic fire. How many would die just so that Sssnnathor could cover his tracks? Thousands? Maybe millions?
"[We have more like [fifteen minutes], I think,]" replied Kgrashak from her position behind Oscar. "[As for our robot friends, shall we hit them all at once?]"
"[A sound strategy,]" replied Egrweh from the rear of their little squad. "[I'll lead, draw their fire, and take out the one on the left. Feather, you take out the center while [Oscar] deals with the one on the right.]"
"Done," said Oscar, and before he could finish the single word Egwreh was a white blur of motion. The Silken Feather was a similar green streak as Oscar rolled out into the intersection with his comparatively paltry human reflexes...
He didn't have to worry about incoming fire, since the three spherical drones were busy trying to cut down his huge comrades. Oscar set the reticle on his designated target and squeezed the trigger...
The expected recoil never arrived. This weapon was not like any rifle he'd ever fired, it was more like using the Finger of God. One simply pointed, and whatever was in the direction of that pointing ceased to exist. Oscar's target threw out a bright sheet of sparks as his invisible maser beam sliced into and then across it like the proverbial hot-knife-through-butter.
As the drone's bisected halves thumped onto the metal floor of the corridor, Oscar let out a pleased croon. He stroked the rifle fondly. "Ooooh, baby, where have you been all my life?"
The other two drones were now also so much scrap thanks to The Silken Feather and Egrweh. The latter twitched an ear towards him in good humor. "[Give me five [credits] and I won't tell Myyreh what you just said.]"
"I'll give you ten, and you'll tell her how much I was whining for her while she was off battling the forces of evil."
Kgrashak laughed as the four of them moved forward at the speed of a human sprint. "[You're learning, [Oscar].]"
The Silken Feather twitched her head towards Oscar as they ran. "[Wait, so that wasn't a joke? You and her are really...?]"
"We're really." Oscar's reply brooked no room for argument.
The thief cocked her head sideways in mid-jog. "[Wow. You [humans] really are as adventurous as they claim.]"
​
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​
"[Shoot out their tires!]" cried [Tk'rii'na]. The Senate vehicle's pilot station was now configured for a Karnakian, which was a saddle-like affair similar to a Dorarizin's but shifted forward to allow for the prominent chest-bone of a raptor. [Tk'rii'na] leaned forward in his seat to peer out the side of the windscreen, his lips peeled back to show an array of fangs that would give even a Dorarizin pause.
Myyreh had to admit that the damn [Karnakian] could drive pretty well...even if his tactical sense was for utter shit. "{If we shoot out the tires, their vehicle will tumble,}" she said. "{That will seriously hurt or kill [Maria].}"
"[Oh.]"
"{Hatch opening on the roof,}" said Bgrarh's voice in Myyreh's ear. "{Looks like they're going for a repel-boarders situation, just like we wanted.}"
Myyreh smiled without humor and crouched. That was the plan, or at least what would pass for one until a proper one came along. Put the big, obviously dangerous people on the roof and get the guards on board...or [Sssnnathor] himself, for that matter...to come up and fight them off. In the meantime, she waited inside and out of sight, like a row of cannon getting ready to deliver a devastating broadside...
​
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​
Resh'skk crouched, spreading his arms wide as he coiled his body underneath himself. He felt the Dorarizin on either side of him make similarly threatening poses. At the moment, their opposition consisted of the two guards on top the roof of the other vehicle. He could see gauntleted hands reach up and grip the edge of the hatch as more guards tried to come up; their two comrades already up-top crouched as if to receive the charge of the furious Jornissian.
Instead, Resh'skk did a quick-draw from his hip that would have made Wyatt Earp himself weep with jealousy. His maser stabbed out twice, two precise shots that drilled through each guard's torso. The lifeless bodies tumbled off the side of the car, bouncing along in the vehicles' wake.
The next guard trying to come up, a Dorarizin, had just gotten her head up in time to see the fate of her two compatriots. With admirable speed, she yanked her head back inside. Resh'skk took advantage of the pause in the action to perform a quick IR scan. Cycling through several wavelength bands in a second told him nothing; the sun beating down on the metal hull meant that any infrared from inside was smeared and indistinct.
"" he said with uncertainty. ""
"[Got it,]" replied the Captain. "[Cover us.]" Two furred blurs on either side of Resh'skk signaled the departure of her and Bgrarh. With a mental shrug, Resh'skk uncoiled his body like a massive spring to join them.
Resh'skk already weighed more than the average person, so his impact on the roof made Sssnnathor's vehicle sway. The tough metal of the hull dented slightly under his armor.
The Captain didn't so much as stumble. She stood near the vehicle's front like a monolith, a black silhouette framed against the now-setting sun. Her roaring voice would have carried across even the vacuum of space.
"[[SSSNNATHOR!] I AM RGRARSHOK-OF-NGRAZ, ALPHA OF WE-WHO-HUNT-BETWEEN-THE SPACES! AS A DULY APPOINTED OFFICER OF THE SENATE, I PROCLAIM YOU UNDER ARREST! YOU WILL STAND DOWN AND STOP THIS VEHICLE IMMEDIATELY!]"
"" purred a voice from the rear.
Resh'skk flowed into a spin, dodging to the right on instinct as a tail-tip whipped through the space his hood had just occupied.
Sssnnathor crouched next to the hatch, with Bgrarh struggling uselessly in a few of the tyrant's coils. Resh'skk tamped down his rising panic. Where had that bastard come from? Why hadn't he heard or seen his approach? The targeting reticle for his maser seemed to slide right off of the tyrant, and the peripheral information in his visor started to fizz into static.
Rgrarshok screamed again, wordlessly this time, and in response Sssnnathor grinned and heaved his body to the side. Bgrarh flew out into space, earning a simultaneous scream from Resh'skk as well...
In mid-air, the big red Dorarizin twisted in a way that didn't look possible, aiming one paw with extended claws out to just touch the hull. The metal squealed as he dug in...and as he kept falling, there was more squealing as Bgrarh dropped down along the hull and out of sight, towards the salt-crusted earth beneath which sped by far too fast.
Sssnnathor chuckled. Resh'skk decided he didn't need any stupid targeting, and whip-fast he brought his weapon to his shoulder and pulled the trigger...but nothing happened.
"[Bgrarh!]" yelled Rgrarshok.
Resh'skk answered with a yell of his own, ""
"" said Sssnnathor with a grin as he glided forward with menace. There was another squeal of torn metal behind Resh'skk, and he risked a quick glance backward...only to see the other guards now surrounding the Captain. And they all wore a lot more armor than her.
​
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​
"[Problem.]"
Oscar turned from the pleasing mound of cut-apart drones in the hallway to regard his comrades. They were now in a gunmetal-gray room shaped like a pill, with a door on opposite sides and a slit-like window running along one curved wall. That window was well above his eye-height.
"What's up?"
The Silken Feather pointed a talon at the door leading out of the pill-room. "[Through there is the main computer suite that controls the defense network.]" Then she gestured at the console in front of her. "[This is a more advanced system than I expected. I can still hack the door, but it'll take me at least [thirty minutes].]"
Oscar shook his head. "We've got less than ten before people start trying to evac. That's twenty minutes of them getting blown to shit! We've got beam weapons, can't we just cut through the door?"
Egwreh regarded the vault-like door with an engineer's eye. "[That would take even longer. About [forty minutes]."
"Shit shit shitty shit." Oscar looked around the room, then his eyes lit on the window-slit and he pointed up. "What's through there?"
The Silken Feather peered through the window and stroked her chin. "[Hmm, it looks like an access corridor that carries power cables to the computer system. The cables are armored, so cutting into them will also take too much time...Ah! You see that?]"
Oscar waved his arms, showing that his fingers were still out of reach of the windowsill. "No, birdbrain! I can't see anything!"
He let out a little whoop of surprise as two paws closed around his torso and lifted him with no effort into the air and brought him up to the level of the window.
"There you go, cutie," whispered Kgrashak in his ear.
"Thanks," he muttered back as he looked through. Beyond the window was a corridor lined with multicolored piping on all walls as well as the floor and ceiling. It was mostly dark, with only the occasional bulb to shine down a weak light here and there.
The Silken Feather tapped a claw on the hard transparency. "[Do you see the dark gray box on the wall opposite us?]"
"Yeah?"
"[That contains the power relay for the door. If we can trip that open, then the automated safety protocols will take over and open the door for us!]"
"Got it. Can we shoot it through the window?"
"[Destroying the relay won't do. We have to cycle it manually, that'll make the system think it's just a power outage.]"
"[We can cut out the window material, though,]" said Egwreh. "[That'll take maybe [five minutes].]"
The Silken Feather's plumage fluffed out in protest, making her look like a emerald puffball. "[I can't fit through there!]"
Oscar sighed. His knees were not gonna be happy with him. They still bled from his previous vent-crawl. "No, you can't fit. But I can."
​
___________
​
Tk'rii'na heard a lot of thumping and screaming from above. He paid that no mind, instead he fixed his four-eyed gaze across a few [meters] of arid desert air to meet the furious purple stare of Nerlharg. By now they were racing almost neck-and-neck along the flat hardpan. Before them both, the teeth-like range of mountains came ever closer.
He slewed the vehicle right, slamming its chisel-like front hard into Sssnnathor's vehicle. His Dorarizin counterpart reacted with equal ferocity, keeping the two vehicles locked into the same trajectory.
Tk'rii'na backed off, then slewed right again, to be met with an opposing slam that shook the vehicle. He performed an answering slam yet again, starting a predictable, constant rhythm that earned a complaint from [Myyreh].
"[This thing isn't indestructible, you know!]" she cried in protest.
Tk'rii'na ignored her as he met his opponent's gaze through a few [meters] of air and transparent armor. He twitched his arms as if getting ready for another slam, making the movement so big and obvious that Nerlharg had to see it.
"|Sutra Twenty,|" he muttered. "|Through yielding, I vanquish...|"
Right as he would have started yet another sideways-slam, Tk'rii'na stomped on the emergency brake.
The other driver was already in motion to his left, expecting the slam from Tk'rii'na...but met nothing but air, as the Karnakian was already slowing. Sssnnathor's vehicle sped through the space where Tk'rii'na would have been as the raptor stared with fearsome concentration...and right as the rear of his opponent came into view, he hit the accelerator.
The Senate vehicle leapt forward with a smash, its sharp prow digging into the hard alloy of the back of Sssnnathor's vehicle. The jolting crash spun the two ground-craft around like a pair of interlocked dancers while arid red soil sprayed around them in a wide, fan-like arc.
As the spinning slowed, Tk'rii'na heard the briefest grunt of admiration from behind him.
The Karnakian kept enough presence of mind to yell out, "|TELL [MARIA] SUTRA FORTY-TWO!|" before a howl of torn metal signaled Myyreh's exit straight through his vehicle's hull.