“Nngh… Gheh…” Lemon Demon couldn’t move much without hurting himself, and was beginning to black out as it was; Bert’s creations had been fended through, the pair had been separated, and he’d wound up tangled and chained up and unable to break free without some great risk to his own safety. Regardless, though, even slipping out of consciousness and feeling it, he kept up high spirits. “Guess I’m beat… Guess this is some kinda karma. I always made phone cords so they get all tangled up on purpose… Whole design of the things was my idea.” He snickered a bit, turning his head as much as he could. “Okay, wanna help me down, Bert?” The old troublemaker only heard silence back as his eyes shut. “…Bert?” Perseus Drakos and Casey Williams, standing at the bottom of the stairwell by the entrance to the basement room from which their opponents had come, were quiet, the older of the two putting a hand on the younger’s shoulder. “Hey, Percy… Are you doing alright?” “…why wouldn’t I be? We won… We beat a monster who killed tens of thousands. Got revenge for Rudolf…” Perseus answered, tone so even she couldn’t tell if he was forcing it or not, turning around and walking quickly towards the door, shrugging her hand away. “C’mon, we need to help those people still. They might still be alive.” “…” Casey turned to watch him move, and didn’t let herself turn back towards the coffin of glass, which had been stuck with blade after blade and begun dripping something copper-scented all over the floor. Whether he was being honest or not, Perseus was right. This mattered more. The pair stepped into the trashed laboratory, unsurprised yet at once deeply concerned as they saw the bloodied forms of the University Board members laying there, large gashes in their heads, barely moving, at either side of some off-white mess in a pile of broken glass on the ground. “They… They’re alive, for now, but… I don’t think they’ll last like this.” Casey expressed, trembling with her finger on the pulse of the restaurant’s owner. “We… Were we too late? Even fighting as fast as we could, were we too late?!” “No, there…” Perseus’ voice cracked slightly. “There has to be something we can-” He paused, then, the Stranger guiding his attention to the ‘weapon’ on the ground. Something the size of a ping-pong ball had begun to emerge from it. There’s only a few hours left, meanwhile, to vote in the round’s first boss match, wherein a returning T3 character faces an ant-controlling boy and a shocking Kamen Rider! Scenario: Downtown Los Fortuna, The Capital Islets - Near City Hall Council Chairperson Raymond Delwyn Shimizu was in about as good a mood as he could be, given the troubling circumstances. The city and everyone in it was in danger, and one of his closest allies here was currently on a dangerous mission to take down the entire leadership of the city’s most prominent crime rings, and still, petty bullshit, feuds and backroom deals and councilmen in people’s pockets continued to stand in the way of his efforts. Nonetheless, he could not wear a worried face before the smiles and trust of the people he’d come to represent, let alone as he read over a speech that he’d slaved over just for today, for the latest anniversary of the city’s founding. It was a miracle of his legislative work that the islets had managed to be in enough of a state of repair to house any event at all, let alone as beloved as this one. “That Andrew Tiffany fellow unveiled our city’s new flag at one of these foundational celebrations, couple years back.” A short, goggle-wearing guy with a red aviator cap spoke to Ray, and he regarded him unsuspiciously, as in spite of his comparable costume to certain ghosts around the city, the mayor of the town, unlike them, had a very large, prominent handlebar moustache covering up half of his face. “My first foundational celebration in office, that was… The mayor before me had just resigned after his jaywalking ring was exposed to the public by a clout-chasing whistleblower.” Ray nodded, agreeing that such a thing, of course, was deeply scandalous, wholly deserving of a replacement by Mayor Rockin Red Robin. “I can tell you’ve inherited a lot of pressure… Especially needing to hunt down the Red Flying Man. I didn’t know you were the type to take action like that…” “Of course, of course!” Mayor Red waved his hand, then, “in general, I think I must take my post more seriously, I’ve realized, especially having lost a brace of kinsmen myself to the tragedies of late. Tell you what, even… Add an addendum to your speech, that I’ve agreed to plan to get one of those ‘squads’ you want together, after this is done. I don’t flout my clout enough!” “You… You mean that?” Would it be that easy? Would Ray have yet another of his campaign promises, the hardest he’d fought futilely for, officially realized? “Certainly! So long as no abrupt scandals derail my entire political career, I should be very comfortably in a place to do so! No ulterior motives whatsoever! Only benevolence in this alliance!” “Any last-minute setup you need done, Mr. Chairman? Mayor Red?” The pair, then, looked to a tall teenaged temp they’d hired to help arrange for things, who wore a big beanie cap all the way down over his eyes… Thorburn, he’d said he was, and Ray, humoring the eccentric, accepted that for the sake of being a nice guy. “Not that I know of…” He answered, looking around, then to the giant screens affixed to the outer walls of City Hall; climbing as well as he could, this volunteer had gotten them all installed easily. “Thanks, though. You’ve been as much help as half a dozen men or more… Uh. Maybe see if Golden Week needs anything?” “Sure, yeah… That sounds fine. I’ll definitely do that.” Thorburn walked away, then, turning back a moment to conclude, “this commemoration… It’s going to be one to remember. Looking forward to the main event.” “…” Ray wasn’t sure what to make of that, but before he could ask, the volunteer was gone. “Uh… Looks like it’s about time to get started. Wish me luck.” As Ray stepped up, then, turning the mic on, he cleared his throat, earning the attention of the murmuring crowds as either hand rested on either side of the podium. “Good afternoon, Los Fortuna. I am… Deeply humbled, that we have managed to get the former Capital Island in enough of a state of repair to host this event here once more, and would like to start with thanks to the relief and repair workers still spending hours on the islets every day.” He paused to allow the crowd to applaud, then opened his mouth again. “These first months as your council chairman have been-” Royalty free music began to blare overtop itself in a discordant overlap, drowning out the interrupted words of the beginnings of Ray’s speech as the screens which had been displaying him to the crowd, suddenly, began to display static, then a form framed in silhouette. “Hello, to everyone tuning in online and in-person,” the figure said, voice distorted and lowered several octaves digitally, “it’s your favorite and least favorite web personality, your best and your worst friend, here to steal the show!” Several bumps began to emerge from the ground beneath Ray and other councillors waiting to speak, prompting them to tactically retreat from the gradually forming horned, mechanical-looking orbs with glowing green eyes which had begun to overtake the area. “What the hell is going on..?” Ray winced on his bad leg, then, before a much larger variant of the same, brighter in color, grabbed and tossed him into the soft grass. Amazingly, he landed harmlessly. “Forget about all those corrupt jerks, just here to talk about themselves, alright? Talking about them is why I’M here.” A Small House Just East of the Capital Islets, the Evening Before Ever since she had suddenly awoken in Los Fortuna, Evelyn Ensanar had never once set foot outside of her home. It had been… Hell, how long had it been? Days had become weeks had become months, all within these walls and roof, and that would turn into lord knew how long. Wild. It's insane how big numbers can get. Something tapped against the window. It was a nice neighborhood they’d wound up in, her mother had optimistically said. The neighbors were friendly, and had a girl her age, and the school district was one of the better you could find in the urban area. She could start high school on a fresh note, with ‘good’ friends, and not just sit in front of a bunch of screens in a shuttered room, making more and more of an Evelyn-shaped impression in that ergonomic lounge chair she’d spent so much time in. Yeah, mom. Something tapped against the window. Even as the island just West literally collapsed into pieces by some Stand Users’ hands, as the ground beneath her quaked, Evelyn couldn’t bring herself to go outside, and by some hand of fate, the place wasn’t destroyed; the security she’d installed over the months worked like a charm at keeping it floodproof, earthquake-proof, and most importantly, the lights plugged in and wi-fi working. That oh-so-nice high school was leveled and underwater without Evelyn even having bothered to google it. Now the city was doomed to fall or whatever, everyone was gonna die if nothing was done, and while many others sprung into action, the fourteen year-old was as stagnant as the air in the room littered with posters of aliens and spaceships and electronics and their wirings strewn about the floor, waiting for their turn to be dusted off and tested out again. Something tapped against the window. It was a nice welcoming room, a welcoming room, if a bit dark. But hey, wasn’t that why electronics electronics were there, to lighten things up? Evelyn tried to part the messy blue bangs out of her eye, but it fell back into place immediately as she turned to chug another can of Forbidden Dew, jiggling her neon wireless mouse to put her screensaver to rest, revealing her cluttered desktop. She wondered why she’d ever tried to live any other way in the first place. School was hell, and like hell, the gates were shut; people no matter how different or similar to her would forget her anyway. Even then, she’d tried time and time again to make the impossible work. God… I was so cringe back then. She was so miserable. Something tapped against the window. She looked towards the shuttered windows again, at the last vestiges of twilight fading through. It was funny, no, fucking hilarious, how that window had once shown nothing but city lights, but now, things were dim and half-sunk even when it was open. In the end, no matter how hard you try, everything leads to ‘Nothing’ in the end… For Evelyn, however, it hadn’t been that way for a while. She’d broken past the boundaries that once corralled her, found a way in which she could be a part of a society she wanted, a pillar of it, never to be forgotten. To my viewers, to my fans, I’m an icon, someone admirable… Someone I can be my true self for, a world where I don’t have to fear any kind of fall. I’m a famous, popular creator to them! I am someone who matters… I need to act like that, don’t I? But… with everything going on… The end literally months away… I really need to snap out of this rut. I need to stay *me.*** CRASH! A big, heavy rock flew through Evelyn’s window, something rubber-banded to it, and though she jumped in place and cursed under her breath, it was with a breathy sort of laugh while quickly assessing that it was absolutely not a bomb or something else. Just a ‘prank.’ She looked out to see who could be responsible, but felt like she’d only noticed a sort of glimmer in her eye, before turning towards the object in question. Rubber banded to the rock was a bulky-looking manila folder, bearing the logo of that, uh… Church of Syrinx, she thought it was called? She didn’t pay much attention to them. Looked stolen, especially as she turned the rock over and saw a message painted onto it in neon. NOT YOUR ENEMY, JUST SOMEONE WHO WANTS THINGS TO MOVE FORWARD TALK AFTER STREAM. ONE REQUEST IN EXCHANGE FOR THIS And then, it was signed with an emoji… One which made Evelyn chuckle to see. How the hell did this guy fit that all onto one side of a rock? Well, whoever it was knew where she lived, so she supposed humoring this, talking to this stone age weirdo, was her best bet… And no reason not to open up the folder in the meantime, looking its contents over. It was a collection of documents all stamped and labeled ‘CITY HALL.’ “‘Councilman Golden Week, Downtown District…’” She tilted her head, pulling more of the contents out. “‘Died months ago, replaced by another Stand User?’ ‘Ties to violent anarchist organizations?’” That made her chuckle, grin. “Based.” From there, then, she thumbed over the contents, speed-reading every entry. Affairs, insider trading dirt, terrorism complicency… There was a veritable goldmine of blackmail material that had just literally been thrown through her window, all on the ‘good’ people at City Hall. “There was that thing out there tomorrow, right?” She spoke to herself, looking out the destroyed window towards the sunken, half-rebuilt islets. Already, an idea was starting to form. Evelyn would make her mark on history yet again. But she couldn’t get ahead of herself, of course. She had a stream to get underway, and someone to thank later. Her recording software was up and running, and for the audience, a figure in an astronaut helmet appeared onscreen, a text-to-speech voice accompanying speech bubbles emerging by the avatar’s side.
good evening fans and haters and five yr olds it me looks like we finally hit 100k subs. just happened 2day dont say otherwise. U alllllllllll know what that means right tomorrow, (REAL) face reveal stream. i have some thing xtra special planned for it just u wait and see all day tomorrow after noon. tell ur friends. it will b some thing new 4 me, and it, i promise, will be epic
In high spirits, eagerly awaiting what would come next and planning already in their mind, UltraNebula67 proceeded to have one of the best evening streams they felt they’d had in a long time. Downtown Los Fortuna, the Next Morning - En Route to Capital Island Espiritu was not a fan of crowds, or of events. It was all noise, and content, and people hoping to speak their platforms in ways which belied their intentions. In Los Fortuna, it would always mean that there were so many more people than anywhere else he’d been whose sins he would see carried upon their backs, thinking nothing of how they would have to some day answer for what clung to them so fearsomely. This city is the dead… I am as well. Much had been on the jaguar’s mind in recent days… That Worm, he had taken something which Espiritu had valued dearly, a remnant of the only thing to truly ever be like him which had been stolen from him. He had taken and threatened one of the few people in this world who had known how to find it, and now, horrible loss had come. Failure, for Espiritu, was certain. Death would come. Yet he walked towards City Hall with discomfort in his every step. A message had been written in neon on the side of the Estate early that morning, as he’d come back from attempting to exercise, to find some sign of where the man might have taken the memento known as Golden State.
TODAY AT CITY HALL MEN WILL BE RUINED WILL YOU LET THEM?
As he read over those words, Espiritu felt as if he was being watched, heard a rustling in the grassy forests of the island. This wasn’t a warning, then. It was an ultimatum. Somebody was calling him out, meant to drag him in front of the city for whatever purpose was running through their mind… Over the well-being of people whose lives meant nothing to him, whose suffering he could not even begin to give a damn about if he wanted to. He would make his way out there as soon as he could. “Oh shit, hey, what’s up?” Espiritu was distracted from his thoughts on the matter by the teenaged voice cutting in to question his presence. Sitting on a bench close to the epicenter of the speech, half-watching the council chairman speak to somebody or another and plan it out, was the strawberry blonde biker known as ‘Lou’ Reed, sitting and having Wrenn Aflight, disguised only with a big scarf over his face’s lower half, lean into her shoulder slightly. They seemed to be doing well, regardless of the grudges clinging to their backs, and Espiritu needed more information. “You… Hello, yes. I am here for an important reason. I’ve received a warning that ‘something’ would happen to ‘ruin’ the men here, if I did not appear. Have you found what you said you would?” It was a matter unrelated to Espiritu’s presence here, and Lou shook her head. “I’m working on it… And hell, maybe we’re looking into the same thing. Mostly I’m here so Wedding March fanboys don’t start trashing the place and demanding they reinstall their guy just because he died and came back.” She smiled softly, then, adding, “I doubt they’ll try anything, but honestly… I’d almost like to see them try, just gimme the excuse, you know?” “That does not sound like what I am looking into.” Espiritu continued speaking through his Stand, looking to the idol next. “A message was spray-painted onto the Estate, by somebody nimble. Do you know anything about where your ally is? If he knows anything about it?” “You mean Bang?” Wrenn tilted his head. “Tell the truth, I haven’t talked to him much at all the past few days! He’s been running around doing this, that, this other thing, and I haven’t been able to keep track of it… If I thought it was important, I’d try, though!” “You two are no help, then,” Espiritu remarked, not resenting it, but not wanting to stick around long if he didn’t need to, either. He liked one of the two people present here, and the other had similar amounts of grudges to himself, but he would not waste his time here. He began to walk away, then, the companionship between the two meaning little to him. “If something happens, let me know.” Before he could investigate any further, however, robotic-looking things began to emerge from the ground, round, and bumpy, and charging people, pushing them yet not seeming to hurt them, and Espiritu ran and ran away, desperate even more now to find what was going on. Horrible, discordant noises were blaring, and a new, shadowed face appeared on the screens which had been displaying Raymond Delwyn Shimizu’s speech. “Hello, to everyone tuning in online and in-person,” the figure said, voice distorted and lowered several octaves digitally, “it’s your favorite and least favorite web personality, your best and your worst friend, here to steal the show!” More people were thrown, yet none harmed. “Forget about all those corrupt jerks, just here to talk about themselves, alright? Talking about them is why I’M here.” “Are you alright, chairman?!” Mayor Red helped Ray up with surprising strength, dusting him off and looking things over. “Yeah… Just surprised a bit. If these are Stand constructs, their power is surprisingly low. Virtually indestructible, though…” “I’m here for multiple reasons, really… The first, of course, is to celebrate my own milestones as a creator and community head! That’s right!UltraNebula67 has broken the 100k subscriber milestone!I just needed to do something special for that, right?” A chat sidebar appeared on the side of the silhouetted screens, showcasing the series of emojis representing the viewers’ joy at this, as well as many talking about a face reveal or asking what the hell was being played. “Rather than using my avatar for this… I’m going to make a face reveal, and explain today’s stream, the greatest pranks I’ve pulled yet, as myself! Are you hype? Get hype! Okay! Alright! Hyper! More hype! Okay, just a little less hype… Little more! Okay!” Nebula’s shadowy hand held up a remote, and they began to count down, voice growing less and less distorted, “in five… four… three… two..!” The lights in the room came on dramatically then, and all were able to see the iconic streamer’s face for the first time, grinning in a sure, confident way as their blue hair looked quite natural rested with bangs covering up one eye. Though they didn’t know to call them Evelyn, the world could see the teenaged girl behind Nebula for the first time. (art by crimsonRedscarlet!) This… This problem is being caused by a child? Of course it is. Espiritu was unsurprised, even if he knew that he wasn’t exactly a boomer himself. For a single, shy moment, Nebula’s hand waved, with a little “hey..!” in a lower voice than the previous grandstanding, before she gulped, nodded, and narrowed her visible eye, grinning and raising her voice again. “It’s great to finally show my face to the world, and I couldn’t have picked a better special stream to do it! See, not only have I, as you can see, had these ‘minions’ of mine take over the steps in front of City Hall, but I even have a reason to!” A lofty folder full of documents was pulled into Nebula’s hands, ushered in by a cascade of air horns. “Things to be said about everyone here, councillors and mayors and DAs, oh my! All leaked to me by a great new friend!” “Just to let you know I’m not kidding, let’s start with a ‘freebie,’ to show this stuff means business! To the guy no longer in office, the man who claimed to be pro-safety and was murdered anyway, then came back when nobody asked him to, Wedding March!” Documentation of the former Council Chairman filled the screen, as well as photos of his middle-aged face, transactional records indicating exactly what Nebula was about to say. “That necromancied old-timer had been blocking so many reforms for the city, all because he’d been taking tons of under-the-table payments from Ugo McBaise’s VALKYRIE to set up the table for a private police force basically replacing the already-pretty-garbo police! He was even starting to fund his reelection bid! Talk about CRINGE, am I right? Now, a lot of these aren’t quite that, we’ve got affairs, embarrassing secrets, old photos, all of it spicy, and I’ve saved some of the absolute nastiest for later!” “Is she just… Leaking corruption stuff?” Wrenn tilted his head, his own Stand beginning to recall where a moment ago he’d been trying to fight. “That sounds fine actually! I think she’s just doing this to get into the drama sphere, but people should be punished for that kinda stuff!” “Honestly… Nobody’s been hurt yet, just shoved around.” Lou, too, stood down, slightly, a little amused, if anything. “Fuck it, sure. I’m along for the ride… What’s the endgame with all these gaming enemy robot things?” “I’ve watched her streams before…” Wrenn admitted. “I thought her Stand ability was clicking on stuff and making it stop.” “Now, I know what some of you longterm fans are thinking… ‘I thought their Stand ability was clicking on stuff and making it stop!’” Nebula threw her head back, laughing and waving a mouse around. “That’s just something this mouse can do, I’ll have you know! My Stand isn’t just defined by a weird new way to play ‘cookie clicker!’ No, no, by now you’ve noticed all those enemies from Iconic Video Game roaming around, just bumping into or throwing guys in their way… This, and how it created my usual avatar, are my REAL ability!” “That’s right, this is a Stand reveal, too!” Pogchamps resembling Nebula’s avatar filled the chatbar, and Nebula revealed a pair of VR glasses-looking things, flipping them over her head. “This… Is ‘Wind of Fjords!’ I can connect to any alternate reality through this, any medium, and within a few hours, raise up anything from it I want! Though if I can’t control it myself, it has a mind of my own… I’m not controlling those bullying baddies down there, even if I did queue them up last night, for the record! But they aren’t the only thing I’ve summoned up, either.” She was making this into a game. Espiritu was more and more appalled. “See, much as I love the info in here… I’m not a drama channel. I’m a gamer at heart, someone who loves to play games, to really get involved with the community instead of just talking at people! So I’ve decided, since you know I’m not bluffing, whether or not all of this stuff gets leaked, is going to DEPEND now on a ‘game.’” The mayor looked deeply concerned, there, and Raymond stood up a bit, looking to aides. “Find where they’re streaming from… I want to have a chat with this kid.” A cheap-looking 3D model of a videogame card key spun around on the centralmost screen, the other two occupied by the 2D sprites which nonetheless successfully rotated and existed in 3D space. “That bad boy is what I call the ‘data key…’ It’s a device I made up and wrote a whole short story about, and you know what its power is? Its power is that if someone is holding onto it after I start a five minute countdown, they get to decide if the leak goes through and the whole online gets these notes or not! And right here, right now… It’s IN someone’s possession, at that very site! You’ll be able to identify them by a little triangle rotating above their head. And it has this weird little glitch where it just leaks everything automatically if more than two people are fighting for it at one-” “I’ll explain from here.” Another voice chimed in, audible on the stream; this one was definitely masculine. The crowd murmured and looked around, only for someone - the volunteer, Thorburn, in his big beanie cap - to rush out into the middle of the enemies in his waiter-looking outfit, then dramatically toss his disguise away, revealing shockingly to the world the distinctive hair and sleeveless outfit of Bang “Boogie” Bronson. A triangular shape was rotating above his head, and a microphone was in his hand, which he spoke into, then, gazing out into the crowd as the streaming screen split to focus on both his face and Evelyn’s. “You came here… I know you did. So why haven’t you come out yet?” Everyone was silent, then. Almost everyone was confused, but one member of the crowd knew exactly who was being addressed. “You have about five minutes now… You know that, don’t you? If you don’t steal this from me… We’re going to put things out that ruin basically everyone in city hall. And sure, most deserve that, but… It doesn’t make a g-goddamn difference to me, win or lose, whatever happens. What matters is that *you fight for it, tooth and nail.”*** … … Bang hung his head, shutting his eyes. “I see… So in the end, you can’t do it. Y-you talk big about taking control, but you’re hopeless… You don’t think it’s worth it at all.”
PRESUMPTUOUS!
A TTS device, different from Nebula’s usual, rang through the arena quite loudly, everyone confused and murmuring about who to send in, if they should bother at all, until the source came through; it was a fucked up-looking jaguar with a cell phone, the latter of which speaking words in tandem with his Stand emoting them. “These people, these councillors… They mean nothing to me, and I do not want them in charge of me. Most could not care less. They will be weighed by what they have done for a long, long time.” Espiritu stepped closer, then, more and more of a disgusted look in his eye. “What you, and this… GAMER, have done, it is not justice. It is not even a test… You are acting solely to disrupt, solely for yourselves, and feeling important. It’s despicable, with what we’re on the verge of. With what is going to kill us in here.” “WHOA! AN ENTIRE JAGUAR HAS STEPPED INTO THE RING, CHAT! BANG “BOOGIE” BRONSON IS GONNA BE FIGHTING A JAGUAR FOR THIS!” Nebula sounded genuinely excited, trying not to let the terrible and apt words get to her. This was going to be amazing. “Espiritu…” Bang couldn’t help but smile, bouncing back and forth on his heels and tilting his head. “If you think so, th-then put a stop to it. I want to see you try… I want you to put everything you’ve got into this.” “This is a waste of time. Nobody else is even bothering to join in, it is so much a waste of time.” Espiritu concluded, preparing a stance to make a movement. “Five minutes… You won’t last that against me.” Bang bounced a spray paint can in his hand. “That’s the spirit.” Nebula, then, made sure several airhorns blared at once, calling out… “OPEN THE GAME!” Location: Downtown, in front of City Hall. The area here is 75 by 85 meters with each tile being 5 by 5 meters. Espiritu starts on the left center and Bang is on the right center as represented by their respective character tokens. The yellow tiles are cobblestone walkways, with the darker yellow tiles being the sidewalk that borders the road represented by grey tiles. On the road, there are parked cars represented by the purple rectangles, naturally these cars are locked. The green dotted rectangles are designated greenery zones and each have shrubs and small thin trees inside them. They also each have a lamppost as represented by the yellow “X” marked circles, each lamppost is 5 meters tall. At the top center is the City Hall Building, in the center of it is a podium and the lined part of it is the stairs leading up to the upper foundation represented by the main grey rectangle. The upper foundation is 3 meters tall. The columns supporting the front of the building are 5 meters tall, and while the entrance to city hall is visibly represented by the rounded rectangle, it is not enterable for this match. There are several entities here created by Nebula’s Stand Ability and they come in two varieties. They are represented by the 12 red square faces and the 6 blue square faces and will be gone over in more detail below. Both types of entities are vaguely humanoid creatures and it’s pretty clear that they must be from some type of video game. Goal: Be the one with the Data Key at the end of 5 minutes! Additional Information: The Data Key is not a physical entity, it is a program that attaches itself to a host. While inside a host a holographic triangle icon will appear above the host’s head. Outside of a host it looks like a floating pixel art key in a .25 diameter translucent bubble. While floating, the key will float slowly towards the center of the map, one meter off the ground at a slow walking pace. It is also not physically tangible to walls and objects, but will bind itself to the player that touches it. In order to knock the Data Key out of a host, they must be attacked by one of Nebula’s entities mentioned above, more detail below on specifics. But if a person with the Data Key is attacked by another person directly, say with a punch or anything really that causes pain or injury, the Data Key will transfer itself to the attacker. At the start of the match Bang will be the one with the Data Key. The Red Entities are known as Chargers and as their name implies they will run at you and knock the Data Key out of you on impact if you have it. They have C Power, C Speed, and A Durability. Their charge is very much like a football tackle and meant to knock the target over. They have a 30 meter aggro range from their starting position and will detect and go after players in that range. They will prioritize whoever’s closer. If they are 30 meters away from their starting position or there is no target in aggro range, they will make their way back to the starting position until they aggro on something within range again. The Blue Entities are known as Chucks and as their name implies they will grab and throw whatever they get their hands on at full power. If you have the Data Key on you, it will get left behind where the Chuck is as you get tossed. They have A Power, C Speed, and A Durability. They have the same aggro principles and detection as the Red Entities and when a player is in grab range, they will initiate a two handed grab and toss on whatevewhoever they manage to catch. They also seem to have impeccable aim and will always throw things to the farthest away greenery area. Except the two on the road, those two will throw you towards the roof of City Hall that is visible on the map.
“Face forward, don't attack me! It's not gonna hit, anyway!” You are not worried about these things at all, in fact you can make use of these things too. Use Nebula’s Stand Entities here to your advantage!
“Great misfortune is on its way here.” Well since these things will be getting in both your ways, maybe they could be useful to you. Use Nebula’s Stand Entities here to your advantage!
Link to the Official Player Spreadsheet Link to Match Schedule As always, if you would like to interact with the tournament community and be among the first to get updates for the tournament, please feel free to PM a member of our Judge staff for an invite to our Official Discord Server!
Austrian Grand Prix 2020 Race Debrief - /r/Formula1 Editorial Team
2020 Austrian GP - a Long Awaited Dish, Served Hot and Spicy
By Felix_670 and Death_Pig Race Result and fastest laps by drivers The most memorable recipes are the ones with unique and seemingly unrelated elements that come together create something truly special. A Formula 1 Grand Prix is no different. After what feels like an eternity, the first course of the 2020 F1 season was served. And boy was it a tasty one. Let us take a look at the recipe that made the 2020 Austrian GP.
The Pre Race Tension
The minutes leading up the start of a Formula One race are one of the best parts of the Grand Prix weekend. Race day in Austria was no exception, with the dramatic last minute news of Mercedes’ Lewis Hamilton receiving a 3-place grid penalty. Before we could see how much the Briton’s grid penalty would shake up the start of the race, Formula 1 showed a thoughtful and classy display of allyship in the fight against racism, with the drivers and team personnel taking a knee during the anthem ceremony. After the drivers lined up on their grid spots, the heart beats of fans around the world beat faster and faster as the 2020 F1 season finally got underway.
Reliability Issues/Retirements
The intense heat of the Austrian summer and the brutal unforgiving kerbs of the Red Bull Ring were both merciless, ending the races of a number of midfield drivers while simultaneously making Mercedes very anxious with heavy strain being put on their gear box sensors. Of the 20 drivers who started this Grand Prix, only 11 crossed the finish line on lap 71. Max Verstappen, Daniel Ricciardo, Lance Stroll, Kevin Magnussen, Romain Grosjean, George Russell, Kimi Räikkönen, Alexander Albon, and Daniil Kvyat, all of them failed to see the chequered flag. For a public used to the typical two or three race retirements, this was an unexpected twist for the first race of 2020. Local favorite Max Verstappen was the Styrian’s circuit’s first victim. He started from 2nd on the grid after Lewis Hamilton’s three-place penalty and looked set for a very straight forward podium, before the RBR Sunday nightmare started. On lap 12 his Red Bull began to lose power going into Turn 1. He trundled around, furiously trying to keep his machine from going into anti-stall until reaching the pits, where he eventually had to retire as a result of an electrical issue. Daniel Ricciardo was the next victim to the mechanical demons. On lap 19 the Australian, who had been hassling Sebastian Vettel for a few laps, came in to the pits and retired with an overheating car. Even before Ricciardo retired, the Racing Point of Lance Stroll had begun to experience mechanical issues, the Canadian’s pace disappearing suddenly. Vettel got by the struggling Racing Point before the issues forced Stroll to bring his Racing Point back to the pits to retire. Red Bull was not the only team to have a nightmarish Austrian Grand Prix. Haas suffered a double retirement, both drivers suffering brake failures, albeit thankfully neither crashing as a result of their issues. Kevin Magnussen was the first retirement for the squad, spinning going into Turn 3 during a battle with Esteban Ocon that lasted for several laps, spinning into the run-off area once he applied the brakes, the Haas’ race over right there. His perilous position caused the Safety Car to be deployed. Later in the race, Romain Grosjean could not stop his Haas going into Turn 4, ending what had been a rough race for the Frenchman. He had already spun coming out of Turn 4, after which he had an early pitstop, and was also shown the black and white flag for taking liberties with the track limits. Another unsatisfied driver was George Russel, who was having an excellent Grand Prix, running in P12, just outside the points, when his Williams came to a halt on lap 51. The day was not a total disaster for Williams, with rookie Latifi coming home P11. He was close to a points finish in his first race (a feat not seen since Stoffel Vandoorne’s debut in 2016)), but the Grove outfit will have to hope for better luck next week. It was nonetheless a good weekend for one of Formula 1’s most historic teams, which showed that their car can again start competing with the other teams. The next retirement was by far the most bizarre of the race. On lap 55, coming out of Turn 9, the right front tire of Kimi Räikkönen’s Alfa Romeo popped off and went flying into the tire barrier and eventually stopped in the gravel trap of Turn 10. Taking advantage of his vast experience, the Finn controlled his ruined Alfa and brought it to stop against the barrier on the main straight. Vettel who was closely following Räikkönen did well to take avoiding action. The second to last retirement of the day was the last nail in the coffin for Red Bull’s hopes. Alexander Albon was taking full advantage of his new tires to attack Lewis Hamilton for P2 going into Turn 4, making a gorgeous move on the outside of the world champion, when his rear right wheel was collected by Hamilton’s left front, sending the Thai driver into a spin. For the second time, Hamilton deemed to be at fault for a move that ultimately cost Albon a podium finish. Albon’s trip into the gravel dropped him to plum last, and he retired soon thereafter. Hamilton’s five second penalty for causing a collision likely to be no balm to the pain experienced by the Milton Keynes team. Finally, it was time for Daniil Kvyat to complete the roll of retirees. The Alpha Tauri driver suffered a strange tire/suspension failure on the way to Turn 1 similar to Sebastian Vettel’s race ending puncture in 2016. The weekend was not a total loss for AlphaTauri, though, as Pierre Gasly delivered a strong points finish, crossing the line in P7. This was a glass half empty/glass half full kind of day for the newly branded (and lovely livered) Tauris. This Grand Prix was nothing short of a slaughter of Formula 1 cars. Ultimately only 11 survived, but the 9 retirements were one of the key ingredients to this race’s utterly spicy recipe.
McLaren - Midfield leaders once again?
McLaren ended the 2019 season in great form, emerging as strong midfield contenders, a question lingering over the off-season whether they would be able to retain that status. With Norris and Sainz qualifying P4 and P6, it looked as if the team was doing everything right and would continue their race back towards the front of the pack. Their prospects got a boost before the race, with Norris being promoted to 3rd after Lewis’ penalty. The quick starting Briton was able to challenge a medium shod Max Verstappen when the lights went out, while his teammate sparred with Ferrari’s Charles Leclerc. However, the Mclaren MCL34 was unable to sustain pace, with Albon overtaking Norris, who had Sergio Perez hot on his gearbox. After the first of three safety cars, the entire grid switched to Hard tires, with Perez the only driver on Mediums. After a scrap to get out of the pits, Perez was able to attack Norris on softer rubber and easily overtake him on lap 33. As the gap between Norris and Perez increased and Sainz languished Leclerc, both McLarens got calls to speed up. Norris was asked to switch to “Plan A, Maximum Pace”, and Sainz was told to stay as close to Leclerc as possible. Sainz did try to get past Leclerc, but his attempt ended with the Spaniard clattering into the man he replaces at Ferrari next season and remaining behind the Monégasque. The McLaren-Ferrari-McLaren sandwich continued until lap 51, when the second safety car came out, courtesy of George Russel’s stricken Williams. Predictably, there was a flurry of unscheduled pit stops and while most of the grid got new tires, the Mercedes duo stayed out along with Perez, who moved up to third. They would, however, have cars on fresh rubber behind them, the first being Albon on fresh Softs, followed by Norris on new Mediums. Perez lost out to Albon with no recourse just as yet another safety car was triggered by Kimi’s flyaway front right tire. As the bunched up field got underway again, the down-but-not-out Ferrari of Leclerc got past Norris, leaving the two teammates to fight with each other. After some incredible wheel to wheel action between them, Norris came out on top, setting off to chase down and pass Perez in a fight for a possible podium due to Lewis’ penalty. Sainz also got past Perez, who at this point struggled with his worn tires. In the process of chasing down Hamilton, Norris put in the lap of his life, getting the fastest lap point for his time on the final lap with a time of 1:07.475, and crucially, pulling within the crucial 5 seconds to Lewis, clinching his first podium in the process to the absolute delight and ecstasy of the team. Social distancing be damned, it was hugs all around for the team, celebrating their double points finish, with Sainz finishing P5. Shockingly, this leaves McLaren in second place in the constructors’ standings, their best start to a season since 2012 with Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton at the wheel.
Ferrari - A weekend of despair, ending with a beacon of hope
Ferrari came into this weekend with growing suspicions about their form after a lacklustre winter test. Once qualifying began, worry turned into panic, as they were well off the pace, with Charles Leclerc qualifying 7th, and Sebastian Vettel not even making it to Q3, a dismal 11th. Leclerc spent much of the race in a McLaren sandwich, trailing Norris while in turn, being trailed by Sainz. Vettel, however, slowly made his way up the pack, but his Ferrari visibly struggled as he locked up again and again into Turn 3. With the late braking specialist Daniel Ricciardo hot on his tail, it was not a position Vettel wanted to be in. Vettel found a moment of relief when Ricciardo retired, citing cooling issues but it would not be the end of Vettel’s woes. The first safety car bunched up the grid, allowing Sainz to close in on Leclerc. After an ambitious attempt by Sainz on the inside of Turn 3, he had to back off, stepping off the gas and turning away from Leclerc. Vettel, unfortunately, chose this moment to put the front end of his SF1000 right in the path of the McLaren, causing him to spin and drop back right to the bottom of the leaderboard. Not the start the 4 time champion wanted. After the second set of pit stops, triggered by the second safety car, the Ferrari was rejuvenated on the Hards. Leclerc quickly passed Norris, then Perez, moving into third place after the collision between Albon and Hamilton. With the five-second penalty for Lewis, all Leclerc had to do was maintain the right distance to Lewis to come home P2, which he did with relative ease. It is a result even the most ardent tifoso would not have bet on after qualifying. The team played their cards well and Leclerc was able to deliver when it mattered. What his teammate can do with the new car will have to wait until next weekend, for one cannot write a four time world champion off after one difficult weekend, but it turned out to not be the debacle many predicted for the Scuderia.
Albon and Hamilton - To be or not to be
The Brazilian Grand Prix of 2019 could be remembered for many things. But for Albon, it was the race he almost scored a podium at. Almost. Running third while being chased by Hamilton, the world champion miscalculated a move, clanking into and spinning Albon in the process. The stars seemed to align again today, with both Mercedes cars facing gearbox issues, fresh tyres for Alex, and a well-timed safety car which allowed him to get past Perez and move in right behind Lewis, who was driving on worn Hards. After the Safety Car ended, he was able to move right into Hamilton’s slip stream into Turn 3, but he was unable to make it through. Another turn, another attempt, this time around the outside of Lewis down the hill to Turn 4, who was doing his best to keep Albon behind. The youngster positioned his car just right, getting alongside, then past Lewis around the outside of Turn 4. But the pass never happened, as Lewis spun Albon again by clipping his right rear. Off went Albon spinning into the gravel, and with it his dreams of a first podium. And if that was not enough, he ended up facing an engine stoppage pulling him to the side of the road with just two laps remaining. All in all, a weekend to forget for Albon (and Red Bull) after that stellar qualifying lap in Q2, and after doing so well in the race.
Safety Cars: Bernd Goes to Work
Bernd Mayländer, the man who earns his living by driving the wheels of his newly reliveried Mercedes AMG GTR in front of 20 impatient racing cars, certainly earned his pay check today. The formerly silver now jet black Mercedes (though being thoroughly warned to be careful and avoid kerbs by James Vowles) were looking like they were going to easily run away for a 1-2 finish before Bernd made the first of his three appearances during several points of the Grand Prix. However, due to the numerous retirements in the race, Bernd strapped in and did exactly what he was put on this Earth to do: back up a pack of Formula 1 cars. He did so with in perfect timing, just as the Mercedes were running away - SHAZAM - a retirement and the field was all bunched up ready to restart again and again. Bernd’s efforts provided treated us with to several pulse pounding restarts and this race would not have been the same without the safety cars, the most important ingredient of this race. Perhaps Mr. Mayländer should’ve been nominated for Driver of The Day.
Rating The Dish
There is no other way of saying it, the 2020 Austrian GP was the perfect start to the season. After a miserable off-season and the uncertainty of whether the season would even happen or not, the Red Bull Ring delivered a classic. What we feared to be a 2014-style Mercedes massacre turned out to be quite the opposite. Every key ingredient worked in perfect harmony to give us a Grand Prix cooked to spicy perfection. As Crofty said in the broadcast, good things come to those who wait, and boy did we wait before Formula 1 once again delivered the goods. Now we get to do it all over again next weekend. Do you have any predictions for next weekend? Who will be the winners and losers next weekend? Will we see the same problems or will the quick turnaround be enough time for teams to get their issues sorted out? Let us know below!
Day One Here Day Two Here JULY 3RD A FEW HOURS AFTER MIDNIGHT The night fighting on Culp’s Hill was slow and torturous. The Confederate assault from Johnson’s division had to cross rough terrain and a river before it even started going uphill, which at night was an incredibly miserable task even without Union troops firing at them. Union skirmishers played hell with their progress, and after brushing them aside, Johnson bumped into a defensive line that his Union counterpart Geary had spent all day perfecting. As mentioned yesterday, their only success was to grab tiny footholds on the Union side of Rock Creek, which ran between the two hills. As the fighting died away and the bone weary soldiers on both sides crashed asleep hard, Lee plotted. He smelled blood; on July 1st, they’d carved up the Union men good and drove them from the field. Yesterday, on the Union left, they’d wrecked a Union corps under Sickles, smashed into the Union center and almost broke it (damn those blue belly reinforcements showing up in the knick of time), and even gained a toehold on the Union right. The men’s morale was high. Lee decided to repeat yesterday’s plan, but better executed. Simultaneous attacks on both flanks should overwhelm them, and J.E.B. Stuart could make it up to all of them by chasing down the shattered Army of the Potomac to scoop up all the heavy guns and supplies and wounded that could not retreat rapidly. To which end, Lee sent Stuart on a super wide flanking attack around the Union right so as to be in position to strike at the right moment. Lee generated the orders in written form and sent them off by messenger to his corps commanders. Meanwhile, Meade had another war council face to face with his generals. They decided to stand pat, to neither attack the Confederate positions nor retreat back towards Washington. The terrain massively favored them and Lee would (more likely than not) walk into their gunsights again. A defensive stance, however, doesn’t mean pure passivity. A few hours after the Confederate assault petered out and Lee’s decision was made, the Union started a counterattack on a small scale. ———————————————————————— DAWN At dawn, the Union right flared up. Fresh troops had marched in overnight and Meade wanted his damn hill back. The extreme end of the Confederate left flank (which is of course opposite the Union right) found itself getting hammered in front of Culp’s Hill by artillery from the Baltimore Pike. Clearly, such a bombardment was meant to be followed up with an assault to retake the bridgehead. Johnson, having received his orders from Lee and being under the impression that Longstreet was attacking in tandem a mile and a half away on the other side of the hills, attacked Culp’s Hill again before the Union could attack him first. The plan was what the plan was; pressure here, successful or not, was needed for someone to break through somewhere. But Longstreet wasn’t attacking. Later on, Longstreet would claim to have never received the order to advance, but the sources I have assert this is untrue- he received the order, he just didn’t do anything about it. Instead of spending the night getting his troops on line to attack Little Round Top and the southern chunk of Cemetery Ridge, he just sat tight and did nothing. Oceans of ink have been spilled over the years speculating as to why. The Lost Cause narrative asserts that Longstreet was a Yankee-loving turncoat who deliberately sabotaged Lee’s plan and lost the battle on purpose. Others think that Longstreet's conviction that attacking here was insane and that they should fall back and look for battle somewhere else on more favorable terms had been strengthened by the results of July 2nd, and as such was dragging his heels trying to not attack again. Or maybe it was just the general haze of Civil War era incompetence taking its toll again. ———————————————————————— MORNING As Johnson’s men gamely attacked the untakeable Culp’s Hill and were cut down by accurate rifle fire and close range cannon fire, Lee hunted down Longstreet to demand an explanation for his borderline insubordinate refusal to attack. Longstreet pitched his idea again. He’d spent all night scouting the Union line. The enemy line was unbreakable. They shouldn’t try to attack them here. They should slip around the Union left, south of Big Round Top, to threaten the Union supply lines. Do that, they would make the Union respond to them, fight them on more equal terms. That’s the plan Longstreet had been preparing for all night, not a suicidal- Lee cut him off with a raised fist. There would be no tricky maneuver around the flank. They would assault the Union line under the present conditions. To the north, Johnson was still getting his teeth kicked in. Lee sent orders to call off the assault, but it would take a while for the messenger to get there and for Johnson to get word to his brigades to stand down and fall back. Meanwhile, across the way on Cemetery Ridge, Meade stalked his line, double checking all the positions for any confusions or errors to correct, emitting confidence and good cheer. Lee scoped out the Union center personally, being in the area anyway. His complex double flanking maneuver wasn't working. A new plan was needed. Lee figured that Meade had reinforced Little Round Top and the surrounding area yesterday, and that those troops hadn’t gone anywhere since. The Union defense at Culp’s Hill has been similarly fierce that morning, fierce enough to threaten Johnson with an offensive. If both flanks were strong... the center must be weak. Yesterday, a small Confederate brigade had crossed the Emmitsburg road under fire and smashed into the Union line on Cemetery Ridge, just south of Cemetery Hill. They had straight up routed the enemy- had there been more men available to back them up and follow through, that small brigade might have won the battle outright instead of being pushed back as they’d been. Lee was satisfied. The Union center was brittle, undermanned, and the best point to hit it was at that same place. Meanwhile, J.E.B. Stuart was stepping off on his flanking ride. ———————————————————————— LATE MORNING Johnson’s last big push up Culp’s Hill was heroic. By that time, all of them knew how strong the Union position was. They surely walked into this with their eyes open. A three brigade front set up for a shock attack, backed up by four more to exploit the hoped-for opening. Among them was the famous Stonewall Brigade, Jackson's old unit that he’d raised up and trained personally before being tapped for higher command. The Stonewall Brigade was, arguably, the elite of the Confederate army. The year before, they’d outmaneuvered and outfought a Union stab at Richmond coming through the Shenandoah valley. The charge was cut down and butchered like all the others, and Johnson fell back. Williams, whose batteries on the Baltimore Pike had kicked things off that morning, got a little overexcited and counterattacked without orders. His orders to attack the Confederate flank left his subordinates sickened with dread, but were obeyed nonetheless. Once the Union counterattack was butchered in retaliation by the entrenched Confederates, combat on the Union right ceased after six straight hours of gory, hopeless combat. Meanwhile, Confederate artillery under the command of Colonel Alexander set itself up on a mile wide front, all carefully sited and positioned both for protection and for good lines of sight on the Union center. A brief but fierce artillery duel kicked off as each side tried to knock out the other’s firing points before the big moment, but was soon cut off to preserve ammo. Lee mustered his available forces, bringing in troops that were only now straggling in and combining them with some units that had fought the day before. It was a haphazard and frankly half-assed piece of staff work- veteran units who hadn’t fought at all in the last two days were left in reserve, while exhausted troops who’d already suffered 50% casualties were included. Many of the brigades who were to charge Cemetery Ridge had green colonels in charge because their generals had been killed or wounded the day before. The gap between the northern half of the assaulting force and the southern half was four football fields long, and nobody seemed to notice or care. The division commander to lead the north side of the assault, General Pettigrew, was selected not for any rational consideration or advantage, but because he happened to be standing nearby when the decision was being made. Longstreet, who by this point wanted nothing to do with any of it, was placed in overall command. It took a few hours to organize this clusterfuck into something resembling a coherent unit- three divisions spread over a mile wide front, with Pickett on the left, Pettigrew on the right, and Trimble behind them to provide some depth to the big push. There is no particularly good reason why the upcoming Pickett’s Charge is known as “Pickett’s Charge”. Pickett was not actually in charge of it, or even in charge of most of it. He was a division commander who had never seen proper combat before- in every battle since 1861, his unit had been held in reserve or absent. This was to be his first chance to get in this war. I suspect it’s known as Pickett’s Charge because he and his men were Virginians, and it was fellow Virginians who would pour over the battle to find out why the wrong side won. Accordingly, they conceived of it as being a Virginian affair, overshadowing the Tennesseans, Alabamans, North Carolinians, and Mississippians who formed the other two-thirds of the attack. I was surprised to learn that we have a hard time figuring out how many men were actually involved in Pickett’s Charge (this being a basic narrative history, I am sticking with the common name for it despite the inaccuracy); I attribute this to the confusion involved in organizing it. I’ve heard as low as 12,500 men and as high as 15,000. I’m going with 14,000 men because it’s a nice even number that is approximately midway between the upper and lower limit, so don’t mistake my choice as being accurate or even evidence-based per se. Regardless, the agreed upon number of Union defenders is 6,500. The Confederates would outnumber the Union by about 2-1 or greater at the point of contact. These days, a lot of people show up at the battlefield and stare out from Cemetery Ridge at Spangler Woods where Pettigrew would have emerged from (or stand in Spangler’s Woods and stare out at Cemetery Ridge, same difference) and wonder what the hell was going through Lee’s head. The ground there is now flat and devoid of cover, the exact kind of terrain that time and time again had proven to be a death sentence for infantry assaults. The answer is that the ground changed between 1863 and today. Just before World War One ended in 1918, the field over which Pickett charged was artificially flattened for tank training. Before that, it was the kind of rolling terrain that Buford’s skirmishers had exploited on day one- an observer from a distance would see the troops disappear and reappear as they went over and down each gentle slope. The 14,000 attackers would have some cover as they advanced- not perfect terrain to keep immune from artillery and bullets, but not explicit suicide either. ———————————————————————— EARLY AFTERNOON By 1 PM, Alexander had his guns set up the way he liked them. What followed at his command was the single largest coordinated artillery mission that the Western Hemisphere had ever seen. In the south, cannons at the Peach Orchard suppressed the Union firing point on Little Round Top. All along Seminary Ridge from whence the charge would spring, cannons lined up practically wheel to wheel for a mile, aimed at wrecking Cemetery Ridge. Longstreet was in what you might call a high stress kind of mood. He was having second, third, fourth, and fifth thoughts about attacking, but orders were orders and he was in charge of this damned charge. As the guns began their bombardment, Longstreet did something that frankly goes beyond the pale of any command decision I’ve ever heard of. The film Gettysburg and the novel it’s based on cast Longstreet in a very sympathetic light, as a kind of deliberate pushback against the reductive myth that Longstreet was personally responsible for losing the battle and by extension the war, leaving Lee off the hook to stay firmly in the saintly canon of the Lost Cause. But here, Longstreet indisputably abdicates any pretense of the responsibility of command. He fired an order off to Colonel Alexander, telling him:
If the artillery fire does not have the effect to drive off the enemy, or greatly demoralize him, so as to make our effort pretty certain, I would prefer that you should not advise General Pickett to make the charge. I shall . . . expect you to let General Pickett know when the moment offers.
Allow me to reiterate in case you were reading this on autopilot. Longstreet, the man in charge of the whole offensive, was telling a lowly artillery colonel that the decision when and if to attack was on him and no one else. Alexander was a subject matter expert on artillery and not infantry for a reason. This order hit him from out of left field. He wrote back for clarification, and the professional in him mentioned that since the plan is to use every single artillery shell they can spare, if there is any alternative plan to charging Cemetery Hill at the end of the bombardment then they’d better tell him before he runs out of ammo. And Longstreet reiterated his first order. He told Alexander to advise General Pickett whether or not to attack. And with that on his shoulders, Alexander gave the order to open fire. All told, somewhere between 150 and 170 guns opened up at the same moment. The 75 Union cannons they had on hand briefly engaged in counter-battery fire, before being ordered to go quiet and save ammunition for the infantry assault to come. For about an hour, the Union troops just had to sit still and take what the Rebel had to give them. What Lee was doing was classic Napoleonic tactics. Massing artillery against the weakest point on the enemy line was literally by the book soldiering. The problem, as was noted here before, was that technology had changed. Napoleonic could bring his cannon close to the frontline with the reasonable expectation that they wouldn’t be shot, since smoothbore muskets are basically harmless from 200 yards away. But that was no longer the case. The long stand off distance that the enemy rifles dictated meant that the cannonfire was proportionally less accurate and devastating. The smoke covering the field concealed the truth from the Confederates- their artillery fire was off. Most of the shells flew high overhead and exploded behind Cemetery Ridge. Some shells hit the target area- Union men did die screaming by the score. But the positions on Cemetery Hill were only lightly damaged, and the units manning them were intact and cohesive. Most of the damage done was to the rear echelon types- surgeons, supply wagoneers, staff officers, that kind of thing. Such men were massacred as the shells aimed at men a quarter mile away arced over and found marks elsewhere. Meade, of course, was on hand, showing a brave face and cracking some jokes about a similar moment in the Mexican-American War 15 years back. Throughout the hour, as his line endured the steel hailstorm, Meade’s engineer mind was working. He’d already suspected that Lee was about to hit his center- he’d predicted as much the night before- and now the shot placements confirmed it. He was already ordering troops into position, getting ready to reinforce the line on Cemetery Ridge if needed. He hedged his bets, putting them in a position to relieve Cemetery Hill as well, just in case. Little Round Top became somewhat less defended as men marched out, using the high ground to mask their redeployment. Irresponsible and insubordinate though Longstreet was at that moment, he was right. Lee’s improvised plan had already failed, though it hadn’t happened yet. Pickett’s Charge wasn’t going to slam into a fragmented and demoralized Union line. It was heading into a mile long, mile wide kill zone backed up by a defence in depth. ———————————————————————— Pickett’s Charge Confederates were getting mangled before the charge even started. Union artillery fire reached out and touched out them in Spangler’s Woods, rolling solid iron shot and explosive shells into their huddled ranks. Longstreet rode the line, exposing himself to the artillery fire to set an example of courage. The men didn’t need such an example- or rather, they’ve seen such examples in a dozen battles over the last two years and have already learned valor as a second language- but there’s something to be said for showing the groundpounders that their boss is in the wrong end of the shooting gallery the same way that they are. Just before 2 p.m., Alexander decided if it’s gonna happen, it’d have to be now. He needed at least a small reserve of shells to function after the battle and he’s running out fast. He dashed off a note to Pickett telling him to step off. In keeping with the standard of Confederate comms thus far, Pickett then took Alexander’s note to Longstreet in person for confirmation, because nobody had told him that Longstreet was trying to dodge the responsibility of command. Longstreet was desperate for an out, and in one crazed leap of illogic he thought he found one. Alexander was low on shells, with only a tiny reserve of ammunition left over for self-defense! Longstreet issued orders to halt in place and delay some more, so that they could replenish their ammo chests from their strategic reserves. I really feel for Alexander, man. I've had bosses like that too. Alexander had to break the news to Longstreet that there was no strategic reserve, he already told him, they were shooting every round they got. Longstreet was shocked- apparently nobody on Lee's staff had been paying attention to how fast they'd been burning through their artillery rounds. (Meade's staff paid attention to such banal details- that's why they now had tons of ammunition standing by their guns on Cemetery Ridge, patiently waiting for something valuable to shoot at). Even then, Longstreet couldn’t bring himself to actually say the words to order the attack. He just nodded, mute and numb. At 2 p.m., the attack started. 14,000 men rose up and walked forward, a giant line of infantry one mile across. In lieu of specific instructions about where they were going and how to get there, the order was to aim for a copse of trees on the objective- an easy visual marker that was easy to remember. As long as you kept the trees in sight and kept moving forward, you were right. (Miles and miles away, J.E.B. Stuart’s flanking maneuver was being countered by an equal force of Union cavalry. Their clash had one of the few cavalry-on-cavalry battles of the Civil War; fun fact, this was one of the fights that put Custer’s career on the map, until getting killed off by the Cheyenne at Little Big Horn 13 years later. The battle was intense, but a draw; Stuart couldn’t break through. Even if Pickett’s Charge worked, there’d have been no way to follow up and finish Meade off for good. Lee’s plan was well and truly fucked.) Things immediately stopped being clean and neat, as per the usual. The center of Pickett’s Charge sprang up and walked before the flanks did, but the brigades on the south and the north of them set off late, leading to a kind of droopy effect where the center bulged out unsupported. When the Union soldiers manning Cemetery Ridge saw the Confederate advance begin, they began to chant “Fredericksburg! Fredericksburg! Fredericksburg!” Just a little “fuck you” from one set of veterans to another; at Fredericksburg eight months before, Union General Burnside had ordered several such suicidal attacks on prepared defenses which the Confederates had gleefully blasted into chunky salsa. 70 odd guns opened up on them all. To give a sense of the skill involved, the artilleryman in charge of the Union guns, Colonel Hunt, had written the book on artillery- literally, because his work Instructions for Field Artillery was the go-to manual for the US Army- and at West Point had personally taught most of the Confederate artillery officers across the way everything they knew about the big guns. One must not mistake this as just plopping down the cannons and pointing them in the right direction. Hunt was an artist with his weapon systems, and the pattern of explosions that snaked into the advancing infantry had been painstakingly designed by a master craftsman. At the distance of a mile, it was iron shot and shell that carved bloody little holes into the line. The Confederates took the beating, closed ranks, and pushed on. On the south, the cannons on Little Round Top delivered particularly hideous effects from the flank, driving their line into disorder; some brigades cut in front of other brigades, and what should have been a line became a muddled column. On the north, a brigade under General Brockenbrough bumped into a small detachment of 160 Union men who were jutting out north of the road. The Union men fired a small but devastating volley that raked them from the side and broke their nerves. Brockenbrough’s men ran- the first to break, but not the last. Similar small detachments of skirmishers dotted No Man’s Land between the armies. Between their vicious little ambushes and the massive shock of massed artillery, Pickett’s Charge slowed down. Slowing down just left them in the kill zone for that much longer. When Pickett’s Charge reached the Emmitsburg Road, they were further delayed by the stiff fencing that lined it. As they clambered over it, Union infantry opened fire at long range. The casualties skyrocketed as the Confederate line absorbed the fire. If you want to know what it was like under fire, picture the start of a rainstorm. The water droplets go taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap... that's how the survivors described the musketry that pelted the fence they were trying to climb over. One small contingent of Davis’ brigade (you recall how roughly they were manhandled on July the 1st) accidentally got ahead of everybody else and found itself standing right in front of the Union line all alone. The guys closest to the Union defenses surrendered as one; the rest got shot up bad and ran for their lives. Pickett’s Charge was pure chaos by then- their mile wide front that had surged forth from Spangler’s Wood had shrunk down to about a half mile, partly from taking casualties, partly from brigades running away after the shock of massed fire, and partly from bridges shifting north away from flanking fire from their right side. From the fence line on the Emmitsburg to the stone wall that protected the Union defense was about two hundred yards. This is a long shot for a rifle, especially under pressure- that’s the whole point to volley fire, so that everybody shooting at once will create a sort of probability cloud of danger even at long range. Some Confederates, desperate to hit back after enduring hell, shot anyway. Their fire was ineffective. It is a very, very short shot for an artillery piece, even under pressure. A battery of cannons placed just behind the Union line switched to canister and blasted massive bloody holes in the bunched up Confederates. A lot of Confederates huddled up behind the fencing and stayed put. It is marginally safer than moving two feet forward past the wooden railings, and the spirit had been knocked out of them by the mile long charge and the mile long shooting gallery they’d been subjected to. The left side of the attack had been stopped dead and turned back; the right side pushed on, disregarding any thought but closing distance. 1,500 men blitzed those last 200 yards to the stone wall Scores of them died from rifle fire as the cannons reloaded. The surviving Confederates, running on pure adrenaline, reached the stone wall at a place called the Bloody Angle. The Union line was disjointed, with the Northern section slightly back from the southern section. The Angle was the little joint that connected the two walls; it was also right by the copse of trees that everybody was racing towards. A fierce firefight broke out once the Confederates reached the wall. Most of them stayed behind the wall; like their buddies to the west still behind the fence on the Emmitsburg pike, they’d finally found a few square feet that was sorta kinda safe, and every instinct they had in their brains screamed at them to stay there. The Union troops were outnumbered at the point of impact, and backed off in good order. Reserve regiments were already marching up to plug the gap that didn’t exist yet. Units north and south of the Bloody Angle shifted in place to fire at the beachhead. Behind the Confederates on the Angle, there was a small ocean of blood on the ground and a mile long procession of silent, mangled dead and writhing, screaming wounded... but no follow on reinforcements to help exploit the breakthrough. General Armistead, the only Confederate General there still on his feet, still believed in all that chivalrous Walter Scott romantic nonsense, still thought that raw valor and heart could somehow beat a superior enemy. He stuck his hat on his sword as a makeshift battle flag and rallied his men to leave the safety of the Bloody Angle and close distance. Just as the pitifully few Confederates got on the east side of the wall, the cannons shot canister again and puked metal death all over them. After shooting, the artillerymen ran back to safety before the rebels could stagger up to them. Hundreds of men surged forward by inertia; hundreds out of the 14,000 that they’d started with. They drove off the understrength Union regiments with the bayonet and capture those hated big guns, turning them around to use against the inevitable counterattack. This failed; there was no more ammo left for the guns. Colonel Hunt had measured out the number of rounds needed for the job at hand with the utmost precision. The counterattack was messy and bloody for everybody involved, for the brawl saw everything available used as a weapon- bullets, bayonets, rifle butts, pistols, knives, rocks, boot heels, bare hands. But the Confederates all just dissolved after a short while. Nobody ordered a retreat; nobody was alive and of sufficient rank to order a retreat. Thousands just plopped down where they stood and waited for Union men to come out and collect them. They were too numb and exhausted to walk anymore. Others streamed back to safety in ones and twos. For every Confederate who died, four more were maimed and crippled. For every wounded man, another was taken prisoner. It was an unmitigated disaster for the Confederate cause, and correspondingly it was a triumph of humanity as the stalwart defenders of the slave plantations died in droves. Remember, like I said, we’re rooting for the Union. The battle wasn’t over, not really. Not was the campaign. But it certainly was decided. ———————————————————————— RIGHT SO Interestingly, at first it was kind of ambiguous who won. Meade got fired from the job after Lee got the Army of Northern Virginia home intact. Lincoln was seething that Meade hadn’t shown some aggression and had failed to destroy Lee’s army as he had been ordered. Meade, however, didn’t have much of an army at that point, just a diverse collection of units that had suffered 50% casualties and were in no condition to do anything. Moreover, there had been no way to bring the retreating Lee to battle without taking a lot of risks that might see all the good done at Gettysburg undone. Still though. Meade was out, and Grant, riding high after his conquest of Vicksburg, was in. Lee initially claimed victory in the Richmond papers, and it was hard to gainsay him at first. He had indisputably invaded north and thrashed the living shit out of the Army of the Potomac so bad that they could not invade again in 1863, which was indeed partly the point of the strategy. But soon the facts of life made themselves clear. Lee had holes in his ranks that simply could not be filled anymore. Southerners didn’t want to die in a losing war, and coercing in them into the ranks through State violence only gave him shitty recruits who would desert the second they were put on guard duty. In contrast, tens of thousands of men poured into training depots across the nation, all armed and clothed and fed by the grandest industrial base in the world. Thousands of experienced veterans re-upped their contracts in Gettysberg’s wake to become these new recruits’ NCOs and commanding officers. Lee has gone north to break the will of the Union to continue the fight. Gettysburg had, if anything, demoralized the Confederacy and reinvigorated the Union instead. I do not believe that Gettysburg started this trend, but I do think it sped it up significantly. Patterns that might have taken a year to come to fruition instead took months. Gettysburg, in my opinion, is significant not because of any great gains or losses on the material level, but because of its effects on the minds of voters and soldiers and politicians in the North and the South. To crib C. S. Lewis really quick, what matters was not whether a given action would take a specific hill, or seize a certain road; what matters is whether a given action pushes people to either dig their heels in and seek victory at any personal cost, or whether it pushes them to back down and seek a safer compromise. Gettysburg pushed all of the American people in the directions they were already heading down, that’s all. Any conclusion beyond that is on shaky ground, I feel. Having said that, I shall now irrationally contradict myself; Gettysburg can also act as a Rorschach test with symbols and images and stories in lieu of the ink blots. Like I said, it’s a place of religious significance to me to an extent far beyond appreciation for its historic value. I just don’t think it’s possible for that many people to die in such a short period of time, in so compact an area, and with such blunt contempt for the foreseen probability of violent death, and not leave an indelible and ineffable mark on the land itself. Like, if humanity went extinct and Earth got colonized by Betelgeusians a hundred years after, I am certain that the aliens would somehow feel a chill in their exoskeletons when they walk over the soft leaves and through the bare trees of Herbst Wood, or tromp around the south side of Little Round Top, or poke about on the steep slope of Culp's Hill, or splash across the Plum River in the Valley of Death. I’m not saying I’m right, of course. But I am saying how I feel.
Opp (WAS) Pass DVOA: #29 Opp (WAS) Run DVOA: #17 Injuries to Watch DEF (WAS): None Injuries to Watch OFF (NE): RB Rex Burkhead (out) Key WCB matchups: Josh Gordon vs. Josh Norman, Norman doesn’t follow to slot (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Julian Edelman (21%), James White (20%), Josh Gordon (18%), Phillip Dorsett (15%), Rex Burkhead (12%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Sony Michel (45%, 17, 0) James White (54%, 9, 10) QB/WTE Breakdown The Patriots encountered their first challenge of 2019, but came out on top against the Bills. Tom Brady (upgrade) had one of the worst statistical games of his career, but gets a much better matchup this week against the Redskins barely there pass defense. He can be treated as a top-10 QB1 this week, although his ceiling may be limited if the Redskins are unable to keep the game even mildly competitive. Julian Edelman (upgrade) is on track to play again this week, and owners should put last week’s dud in the rear view mirror. Edelman has a solid target share, and is an excellent WR2 in PPR leagues, with only a mild downgrade in standard leagues. Josh Gordon (downgrade PPR) hasn’t lived up to the billing yet this year, and gets a somewhat challenging shadow matchup against Josh Norman. He is certainly capable of burning Norman for a big play or two, but the Patriots may not need a high passing volume to win this week. He is a boom-bust WR3, especially in PPR leagues because of his lower target share. Phillip Dorsett (upgrade) is in a great spot as a streamer or DFS play, as he will likely avoid Norman, and could easily break free for a long TD against the Redskins poorly graded coverage safeties (PFF). Consider him a WR3/4 with excellent upside this week. Benjamin Watson (stash) returns this week after a 4 game suspension, and there’s a chance he becomes a relevant TE this year in fantasy. It's impossible to project his role at this point, making him a low floor start this week, but is worth stashing for owners desperate at the position. RB Breakdown The Patriots weren’t able to get much going on offense last week, and the run game was no exception. Sony Michel (upgrade standard) only managed 63 scoreless yards, and wasn’t targeted. His lack of involvement in the passing game keeps his floor extremely low, and makes him almost unusable in PPR leagues. However, the likely positive game-flow in this one gives him an excellent chance to punch in a rushing TD and get a solid volume of carries. He’s a low-end RB2 in standard, and a RB3/flex in PPR leagues. James White (downgrade) returned to his usual role last week, rushing only once but catching multiple passes and playing over 50% of the snaps. White will need to make a big play in the pass game or convert a red zone catch into a TD to be useful this week, and his volume will likely take a hit if the Patriots take a huge first half lead. He’s a decent flex in PPR leagues, but is a risky start in standard leagues. Rex Burkhead is out this week.
Redskins
Opp (NE) Pass DVOA: #1 Opp (NE) Run DVOA: #2 Injuries to Watch DEF (NE): S Patrick Chung (Q), LB Dont’a Hightower (Q) Injuries to Watch OFF (WAS): WR Terry McLaurin (Q) Key WCB matchups: Terry McLaurin vs. Stephon Gilmore (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Terry McLaurin (19%), Chris Thompson (18%), Paul Richardson (16%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Adrian Peterson (39%, 11, 0) Chris Thompson (53%, 8, 5) QB/WTE Breakdown The Redskins continue to look directionless, both on the field and as a franchise. It will likely get even worse this week against arguably the best defense in the league this year. Colt McCoy (just don’t) has been volunteered as tribute this week, and will get the start over Dwane Haskins (investment protection) and Case Keenum (injury). McCoy has over performed expectations before, but it would be a miracle if he’s able to make it out of this game with fewer than 3 turnovers. Terry McLaurin (downgrade) is questionable to play this week, and even if he does suit up, he gets rewarded with a matchup against Happy Gilmore’s Island. He can’t be trusted in lineups as more than a WR4, despite his status as the clear #1 in the offense. His best hope would be to pile up yardage in garbage time, but considering he may not even play, there’s really no reason for WAS to risk their young star’s health in a blowout. All options in this passing game should be avoided, unless McLaurin is cleared of injury and an owner is in a desperate spot. RB Breakdown Washington’s offensive line is in a fierce competition for worst in the league, and the absence of All-Pro Trent Williams continues to be a huge problem. Adrian Peterson (downgrade) hasn’t been able to put together a good rushing performance this year, and is almost guaranteed to get phased out this week due to game-flow. Avoid him at all costs, especially in any PPR format. Chris Thompson (upgrade PPR) will be needed more than ever this week, especially if McLaurin is ruled out. He is the only player on the Redskins that has a reasonable case to be started, and should probably be reserved for PPR leagues. He’s the best bet to lead the Redskins in receiving this week and makes for a decent flex. Score Prediction: Patriots 27, Redskins 14
Opp (PIT) Pass DVOA: #19 Opp (PIT) Run DVOA: #20 Injuries to Watch DEF (PIT): None Injuries to Watch OFF (BAL): None Key WCB matchups: None. Steelers secondary improved with Minkah Fitzpatrick addition (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Marquise Brown (24%), Mark Andrews (23%), Willie Snead (8%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Mark Ingram (46%, 13, 1) QB/WTE Breakdown Even with Cleveland’s top-2 CBs out last week, Lamar Jackson was unable to jumpstart a suddenly struggling Ravens passing game. Jackson’s rushing upside keeps his weekly floor and ceiling extremely high, so he remains a weekly elite QB1. Marquise Brown (downgrade PPR) has racked up insanely high air yardage totals this season, but has been equally inefficient with potential yards. Some of this is due to Jackson’s inaccuracy the past two weeks, but some can also be chalked up to rookie inconsistencies and the fact that Brown’s usage has yet to expand beyond lower percentage throws. Brown can blow up on any given week, and has a potentially exploitable matchup against Joe Haden, but the Steelers defense has been much improved against the pass since adding Minkah Fitzpatrick. Consider Brown an upside WR2/3 this week, with a downgrade in PPR leagues in this run first offense. Mark Andrews (upgrade) has been taken off the injury report, and is due for a big game. The Steelers have been middle of the pack against TEs, but Andrews involvement in the red zone and overall volume make him a top 6 TE again this week. No other Baltimore pass catchers have the volume to be trusted in lineups. RB Breakdown The Ravens haven’t given Mark Ingram (upgrade) workhorse level volume this year, but he has made the most of his touches. The Steelers aren’t elite against the run, and will get plenty of opportunities to rack up the points in likely positive game flow. Somewhat surprisingly, Ingram has been elite in both of his road games, and has put up duds at home both weeks. It’s a small sample size, but perhaps the trend is partly due to the Ravens added commitment to the run when in hostile territory. On the road again this week, and with the Ravens Vegas line favorites, consider him a low-end RB1 with a high floor due to his all around usage (red zone and pass game). Gus Edwards appears to be the primary handcuff to Ingram because of his early down usage, but if Ingram were to get injured, Justice Hill would likely get a bigger role as well. Neither is useful outside of extremely deep leagues at this point.
Steelers
Opp (BAL) Pass DVOA: #25 Opp (BAL) Run DVOA: #28 Injuries to Watch DEF (BAL): CB Jimmy Smith (out), DT Brandon Williams (Q) Injuries to Watch OFF (PIT): WR Juju Smith Schuster (Q), TE Vance McDonald (Q) Key WCB matchups: None (Rotoworld), Ravens secondary banged up Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Juju Smith-Schuster (19%), Dionte Johnson (15%), James Conner (14%), Vance McDonald (12%), Jaylen Samuels (10%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: James Conner (68%, 18, 8) Jaylen Samuels (26%, 18, 8) QB/WTE Breakdown The post Big Ben era has gotten off to a rocky start, and the Steelers have yet to take the training wheels off of Mason Rudolph (downgrade). His incredibly low average depth of target is holding back every WR and TE option in this offense for the time being, including last year’s breakout star Juju Smith-Schuster. The lack of downfield passing has hurt him the past few weeks, and with the Steelers running all kinds of gimmicky formations to limit Rudolph’s exposure, it’s hard to project a significant increase in volume coming soon. However, this week’s matchup against a banged up Baltimore secondary and explosive offense may be just the script that Juju needs to produce. Consider him a low-end WR2 this week, albeit with upside if the Steelers get down big and are forced to throw. Dionte Johnson has scored a TD in back to back weeks, but both have been on somewhat fluky plays. His low target share in an offense that is taking very few shots downfield keeps him in the dart throw WR4 area. Vance McDonald is questionable to play after missing last week, and his backup Nick Vannett is not a fantasy option. If McDonald does play, he would be on the TE1/2 borderline but should get a decent target share of short to intermediate throws. Ideally, all options in this passing game should be avoided, but Juju will likely need to be in lineups considering where owners drafted him. With his talent, it only takes one play for him to payoff. RB Breakdown The Steelers game plan last week to beat the hapless Bengals was to basically have their QB do as little as possible. They lined up James Conner (upgrade) and Jaylen Samuels (stash) in the backfield together at times, and even had Samuels throw a few short pop passes to Conner on motion plays. Conner’s carry volume in the positive game script was not as high as owners would like, but his involvement in the passing game should translate to this week’s likely negative game-flow matchup against the Ravens. If the Ravens are without nose tackle Brandon Wililams this week, it would be a further upgrade to his matchup. Conner has been removed from the injury report after a full practice on Thursday, so all systems are go for him to be fired up as a solid RB2, especially in PPR leagues. Samuels is a tough start with Conner fully healthy, but he could still get 10-15 touches. Consider him a low-end flex, worth starting in deep PPR leagues potentially, but keep him stashed in all leagues. Score Prediction: Ravens 28, Steelers 17
Opp (OAK) Pass DVOA: #27 Opp (OAK) Run DVOA: #9 Injuries to Watch DEF (OAK): DE Clelin Ferrel (Q), Vontaze Burfict (out for year) Injuries to Watch OFF (CHI): WR Taylor Gabriel (out) Key WCB matchups: None (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Allen Robinson (25%), Tarik Cohen (18%), Trey Burton (12%), David Montgomery (9%). RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: David Montgomery (69%, 24, 5 Tarik Cohen (39%, 7, 5) QB/WTE Breakdown The question hanging over the Bears right now is whether Mitchell Trubisky’s (out, shoulder) injury actually makes this offense better in the short term. Chase Daniel has been confirmed as the Week 5 starter after playing most of last week’s game in relief of an injured Trubisky, and was able to acquit himself decently well. He is not a fantasy option outside of deep 2 QB leagues because of this offense’s overall lack of production, but he should keep the main weapons viable and possibly even be a slight upgrade. Allen Robinson (upgrade PPR) got 23% of Daniel’s Week 4 targets, and should be given a slight upgrade considering the poor play and lack of depth in the Oakland secondary. Consider him on the WR2/3 borderline. Taylor Gabriel is out again this week due to his Week 3 concussion, so Anthony Miller may get a few more targets than usual. Considering he only saw 2 targets from Daniel last week, it’s tough to put him anywhere higher than a WR4/5 dart throw, especially in this low volume offense. Trey Burton (upgrade PPR) did get 4 targets from Daniels, and appears back to full health. The Raiders have given up the 5th most FPPG to opposing TEs, so this could be a week he racks up 5+ catches for 50+ yards. He’s more of a high-end TE2 due to the uncertainty of targets, but makes for a somewhat appealing streamer for those looking for a decently high floor that are ok with a low ceiling. RB Breakdown The shift to a full workload for David Montgomery (upgrade) continued last week, as he received 21 carries and caught 3 passes. His efficiency has been continually poor this year, but it’s not clear if that is due to his vision and burst, or more to poor offensive line play. Although the Raiders have been stout against the run, the absence of Vontaze Burfict (longest suspension for on-field actions in NFL history) is a slight downgrade to their rush defense. The Bears’ defense should put Montgomery in position to work with a short field and neutral or positive game-script for much of the day, so he could be coming for somewhat of a breakout week. Consider him a RB2 with a solid floor (due to receiving work), that could hit the endzone at least once if the Bears get a lead. Tarik Cohen (downgrade) surprisingly was faded out of the game plan almost entirely last week, getting only one carry turning his 5 targets into three catches for 7 yards. He was able to get into the endzone on one of his catches, but aside from that was very quiet. Cohen is a roll of the dice flex in PPR leagues, but this doesn’t project as a week the Bears will be working from behind so he’s generally less appealing, especially in non-PPR leagues.
Raiders
Opp (CHI) Pass DVOA: #6 Opp (CHI) Run DVOA: #3 Injuries to Watch DEF (CHI): DT Akiem Hicks (Q) Injuries to Watch OFF (OAK): WR Tyrell Williams (Q), OL Richie Incognito (Q), WR J.J. Nelson (Q) Key WCB matchups: None, Bears lock down opposing WRs (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Darren Waller (29%), Tyrell Williams (19%), J.J. Nelson (15%), Josh Jacobs (4%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Josh Jacobs (54%, 19, 2)
QB/WTE Breakdown
Similar to last year, the Raiders got off to a great start by winning Week 1 and have since faded massively. Derek Carr (downgrade) has been his normal dink and dunk self, and isn’t taking enough shots downfield to bring any kind of fantasy relevance. This week’s matchup against the Bears dominating defense makes him unusable even in 2 QB leagues. Tyrell Williams (downgrade) is questionable to play, and even if he suits up makes for more of a WR4 considering the potency of the Bears secondary. Darren Waller (upgrade PPR) is likely the only member of the Raiders offense that owners can start somewhat confidently, as he has caught 6+ passes in every game this year. The Bears are only middle of the road against opposing TEs, and given the pressure Carr will face all game long, Waller will see at least 6-8 targets. He is a must start mid-level TE1 because of his high floor in PPR formats, but can be benched in standard formats if owners have an alternative TE1 option with a better matchup.
RB Breakdown
Despite Jon Gruden’s continued insistence that the Raiders want to involve Josh Jacobs (downgrade) more in the passing game, it has yet to really materialize. He hasn’t gone over 2 targets in a game yet this year, and his snap %’s have hovered around 50% the past three weeks. The Chicago front seven has been truly elite against the run, and considering the Raiders have one of the lower implied point totals on the week, he is a poor bet for a TD. His lack of pass game involvement also lowers his floor, which means he has to be viewed as more RB3 than RB2 in this incredibly tough matchup. Owners may have no choice but to start him, but do so knowing full well that the outlook is not very promising. Jalen Richard and Deandre Washington are far off the fantasy radar, and neither makes for a great handcuff. Score Prediction: Bears 21, Raiders 13
Opp (LAC) Pass DVOA: #30 Opp (LAC) Run DVOA: #21 Injuries to Watch DEF (LAC): DE Melvin Ingram, S Nasir Adderley, LB Thomas Davis Injuries to Watch OFF (DEN): T Ja’Wuan James Key WCB matchups: Cpurtland Sutton vs. Casey Hayward (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Emmanuel Sanders (23%), Courtland Sutton (21%), Phillip Lindsay (13%), Royce Freeman (13%), DaeSean Hamilton (13%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Royce Freeman (58%, 10, 6), Phillip Lindsay (42%, 10, 1) QB/WTE Breakdown Sitting at 0-4, the Broncos are essentially out of playoff contention - the 1992 Chargers are the only team to make the postseason after starting winless through four weeks since the NFL expanded the playoffs in 1990 (NFL.com). Joe Flacco put up a respectable 303 yards passing and tossed 3 scores, but avoid him in fantasy. This lead to Emmanuel Sanders (upgrade PPR) and Courtland Sutton (downgrade) both having great days in the losing effort. Really, this Broncos team isn’t as bad as their record would indicate, they’ve given up two game winning field goals at home in the final seconds, truly heartbreaking, but such is life in the weekly grind of the NFL. Look for both Sanders and Sutton to remain WR2’s moving forward, but the matchup for Sutton this week is one that should be avoided if possible. He’s going up against Chargers stud CB Casey Hayward, a matchup that Hayward has dominated in the past (Rotoworld). The Chargers PASS DVOA numbers don’t reflect the secondary we expected, but seeing as they’ve been hit with the injury apocalypse to start the season, it makes sense. Outside of the safety position (the Chargers have lost multiple safeties for the season), the Bolts look to be getting healthy in the secondary, and this looks like a spot to avoid the Denver passing game if possible. Noah Fant caught his first touchdown last week and the Chargers give up 9.4 FPPG to tight ends; so he’s on the streaming radar as a TE2. RB Breakdown Phillip Lindsay (upgrade) and Royce Freeman (upgrade) continue to split work evenly, but not in the way some would expect. Rather than each having a clear role in a facet of the game (running/passing), they are operating as the clear lead back while in the game and rotating in shifts. This has lead to unpredictable production from both and it’s impossible to predict which one will be on the field when Denver puts together a drive. Both should be considered low-end RB2’s this week - the Bolts are giving up 17.1 FPPG to running backs and have not been strong against the run this year.
Chargers
Opp (DEN) Pass DVOA: #28 Opp (DEN) Run DVOA: #26 Injuries to Watch DEF (DEN): DB Kareem Jackson (expected to play), ILB Josey Jewell Injuries to Watch OFF (LAC): WR Dontrell Inman (IR), WR Travis Benjamin, WR Mike Williams (expected to play) Key WCB matchups: Keenan Allen vs. Chris Harris Jr. (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Keenan Allen (32%), Austin Ekeler (17%), Mike Williams (13%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Austin Ekeler (63%, 23, 5), Troymaine Pope (37%, 12, 2) QB/WTE Breakdown It’s impossible to read into last weeks dismantling of the Dolphins by the Chargers, heck, even Tyrod Taylor got into the game. Philip Rivers is the definition of consistency, throwing between 293 yards and 333 in every game this year. He’s a back-end QB1 and his appeal is in the high floor, not the low ceiling. The Bolts receiving corps has also been hit by the injury Armageddon; Dontrell Inman was placed on the IR with a quad injury suffered last week, and both Mike Williams and Travis Benjamin are dealing with respective ailments. Keenan Allen should continue to soak up massive amounts of targets, but his date with CB Chris Harris Jr. is not desirable. The volume should at least guarantee a high floor and Allen remains a WR1. Mike Williams looks to be ready to return this week, and could see a large piece of the target share pie if fully healthy - he’s a WR3 with upside, we just don’t know what his role in the passing game will be or if he’ll be limited. The absence of any red zone threat tight end makes Williams even more appealing - the Bolts are also dealing with a myriad of injuries at tight end. Lance Kendricks was the only healthy tight end on the roster at the end of Sunday’s game against the Fin’s (latimes.com), and he wasn’t a Charger two weeks ago. RB Breakdown Melvin Gordon is back. Or is he? Turns out he wasn’t needed after all Sunday and he didn’t even see one snap. Sounds like he’s going to be eased back into gameshape, but can we really believe coach speak at this point… Austin Ekeler (upgrade) will still be extremely involved, if not as a running back, but as a wideout. Consider both RB2s, but give the edge to Ekeler - we know for sure that he’ll see consistent volume. Score Prediction: Broncos 21, Chargers 20
Opp (DAL) Pass DVOA: #14 Opp (DAL) Run DVOA: #14 Injuries to Watch DEF (DAL): DT Antwaun Woods (questionable), DT Tyrone Crawford (questionable) Injuries to Watch OFF (GB): WR Devante Adams (out), RB Jamaal Williams (out) Key WCB matchups: None Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Davante Adams (25%), Marquez Valdes-Scantling (19%), Aaron Jones (10%), Jimmy Graham (11%) Geronimo Allison (9%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Aaron Jones (99%, 19, 7), Jamaal Williams - left game INJ (1%, 1, 1) QB/WTE Breakdown Devante Adams (out-toe) was given the doubtful tag for the matchup against Dallas early in the week after leaving TNF, throwing doubt on his availability in the short term moving forward. His absence leaves 25% of Aaron Rodgers targets up for grabs and the likely bet is that Geronimo Allison (upgrade) and Jimmy Graham (upgrade) will assume larger roles this week. Marquez Valdez-Scantling also receives a small upgrade and is the preferred play of the wideouts, but he is already assuming 19% of the target share. Dallas’ defense, although ranking right in the middle in terms of DVOA, is only giving up 12.6 FPPG to quarterbacks and 17.4 FPPG to wideouts so far, top-5 in the NFL. The real issue for Rodgers and his pass catchers is the amount of opportunity they’ll see - Dallas ranks 20th in pace of play (footballoutsiders) and will look to limit Packer possessions by establishing the run. Rodgers is a back-end QB1, but keep expectations tempered considering the tough road matchup without his number one target. MVS can be treated as a solid WR2 this week, while Allison is a feast-or-famine WR3. Jimmy draws the best matchup on paper and appears to be fully healthy after seeing 71% of snaps in Week 4 with 9 targets. After Adams left with his injury, Graham was targeted three times in a row (NFL.com) showing that he may become the primary target sans the star receiver. His floor is still scary low, but he’s a low-end TE1 in a good matchup this week. RB Breakdown Jamaal Williams (out) remains out after taking a huge hit against the Eagles last week. Aaron Jones (upgrade PPR) assumed an every down role after Williams left, but only managed 21 yards on 13 carries against the Eagles menacing front 7, salvaging his fantasy line by finding pay dirt. The matchup against the Cowboys doesn’t get any easier as they are only giving up 14.8 FPPG to running backs. The encouraging takeaway from the week before was that Jones was heavily involved in the passing game, receiving 7 targets. If the every down role continues in Williams’ absence along with the passing game usage, Jones will establish a higher weekly floor for owners and become game-script proof. Treat him as a high-end RB2 this week.
Cowboys
Opp (GB) Pass DVOA: #5 Opp (GB) Run DVOA: #27 Injuries to Watch DEF (GB): CB Kevin King (doubtful), LB Oren Burks (questionable), LB Kyler Fackrell (doubtful), DL Montravius Adams (questionable) Injuries to Watch OFF (DAL): OT Tyron Smith (out), OT La’el Collins (questionable), WR Michael Gallup (expected to play) Key WCB matchups: Amari Cooper vs. Jaire Alexander (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Michael Gallup (24%), Amari Cooper (23%), Randall Cobb (17%), Jason Witten (13%), Ezekiel Elliot (11%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Ezekiel Elliot (96%, 24, 7), Tony Pollard (4%, 0, 0) QB/WTE Breakdown Dak Prescott has become a top-3 fantasy quarterback seemingly overnight playing for a new contract. The Packers tough secondary may be his toughest test yet, but he gets emerging receiver Michael Gallup back, and Green Bay may be without CB Kevin King (upgraded to questionable today) who graded out as their best corner in Week 4 (PFF). Prescott is a QB1 per usual, but the Cowboys may look to run the ball against a weak run defense (27.6 FPPG to running backs), just like the Eagles did the week before - limiting Prescott’s upside. Interestingly, in Week 4, emerging Green Bay stud CB Jaire Alexander did not shadow Alshon Jeffery as expected, and it remains to be seen if that was due to Alshon being a slower, big body receiver (Rotoworld), or if the Packers are choosing not to deploy him in shadow coverage. Amari Cooper (downgrade) is expected to draw Alexander in coverage, but even if he doesn’t, Kevin King slowed down Alshon to a 3-38-1 line. The matchup and gameplan should work against the Cowboys passing game this week, plus their starting LT is expected to be out. Michael Gallup is a feast-or-famine WR4 in a bad matchup, owners should wait and see that he’s healthy before deploying him. Devin Smith will be relegated to a role player with the return of Gallup and isn’t an option. Jason Witten continues to turn back the clock, receiving 4 targets every week as Dallas continues to feed him the rock. He’s emerging as a low-end TE1, albeit one without much upside. RB Breakdown Ezekiel Elliot is top running back option and this week is no different. The blueprint that the Eagles established to beat the Packers last week will likely be replicated by the Cowboys, setting Zeke up to eat. Tony Pollard is no more than a handcuff. Score Prediction: Packers 20, Cowboys 17
Opp (KC) Pass DVOA: #9 Opp (KC) Run DVOA: #31 Injuries to Watch DEF (KC): LB Dorian O’Daniel (out) Injuries to Watch OFF (IND): WR Parris Campbell (out), T.Y. Hilton (questionable), Marlon Mack (expected to play) Key WCB matchups: None Relevant Target Share %’s (season): T.Y. Hilton (27%), Devin Funchess (19%), Eric Ebron (12%), Jack Doyle (12%), Nyheim Hines (12%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Marlon Mack (35%, 11, 0), Nyheim Hines (44%, 9, 6), Jordan Wilkins (21%, 4, 1) QB/WTE Breakdown It’s safe to wonder after a home loss to the Raiders if the Colts are a different team without T.Y. Hilton. Regardless, the passing attack is going to need to perform this week likely without Hilton; the Chiefs will score their usual 35 points. Jacoby Brissett while solid so far, wasn’t expected to be an option for 1QB leagues. Surprisingly, through four games he’s got the 9th most points for the position,- and will continue to score points this week as he will need to throw 40+ times to keep up with the potent KC offense - he’s a back-end QB1. T.Y. Hilton is looking extremely iffy to play, and coach Frank Reich has even admitted that the Colts Week 6 bye is factoring into their decision on whether or not to play the star wideout; it looks like Hilton will most likely sit. This game carries easily the highest projected point total of the week and someone will need to catch the ball for Indy. Zach Pascal is coming off of back to back weeks with either 70 yards or a touchdown, his status as a WR3 is completely dependent on Hilton’s health. Deon Cain and Chester Rodgers have also seen similar snap counts and target share in the absence of Hilton, and it’s really anyone’s guess who will produce. Pascal seems like the best bet considering the past few games. Eric Ebron and Jack Doyle also saw a similar amount of targets last week as the wideouts and really, the whole situation should be avoided outside of Brissett if possible. RB Breakdown Marlon Mack was unable to return in the second half against the Raiders with an ankle injury, but is expected to play this week. The Chiefs have been weak against the run, but it may not matter - most weeks Mahomes is able to build a lead so the opposing team has to abandon the run altogether. Consider Mack a game-script dependent RB2 in a good matchup. It’s looking like this could be a Nyheim Hines upgrade PPR) week if there ever was one. He will be on the field when the Colts face negative game-flow and could see an uptick in targets this week. Consider him a back-end flex option that receives an upgrade in full PPR formats.
Chiefs
Opp (IND) Pass DVOA: #9 Opp (IND) Run DVOA: #32 Injuries to Watch DEF (IND): S Malik Hooker (out), LB Darius Leonard (out), DE Tyquan Lewis (out), S Rolan Milligan (questionable), LB Anthony Walker (questionable), CB Rock Ya-Sin (questionable) Injuries to Watch OFF (KC): WR Tyreek Hill (out), WR Sammy Watkins (questionable), T Eric Fisher (out) Key WCB matchups: None Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Sammy Watkins (24%), Travis Kelce (21%), Damien Williams (14%), Demarcus Robinson (13%), Mecole Hardman (11%), Darrell Williams (11%), LeSean McCoy (7%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: LeSean McCoy (45%, 13, 4) Darrell Williams (50%, 11, 4) Darwin Thompson (5%, 0, 0) QB/WTE Breakdown The Lions finally gave the Chiefs a game in Week 4, but Patrick Mahomes did P-Mahomey things to win, getting it done with his legs this time. Mahomes is the QB1 regardless of matchup, however, going against a weak run defense and a stingy secondary (although banged up) it would seem like the Chiefs may opt to run the ball a bit more..or not. Mahomes can never be counted out and it doesn’t seem like matchups matter to Andy Ried - Kansas City seems to move the ball however they want to. Tyreek Hill (out) is set to miss another game, but surprisingly (is it?) Sammy Watkins has popped up on the injury report as questionable. Monitor his status, but if he is unable to go then Mecole Hardman and Demarcus Robinson would both receive a bump in usage. Hardman demonstrated his extremely low floor last week, actually receiving negative fantasy points due to a lost fumble. Both are big play dependent WR3/4’s. Travis Kelce continues his assault on the league, clearing 80 yards in every game so far. He only has one touchdown on the year and that will probably change in a hurry. He’s a good bet for some positive touchdown regression this week, fire him up as the overall TE1. RB Breakdown Damien Williams is set to return after missing the last couple with a knee injury. He’s expected to mix in with LeSean McCoy, bumping Darrell Williams back to the bench and fading Darwin Thompson back into obscurity. It’s anyone's guess who receives the lion's share of touches, but based on Week 1, it seems like McCoy will be deployed as purely a runner while Williams will be the pass-catching back. Both offer immense upside against a defense ranked dead last against the run and hemorrhaging 20.5 FPPG to running backs. Williams and LeSean should both be considered solid RB2s. Score Prediction: Chiefs 34, Colts 24
Opp (SF) Pass DVOA: #2 Opp (SF) Run DVOA: #6 Injuries to Watch DEF (SF): DE Dee Ford (DNP) Injuries to Watch OFF (CLE): WR Jarvis Landry (likely to play), TE David Njoku (out) Key WCB matchups: None, Richard Sherman hasn’t shadowed WRs with SF (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): Odell Beckham Jr. (26%), Jarvis Landry (24%), Nick Chubb (14%), David Njoku (10%), Ricky Seals-Jones (7%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 4: Nick Chubb (64%, 23, 4) Dontrell Hilliard (36%, 8, 3) QB/WTE Breakdown Week 4 was a welcome sight for Browns’ fans and fantasy owners alike, as the offense came alive in a beatdown of a solid Ravens team on the road. The formula for success was to give Nick Chubb a huge workload, while getting the ball out of Baker Mayfield’s (downgrade) hands on quick routes. Mayfield hasn’t had the time in the pocket to throw for almost any long downfield completions, but his 17 fantasy points last week represented a season high. As long as the O-Line remains a problem his ceiling will be capped in what should be a run and short pass oriented offense going forward. This week’s matchup against a stout Niners passing defense will be a real test not only for the Browns but also to find out if the SF secondary is for real. Mayfield is just outside the QB1 ranks this week, and can be benched for alternative options, but his weapons keep him in the mix for 15+ points again this week. Odell Beckham Jr. (upgrade) only caught two passes for 20 yards last week, while watching his teammate Jarvis Landry (downgrade standard) go off for a season high 167 yards. Beckham is unlikely to face shadow coverage, and should have a solid matchup against Emmanuel Mosley (2018 UDFA). Look for Mayfield to get Beckham rolling this week early and often, and he can be treated as a borderline WR1 based on talent alone. Landry needs volume to reach his ceiling, but does have a great floor in PPR, especially with the need for short passes behind this shoddy line. His projected matchup with SF’s stud slot CB K’waun Williams is a slight concern, so he’s only a WR3 in PPR with a slight downgrade in standard. He has cleared the concussion protocol and practiced in full on Friday, so if you need him, he’ll be good to go on Monday night. RB Breakdown Head Coach Freddie Kitchens said after Week 2 that he “would love to get (Chubb) more touches”, and has managed to make it happen the past two weeks. Nick Chubb (upgrade) ran hard last week into a weak Ravens front seven, and ended with a monster line. The Niners have a better rush DVOA than Baltimore, but Chubb’s volume keeps him in the RB1 slot with ease at this point. We aren’t sure exactly who Kitchens had to ask to get Chubb more touches (Chubb’s parents maybe?), but we can only hope that the permission slip isn’t rescinded any time soon. Backup Dontrell Hilliard is a weak handcuff with Kareem Hunt due back in a few weeks, so if you must roster one of them make it Hunt.
49ers
Opp (CLE) Pass DVOA: #7 Opp (CLE) Run DVOA: #19 Injuries to Watch DEF (CLE): CB Greedy Williams (Q, unlikely to play), CB Denzel Ward (out), S Morgan Burnett (Q, likely to play) Injuries to Watch OFF (SF): RB Tevin Coleman (questionable) Key WCB matchups: None (Rotoworld) Relevant Target Share %’s (season): George Kittle (25%), Deebo Samuel (16%), Marquise Goodwin (9%), Tevin Coleman (11%), Matt Breida (6%) RB Snap %/Touches/Targets Week 3: Matt Breida (41%, 16, 3) Raheem Mostert (30%, 12, 1) QB/WTE Breakdown Kyle Shanahan is riding high at 3-0 coming off of an early bye week. His offense hasn’t been flawless through three games, but has done enough to keep a few weapons valuable. In the passing game, Jimmy Garappolo (downgrade) continues to struggle with turnovers (3 in Week 3) but makes plays when his weapons are schemed into space properly. His ceiling is extremely low in this run heavy offense, so he isn’t an option except in deep 2 QB leagues. Deebo Samuel has been Jimmy G’s preferred target so far this season, and Samuel’s 16% target share makes him a risky week to week proposition. He’ll take aim at an injured Browns secondary this week, but after watching the backups hold the Rams and Ravens receivers to mostly poor lines the last two weeks, it’s hard to get overly excited about Samuel’s potential. There just isn’t enough volume to sustain multiple fantasy relevant WRs most weeks, and much like the run game, Shanahan tends not to have one WR get a high majority of the work. He’s a WR4 with upside based on his speed. George Kittle is an obvious TE1, and is due for some positive TD regression after barely missing and/or having a few wiped out due to penalty. Expect him to hit soon, and don’t even think about benching him. Dante Pettis has been mostly phased out, so unless you think he’s just on timeout for missing bedtime and will return to a full snap count soon, he’s not a start in any depth of league. RB Breakdown One of the more frustrating backfields to predict this season, the Niners have managed to force fantasy owners to pick up potentially four different running backs this season. That’s kind of rude honestly. Tevin Coleman is tentatively expected to return from injury this week, and will likely get a few early down carries and a sprinkle of targets, but should be stashed not started this week. The Browns are vulnerable to the run, but unless you recently found a new car with no license plates and the keys in the ignition, starting Coleman this week seems unwise. Matt Breida is probably the safest option considering his swiss army like usage and his 41% snap count in a tight Week 3 game keep him in the flex range. Raheem Mostert (stash) is likely relegated to 5-8 touch COP work, and Jeff Wilson should only be owned in leagues that don’t count yardage. Ideally this backfield is one to avoid entirely, but owners in desperate need can roll with Breida and expect something in the range of 7-12 points. Score Prediction: Browns 21, Niners 17
I'm sitting in the airport bored right now, so I started watching some old NBA highlights and a wave of nostalgia hit me. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I liked basketball back then. The league was just more fun the the Heatles were together. Plain and simple. I didn’t start seriously following the sport until around 10 years ago, so there’s a lot I didn’t experience. But I miss the days when LeBron was in Miami. The league was just better. I reminisce fondly, and I'm sure a lot of you guys do too. Now, for a trip down memory lane. What I miss the most about the Heatles era was the unique storyline that every season seemed to have. It felt like each team was competing against each other rather than everyone competing against the Warriors or Cavs. It wasn't one big arms race to take down the top- it was a fight to get to the top. Each season had something different in store. Sometimes it really is about the journey I guess. Yet I digress. Some crazy shit happened in this time period that we may never see again. To kick it off, we had The Decision. One of the worst PR moves in the history of professional sports besides Donald Sterling ramming his head up his ass repeatedly. The jersey burnings, the Gilbert letter, dearing down the poster. It was a sight to see. Sorry KD, but LeBron did it better. The Heat instantly became the most hated team in the NBA. I hated them. I bet you did too. And that’s great. Because they embraced that villain role. It was fun to hate the Heat. That’s just what you did. In my opinion, it made the league that much more exciting. Warriors hate is alright, but none of them other than Draymond can really play that villain role. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Instead, we get an overly dominant dynasty led by baby-faced assassain Steph Curry. I'm sorry, but the guy is just not meant to be a villain. Always the underdog, he's vividly remembered for Davidson's Cinderella run back in '08 or whenever. He's too nice for me to hate in the same way I hated LeBron in Miami. As for KD, this is where vitriol for him fades into a grey area. It's popular to hate him after leaving OKC. Speaking as a Suns fan, I don't hate him like thunder fans do. It's not an enemy kind of hate. It's more of a feeling of disappointment and disgust. He tipped the scales too far in the league. Simply put, I'm just sad about his choice. Draymond is a popular candidate to hate. His loud-mouthed, energetic, and naturally moving style of play is polarizing. However, it's just not the same. Draymond is a great player, a Swiss Army knife on the court. At the end of the day though, he doesn't lead the team to victory. That's Steph and KD. With that in mind, I just can't hate Draymond in the same way that one would hate Steph, LeBron, Kobe, etc. He's not enough of an independent star to be the face of a team and carry them to victory. October 2011. The Heat arrived, ready to win. However, Derrick Rose stole the show in 2011, winning the MVP and leading the Bulls to the one seed. Meanwhile out west, it was more of the same with San Antonio and the Lakers winning the top two seeds. The regular season was all Heat in terms of scrutiny and coverage. You might also remember this season for the trades. The Jazz dealt Deron Williams to the Nets shortly after he ran Jerry Sloan out of town. Also, the Knicks gutted their team landed Carmelo Anthony in a blockbuster deal which saw the Nuggets become Knicks lite for a few years. The playoffs got a little spicy. Memphis knocked off a banged-up San Antonio in six to start the postseason off. Questions abounded about the Spurs demise. Hilarious in hindsight, I know. This blew the west wide open. The Thunder made quick work of Memphis and clinched their spot in the WCF. The Mavericks, fresh off a scare against Portland, sweeps defending champion Los Angeles and starts them down a tailspin. Dirk ascends into one of the all time greats with clutch performance after clutch performance, beating a young and promising OKC in 5. Meanwhile, LeBron and co. run through the east, including that same Bulls team who beat them out for the top seed. Miami looked unstoppable. The were heavily favored against the Mavs and rightfully so. On paper, the Heat were overwhelmingly talented. However, Dallas did not back down. After falling down 2-1, they stormed back behind Dirk’s otherworldly scoring and upset Miami. LeBron was crucified after this loss for being a choker. He did shrink on the biggest stage, probably the most profound black eye on his legacy. The Mavericks got sweet, sweet revenge for 2006 and Dirk his ring. This was one of the best title runs of all time and a great series to watch as a fan and an outsider. Unfortunately, the joy was simply a distraction for the upcoming labor dispute. There was a real possibility that there wasn’t going to be a next season. Wouldn’t that have sucked? Anyways, the league barely got the deal done in time. They had to cancel six weeks, pushing the start back to Christmas Day. You might remember the offseason for the Chris Paul saga. The league denied a trade sending Chris Paul to the Lakers citing “basketball reasons.” Instead, he got dealt to the Clippers. As a Suns fan, this was hilarious. Well, until next year. But anyways, this was crazy at the time and still is. The shortened regular season began with all eyes on the Heat once again. This year, LeBron won MVP again and led the Heat to the second seed behind the Bulls. The Celtics and Pacers both quietly put up great seasons in the shadows of Miami and Chicago. And who could forget Linsanity? Jeremy Lin exploded, stealing the spotlight from Carmelo which was a big no-no. He salvaged their season in Melo’s absence, but the magic eventually wore off. Mike D’Antoni resigned mid-season after feuding with Melo. Across the Mississippi, the new-look Clippers are fun to watch but still a flawed team. San Antonio continued to dominate with OKC not far behind. Sadly, Brandon Roy had to bring his career to a close. We missed out on a good one. The Mavericks, fresh off of their magical title run, let Tyson Chandler walk, beginning the end of their perennial top four seed. Playoff time in 2012 was thrilling as an outsider (again). For the involved fans, emotions ranged from ecstasy to crippling depression. For the second year in a row, an eight seed knocked off a one when Philadelphia beat Chicago in six. To add insult to injury, Chicago's young star Derrick Rose tore his ACL, sidelining him for all of next year. He will be remembered as an all-time great "What if?" Elsewhere, San Antonio steamrolled the Jazz and Clippers only to be shocked by OKC in the conference finals. The Spurs won ten straight before dropping four in a row to Durant, Westbrook, Harden, and Ibaka. The Clippers and Grizzlies faced off for the first time with LA outlasting Memphis in 7. Extremely underrated series between these two. However, the east stole the show this postseason. Philly beating Chicago opened the door for a Celtics vs. Heat conference finals (after Boston beat the Sixers in 7). And what a conference finals that was. The last hurrah for the Celtics' big three, LeBron battling the choker label, and that otherworldly game 6 from the king. With his back against the wall, LeBron dropped 45 and 15. And this was a man who got crucified for shying away on the big stage! This cemented him as a ruthless killer. Remember those "KD is not nice" commercials? This was his "LeBron is not human" announcement. The underdog Celtics did a great job battling an overwhelming Heat team but ultimately fell. The Finals seemed so anticlimactic. LeBron had just exorcise his demons against the Celtics and arrived as possibly the most complete basketball player of all time. Miami made quick work of Oklahoma City, winning in five. Harden notoriously laid an egg while LeBron put up a triple double in game five on his way to finals MVP. It was all good though. The Thunder were bound to make it back with their incredibly young and promising stars. Well, sometimes things are just too perfect. Someone had to pay Harden, KD, Westbrook, and Ibaka. And it sure as hell wasn't going to be Clay Bennett. To avoid the tax, Presti had to deal Harden to Houston for cents on the dollar. Eventually this turned into Steven Adams, so the Thunder got something out of it. Enough on that though. I'm not Simmons. In fact, this wasn't even the biggest trade of the offseason. That would be the end of the Dwightmare in Orlando. In a wild four team trade, the Lakers got Dwight, Philly got Andrew Bynum (process alert), Denver got Iguodala, and the Magic got a shitload of picks/prospects. The Lakers had their star center once again. Pairing him with Kobe seemed like a ticket to the finals. But what is this? LA made another trade? That's right, they sent a shitload of picks to God's favorite team, the Suns of Phoenix for franchise icon and two time MVP Steve Nash. As a fan, this was the end of our greatest era. It was sad. My favorite player got traded to the Lakers of all teams. I was resigned to having some kind of bastardized happiness when he got his ring. They even brought in D'antoni too! What the fuck was that? Anyways, this Lakers team was the next superteam on paper. It was too perfect. After a 1-4 start, they fired Mike Brown and hired Mike D'Antoni. My motherfucking coach! Nash was constantly injured, Dwight was unhappy, and Kobe looked like Shaq broke into his house and shit all over his carpet. They got it together and actually resembled a good team by the end of the year. However, Kobe tore his Achilles right before the playoffs, punching the city of LA right in the collective dick. And now for the rest of the league. The 2012-13 season was another great one. Without Harden, the Thunder got the top seed and put up a 60 win season. Not to be outdone, Miami won 66 and nearly set the record for longest winning streak in a season. IMO, this was LeBron's peak as an all around player. He's probably smarter now, and was more athletic in Cleveland, but he was so balanced and versatile that you really didn't have a weakness you could even point to. I mean god damn, the man shot 40% from three! Imagine that today. I remember this year for the one-hit wonders, namely the Nuggets and Knicks. Largely forgotten, those two teams were seriously fun to watch. The Nugs were fast paced, high flying, and full of hustle. Iggy, Gallo, and the manimal. Ty Lawson prior to his career imploding too. They beat out some good teams for the three seed. Their Eastern counterpart was the New York Knickerbockers. This team was before their time. Bombing threes at a record pace, giving Steve Novak serious minutes, young JR in the city. Now that was fun. Definitely Melo's finest season in New York, but it was really Jason Kidd that made that team go in my opinion. Meanwhile, the Pacers came to play behind the leadership of emerging star Paul George and fearsome big man Roy Hibbert. San Antonio continued to win, Atlanta kept their playoff streak going, the Grizz and Clips were neck and neck all year, Bucks in 6 was born, and some team from Oakland made the playoffs for the first time in a while. Even the Nets did well with the play of the highest payed man in the NBA, Joe Johnson. The postseason started with the Heat and Thunder, last year's finals teams, slotted with the one seed in their respective conferences. A rematches seemed likely, but it was not meant to be. Russell Westbrook was injured in a collision with Patrick Beverly, knocking him out of the playoffs. They got by Houston but fell to the Grizz in 5 next round. Speaking of the Grizz, this was perhaps their finest season ever. They came back from down 2-0 to beat the Clippers and later advanced to the conference finals. Great job Memphis. Injuries didn't just derail Oklahoma City. Denver lost Danilo Gallinari to a torn ACL while the rest of the team suffered a spinal laceration at the hands of Andre Iguodala. The fast-paced and fun Nugs lost to Golden State in six. All in all, the Spurs ran through the western conference. Fuck me, right? The East was far more exciting this postseason. Unfortunately, the Bucks fell in 4, falling short of their prophecy. The Rose-less Bulls won an oddly entertaining series against Brooklyn, the Pacers made quick work of Atlanta, and New York exorcisms their demons and beat the Celtics in six. Against Indiana, the Fighting Dolans did not fare as well. JR Smith absolutely vanished after playing so well all year. Amar'e's corpse was useless. The dream had died in New York. This set up a Miami-Indiana conference finals, an oft-overlook classic. A lot of us forget how close this series really was. Hibbert, George, Hill, and West played out of their minds. Unfortunately, they ran into the best LeBron to ever play IMO. The man shot 51-44-78 on 29 points a game while being the leader in assists and rebounds on the Heat against the best defensive team in the league. Unreal. The series went the full seven, but the Pacers fell just short of doing the impossible. Part of the reason we forget that conference finals was the epic that followed. Round one of Spurs-Heat showed it's not how you start, it's how you finish. The first five games, save for the initial bout, were not particularly close. That served to set up 6 and 7 as instant classics. With their backs against the wall, LeBron ditched the headband, Bosh made the most important offensive rebound in the history of basketball, and Jesus hit that infamous three to send it to OT. We tend to forget game seven in favor of six which is a complete disservice to ourselves in my opinion. Game seven may not have had the high-strung suspense of its predecessor, but it was a classic in its own right. (Quick tidbit- Only five guys on Miami scored in game seven and Birdman only added three. So essentially, LeBron, Wade, Battier, and… Mario Chalmers outscored the Spurs.) I remember Tim Duncan missing an easy layup and slapping the floor just as well as Allen hitting the three. LeBron turning the corner, NOT PASSING THE BALL, and hitting the series clinching midrange shouldn't be forgotten so easily. What a way to end the season. Well boys, it happened this offseason. The single worst trade in NBA history. After trading Doc to the Clippers, the Celtics were in a full rebuild mode. Meanwhile, the Brooklyn Nets were buyers looking to win. So they sent KG, PP, Jet, and DJ White in exchange for (brace yourselves): Gerald Wallace (who they just traded a first- Damian Lillard- for), Kris Humphries, MarShon Brooks, Kris Joseph, Keith Bogans, three first round picks and the right to swap in 2017. Jesus Christ on the cross. The Nets mortgaged their future for three guys above 35. Not only did they trade three first round picks, they even went out of their way to use a pick-swap loophole to give the Celtics another one. I know we love to be armchair GMs but I really think any knowledgeable NBA fan would never have made that trade. Not in a million years. In all honesty the rest of the offseason pales in comparison to the trade. Damn near half the league fired their coach, even Memphis who had made the conference finals. Phil Jackson made his return to basketball. Masai Ujiri left for Toronto. The Knicks traded a first for Andrea Bargnani, the Warriors got Iggy in a sign and trade, and the Sixers shipped Jrue Holiday to Nawlins for Nerlens Noel and a pick. Shameless plug here- the Suns had a lowkey great offseason. We got Gerald Green (good for us), Miles Plumlee (good for us for one year), and a first for Luis Scola. We also dumped a shitload of money to the Wizards for Emeka Okafor and a first. Best of all, we got Eric Bledsoe for Jared Dudley. We got younger, better, and opened up cap space. When I think of the 2013-14 season, the team that sticks out to me the most is the Clippers. Not the Thunder, Heat, or my beloved Suns. The Clips had the strangest season I've ever seen. IMO this was their best team- Collison as backup PG, Big Baby Davis getting minutes, Matt Barnes starting- and could've won it all. They breezed to the third seed to face the Warriors of all teams. Easily favored, the Clips were all but set to move on. Well, until Donald Sterling ran his racist, senile mouth. He told V. Stiviano not to bring black people to his games and not to associate with them. On a related note, he didn't get his second lifetime award from the NAACP he was supposed to in May. Life comes at you fast. Subsequently, Sterling received a lifetime ban from the NBA. There was no place for him in the modern league. All the while, his team was casually playing in the postseason. The Clippers were pissed and distracted. Why wouldn't they be? Their fucking owner wouldn't want to associate with all but two and a half of them. LA got by in seven regardless. The next round was a forgotten classic against MVP Kevin Durant. The Clippers orchestrated one of the greatest comebacks of all time to tie the series at 2 to set up a pivotal game five. I'll never forget the sequence of events at the end. Less than a minute left, Clips up 104-97, KD hits a three. Jamal misses his layup, KD makes his. Two point game. Right off the inbound, Westbrook rips CP3 and passes it to Reggie Jackson who seemingly loses it out of bounds. After a lengthy review, the officials incorrectly rule possession for OKC. On the ensuing play, CP3 (debatably) fouls Westbrook's 3 point attempt. He hits all three giving OKC a one point lead. LA calls timeout with 6 seconds left. On the other end, Paul loses the handle, sealing OKC's win. A crusher. The Thunder take game six and move on. I'd like to take a moment to remember how LA got screwed that game five. And it wasn't just against Houston that they seemed cursed. The 2013-14 season as a whole was probably my favorite since I started watching. The Pacers starting hot and sputtering at the end, Kawhi's emergence as a star, Dallas, Memphis, and Phoenix vying for the last two spots in the west, the Bobcats making the playoffs, the Raptors winning a comically bad Atlantic Division, Damian and LaMarcus bringing Portland back to the playoffs, and on and on. I admittedly think back fondly to this season because of our unexpected success. I remember Bill Simmons saying his life would be a failure if he watching five of our games. And you know what? He was right at the time. We sucked. But sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle. Goran Dragic, God bless that man, came home and led the offense like Nash and Kidd before him. PJ Tucker was hitting corner threes, Miles Plumlee was hitting hook shots, and the Morris brothers weren't being fat dickheads. Dragic played valiantly, earring third team all-NBA, but we feel one game short of the postseason. Such is life. Speaking of postseason, 2013-14's first round was the best ever. San Antonio was pushed to 7 by the eight-seed Mavericks, powered by old man Carter's iconic buzzer beater. Oddly enough, Dallas was San Antonio's biggest challenge. OKC with MVP Durant faced Memphis and promptly went into overtime four times before blowing them out the last two. Shoutout to Zbo for getting suspended for game seven. The Clips beat GS in seven (quite the series). In fact, the only western series that don't go to seven was Houston vs Portland. LaMarcus and Dwight killed it all series. Troy Daniels was the Hero of the Day for Houston once. However, one play defined that whole series- Dame's buzzer beater. Iconic as fuck. Across the Mississip' was another classic first round. Top seeded Indiana needed seven games to beat 38 win Atlanta. To this day Indiana's implosion is a mystery. Miami laughed Charlotte off the court. Toronto and Brooklyn went to seven as well. I irrationally got really into this series. I was really rooting for Lowry and co to pull this one out. That very last play in game seven couldn't have been more telegraphed. Fuck you Casey. Lastly, the Wall Star made his playoff debut, knocking off Chicago behind the expert tactician Playoff Wittman's leadership. In the semis OKC beat LA (see above) and San Antonio ran through a bench-less Portland. The Wizards kept it close, but collapsed in game 4, blowing a shot to tie the series. Indiana survives. Miami made quick work of Brooklyn even though Brooklyn swept them in the regular season. Who knew? This set up a pair of rematches in the conference finals. The Spurs had lost to the Thunder in 2012 but had a new weapon- Kawhi Leonard. To make matters worse for OKC, Serge Ibaka was out for the first two games. Subsequently, San Antonio took the first two quite easily. In game three, Ibaka made his triumphant return. His defensive versatility led OKC to wins in games three and four with a rematch with Miami looming. San Antonio surprisingly responded by eviscerating OKC in game five and later edging them out in OT. Old man Duncan rode again. Meanwhile, Indiana may have been running on fumes but were ready to put up a fight. They came out swinging in game one but fell in the next three. Indy came back from a double digit deficit to force a game six but it was all for naught. Miami advanced once again, crippling Roy Hibbert's career in the process. The Finals, well, were not so good. You remember game one for the AC going this the LeCramp debacle. Game two actually was close with Miami evening it up. Then it got ugly. The Spurs' team ball and use of dribble handoffs stymied the Heat's hyper aggressive switching. Kawhi became the guy while Wade fossilized on court. The Heat were simply too thin, slow, and old for San Antonio. This, coupled with some fortuitous lottery luck, made coming home an appealing option for LeBron. On July 11th, 2014, he made his choice. The rest is history. The past three years, we’ve known the finals matchup far beyond the playoffs started (and even the champion in the preseason last year). I recognize the greatness of the Warriors. They were arguably the best team of all time and will continue to dominate the league. That’s impressive. Likewise, LeBron made the finals for the seventh straight year. What a testament that is to his legacy. I doubt we’ll see such an extreme dominance of a conference by one man in a long time. But the playoffs, especially pre-finals, just aren’t as exciting as they used to be. Have we had any pre-finals moments like 2014 when like half the first round series went to game seven? The Pacers pushing the Heat to the brink in 2013 behind Paul George’s emergence as a star? The upstart Warriors shocking the Nuggets? The Grizz knocking off the 1 seed Spurs? The inexplicably thrilling Nets vs Bulls first round matchup? Chris Paul and the Clippers getting hosed by the refs against OKC (loved that Clips team)? The Knicks looking like contenders for a year? These are some of my fondest memories of the NBA- but they were also meaningful. We just haven't had anything like that recently. Sure, LeBron’s Heat was nearly lock for the finals. But those Pacers gave them a run for their money twice. And the Celtics didn’t go down without a fight. Miami couldn’t coast their way to the finals back then. They had to work for it, and without fail, they always kept it exciting. You could always bet on the East giving the Heat one challenger. Then there’s the West. What more do I need to say? Even though my team got drilled these years, it was always a blast following the West throughout the season. Things always seemed to shake out differently. The Mavericks went on their legendary title run and promptly dismantled the team. OKC’s young, promising core made their first (and last) finals, an all-time great what-could-have-been. San Antonio’s revival spurred by beautiful team ball and Kawhi’s breakthrough. The competition wasn’t just the the top; Every team always came to play. Has there ever been such competitive play from the 8 seed? Let’s reminisce. The Grizz knocked off the top seeded Spurs in 2011. The Mavericks pushed San Antonio to the brink. (Vince Carter buzzer beater anyone?) The new-look Rockets with their freshly acquired James Harden made it a series against his old team. Competition doesn’t just mean the postseason though. The regular seasons meant more for two reasons: more teams had a legitimate shot at the Finals and the advent of The Process™ had not yet reached the league. I’ve gotten used to the Warriors vs Cavs finals. 2015 was a surprise for Golden State, but the past two years, we’ve pretty much known they were both going back. To make it worse, the much-beleaguered KD defection worsened the talent disparity. In other words, get ready for more Cavs vs Warriors. Back then, you had to fight during the regular season because seeding mattered. You didn’t want to slip up towards the end and get matched up with the Grizz. San Antonio, OKC, LA Clippers, Memphis, and Dallas all were serious contenders at least once during this era. The little things during the season could change the course of the playoffs, be it one trade (looking at you Danny Granger), injury, etc. You never knew how things were going to shake out. I will admit out east it was top heavy. Generally, there was the Heat and one or two other challengers. And in all honesty, that’s better than what we have now. It was fun watching the Bulls and Pacers steal the one seed from the Heat. Old man Garnett making his last stand against a pissed off LeBron. PG force feeding Birdman his shit. Other than that though, it wasn’t nearly as wild as the west. In a trade that will live in infamy, Philadelphia swapped all-star Jrue Holiday for Nerlens Noel and a top-five protected pick in 2014. This was newly-acquired GM Sam Hinkie’s first big move in Philly. A collective feeling of "what the fuck?" filled the air; Holiday was Philly's best player and supposed second banana to Andrew Bynum. Maybe I was just a stupid kid at the time, but it made no sense to me. This is what we can look back to as the start of the process. Hinkie became the first GM to outright say the league is flawed. You need a superstar, and realistically one or two more, to win the finals. The Sixers were nowhere near the bottom or the top. But shit, they had just recently beat the top-seeded Bulls in round one and took the Celtics to seven. This was not a bad team. But that's not what the NBA was about, Hinkie asserted. GMs and coaches can usually keep their jobs by being not bad. Why wouldn't they? Only one team wins. 29 lose. Not one owner could expect to win every year, and cleaning house after each season is definitely not the way to succeed. But Hinkie didn't want to settle. Complacency was the enemy. He knew the only reliable way to land a superstar was in the draft. Specifically, the top of the draft. So the Sixers got bad. And I mean real bad. They lost and lost and lost, but they got their top picks. Just as importantly, they got their assets too. By taking on bad contracts, vets, and exploiting Sacramento, Philly had a treasure trove of picks down the line. They used a lot of their ammo to acquire Markelle Fultz- one of those franchise changing superstars. Controversial as it may be, tanking has become widespread in the NBA. Since Golden State and Cleveland seem unbeatable, many teams, including my beloved Suns, have decided to start a “youth movement” in the meantime. (Sidenote: Props to Minnesota, Denver, Boston, Toronto, and all the other teams who aren’t rolling over. Godspeed to all of you) What we have now is an extremely polarized sense of championship or bust. What was about 10 total contenders between 2011-2014 has been whittled down to 3. As a result, tanking has become an epidemic. The Sixers have their well-documented process. Mark Cuban admitted to tanking. My Suns sat veterans who could’ve added a few wins. The Hawks just blew it up. The Knicks are expressing interest in a “youth movement”. Orlando is doing something. Can you blame them though? Winning any time soon seems like an impossibility. The west looks like a meat grinder this year, but the Warriors are just too good. And when you know who’s going to win from day one, the entertainment value just isn’t the same. "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." -Andy Bernard
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