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About The Girl I Want

I am looking for a decent girl that wants to be in a long term monogamus relationship with me.
I want the girl to be attractive.
I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl.
I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred overweight, they should be fine.
Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me.
I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl. But for the most part, I love long hair.
Redheads are my favorite, next is Brunettes, and next is Blondes, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.
I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl.
However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black.
I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.
I do not ever want to have kids, so if a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man.
I will not date a girl that does not have a job or career.
I am not looking for any type of woman that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a man to pay for everything.
I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.
To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!
I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again.
I do not like gamblers. I will not be in any relationship with a woman that gambles or wastes money on such things.
I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.
I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.
I will not date any girl that can not always be honest & faithful to me. This is very important.
I prefer a girl that does not smoke, but as long as she does not smoke in my house or around me, if she can go outside and smoke, then I can live with that. I lived with my ex girlfriend for Eleven years, and she was a smoker.
I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER.
I will not date a selfish woman. I do not like selfish women at all.
I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me.
I know sometimes on this thread, I may seem like a negative person because I point out sooooo many things that I dislike, but I assure you I am a very positive person, I am just tring to put out here my likes/dislikes so you can know more about me and what type of girl may get along with me.
I do not expect a girl to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue, and it’s very important that we can live in peace together if at some point the girl & I live together. I like to live in a quiet & peaceful environment. That is extremely important to me.
I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!
I like a girl that takes care of herself and keeps herself clean of course.
I love it when a girl wears sexy lingerie in the bedroom! Especially thigh highs!
I need a girl that can be very warm & affectionate and loving.
It’s also nice if the girl has a big heart and appreciates simples things, and understands the value of sentimental things etc.
I like a girl that appreciates romance and the art of courtship.
Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important. I also love to hold a girls hand when I am walking with her. And I love sleeping beside a girl and holding her close to me, and spooning with her. In fact THAT is the reason I named this thread “Sleepless In Austin” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my relationship ended with my ex-girlfriend.
And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha :)
It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants.
I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.
Now I’m not saying having had a kid or two is a for sure dealbreaker for me, but it’s a case by case basis, and I prefer a woman that’s never had kids if possible. My ex-girlfriend that I was with for Eleven years never had kids, she couldn’t because of a hysterectomy at a young age.
I like to get a lot of attention in a relationship, and I like to give it as well.
I also have a very high sex drive.

About Me

What follows is just a place where I will list some random information about me…
Romance is the air I breathe, for without it I surely would die!
So many people often wonder, what is the purpose of life, why are we here, what is the secret of the Universe etc. etc.
I know the answer to this. The answer is simple. The answer is Love.
The meaning and purpose of life is nothing more than love, for a life without love would be completely meaningless and would cease to have any purpose whatsoever!
Love is the only thing that truly drives me, I follow my Heart, always.
I am an Artist, Musician, Poet, Composer, Performer, Businessman, I am many things. I am very creative & artistic. I can be accurately described as being both a CEO & a Rockstar all at the same time, both of those perfectly existing in one person, Me. I am a very unique man. There is NOTHING typical, average, normal, or ordinary about me whatsoever!
I have a way of leaving lasting impressions on people the first time they meet me, they never forget me, and the more a person gets to know about me the more they realize that they have never, ever met another human being in this world like me!
I like to do abstract paintings on canvas with acrylic paints. Although it’s been a few years since I’ve had time to paint anything, I will eventually find the time to paint again in the future.
I love music. I have been playing guitar since I was 5 years old. I’ve written and recorded a lot of original songs. My favorite type of songs to write are love songs.
I’ve also written a book of love poetry.
I do wedding photography on the weekends as well as all other types of photography. And I also work another job Monday through Friday, and i also am currently working a lot of overtime.
I was born in Orlando, Florida on September 18, 1974.
I was then moved to Columbus, Georgia when I was about 2 years old by my great grandmother who took me to raise.
I lived in Columbus, Georgia until around the year 2000 when I was around 24 years old.
Then I sold my house there and I moved to Huntington, West Virginia and although I did not like Huntington, WV I lived there until I was about 35 years old.
And then I moved here to Austin, Texas on December 22nd, 2009.
I live in South Austin, right off William Cannon on Bluff Springs Rd.
South Austin, SoCo, Downtown, The Drag, and West Austin are my favorite parts of Austin.
I do not like North Austin or East Austin.
I know I live in SouthEast Austin, but I do not consider the spot I live to be the real East Austin, I just see where I live as South Austin.
To me, North Austin looks to much like any other city, boring, lacking the “Austin” vibe, the people up there remind me a little of Dallas people, and I do not like Dallas at all. And I do not like anything at all about anything near the Rundberg area up North.
And when I think of East Austin, I think of areas like around 12th & Chicon, that just looks like poverty striken, ghetto people crime infested neighborhoods, full of the trashy people that have long criminal records and lack any proper education. There’s nothing good I can say about East Austin, in fact I think East Austin is a disgrace the the great city of Austin and I wish we could eliminate that whole segment of the population from our beautiful city. Hopefully, that area will be filled with condos or something so that that “type” of people will be priced out of Austin and no longer be able to afford to live within our city limits here.
There’s very little crime in Austin, but when you do hear about crime, it’s usually up North near Rundberg or Airport Blvd, or it’s East Austin.
I know I read back in the 80′s there used to be a problem with gangs/crime in the Dove Springs area (Also Dove Springs isn’t bad like it used to be, but I’d still never want to live there either. I also dislike most of Riverside. You can usually just look at people in those areas and tell they are trashy.) here in South Austin, but I don’t live in Dove Springs, I am near it somewhat, but I am just a hop, skip and a jump to South Congress, and to me South Congress Avenue is one of the safest, most prestigious streets.roads in Austin. It leads all the way to Downtown where it turns into just Congress Ave, and then goes on behind the Capitol where it basically turns into The Drag or Guadalupe, which is very similar to the SoCo 78704 area, especially where they have all the shops and used to have the food trailers like Hey Cupcake.
THAT’S the part of Austin, that I love and consider to be the REAL Austin, those are the areas of Austin that I LOVE.
Mayfield Park is my absolute favorite place in Austin to go spend time! It’s in West/Central Austin on 3505 W. 35th Street. I think it’s the most beautiful place in America, like Heaven on Earth! I even wrote and recorded a love song about and dedicated to Mayfield Park! That’s how much I love it there! I love the Peacocks there the most! And the gardens, koi ponds, nature trails and palm trees, it’s amazing to be there!
And right by Mayfield Park is Mount Bonnel Drive which leads about 6 blocks or so up to the highest point of Austin, Mt Bonnel. I love going up the hundred or so steps there and enjoying that view! I love going to these two places in Austin as often as possible, and if you can’t tell I love to walk, and I do a lot of walking!
I also think Austin has the most beautiful Skyline in the country!
And I love the Congress Avenue Bridge!
I love to walk across it all the way downtown! I love to stand on it and watch the Sunset, or watch the Bats take flight at night!
I love to stand in that White Gazebo they have Downtown and look at the Colorado River.
I love to walk around the lake there as well.
I love to walk all up and down Congress Avenue and also up and down 6th Street. I love the energy of 6th Street. And I also love the Warehouse District downtown right before you get to 6th Street. The Red River area right past 6th Street is also nice to explore.
I also love the Capital, it is very beautiful to see Downtown.
I love to see a good live band from time to time, or go to a comedy club for some good standup comedy.
I love to see Art and to visit Museums.
I love to try new Restaurants and foods.
I love going to the Barton Creek Mall sometimes.
My favorite clubs are Friends on 6th Street, and the Continental Club on South Congress. Maggie Maes on 6th is also good. And the Elysium on Red River is good for something different sometimes.
I love watching movies at the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz on 6th and the dinner & Milkshakes are good too there.
I love the Italian restaurant on Congress called La Traviata, and also the Mexican restaurant Manuels beside it there. And I love Conan’s deep dish Pizza on Guadalupe/Drag.
As far as Politics goes, I believe that democrats & republicans are really just two sides of the same coin to give us the illusion of choice,
I do not believe we live in a truly free country anymore, and it hasn’t been free in a very, very long time.
I do not like Obama. And, I did not like Bush or his Father either. I did not like the Clintons or the Reagan administration either. There hasn’t been a president during my lifetime so far that I have liked.
I believe that 99% of Fox News and mainstream Media is nothing but Lies, Lies and more Lies.
I think that the majority of Americans, along with the rest of the world are brainwashed sheep that are asleep.
I believe that 911 was a Inside Job, designed to instill more fear in Americans in which the government can use as a escuse to take away more of our rights and freedoms and push more of their terrible agenda upon us.
There’s a man here in Austin, Texas by the name of Alex Jones who has a show on KLBJ radio, he’s been talking about things like this for about 20 years or longer. He has a website www.prisonplanet.com and he’s also released about 17 video documentaries on this subject and everything he says or writes is backed up by documented fact.
I believe in and support almost everything he says on his show & documentaries and puts on his website. Check out his website and you will have a good idea on what my politics are.
I basically believe in our Constitution, the way our fore fathers wrote it, before Bush & Obama began destroying all the freedoms it contained with the Patriot Acts etc.
The best documentaries to watch of Alex Jones are Terrorstorm, and also End Game. There’s another great documentary by someone else called Loose Change. You can watch those for free if you search for them on Google Video.
Other than those types of polital beliefs, there’s a few other things I believe in…
I do not support abortion unless it’s for the result of rape or incest.
Abortion is murder.
I do not believe a woman should have the choice or freedom to kill her baby just because she was a slutty whore and dosen’t want to accept responsibility and raise the baby herself or give it to someone else who will.
I also do not support homosexuality. I think it’s disgusting, and morally wrong. I think it’s the trait of a defective human being.
I am old fashioned. I am conservative. I believe men should be men, and women should be women. God made Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve.
Furthermore, I do not believe homosexuals should be allowed to teach in schools or hold any type of job in which they have any type of interactions with children in which they could leave a false impression that homosexuality is ok on their young minds.
Now with that said, go ahead and ask me how I feel about Gay marriage…
And I will tell you that I am ok with that, because you know what, I’m just one person, I can’t stop it from happening, so if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, and I am a Wedding Photographer, so just think if they allow Gays to legally marry, the income I make from Wedding Photography basically would double overnight wouldn’t it! hahaha!!!!
Now with that said, I am not a mean or hateful person. I am a very easy going, nice, peaceful guy. And I work with people sometimes that are Gay and never have any problems with them. We get a long fine.
I basically only concern myself with my own inner world near me, only stuff that has a direct impact on me and the little world around me.
I don’t go out of my way to recycle, I mean I don’t seperate my trash into different trash cans etc, plastic in one and this or that in the other like some people do. I don’t have time for that nonsense. The world will be here for as long as I live, and after I’m gone, whatever happens to this Earth is of no concern to me. I don’t have time for recycling. Let that be someone else’s job to sort out all of that stuff.
People now a days are always wanting everything to be green, like hybrid cars etc. Me, I am planning on getting a 1977 Corvette Stingray soon with a 350 V8 engine that will only get about 10 miles a gallon. How’s that for green??? hahaha!!!!
I don’t worry about killing trees when I waste paper either. And when I go out to eat dinner, I don’t care if I eat all of my food or not, it does not bother me to throw away whatever I am not hungry to eat.
Can you tell yet I’m not one of those Hippies that you see so much of here in Austin????
Hahahaha!
I love Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, Janis Joplin, Led Zeppelin, and I seen the Woodstock DVD and that all is cool. I’m creative & artistic and believe in Freedom.
But, I am not a lazy slacker like most hippies are. I believe everyone needs to work to support theirself, earn their own money and not live off the government or off handouts or charity.
I do NOT believe marijuana should ever be legalized!
I do believe it’s ok for doctors to give to Cancer patients etc, but I do not believe it should be easy to get a prescription for, basically unless you can prove you have Cancer or something then you should not be allowed to smoke it.
I am not a Racist person. In fact I tend to get along much better with Black guys than I do White guys.
However, I do not like Rap or Hip Hop music. I do not even consider that to be real music. And I do not like Black people that listen to that kind of music. I do not like Black people that have a criminal record or smoke pot or do any other type of drugs. I do not like Black people that live in the “projects” or live off welfare or food stamps. I do not like Black people that do not have a full time job. I do not like Black people that wear their pants halfway down to their knees. And I do not like Black people that don’t speak proper English and pronounce their words correctly. I do not like Black people that dress like thugs or gangstas. I do not like uneducated Black People. And if you are a Black person that lives in East Austin or up North Austin around the Rundberg area then chances are I probably don’t like you either! So there! haha!!!!!
I am NOT racist. I just do NOT like ignorant, useless, TRASH.
I also don’t like White people that do those same types of things!
And, I do not believe that Whites & Blacks should mix races sexually and have kids together.
I think it’s ok for Whites & Hispanics. But not Blacks.
I would NEVER, EVER, EVER date a woman if I found out she had EVER been sexually active with a Black man.
That would just be pure filth.
I do not like Homeless people, bums, drunks, or drug users either, or anyone that participates in any type of criminal activity.
I also do not like White country types or Redneck types or Trailer trash types.
I do not believe in fishing or hunting, I do not support the killing of animals.
I am not a Vegetarian, but I don’t eat much meat compared to most people, and one day I’d like to be totally vegetarian, It takes a lot of will power though.
I love Animals.
I love Nature.
I love living in the City.
I love the Sunny days and warm weather of Austin.
I do not like cold weather or snow. I do not like to be cold.
I do not like the rain.
I am not materialistic, but I do like for the things I have to be nice and to be of excellent quality. I strive to live as comfortable of a life as I possibly can.
I am currently working with a realtor to buy a house here in South Austin so that I can move out of this apartment.
I am also working towards starting a romantic Bed & Breakfast in South Austin in the future.
I am a entrepenuer and I am in the process of establishing multiple streams of income that all target the same clients in the Wedding industry.
I also believe in living on a balanced budget, and setting aside money for savings as well as investing a portion into stocks.
Sometimes I think people see me as a very arrogant & egotistical man, I can’t help it if I am more intelligent than most men, that’s their problem and their own insecurities they must deal with. I think I am a very nice guy, very well balanced, highly intelligent, a hard worker, very assertive in life, with a huge heart and a very romantic side.
Some of my favorite movies, in no particular order, are:
Of What Dreams May Come, City Of Angels, Leaving Las Vegas, Pulp Fiction, Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Casino, Finding Nemo, Naploeon Dynomite, Rock Star, The Basketball Diaries, The Doors, Rocky, Rocky Balboa, Wall-E, The Goonies, Star Wars, Kill Bill, Romeo & Juliet (DiCaprio version), The Devils Rejects, E.T., Friday, and Sling Blade.
Sam Kinison, Richard Pryor & Robin Williams are some of my favorite comedians.
Some of my favorite Bands are:
Guns & Roses, Poison, Black Crowes, Ozzy Osbourne, Def Leppard, The Cure, AC/DC, Metallica, Megadeth, Pink Floyd, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, Etta James, Otis Redding, Diana Krall, Skid Row, Whitesnake, and David Gilmour.
Other Random Things About Me:
I like to eat:
Blueberries, Bannanas, Whole Wheat Whole Grain Breads, Spinach, Tomatos, Avacado, Tobasco Hot Sauce, Jalepinos, Banana Peppers, Green Peppers, Onions, Raw Garlic Cloves, Olivesm Cucumbers, Raw Honey, Cereals like Wheaties & Cheerios, Baked Potatos, Mashed Potatos, Fried green tomatos. Chicken is my least favorite meat. Beef is my next least favorite, and after Beef Pork. My favorite meat is Salmon & Tuna, and sometimes Turkey. Those seem to be the most healthy meats, if you are going to eat meat, which I try to eat as little of it as I can. Sometimes I go a few days without any meat at all. When I order Pizza, I usually just get it with Veggies. Dark Chocolate is my favorite, especially the truffles made by Lindt. My favorite cake is German Chocolate, my favorite ice cream is Rocky Road. I also love the home made brownies they sell on the counters at the 711 stores here. I am trying to eat more healthy. The only fast food I eat is at Subway.
I like all kinds of movies, thrillesuspense/horrodrama/comedy/romance/documentary.
I do not like to watch sports or reality shows.
I don’t watch much TV.
If I do watch TV, it’s usually a DVD.
But my favorite TV Shows are:
South Park, Seinfeld, Breaking Bad, Dexter, The Sopranos, Beavis & Butthead, and the X-Files.
I love to celebrate Christmas.
I am a very giving person.
I like to make a woman happy, it makes me happy if I can make the woman in my life happy.
I do not know how to swim, no one ever taught me.
I was on the Judge Judy TV show one time.
I had the lyrics to my song “Soul Brother” printed in a book about Stevie Ray Vaughan called You Can’t Stop A Comet by Cutter Brandenberg who was Stevie’s road manager and lives in Temple.
I was also written about in Kelly Garni’s autobiography, he was the original bass guitar player in the old 70′s band Quiet Riot along with Randy Rhoads who went on to play for Ozzy Osbourne.
A musician based in Dallas that has been on tours with ZZ Top, wrote & recorded a song about me and put it on one of his CDs, the song is called “Romeo”.
I was the person that got unreleased film footage of Randy Rhoads from film director Peter Margolis and uploaded it all over the internet for the world to see for the first time ever even though I did not have Peter’s permission, it made me a instant hero in the Randy Rhoads community/fan base, and now Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne even know who I am, they even had a meeting regarding me at one time awile back.
When I was in WV I once wrote a song about a man that painted a bridge Pink and I made the headlines of the newspaper there for it.
Stevie Ray Vaughan’s brother Jimmie Vaughan once banned me from ever coming into Antones, he refused to play if I was in the audience, I don’t know if the ban is still in place because I always liked Nuno’s club better before it closed, but as you can see I can be quite a colorful & contraversial character at times obvisouly! Hahaha!!!

So, you wanna go to SHOT show? You think it's all fun and games? Get to play with guns? See Jesse James and R. Lee Ermey? SHOT show is the annual pilgrimage of the unwashed masses to Las Vegas to rub elbows with youtube celebrities, bloggers and overseas businessmen copying US made equipment and share infectious disease.
If you love guns, gambling and gonorrhea - SHOT show is for you! It is not my typical idea of a good time. I am not a big fan of Las Vegas.
However: I do attend for a few reasons. First, I do enjoy travel and I'm platinum on AA so I can usually score an upgrade. Second, industry people are in there that I do hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars with business with so it's nice to put a face with the name and see what deals are out there. SHOT for me has been a bust for the past few years. Being a value guy, I want to buy at $1000 and sell at $3000 and as of recently the gun business is more like buy for $1 and sell for $1.10 if you get what I mean.
We used to do business at SHOT and now it's just checking in on foursquare, instagram and rubbing elbows with bloggers and the like. I want to make money, not spend money so this is very annoying to me.
Anyways, onto the play by play.
Monday, January 16th. One day before SHOT show.
http://imgur.com/a/HoFUm
Every time I've been rejected by a woman, I move $1 from checking into savings and I take the bankroll down to the Wynn for some play. Lets do this.
The TSA line is a shitshow thanks to, well TSA.
I slog my way to the lounge, as shitty as it is to wait for my winged chariot to DFW. I have gone from being in an abusive relationship with Delta to being in an abusive relationship with AA. Although if you really want to experience the battered spouse feeling, UA is a few gates over. This trip's light reading is trying to finish "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell. Such a good book as well as "Outliers" if you want a good read.
I walk up to the podium to find out that my upgrades do not clear, even as an AA Plat thanks to the addition of a FOURTH elite tier. Goddamn fucking W. Doug Parker. Asshole. I gate check my bags to make life easier for me and the rest of the folks. The gate agent calls concierge key and executive platinum passengers. I look down and realize I'm wearing a suit and board with the executive platinum folks because I do not care and I look the part. If you walk with a purpose and are dressed reasonably well, you fit the profile. I settle into my window seat and try to finish outliers. I pass out before takeoff and I'm awoken by the dulcet tones of the flight attendants preparing for landing. We land at Dallas a few minutes early and I hightail it to the Centurion for a quick bite to eat. I grab a plate and help myself to some of the excellent brisket, pecan encrusted chicken and some roasted jumbo asparagus. Yes, my pee is going to smell funny. No, I do not care. The lounge is packed. The bar is full and I grab a quick single malt as I have my meal since American's not going to feed me. They begin boarding to Mccarran as I walk out of the lounge. No time for a stop in the spa on this trip. I make it to the gate just as the call group 2 boarding.
I bypass the main line and walk up through the priority line giving no heed to the people that have been waiting there before me as I hold up my paper boarding pass with PLATINUM to the gate agent. I board and take my usual seat - the exit row without the seat in front of it. I'm aghast to see this sight.
http://imgur.com/a/dygil
The savages. Literally. The savages.
I put my loathing away for a moment and look down at the exit row. I have the window. The aisle is a large middle aged man and in the middle is what I believe to be a formecurrent linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys wearing a 52 regular sports jacket. He's not a fat guy in a little coat, he's a big fucking hulk of a man stuffed in an exit row seat that is already an inch narrower due to the tray table. I grimace as I take my seat and give him the manly nod. He does not look happy about the fact that his knees are in the seat in front and I'm stretched out like a Cheshire cat in front of a fireplace on a cold January afternoon.
The boarding door closes for an on time departure and Stephanie the FA takes her seat. He leans over and asks if he can take the empty row across the aisle and she takes one look at the three of us and gives him the nod. I bail out to give him a path of egress and suddenly the trip to Las Vegas has just become way more comfortable. I finish The Tipping Point somewhere over west texas, so I pop a xanax and dr pepper and zone out for the rest of the ride. I awake to feel one of the FA's jostling me awake telling me to put my seat up. I do so and we have a ride so smooth that not even the Delta guy behind me can complain about light chop. We catch the TYSSN4 arrival and the next thing I know it the Messier Dowty landing gear of the A321 touch the paint at Mccarran for a smooth rollout down 25L.
My phone battery is approaching grim death since this seat has no power plugs and I find bartman383 has sent me a message. He has been enjoying LV with his wife and their due to bad weather they are in the city of sin for a few extra nights. He invites me to dinner. I'm still pretty full from DFW and I tell him I'll be over there once I get my bags and the car and I'll see him when I see him. He gives me the info for the hotel as we pull up to the gate.
First stop: Centurion lounge. AA's app tells me bags being unloaded. I grab a quick bite of fried chicken and brussels sprouts since they are good for you and a chocolate pudding. The brisket and pecan encrusted chicken from DFW still has me full but I'm well aware of the speed of a union baggage handlers nowadays and who doesn't like chocolate pudding? Terrorists. That's who. Want to know how to screen for terrorists TSA? Set up a table of free chocolate pudding at the airport. The people who don't take any are members of ISIS. It's just that simple.
I grab my bag and hoof it to Hertz. I'm an idiot and I am an hour late for my pickup. Oops. Will an Audi A3 suffice? I sigh and I accept my Teutonic quattro chariot. I do a burnout in the parking garage and hightail it to the exit. I flash my #1 card and my ID and the gatekeeper gives me the go ahead. I get onto the the strip and traffic is awful. I'm going to be late for dinner. I make a left onto Russell Road and hightail it up the 15. I manage to get the car up to 100 as I pass the Luxor. My phone is dead so I can't message Bart about being late. Fuck. The exit approaches quickly as I put the 4 wheel disk brakes to work and sling the car around and head south on Las Vegas Bl. I accidentally turn into the Bellagio and I'm now running even more late. Fuck. Eventually, I get the car into the garage at the Cosmopolitan and head upstairs. I cannot remember the name of the restaurant but I head up to the third floor where all the restaurants are and I see this sign that's reminiscent of my days in retail.
It says RESTAURANT - LOUNGE - PAWN SHOP.
I laugh. I walk in. It's literally a pawnshop. I look around puzzled.
FC: Is this a restaurant?
Bald Headed Guy: Yes, through that door.
He points towards a door. I walk in to find a bustling restaurant, lounge via the entrance of pawnshop. This is insane. I pass a mirror and check myself out. I adjust my tie, after all it is YSL and the ladies LOVE YSL. Remember that. I find the hostess and inform her I will be joining some friends for dinner. They probably do not have me on the reservation though but I turn on the charm and she smiles and says no problem at all. She asks if my tie is from Hermes. I say no, I'm a YSL guy. She looks impressed as I tell her I'll make a quick lap of the room to see if they're there and surprise them. She gives me a nod and tells me to go right ahead. Still got it.
I spot bart and his wife who I can only remember vaguely from gunnitlive after party video and I pull up a chair. Bart is surprised to see I made it and they are in the middle of dinner. They offer to ply me with food and beverage but I decline as I'm driving so no booze for me and no food since I am stuffed from Dallas. We chat about life and liberty over libations. Bart's wife thinks I am hysterical. She's had a few drinks and they are already into their main courses. The brussels sprouts are way too salty and we have to send it back. No bueno.
Bart invites me up to his suite on the top floor of the hotel where we are to meet Brogelicious later in the evening. I say, when in rome......we head to the top floor of the hotel tower where Bart shows me his view from the balcony and cracks open the mini bar for some more libations. He asks if I want a drink and I say I better not. I'm driving.
Not 30 seconds after arriving, brogel shows up. Bart's wife hugs brogel. She's infatuated with him. We start shooting the shit and bart opens up the minibar and tells us to take anything we want, it's on the hotel. I laugh and I look outside as bart opens his yeti 110 for some silver bullets. Apparently he is so baller the hotel will send up a yeti 110 filled with beer to make him happy. His wife is apparently such a baller. I ball on a budget. They just ball. Hahaha.
We shoot the shit some more about guns, gun stuff and people on the reddit for a while. I get a little thirsty and I crack open bart's cooler. I ask him how long the stuff in the cooler is supposed to last and he says until Wednesday.
I look down and I am agape at what I see.
We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
I mentally prepared my butthole and I decided to help myself to a coors light against my wishes but Bart, Bart's wife and Brogel are all drinking so I let peer pressure take hold as I cracked open a beer with them. We head out to the balcony to smoke some cuban cigars together as bart's wife takes a photo of all of us. We all look like hell. Haha.
As bart downs his second beer, he asks me a question.
Bart: ever go hunting?
Me: Ducks a little bit but not much
Bart: ever want to hunt some deadly game?
Me: Like on african safari?
Bart: No, I mean like.........man.
Me: Hahahahhahaaha you're just fucking with me. Hahahahahhaa. That's really funny.
Bart: No really, the concierge here at this hotel will set it up for us. It's amazing. I remember my first hunt......
Brogel starts laughing and I realize they've been doing a bit. I've been had.
We bullshit about SHOT and Barrett's shotguns and other things and next thing I know, it's late but bart hands me a mixed drink. I sip it a bit and I was in the middle of a tirade complaining about my customers. Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the city, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals? Nobody seems to understand what I'm talking about. It's cold on the balcony. Our cigars are done. We head indoors. No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastards will see them soon enough.
Back indoors I realize Brussels sprouts and coors light is a bad choice. Seriously no bueno. I excuse myself to the bathroom and drain the vein. The asparagus funny smelling pee and the side effects of beer and brussels sprouts is a noxious combination that a defense contractor should weaponize it. It's pretty bad and not even cuban tobbaco can mask the smell.
I sit back down and continue to talk about guns and stuff with bart and the gang and bart asks who ruined the bathroom. I apologize as he sprays a bunch of febreze around and opens the balcony. I apolgize to brogel. He is not accepting my apology. (sorry :( )
Nearly 11, it's about time to pull chocks and mosey on down the dusty trail. I don't want to prompt an evacuation of the hotel due to noxious odors so I decide to leave and bart seems to be kinda mad that I've ripped ass and polluted the sanctuary of his hotel. Half a coors light and brussels sprouts are no bueno in my book now. Bart decides to party hard with his wife and I offer brogel a ride home. He seems skeptical to share a confined space with me after I have just destroyed bart's hotel room. The car has 4 windows and the Uber will cost him a few bucks he can put towards ammo. He relents as we head down to the garage to find my car. Thankfully we find it quickly and I manage to contain the weapons of ass destruction for the 16 minute ride off strip to casa de brogel.
He says I'm not that bad a dude and I agree as I hightail it to my hotel. I cannot find my hotel reservations so I call my travel agent to see.
Apparently the Wynn was not in my travel budget this year. I have come to find out I have been booked at Circus Circus, much to my chagrin. How bad could it be? I've stayed at the Wynn. I've stayed at Encore. I've stayed at the hotel that Elisabeth Shue's character got raped in in Leaving Las Vegas - but Circus Circus? Did I mention that I HATE CLOWNS? I HATE CLOWNS. Fuck.
I pull into the parking garage and the check in line resembles something straight out of the TSA line at Mccarran. 45 minutes to check in. The clerk is friendly and says he's also from Louisiana which is neat. He asks if I've stayed there before and I, being a connoisseur of old vegas history I decide to make a joke and I tell him the last time I was there, Jay Sarno owned the place. He got a laugh. I head up to my room and unpack. The lobby is clean as an old vegas casino can be, the room is clean and there's no way to plug anything in since the hotel predates personal electronic devices. I plug my phone into my external battery and collapse on the bed. I message Bart and chugbleach instead of falling asleep about show tomorrow and I offer to pick bart up early since there is no shuttle from the cosmo.
Tuesday, November 16th SHOT Show Day One
I awoke several hours later in a daze......the clock said 10AM. The show opened at 8:30. Fuck me to tears. I hurry up and get dressed and down to the sands convention center. The parking lot is FULL. The entire complex is a mess. When my man Steve Wynn built his joint he didn't build enough parking. So people would park at the Venetian and now FUCKING NOBODY CAN GET A PARKING SPACE. Holy shit. I eventually say fuck it and park over at the Wynn and walk over to the Sands. I meet up with a few of my regular suppliers and I see nothing interesting at all. Bart went to bed at 6AM after spending all night partying with his wife over at the palazzo. I joke and say that he just should have stayed there. Bart is amazed at the size of the show and we have lunch at the most disgusting place in las vegas - the convention center bistro snack bar. Bart is a wise man as he grabs a powerade and a fruit cup. I decide to try an "italian beef" and a fruit cup instead of fries to stay semi health conscious. The "italian beef" is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. It is flat out depressing. They give me fries with it and I demand a fruit cup. The sassy black woman working the stand asks me "DID YOU ASK FOR FRUIT? CAUSE RIGHT HERE SAYS FRIES" and I channel my inner Louis CK from the "this is how I talk" bit from SNL as I shoot back "WHY YOU FRONTIN ON ME I ASKED FOR FRUIT AND YOUR ASS BETTER BACK UP AND GET ME SOME FRUIT" so she goes back and gets me some fruit.
The "italian beef", my fruit cup, bart's fruit cup and powerade comes to $81. My platinum amex comes out and I treat bart to "lunch". We bullshit about guns and stuff in the Springfield booth as we wait at the world's worst concession stand. We eat and Bart is so hungover that he thinks he is in need of physical therapy and a wheelchair. There is no way he is going to party tonight before his trip home. Or so I think. Haha.
I meander around the show a bit more and I find this, the most USELESS PRODUCT OF 2017. It's made by a company called radetec.
http://imgur.com/a/GOiCB
It's a shot counter. For your gun.
A digital odometer, for your gun.
The only person that would buy this is the guy like my dad that kept a spiral bound notebook in his car where he documented how many miles he traveled per tank, gallons dispensed, PRICE, service station and whether they had a different price for cash/charge, oil consumption, tire rotations, alignments, all services - scheduled or otherwise, and a running odometer. Does anyone know the gun owner who asks for a round count when they are looking at a used gun? The question I always shoot back is "do you want to be lied at a little or do you want to be lied at a lot?" because that's what you're asking for when you ask for round count.
UNLESS YOU BUY THIS PRODUCT!
I roll my eyes so far back into my head that I nearly lose my balance. This is idiotic. I cannot fathom anyone willing to buy this. What a waste of perfectly good exhibition space.
Bart heads back to his hotel after visiting SHOT show for a few hours, not getting any swag and to get an IV of fluids since he looked like he was rapidly approaching grim death.
I wrap up visiting prime vendors and checking out the new products, or lack thereof because I have something on the schedule. At 4:30 there's a suicide prevention for retailers seminar hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. As many of you know this is an issue that is important to me and perhaps we as retailers should be doing more. The keynote was from their chief medical director talking about the accessibility of firearms and the mindset of the "typical" suicide. Mostly men. If you are a veteran you are at a significantly larger risk. The information was presented very not surprisingly and one of the things discussed was that we only spend around 21M a year on suicide prevention.
A few take away facts from the keynote:
When suicide barriers are put up on a bridge, suicide rates for the entire area drop. The key to preventing suicide is getting people to talk about their problems. Once you can get someone out of that mindset, they are statistically less likely to do it and live productive lives afterwards. There are certain terms that they are trying to get away from - for instance, they are not saying "committed suicide" they are now saying "died by suicide" in order to bring awareness and tell it like it is.
One thing that really was interesting to me was my reading on the flight in from Dallas. In The Tipping Point, Gladwell discusses how things stay the same and suddenly they all change. One of the things that he discusses is in micronesia - where teen suicide was practically unheard of became an outright epidemic. One teenager did it, for reasons passing understanding to me as an outsider and then all the other kids realized that they too could escape their pain by hanging themselves as well and suddenly the suicide rates in micronesia became so high to where it became a public health issue. I wish I could show you all the article I wrote on TTAG about my friend's death but it has been lost in the cloud and I am unable to find the last draft I sent to print, but it echoes some of the problems we have with suicide and mental health in the firearm industry.
After the keynote, the good doctor opened the floor up for questions. Her keynote posed a lot of statistics but not a lot of answers. I am a detail oriented granular data guy and I did not get a solid grasp of the AFSP solutions posed, if any.
Several firearm dealers discussed the lack of a cohesive solution and the takeaway was they're trying to develop awareness for the suicide problem. Their goal is to lower suicide rates but how they get there is yet to be determined. I didn't like hearing that and the comments from the crowd reflected the lack of a "here's what you can do TODAY to help this problem" part of the initiative.
Going around the room, one dealer who used NICS said that if a customer was just flat out acting funny - he'd lie to the customer and say there was a delay with NICS even though there was an approval just to get them to not be able to have a gun for a few days. The crowd applauded this initiative, however I'm not sure lying to customers is the best way to run a business and treat them with respect. Another dealer brought up an interesting point. When someone comes in looking to buy a gun and they don't know what kind of gun they want, what caliber, and are generally clueless - they're either buying a gun to kill themselves with, OR perhaps they are a very uneducated prospective customer - and there is no clear way of finding out which is which.
The problems presented by the AFSP are real. The solutions aren't there though. Yet. Ideally I'd like to see some change to that. However, there's some problems.
I hung around and asked the good doctor and her staff some questions and I am in no way denigrating her life's work and her dedication to preventing suicide since she has dedicated her life's work to the issue, but the conversation went something like this.
Did you do any research on the accessibility of firearms from a retailer from the legal standpoint?
"No, we haven't"
Do you know how the NICS or state POC background systems work in regard to mental health holds, etc?
"No"
One of the problems that I foresee right off the bat is that you talked about how you are fighting time, and if you can get someone out of that suicide mindset - even for a few hours, you can get them into that higher survival bracket. If we apply a one size fits all solution to it like California and put a 10 day wait on everything with the goal of protecting someone from their own life, how do we balance that with the needs of the woman who has been hiding from her abusive spouse and needs a gun right away?
"That's a good question that I don't have an answer for."
Their initiative, I admire - the lack of solutions is a little off putting however. I tell the doc about how my friend's suicide has impacted me and she seems to be sympathetic to the situation as does her colleagues. I am given her cards and told to call the next time I'm in New York so we can get together and discuss things within the industry. I'll give them a buzz in a few weeks when I'm up there on business. On my way out of the hall, I run into Massad Ayoob. Nice guy. I've admired his work over the years. Bart invites myself and chugbleach to dinner, I can't reach Chug and even though I am beat I decide to hang out with Bart and Mrs Bart
Bart: What do you want to eat?
FC: Let's find a nice seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon, I feel a powerful lust for red salmon.
I begin vomiting.
God damn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure?
We eventually head downstairs and order too much food. We are tired and not very hungry. Bart is still hungover and barely able to process food. His wife is grazing on all sorts of meat products. I am in awe of how they are both still upright after six nonstop nights of partying. I've only been here one day and I feel like I am about to die.
Dinner concludes with an awkward hug with bart's wife - I don't know how other men feel about wife hugs so I have just avoided the prospect entirely. Like flying through Denver on Frontier. Or flying on Frontier. Ever.
I drive over to the Wynn to set up my markers and the poker room is full. I draw a $2500 marker at the craps table and watch the game a bit. I have never played craps before in my life but the three people there seem to be having fun.
I look down at my phone and I realize a plane has landed. fluffy_butternut has landed in Las Vegas on business. I had lost a bet and offered to pick him up from the airport. I cash back in my chips against my casino credit and head back to my car. I cannot find my car. Fuck. I wander the wynn garage which is covered in construction debris. I eventually find it and haul ass to the airport. Now, I didn't know this but fluffy has the WORST SENSE OF DIRECTION AT ALL. Seriously. I have no idea how he even made it to the correct city. He lands and has to get his bag and stuff and I circle the airport. He lets me know he's at door 77 wherever the fuck that was. I drive into the pickup portion and I see no sign. He then says he's coming up a level, and I tell him that I'll be there shortly. I park the car and Metro PD starts yelling.
Metro: You can't park your car here.
FC: Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park?
Metro: Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk!
I give the man a $20 and tell him to keep it running as I wander Mccarran screaming FLUFFY! HERE FLUFFY! I message fluffy to let him know I am the car parked on the sidewalk. I instantly figure out who he is having never seen a photo of him and I throw his bags into the car as we head for his hotel. I haul ass out of the airport and get the A3 on the highway.
Now this was a superior machine. Thirty nine grand worth of gimmicks and high-priced special effects. The rear windows lit up with a touch like frogs in a dynamite pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand.
We check in at the Rio where the desk clerk is friendly and flirty. I express amazement there is no line. Fluffy checks in and we take his bags upstairs and he offers to buy me food for driving him to the airport. I decline. We head to the bar anyways. He orders two beers and we decide to call chug. He's staying out in Summerlin or something because his company is apparently run by cheapskates. He asks if we want to hang out and shoot the shit. I say sure and ask if he wants us to pick up food or anything from CVS or something since I have the car and I'm able to do anything I want. He asks for some toothpaste. No problem. I may be an asshole on the internet but I have a heart of gold. We get some toothpaste get to the hotel.
Arriving at the lobby, we have no idea where he is. It turns out he gave us the address for the hotel across the street. We laugh and go to that lobby and shoot the shit till 3AM much to the chagrin of the hotel clerk. Fluffy has some beers and we plan on dinner the next day. I drive fluffy back and arrive at the hotel at 4. Fuck me to tears.
Wednesday, January 18th. Day 2 of SHOT show.
Alarm goes off at 7:30 AM. I wash up, eat and get breakfast. In the garage by 8:15. Nice. I get some dillo dust and check out the new Sig 220 DA/SA and SAO legions. Daddy likey. I go to a competing firm and I piss of my state sales manager by telling him his newer designed triggers suck ass. He says the company tested them and they're the same in every way. I ask him why the triggers have two different part numbers in the catalog and how come they're not interchangeable and if that's really the case, how come there's X changes in the supposedly identical pistol parts that he's holding side by side. He gets mad at me and says I'm not an expert on their product and perhaps I should take his job since I'm so smart. I agree that I'm smart and I hold firm that if he didn't want me to complain about the shitty trigger, they should stop selling guns with shitty triggers. I am nearly kicked out of the booth.
I meet up with some of my wholesale reps and I'm mid convo when I see Itsgoodsoup and his friend walking around the show. I yell SOUP but he does not hear me. So I grab his friend and find him and I tell him we should get together at dinner with fluffy and chug. He agrees.
The show winds down, I get some business done and nothing much else. We break for a shitty gunnit live lite and I take a few questions from the crowd in fluffy's suite at the Rio. Dinner is at 8 and we arrive at the restaurant late to find soup and his friend sitting at one table and chug and his girlfriend sitting at another. Perhaps we should have gotten here a little earlier. Hahaha. So, fluffy said the place is really good and I order a few of the specialties of the house. Apparently according to yelp they do a kickass peking duck. Soon to be mrs chug is a vegan. But we can eat meat in front of her. I wonder how it's served and Soup's vancouver raised asian friend tells me that they normally carve it tableside. Our vegan says as long as there's no head she's cool. We're not sure if they can fulfill that request. So we order and food starts coming out and we tell tall tales of shot show BS and other stuff. Sure enough, the duck comes out with the head. No bueno. Haha. But I decide to treat us to vegan donuts at the vegan bakery across the street later. Seven courses later we are full. Vegan bakery closed. I am committed to getting her some vegan donuts though. We head to Fremont street to gamble. Fluffy wanders about and we try craps and we're not impressed. We hit some slots and eventually I hit the craps table where chug explains the game to me. We start betting on dice. And somehow we start winning. I find that the house allows you to take 10X behind the line. No idea what this means so I plop $5 on the pass line and the point hits 6. I drop $50 behind it and it hits. We go a few rounds and leave ahead. It's 2:30 AM. Fuck. I drive everyone back to their hotel. I get to sleep around 4.
Thursday, January 19th. Day 3 of SHOT show.
Wake up at 10AM feeling like crap. Debate whether to head straight to show and wander about. Fuck it. Went to halal guys for some halal. Delicious. Got vegan donuts. Dead drop them at the Palazzo lobby for chug and his girl. Show is a bust. Literally nothing exciting. Fluffy offers to buy me dinner. One of my customers who lives in Summerlin offers to take me to dinner. I pass on fluffy and he destroys the seafood buffet at the rio. I head to Sinatra at the Wynn for dinner with my customer. All good in the hood. Chug has been invited to the Glock dinneafter party and I'm not so we all go our separate ways. I call foghorn5950 and due to some weather, he's flying home early and our plans to hangout are fucked up unless I go tonight. I grab fluffy and we head to Whiskey Down. He orders a makers and I give him a funny look. I tell the waitress make it a bulleit. Everyone laughs. I talk shop with Jeremy also from TTAG and we shoot the shit over cigars and talk about useless products. Next thing we know, chug is out of the dinner and wandering the strip. We decide to meet up at the Linq. It takes us nearly 30 minutes to get out of Whiskey Down at MGM because the waitress was awful and messed up everyone's tab. It was a fucking disaster. To boot, MGM is now charging for parking.
FC: What a bunch of fucking jews
Fluff: You should just tailgate that lady in front of you out and screw them out of the $7
FC: I should
We pull behind her and watch as she gets flustered at the awful parking machine. Her nevada license plate says VETERAN. As the gate goes up we haul ass and screw MGM out of $7. I shout "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE" out the window as we blow right by her up to the Linq. Through fluffy's awful navigation, we wind up at the loading dock for the Linq. Eventually we find chug and gf hanging at the penny slots. They are holding vegan donuts, which she is very appreciative of. Least I could do after showing her the head. Fluffy plays the House of Cards slot machine.
He stuck $100 in, played for 6 minutes and then got really mad and hit the cash out button and $80 was left after 5 minutes.
ITS EXACTLY LIKE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!
Chug's gf asks to play a special slot machine called kitty glitter. We ask and the linq does not offer it but Harrahs next door does. So we head over there and the slot tech finds the kitty glitter machine. Fluffy sticks a C note in there and tells her to play and have a blast. So she's banging away at the one armed bandit WHEN SUDDENLY I HEAR THE SOUND.
It's PUTTIN ON THE RITZ in shitty .wav file internal speaker format. Hahah. She's just hit the progressive jackpot on the penny KITTY GLITTER machine. THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! We cash out after some play and a good time was had by all. I dump off fluffy at the rio since it was very close and drive everyone else back. It's late, I'm tired and the Palace Station oyster bar is open 24 hours......I head over there and there's a 45 minute wait.
So, I pull out my backup bankroll and using everything chug and fluffy have taught me about craps I belly up to the $3 min table where they let you take 10x behind the line. I'm still learning and the table is slow so one of the boxmen start explaining the game to me.
Box: So if you place the 6 or the 9 or individual numbers you can bet those but you gotta pay a little juice on it like a commission
Me: Like when you buy the hook?
short pause
Box: Yeah! Exactly like that! You got this!
So I played a little and went up a bit and down a bit. As you do. Plunked $5 down on the pass line and took full odds and the point hit. This game is pretty cool! So I hung around and watched for about an hour and finally decided to eat my winnings. I take $5 off my stack and, drop it on the pass line and announce dealer bet - $5 to pass. It hits. The dealers love me.
Maybe Vegas isn't so bad after all.
http://imgur.com/a/LGhDj
I have the pan roast at the oyster bar. No line. It is DELICIOUS. I get back to the hotel at 5AM. I don't care when I wake up.
Friday, January 20th. Day 4 of SHOT show.
Wake up around noon feeling like crap. Go to show. Debate destroying milk cart with wheels with an ax borrowed from fire station. Decide against it. Gas up car and find myself out by palace station again. Played some craps, hit the buffet and went for an early sleep.
It's midnight. The neighbors in my the hotel are having sex. A LOT OF SEX. I can hear everything. I gently knock on the door. No answer. I knock slightly harder. No answer. I head back to my room and close the door just as I hear their door open. I zoom back out to find a puzzled middle aged stocky and perhaps sticky Latino man looking both ways.
I get in his line of sight.
Me: Hey. I'm next door. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun. I get it. I really do. In fact I haven't had sex since the bush administration so I'm gunning for you man I really am. But it's midnight and I have a 6am flight and a rental car to return. So trust me when I say I'm really happy for you but if you don't mind I really need to get some sleep tonight okay?
The awkward silence is deafening. He nods without saying a word and mouths okay. I give him a manly nod and thumbs up.
Me: thanks. I'd shake your hand or fist bump but well you know.....
I give him a peace sign as he goes back into his little pleasure palace and I turn to realize that I have just locked myself out of my room. I am wearing boxers, a tshirt and barefoot. I head downstairs to the lobby. The check in at the front desk resembles the TSA line at Mccarran. Normally I would not be this rude but desperate times call for desperate measures.
The line is 50 people deep. I walk past every person. Fuck your queue. I approach the desk where someone is helping a guest and I raise my right hand as if I were in a deposition to get them to stop. The staff and guest looks puzzled as the angry barefoot man clad in nothing but boxers and a "uzi does it" tshirt approaches the desk.
Me: excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt. I have an emergency. I'm up on 8 and my neighbors are having a lot of sex. I mean a LOT of sex.
(This is the same front desk clerk who actually checked me in Monday night by coincidence looks back at me very awkwardly and puzzled.)
Me: this isn't your regular sex. I'm talking this is your (I begin air humping the front desk and slapping the granite counter with my palm and grunting loudly) sex. You could hear the plan B packaging open.
At this point - the ENTIRE FRONT DESK STAFF HAS STOPPED CHECKING IN GUESTS. The people in line and are watching the show. The clerk is stunned. Speechless. Shock and awed. Crapped out and busted. The women are covering their children's eyes and ears. The men are wondering if this show requires a 2 drink minimum.
Me: now I get this is Vegas. Everyone wants a good time. It's midnight. My flight leaves at 6 which means I have to be up by 4. And this just isn't working. So I asked them to keep it down and I locked myself out of my room. So if you can make me another key or move me I'd appreciate it.
The clerk nods.
Clerk: of course. may I see your ID?
Years of ballet have prepared me for this day. I step back to make sure my genitals are still ensconced in my boxers as I pirouette and gesticulate wildly.
Me: DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE ID?
The floor manager steps over and asks me to head down to the end of the desk where she will make me a key. I give her the room number and thank her after she offers to have security sent up to shutdown the best little whorehouse in Vegas. I tell her it may not be necessary. As I take my keys and walk away the people in line break out in raucous applause.
I take a bow and miraculously my boxer shorts don't rip. These people are my subjects and I have been crowned the the king of the three ring circus that is the circus circus lobby. Im offered a $1 tip from a kind soul but I decline.
My walk back to the hotel elevator bank is uneventful. So much so that I realize it is going too well. The other shoe, if I were wearing one felt as if it was about to drop. Suddenly a dumbass in a rascal scooter is heading toward me at flank speed as his head is turned to look at everyone BEHIND HIM. There's no way this will end well.
For you gentle readers joining us mid conversation - it's midnight and I need to be at the airport in 4.5 hours. I can just see it now. (Cue the harp noises)
Scene: Emergency room
Nurse: Allergic to anything? Me: NKDA Nurse: cause of injury? Me: what's the IC10 code for "run down by drunken buffoon on motorized wheelchair?"
I saw my life and confirmed upgraded first class seats home being given away by the Mccarran gate agent flash before my eyes and my catlike reflexes kicked in and I jumped to my left into the wall, mid 1960's Las Vegas union construction being the path of least resistance. Think "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner.
The buffoon barely realizes what happens. Children are amazed. "HEY MOM! Look! That guy just ran into a wall!"
Me: it was that OR GET RUN DOWN BY SOME JACKASS ON A GODDAMN SCOOTER GOING FULL SPEED DRIVING LIKE A....
I look down and a midwestern nuclear family with two children of formative age are waiting for the elevator. I change my last word.
Me: LUNATIC!
I look over to the parents.
Me: I'm really sorry. This is a family joint and I shouldn't have cursed the drunken scooter driver like that. Sorry kids.
Parent: no big deal. They've heard fucking worse.
I crack a smile at her word choice. Fucking worse. Yeah. That sounds like my evening.
After jumping into a wall, I'm now wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I make the plane and push on time. The 737 comes to a stop short of the runway and holds. Something is wrong. The pilots come on and say that they loaded more cargo and passengers than planned so they have to redo their numbers. We're waiting on the taxiway with both engines running as they do this and the waiting music comes on. What's the first song?
Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You"

As Christmas approaches, I thought it would be fun to offer some recommendations for things to buy as gifts for others or to ask for yourself. I've broken my recommendations down into categories - most of them are books, but I have a few other categories towards the bottom. Much of this is a repeat from last years guide, but there are plenty of new recommendations too. And yes, I've included books by people who go to my church or who used to sleep on top of me - it's not because I am biased, but because they are really good books! I tried to limit myself to five entries in each category, but in a few cases couldn't keep from giving more. I hope you find it helpful.

Contents:

1. New Books from 2017 on my Christmas List
2. Books Coming out in 2018 to Save Your Christmas Giftcards to Buy
3. More Books from 2017 That You Might Want
4. Introductions to Reformed Theology
5. Heavy Theology
6. Books for a Reformed Understanding of Economics
7. Books to Learn About Other Christian Traditions (Or Your Own)
8. Biographies of Theologians
9. Specific Topics
10. Zondervan's Counterpoints series
11. Speculative Fiction
12. Resources for Teaching Children About Jesus
13. Gadgets and Trinkets
14. Boardgames to Play with Small Children

New Books from 2017 on my Christmas List

• Awaiting the King: Reforming Public Theology by James K. A. Smith. Anything Jamie Smith writes is worth reading. Now the final volume of his Cultural Liturgies project comes at just the right time. This is my easily most anticipated book of the year.
  
• Sanctification by Michael Allen. According to Todd Pruitt, "We're hearing that it's the greatest work since the Bible." With a recommendation like that, how could you not wnat to reading this book?
  
• How to Think: A Survival Guide for a World at Odds by Alan Jacobs. In an increasingly partisan, post-truth world it is ever more important to think well. Jacobs, one of America's leading Christian intellectuals gives guidance to recover the lost art of thinking.
  
• Contours of the Kuyperian Tradition: A Systematic Introduction by Craig G. Bartholomew. This is, to my knowledge, the first comprehensive, English language survey of neo-Calvinism touching both on Kuyper himself and his heirs, from Bavink to Dooyeweerd to Wolters.
  
• The Messiah Comes to Middle-Earth: Images of Christ's Threefold Office in The Lord of the Rings by Philip Ryken. The title and author are self-recommending.
  

Books Coming out in 2018 to Save Your Christmas Giftcards to Buy

• Reformed Ethics: Created, Fallen, and Converted Humanity by Herman Bavinck.
  
• Remembrance, Communion, and Hope: Rediscovering the Gospel at the Lord's Table by J. Todd Billings.
  
• Love Thy Body: Answering Hard Questions about Life and Sexuality by Nancy R. Pearcey.
  
• All Things Hold Together in Christ: A Conversation on Faith, Science, and Virtue ed. by James K. A. Smith and Michael L. Gulker.
  
• Christian Hospitality and Muslim Immigration in an Age of Fear by Matthew Kaemingk.
  

Also, there's an as of yet untitled Russell Moore book coming in September.

More Books from 2017 You Might Want

None of these made my personal Christmas list, either because I've already read them or because there were just too many other things I wanted more. Still, I think all of these are worth reading.

• The Benedict Option: A Strategy for Christians in a Post-Christian Nation by Rod Dreher. The most talked about and important Christian book of 2017. If you haven't already read it, you should.
  
• Was the Reformation a Mistake?: Why Catholic Doctrine Is Not Unbiblical by Matthew Levering. This is, I think, the best contemporary Roman Catholic attempt at a defense against the objections of the Reformation. It is always worth hearing the best of what the other side has to say. Kevin VanHoozer's included response essay is worth the purchase price of the book alone too.
  
• The Vanishing American Adult: Our Coming-of-Age Crisis--and How to Rebuild a Culture of Self-Reliance by Ben Sasse. Sasse is the politician that gives me hope for America's political future. I wasn't completely convinced by this book, but it is worth reading.
  
• The Triune God by Fred Sanders. The New Studies in Dogmatics series seeks to "offer concise, focused treatments of major topics in dogmatic theology that fill the gap between introductory theology textbooks and advanced theological monographs." So far it seems to be off to a fantastic start.
  
• Evolution and the Fall ed by James K. A. Smith and William T. Cavanaugh. An interdisciplinary group of scholars seek to engage with difficult questions on human origins. There aren't any easy answers in this book, but rather faithful attempts to engage with the conversation
  

Introductions to Reformed Theology

• Letters to a Young Calvinist: An Invitation to the Reformed Tradition by Jamie Smith. Have you or someone you love one caught the cage stage? Here's the antidote. a quick easy read best digested in small parts. It does a great job of providing an overview of the Reformed tradition that is accessible, theological, and pastoral. It's aimed at those who have a 'come-to-Calvin' moment from within other theological traditions (Smith was Pentecostal), but would benefit everyone.
  
• Chosen by God by R.C. Sproul. This is the book that made me a Calvinist. Best explanation and defense of TULIP out there. Have members wondering how anyone could believe in TULIP? Give them this book.
  
• Calvinism in the Las Vegas Airport: Making Connections in Today's World by Richard Mouw. Another book focused on TULIP. This one's goal is to show how the doctrines of Grace affect the way we live out our lives and correcting common misunderstandings about Calvinism.
  
• Reformed: What It Means, Why It Matters by Bob DeMoor. This is more of a booklet that a full book. It'd be a great option for a newcomers class at church.
  
• Reformed Theology by Michael Allen. This is higher level that the others (think 101 College level), but very good. If you want a book that covers the breadth of Reformed Theology at a deep level than Smith or DeMoor, this is for you.
  

Heavy Theology

• Reformed Catholicity: The Promise of Retrieval for Theology and Biblical Interpretation by Michael Allen and Scott Swain. This book is a clarion call: “to be Reformed means to go deeper into true catholicity, not to move away from catholicity.” A must read.
  
• Christian Dogmatics: Reformed Theology for the Church Catholic ed. by Allen and Swain. Building on the themes of Reformed Catholicity, this multi-author collections lays out dogmatic theology that is both catholic and Reformed. Many of the heavy hitters of Reformed Theology contribute. As with most multi-author volumes, some chapters are better than others.
  
• Karl Barth's Church Dogmatics: An Introduction and Reader by Michael Allen. Karl Barth is the most influential theologian of the past century, but is quite difficult to engage. This reader is the gentlest introduction.
  
• Reformed Dogmatics (Abridged) by Herman Bavink. My appreciation for Bavink grows every time I read him. This abridged version is much cheaper and more accessible than the full four-volume edition, but if you have the budget and patience go ahead and get the whole enchillada instead.
  
• Calvin: Institutes of the Christian Religion by John Calvin. This one needs to explanation. Get this one if you want to splurge for a nice reference edition, the Beveridge Translation is available for much less (and free online).
  

Books for a Reformed Understanding of Economics

• Economic Shalom: A Reformed Primer on Faith, Work, and Human Flourishing by John Bolt. Bolt's perspective is as a theologian, not an Economist, but the book is quite good.
  
• Economics in Christian Perspective: Theory, Policy and Life Choices by Victor V. Claar and Robin J. Klay. Claar and Klay are both Economists so this book is a really good complement to Economic Shalom.
  
• Bob Goudzwaard's Capitalism and Progress: A Diagnosis of Western Society is a classic work. It's a bit dated, and I actually disagree with most of what he has to say, but its well worth reading and wrestling with (do read Claar and Klay first though).
  
• I'd also recommend "Are Economists Basically Immoral?": and Other Essays on Economics, Ethics, and Religion by Paul Heyne. Heyne wasn't Reformed (he was an ordained Lutheran minister who spent his life teaching economics) but he's one of the clearest expositors of economic principles in the last 50 years and a trained theologian to boot. Free and legal pdf available here.
  
• To have a Christian understanding of Economics, one must have a good grasp of Economics. The most accessible mass-market books are The Undercover Economist (Microeconomics) and The Undercover Economist Strikes Back (Macroeconomics). There's also a lot to be said for a good intro textbook. There are many out there, most more or less the same. I use Mankiw in my classes, Taylor is a good open source option.
  

I'm happy to offer suggestions for more accessible, general interest economics books if there is interest.

Books to Learn About Other Christian Traditions (Or Your Own)

The first two are moer theological, the last three more historical. All are written sympatherically. With the exception of the Presbyterians all of the authors have a background in the respective churches.

• Lutherans: Spirituality of the Cross by Gene Edwards Veith Jr.
• Anglicans: Evangelicals on the Canterbury Trail: Why Evangelicals Are Attracted to the Liturgical Church - Revised Edition Paperback by Robert E. Webber and‎ Lester Ruth.
• Restorationists (Stone-Campbell): Reviving the Ancient Faith: The Story of Churches of Christ in America by Richard T. Hughes
• Baptists: Baptists in America: A History by Thomas S. Kidd and Barry Hankins
• Presbyterians: The Presbyterians by Randall Balmer and‎ John Fitzmier

Biographies of Theologians

• Jonathan Edwards: A Life by George Marsden. This just may be the best religious biography ever written. Read it.
  
• Here I Stand: A Life of Martin Lutherby Roland H. Bainton. The classic work on Luther's life. The 500th anniversary of the 95 thesis is the perfect time to read it.
  
• Augustine of Hippo: A Biography by Peter Brown. Another classic. If Marsden's book on Edwards isn't the best, it's this one by Brown.
  
• Abraham Kuyper: Modern Calvinist, Christian Democrat by James D. Bratt and Abraham Kuyper: A Short and Personal Introduction by Richard J. Mouw. Bratt is the first full length English biography of Kuyper and the best option for a detailed understanding of Kuyper and his context. It does assume some familiarity with Kuyper's idea's so if you are starting from scratch you might consider reading Mouw's shorter book first. Both recommended.
  
• Calvin by F. Bruce Gordon. The definitive biography of the most influential Reformed theologian.
  

Specific Topics

• Not the Way It's Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin by Cornelius Plantinga. Winner of the Christianity Today's Book of the Year for 1996, this is an excellent treatment of a topic many churches discuss too infrequently. Describing sin as "vandalism of God's perfect created order" this is a very thought provoking book.
  
• Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality by Wesley Hill. Wes is a celibate, gay man with a traditional understanding of Christian sexual ethics. He also teaches New Testament at Trinity School for Ministry and is a personal friend from college. This book mixes recollections of his own experiences with those of others struggling to understand what it means to be faithful to God while experiencing same-sex attraction. An important read for everyone, gay or straight.
  
• Rejoicing in Lament: Wrestling with Incurable Cancer and Life in Christ by J. Todd Billings. A heartfelt book by a fantastic Reformed theologian with incurable cancer. Great resource for those suffering and asking why?
  
• When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor . . . and Yourself by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert. A great resource for understanding the unique challenges of poverty and how we can fulfill the biblical mandate to care for the poor without inadvertently causing harm instead.
  
• The Lost World of Genesis One: Ancient Cosmology and the Origins Debate by John Walton. A fantastic examination of the first few chapters of Genesis by the foremost Evangelical scholar of the Ancient Near East. The goal is try to understand what Genesis said to it's original audience.
  

Zondervan's Counterpoints series

Is my go-to for a balanced overview on controversial topics. I've yet to be disappointed. The basic idea is that 3-5 authors write a short essay presenting their position. The other authors then write a brief response. You get both a defense of each position along with multiple critiques in a small book. Some favorites:

• Five Views On Biblical Inerrancy - this one is my favorite of the bunch. All five authors are reformed ("n a broader understanding of the term."
  
• Five Views on the Church and Politics - more relevant than ever. You get separatist, Lutheran two kingdoms, Catholic, Reformed, and Black church perspectives. Jamie Smith gives the Reformed position.
  
• Two Views on Homosexuality, the Bible, and the Church - great respectful engagement from four scholars, all with a high view of the authority of scripture.
  
• Are Miraculous Gifts for Today? - you get Reformed perspectives on both sides (Richard Gaffin and Sam Storms) along with a dispensational and pentecostal perspective. As usually happens on this issue Storms makes me rather uncomfortable with full cessationism, but falls short of convincing me.
  
• Two Views on Women in Ministry - good balanced introduction on an issue that far too often one side characatures the other.
  

Speculative Fiction

I assume everyone reading this list has read The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia. If not, add those to the list.

• The Space Trilogy - C.S. Lewis. Underappreciated works by Lewis - in many ways Narnia for adults. These books are a work of supposition. What if there is intelligent life on other planets that has not fallen into sin? What would that look like?
• Watership Down - Richard Adams. This is a book about rabbits. Not anthropomorphized rabbits, but rabbit rabbits with their own language and mythology, who care about and experience the things rabbits experience. It doesn't sound like it should work, but it is utterly captivating.
• Dune - Frank Herbert. A captivating epic in a richly detailed universe. Themes of politics, religion, and technology iterweve in a fascinating tale.
• Ender's Game, Speaker for the Dead, and Xenocide - Orson Scott Card. The tale of a child trained to be the commander of earth's defenses against alien bugs. The sequels feature the same character but in an utterly different tale. The books are very different but both one of my favorites. The recent movie didn't do it justice.
• The Moon is a Harsh Mistress - Robert A. Heinlein. Heinlein is a genius, but his books often disappoint me halfway through. This one doesn't. My favorite of his works.
• The Mote In God's Eye - Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. After colonizing the hundreds of stars, mankind finally makes contact with an intelligent alien race for the first time. They are utterly foreign and seemingly benign, but with a dangerous secret.

Resources for Teaching Children About Jesus

• The Jesus Storybook Bible - does a great job of teaching Bible stories as a unified story of redemption and not just moral fables. About 30 or so stories.
  
• The Story Bible - Best job I know of retaining the biblical wording in simplied form. More than any other children's Bible, this one sounds like the Bible. About 150 stories, great illustrations. Excerpt
  
• What's In the Bible? DVD series that shows how the whole bible fits together to tell the gospel story. Absolutely fantastic. Most adults in the church would learn many things from watching it. Here's a 1 minute introduction video.
  
• A catechism for young children - a simplified version of the Westminster Shorter catechism. Even young kids can memorize a bunch. Depending on how close to her second/third birthday your daughter is, she may not be there yet, but she will get there soon. Both of my kids also know the Lord's Prayer and the Apostle's Creed.
  
• Sing the Bible with Slugs & Bugs. There are a lot of good Bible song collections out there, but this one is the best. Lyrics are mostly straight from scripture. Quirky and catchy so that kids will learn the songs within a play or two, but grownups can tolerate (even enjoy) repeated plays. Also contains the only children's song version of [Deuteronomy 14:21].
  

Gadgets and Trinkets

• This Beer Wine Glass Mug for all your beer wine needs.
  
• This Bluetooth OBDII Scan Tool. Connect your phone to your car to check and reset engine codes, get real-time performance data, etc.
  
• Anker portable power banck a lifesaver when you forget to charge your phone overnight or it runs low before the day is done.
  
• OontZ Angle Portable Bluetooth Speaker stream music from your phone anywhere - the kitchen, backyard, etc.
  
• Republic Wireless cell phones - no contract cell phones that use wifi for data and calling whenever possible for great savings. Refunds for any unused cellular data. Usable with any android device. I keep cellular data turned off most of the time and end up paying about $14.00 a month.
  

Boardgames to play with small Children

I really enjoy playing modern boardgames, but most of my chances to play are with my family. These are ones that have worked well with my kids starting at age five or so (with adaptations in some cases). I can offer more recommendations for adults too if anyone is interested. Boardgamegeek.com links.

• 7 Wonders Duel - A two player card drafting game to build your ancient civilization. This one is probably best for older kids, but my seven year old daughter has loved playing it with me. Easily our most played game of the past year.
• Santorini - An absolutely gorgeous game with very simple rules where you build a Greek city and try to climb to the top of one of the buildings. Both my five and seven year grasp the rules quite well, but the strategy goes a bit over their heads sometimes. They still beg to play it constantly though.
• Sushi Go - a fast, card drafting game. Easy to explain, great artwork. This one comes out at almost every extended family gathering.
• Forbidden Island - a cooperative game where players race to collect treasures from a sinking island. Each player has their own special ability. Very balanced with lots of good tension. On the easiest setting, my kids and I almost always win, but also almost always feel like we almost lost.
• Flashpoint: Fire Rescue - another cooperative game with the theme of firefighters rescuing victims from a burning building. It comes with a family and advanced mode, we usually play the advanced one.
• Labyrinth - a (very) competitive game where players navigate a labrynth to collect treasures. The twist is that each turn players change the maze. We modify this one by allowing my kids to hold three treasure cards at a time instead of one and by giving occasional hints. This game could be very cutthroat, but we play nice.
• The Hare & the Tortoise a childrens game based on a classic fable that is still fun for adults. Players play cards from their hand to try to get their chosen character to win the race. But, cards for each character have different effects and other players may or may not have the same characters as you. Lots of fun, might be a bit too close to gambling for some.
• Dino Hunt Dice - a push your luck dice game where players try to collect as many dinos as possible by rolling and re-rolling dice. But, roll three dinosaur footprints and you are "stomped" and lose all the dinos you have collected that round. Lots of fun and easy enough a three year old can play and enjoy. Good intuitive introduction to probability & expected value too.

As Christmas approaches, I thought it would be fun to offer some recommendations for things to buy as gifts for others or to ask for yourself. I've broken my recommendations down into categories - most of them are books, but I have a few other categories towards the bottom. I tried to limit myself to five entries in each category, but in a few cases couldn't keep from giving more. I've recommended many of these before, but many others are new recommendations. I hope you find it helpful.

Contents:

1. Introductions to Reformed Theology
2. Heavy Theology
3. Books for a Reformed Understanding of Economics
4. Biographies of Theologians
5. Selected Topics
6. Zondervan's Counterpoints series
7. Speculative Fiction
8. Books From 2016 I Haven't Yet Read
9. Books Coming out in 2017 to Save Your Christmas Giftcards to Buy
10. Resources for Teaching Children About Jesus
11. Gadgets and trinkets
12. Boardgames to Play with Small Children

1. Introductions to Reformed Theology

• Letters to a Young Calvinist: An Invitation to the Reformed Tradition by Jamie Smith. Have you or someone you love one caught the cage stage? Here's the antidote. a quick easy read best digested in small parts. It does a great job of providing an overview of the Reformed tradition that is accessible, theological, and pastoral. It's aimed at those who have a 'come-to-Calvin' moment from within other theological traditions (Smith was pentecostal), but would benefit everyone.
  
• Chosen by God by R.C. Sproul. This is the book that made me a Calvinist. Best explanation and defense of TULIP out there. Have members wondering how anyone could believe in TULIP? Give them this book.
  
• Calvinism in the Las Vegas Airport: Making Connections in Today's World by Richard Mouw. Another book focused on TULIP. This one's goal is to show how the doctrines of Grace affect the way we live out our lives and correcting common misunderstandings about Calvinism.
  
• Reformed: What It Means, Why It Matters by Bob DeMoor. This is more of a booklet that a full book. It'd be a great option for a newcomers class at church.
  
• Reformed Theology by Michael Allen. This is higher level that the others (think 101 College level), but very good. If you want a book that covers the breadth of Reformed Theology at a deep level than Smith or DeMoor, this is for you.
  

2. Heavy Theology

• Reformed Catholicity: The Promise of Retrieval for Theology and Biblical Interpretation by Michael Allen and Scott Swain. This book is a clarion call: “to be Reformed means to go deeper into true catholicity, not to move away from catholicity.” A must read.
  
• Christian Dogmatics: Reformed Theology for the Church Catholic ed. by Allen and Swain. Building on the themes of Reformed Catholicity, this multi-author collections lays out dogmatic theology that is both catholic and Reformed. Many of the heavy hitters of Reformed Theology contribute. As with most multi-author volumes, some chapters are better than others, but it was still the best theology book I read this year.
  
• Karl Barth's Church Dogmatics: An Introduction and Reader by Michael Allen. Karl Barth is the most influential theologian of the past century, but is quite difficult to engage. This reader is the gentlest introduction.
  
• Reformed Dogmatics (Abridged) by Herman Bavink. My appreciation for Bavink grows every time I read him. This abridged version is much cheaper and more accessible than the full four volume edition.
  
• Calvin: Institutes of the Christian Religion by John Calvin. This one needs to explanation. Get this one if you want to splurge for a nice reference edition, the Beveridge Translation is available for much less (and free online).
  

3. Books for a Reformed Understanding of Economics

• Economic Shalom: A Reformed Primer on Faith, Work, and Human Flourishing by John Bolt. Bolt's perspective is as a theologian, not an Economist, but the book is quite good.
  
• Economics in Christian Perspective: Theory, Policy and Life Choices by Victor V. Claar and Robin J. Klay. Claar and Klay are both Economists so this book is a really good complement to Economic Shalom.
  
• Bob Goudzwaard's Capitalism and Progress: A Diagnosis of Western Society is a classic work. It's a bit dated, and I actually disagree with most of what he has to say, but its well worth reading and wrestling with (do read Claar and Klay first though).
  
• I'd also recommend "Are Economists Basically Immoral?": and Other Essays on Economics, Ethics, and Religion by Paul Heyne. Heyne wasn't Reformed (he was an ordained Lutheran minister who spent his life teaching economics) but he's one of the clearest expositors of economic principles in the last 50 years and a trained theologian to boot. Free and legal pdf available here.
  
• To have a Christian understanding of Economics, one must have a good grasp of Economics. The most accessible mass-market books are The Undercover Economist (Microeconomics) and The Undercover Economist Strikes Back (Macroeconomics). There's also a lot to be said for a good intro textbook. There are many out there, most more or less the same. I use Mankiw in my classes, Taylor is a good open source option.
  

I'm happy to offer suggestions for more accessible, general interest economics books if there is interest.

4. Biographies of Theologians

• Jonathan Edwards: A Life by George Marsden. This just may be the best religious biography ever written. Read it.
  
• Here I Stand: A Life of Martin Lutherby Roland H. Bainton. The classic work on Luther's life. The 500th anniversary of the 95 thesis is the perfect time to read it.
  
• Augustine of Hippo: A Biography by Peter Brown. Another classic. If Marsden's book on Edwards isn't the best, it's this one by Brown.
  
• Abraham Kuyper: Modern Calvinist, Christian Democrat by James D. Bratt and Abraham Kuyper: A Short and Personal Introduction by Richard J. Mouw. Bratt is the first full length English biography of Kuyper and the best option for a detailed understanding of Kuyper and his context. It does assume some familiarity with Kuyper's idea's so if you are starting from scratch you might consider reading Mouw's shorter book first. Both recommended.
  
• Calvin by F. Bruce Gordon. The definitive biography of the most influential Reformed theologian.
  

5. Selected Topics

• Not the Way It's Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin by Cornelius Plantinga. Winner of the Christianity Today's Book of the Year for 1996, this is an excellent treatment of a topic many churches discuss too infrequently. Describing sin as "vandalism of God's perfect created order" this is a very thought provoking book.
  
• Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality by Wesley Hill. Wes is a celibate, gay man with a traditional understanding of Christian sexual ethics. He also teaches New Testament at Trinity School for Ministry and is a personal friend from college. This book mixes recollections of his own experiences with those of others struggling to understand what it means to be faithful to God while experiencing same-sex attraction. An important read for everyone, gay or straight.
  
• Rejoicing in Lament: Wrestling with Incurable Cancer and Life in Christ by J. Todd Billings. A heartfelt book by a fantastic Reformed theologian with incurable cancer. Great resource for those suffering and asking why?
  
• When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor . . . and Yourself by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert. A great resource for understanding the unique challenges of poverty and how we can fulfill the biblical mandate to care for the poor without inadvertently causing harm instead.
  
• The Lost World of Genesis One: Ancient Cosmology and the Origins Debate by John Walton. A fantastic examination of the first few chapters of Genesis by the foremost Evangelical scholar of the Ancient Near East. The goal is try to understand what Genesis said to it's original audience.
  

6. Zondervan's Counterpoints series

Is my go-to for a balanced overview on controversial topics. I've yet to be disappointed. The basic idea is that 3-5 authors write a short essay presenting their position. The other authors then write a brief response. You get both a defense of each position along with multiple critiques in a small book. Some favorites:

• Five Views On Biblical Inerrancy - this one is my favorite of the bunch. All five authors are reformed ("n a broader understanding of the term."
  
• Five Views on the Church and Politics - more relevant than ever. You get separatist, Lutheran two kingdoms, Catholic, Reformed, and Black church perspectives. Jamie Smith gives the Reformed position.
  
• Two Views on Homosexuality, the Bible, and the Church - great respectful engagement from four scholars, all with a high view of the authority of scripture.
  
• Are Miraculous Gifts for Today? - you get Reformed perspectives on both sides (Richard Gaffin and Sam Storms) along with a dispensational and pentecostal perspective. As usually happens on this issue Storms makes me rather uncomfortable with full cessationism, but falls short of convincing me.
  
• Two Views on Women in Ministry - good balanced introduction on an issue that far too often one side characatures the other.
  

7. Speculative Fiction

I assume everyone reading this list has read The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia. If not, add those to the top list.

• The Space Trilogy - C.S. Lewis. Underappreciated works by Lewis - in many ways Narnia for adults. These books are a work of supposition. What if there is intelligent life on other planets that has not fallen into sin? What would that look like?
• Watership Down - Richard Adams. This is a book about rabbits. Not anthropomorphized rabbits, but rabbit rabbits with their own language and mythology, who care about and experience the things rabbits experience. It doesn't sound like it should work, but it is utterly captivating.
• Dune - Frank Herbert. A captivating epic in a richly detailed universe. Themes of politics, religion, and technology iterweve in a fascinating tale.
• Ender's Game, Speaker for the Dead, and Xenocide - Orson Scott Card. The tale of a child trained to be the commander of earth's defenses against alien bugs. The sequels feature the same character but in an utterly different tale. The books are very different but both one of my favorites. The recent movie didn't do it justice.
• The Moon is a Harsh Mistress - Robert A. Heinlein. Heinlein is a genius, but his books often disappoint me halfway through. This one doesn't. My favorite of his works.
• The Mote In God's Eye - Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. After colonizing the hundreds of stars, mankind finally makes contact with an intelligent alien race for the first time. They are utterly foreign and seemingly benign, but with a dangerous secret.

8. Books From 2016 I Haven't Yet Read

Since I've not read any of them yet, no annotations. Suffice to say that some combination of the author, title and subject pique my interest.

• Biblical Authority after Babel: Retrieving the Solas in the Spirit of Mere Protestant Christianity by Kevin VanHoozer.
  
• Saving Calvinism: Expanding the Reformed Tradition by Oliver D. Crisp
  
• You Are What You Love: The Spiritual Power of Habit Hardcover by James K. A. Smith
  
• Why the Reformation Still Matters by Michael Reeves and Tim Chester
  
• The Legacy of Luther ed. by R.C. Sproul and Stephen J. Nichols
  

9. Books Coming out in 2017 to Save Your Christmas Giftcards to Buy

Since I've not read any of them yet, no annotations. Suffice to say that some combination of the author, title and subject pique my interest.

• Evolution and the Fall James K. A. Smith and William T. Cavanaugh
  
• Reformation Anglicanism Vol. 1
  
• Grace Alone---Salvation as a Gift of God: What the Reformers Taught...and Why It Still Matters by Carl Trueman
  
• The Cabinet-Making Theologian by Bradley S. Mason
  
• Reformation Theology: A Systematic Summary Hardcover ed. by Matthew Barrett
  
• Contours of the Kuyperian Tradition: A Systematic Introduction by Craig G. Bartholomew.
  

10. Resources for Teaching Children About Jesus

• The Jesus Storybook Bible - does a great job of teaching Bible stories as a unified story of redemption and not just moral fables. About 30 or so stories.
  
• The Story Bible - Best job I know of retaining the biblical wording in simplied form. More than any other children's Bible, this one sounds like the Bible. About 150 stories, great illustrations. Excerpt
  
• What's In the Bible? DVD series that shows how the whole bible fits together to tell the gospel story. Absolutely fantastic. Most adults in the church would learn many things from watching it. Here's a 1 minute introduction video.
  
• A catechism for young children - a simplified version of the Westminster Shorter catechism. Even young kids can memorize a bunch. Depending on how close to her second/third birthday your daughter is, she may not be there yet, but she will get there soon. Both of my kids also know the Lord's Prayer and the Apostle's Creed.
  
• Sing the Bible with Slugs & Bugs. There are a lot of good Bible song collections out there, but this one is the best. Lyrics are mostly straight from scripture. Quirky and catchy so that kids will learn the songs within a play or two, but grownups can tolerate (even enjoy) repeated plays. Also contains the only children's song version of [Deuteronomy 14:21].
  

11. Gadgets and Trinkets

• This Bluetooth OBDII Scan Tool. Connect your phone to your car to check and reset engine codes, get real-time performance data, etc. Pays for itself the first time your check engine light comes on.
  
• Anker portable power bank a lifesaver when you forget to charge your phone overnight or it runs low before the day is done.
  
• This Beer Wine Glass Mug for all your beer wine needs.
  
• OontZ Angle Portable Bluetooth Speaker stream music from your phone anywhere - the kitchen, backyard, etc.
  
• Republic Wireless cell phones - no contract cell phones that use wifi for data and calling whenever possible for great savings. Refunds for any unused cellular data. Usable with any android device. I keep cellular data turned off most of the time and end up paying about $14.00 a month.
  

12. Boardgames to play with small Children

I really enjoy playing modern boardgames, but most of my chances to play are with my family. These are ones that have worked well with my daughter starting at age five or so (with adaptations in some cases). I can offer more recommendations for adults too if anyone is interested. Boardgamegeek.com links.

• Sushi Go - a fast, card drafting game. Easy to explain, great artwork. This one comes out at almost every extended family gathering.
• Forbidden Island - a cooperative game where players race to cllect treasures from a sinking island. Each player has their own special ability. Very balanced with lots of good tension. On the easiest setting, my kids and I almost always win, but also almost always feel like we almost lost.
• Flashpoint: Fire Rescue - another cooperative game with the theme of firefighters rescuing victims from a burning building. It comes with a family and advanced mode, we usually play the advanced one.
• Labyrinth - a (very) competitive game where players navigate a labrynth to collect treasures. The twist is that each turn players change the maze. We modify this one by allowing my kids to hold three treasure cards at a time instead of one and by giving occasional hints. This game could be very cutthroat, but we play nice.
• The Hare & the Tortoise a childrens game based on a classic fable that is still fun for adults. Players play cards from their hand to try to get their chosen character to win the race. But, cards for each character have different effects and other players may or may not have the same characters as you. Lots of fun, might be a bit too close to gambling for some.
• Dino Hunt Dice - a push your luck dice game where players try to collect as many dinos as possible by rolling and re-rolling dice. But, roll three dinosaur footprints and you are "stomped" and lose all the dinos you have collected that round. Lots of fun and easy enough a three year old can play and enjoy. Good intuitive introduction to probability & expected value too.