Book 1 of The HEL Jumper
Year 2 of The HEL Jumper
Year 3 of The HEL Jumper
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“You alright? Physically, I mean,” Russell asked as he and Thantis returned to the village alone on the shuttle that had brought them to the Forge. “The old ticker’s not going to give out or anything?”
Thantis blinked a couple times as he extracted himself from the depths of whatever train of thought had occupied him for some time. Needless to say, the trip back had not featured lighthearted education regarding the nature of Mara’s core. “It was certainly a stressful situation, wasn’t it? I thank you for doing all of the heavy lifting, Winters.” He left out the fact that they both knew he’d have been left behind otherwise.
“Don’t mention it. That’s literally the sort of thing I trained to do and you’re lighter than a fellow soldier. Would have been really nice to stick around and take a dip in the hot springs, but something tells me that goes against the new ‘don’t interfere with the planet’ policy.”
‘Not that you didn’t enjoy them to your fullest before the rest of the crew got here,’ Io reminded him with a pointed gaze. Russell cleared his throat and let that particular memory lay dormant.
“A day of rest will be more than enough. But you’re sure everything’s alright on the inside, Thantis?”
“You are kind to ask, Winters. Thankfully, my difficulties at the moment remain in the realm of the mental and spiritual. Much happened that I am having difficulty making sense of.”
“You’re not the only one,” Russell assured him as the shuttle shuddered almost imperceptibly, a friendly reminder that they were traveling through air instead of gliding through space. “At least we didn’t break the place.”
‘On the outside, you mean,’ Io clarified in an agitated tone. She was equally as upset about the day’s events as Thantis. ‘We have no idea if anything is left standing on the inside, not to mention that the robot will likely never re-activate even if the facility didn’t self-destruct or otherwise dangerously terminate its own functions. This is the worst day for science since the Lancer was lost. And that was a very bad day for science!’
“You mean other than the fact that we can get home and tell the rest of humanity what happened here, along with everything else we’ve discovered?” Russell observed sharply. “Let a team of archaeologists deal with it. Later.”
Io, who was using the B-MASS in order to be present for both Winters and Thantis, looked to the side and let out a long breath, acknowledging that the current moment might not have been the best time. ‘Yes, later is a good idea, sir. I think we should all give thanks that we will not be giving Veera or Gentia any reason to weep this evening.’
Russell and Thantis shared a look, agreeing that even if Io’s words were true, that wouldn’t be the end of it. The Jumper cleared his throat. “Yeah, no tears. But that doesn’t mean she won’t be mad as hell.”
“You are forgetting a healthy helping of ‘I told you so’,” Thantis added, finally allowing a real smile to shine through the clouds of his tested faith. “A word of advice, Winters?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Cave early and cave often,” the Cauthan said with a wink, giving Russell a hearty chuckle as Io nodded approvingly. “Among other things, I find that’s been a constructive cornerstone of my long life with Gentia.”
‘While I’m very much in agreement regarding the capitulation to the needs and wants of the important women in one’s life,’ Io began, batting her eyelashes at Russell as though he needed some sort of reminder that she was such a woman. ‘Gentia and Veera may need to wait. I just received word from the Admiral, sir. He’s on his way to the village and intends to meet us there.’
“For what purpose?” Winters asked curiously. Io made a little show of opening a letter and reading the message within.
‘In his words? Examining primary sources.’
-----
True to his word, Natori was there to greet them when Russell and Thantis’ shuttle set down just outside the western gates. Thanks to his arrival there was already plenty of commotion, adding to the hectic Cauthan harvest season as males and females both hustled to and fro in the fields, plucking ripened produce just before the point of spoilage. The tall, ebony skinned human offered his hand to Thantis as the shuttle’s doors opened upward with an audible hiss. “I am glad to see you are well, my friend. Would you believe that our esteemed colleague Qul’Roth sends his regards and wishes you ‘good health in the name of the Order’?”
‘I wouldn’t,’ Io replied immediately, nevertheless allowing Thantis to answer on his own.
“That is very kind of him. If you would convey my thanks when you return?”
“Happily, Thantis. It sounds to me as though the two of you had quite the little adventure. Lieutenant,” the Admiral addressed Russell and the two men exchanged salutes.
“That’s certainly one way of putting it, sir. What can we do for you?” he asked, waving to a villager who called out in greeting as he passed, a wooden tool for unearthing dato in his paws.
“I believe we speak to Antoth first. I admit that I may have spooked him a little by returning to the village so soon after my last departure. All that I could tell him was that something unexpected happened at the Forge, but that the two of you were unharmed. While I wait on the lead researchers and Lance Corporal Mendes to pen their official reports, I figured it might be wise to hear of events the old fashioned way. Shall we?” he suggested, sweeping an arm behind him towards the village. A particular striped Cauthan was, of course, awaiting them there. She was not pleased.
“Ah, perhaps an explanation for your wife is in order too?” Natori suggested, understanding that his presence was likely a significant contributor to Veera’s serious demeanor.
“If it’s the same to you Admiral, I think it’s best I handle this alone,” Russell replied, leaving Thantis’ side and walking up to Veera. She tilted her head slightly to maintain eye contact, her expression one of expectation as she waited for him to begin. “Listen Veera, I know it looks bad but-”
“Did you know that Fenrir’s figured out where all of the meat is stored?” she demanded suddenly, causing Russell to stick his neck out and cock his head in confusion.
“I’m sorry, he what?”
“He found me on patrol this afternoon with a chesko sausage hanging from his mouth and a very pleased expression on his face,” Veera explained, a hand on her hip. “I had to go to the temple of Valta and compensate them!”
“Oh boy. I’m sure Ratha was thrilled,” Russell responded, a nervous pit in his stomach as he considered how much mayhem Fenrir could get up to.
“She’s going to kill him if this continues!” Veera insisted. “Just please tell me you didn’t teach him to do this!”
“Why would I teach Fenrir to steal meat from the one place in town that would get him riddled with arrows?!” Russell demanded, feeling he had some small, slight justification for taking offense.
“Because sometimes you do silly things!” Veera replied as though it were obvious before visibly deflating. “We have to do something, Russell.”
“We will, sweetie. We’ll give him a bit more food at meals and maybe see about keeping some sort of muzzle on him when he’s around town. I can take him hunting again soon too,” the human suggested, silently forgiving his wife her mild hysteria. Ratha’s opinions regarding Veera and hyrven were both well known. His proposal mollified her, and she embraced him to welcome him home.
“I knew everything was alright the moment you and Thantis showed up unharmed. I suppose the Admiral being here means you will have some meeting with Antoth, but I’m glad you’re alright,” she told him. He hummed in her ear and left a quick kiss on her cheek.
“Yeah, things didn’t go as planned but everyone made it out safely. If it’s all the same to you, I think when this is done I’d much rather focus on making sure our pet doesn’t become a pelt,” he replied.
“As long as you admit that I told you so,” Veera said. “That place was obviously nothing but trouble from the very beginning.”
‘Are we going to continue overlooking the part where we can safely travel back to Earth now?’ Io demanded, having observed the married ‘spat’ for long enough. Veera’s eyes widened in surprise.
“We can… you did it?” she gasped.
“I sure as hell didn’t,” Russell clarified quickly. “But something happened that deactivated whatever process was going on in there. Io’s right. The warp point is clear and at some point soon I have to imagine Natori is going to take his ship home.”
Veera found herself caught flat footed by the news, looking down at the earth beneath her feet as a sudden trepidation struck her. They had talked about Russell’s eventual departure many a time over the seasons she’d known him, but it was always a hypothetical, an occasion far down the line. That line seemed soon to end. “So I… have to leave?” she questioned.
“Veera, I need to go meet with Antoth and the Admiral. When I’m done we’ll sit down and have a long talk about this, ok? If things have changed and you really want to stay, there may be a way to do that,” he explained.
“But your family! Your parents!” Veera exclaimed before cutting herself off, noticing Thantis and Natori waiting at a polite distance for them. “You’re right. Please don’t take long.”
“We won’t. Where’s the little troublemaker now?” Russell wondered.
“I sent him off into the forest after his little snatch and grab. So he’ll probably be back for dinner.”
“Count on that hyrven to never miss a meal. Alright love, I’m glad you and he are ok. See you soon?”
Veera took his hands in hers and nodded. “Offer Antoth your guidance, Russell. You are the only human he can trust.”
Though Russell’s first inclination was to protest, he couldn’t help but acknowledge the fact that even someone as forward and open as Natori could possess his own interests and agenda. He hummed low in his chest and agreed with a nod of his head. “I will, Veera.”
-----
“Walk me through it one more time?” Antoth requested, running a hand through the feathers atop his head as he, Thantis, Russell, and Natori were seated within the temple of Kel. Xan was there too, finding himself in the position of scribe as Thantis was an involved party in the Forge incident.
“As I said, Antoth, the Cauthan made from metal visited us while we were exploring the main chamber,” Thantis recounted. “It was clearly female, given the plumage, but how such a thing could possibly exist is beyond me. I am unsure whether it was a servant of Kel, Tyrdus, or neither. While there were many of us there, it chose to approach me specifically and attempted to communicate. I, regretfully, did not understand anything it said to me, either with its voice or its feathers.”
“Yes, I got that part,” the chieftain clarified in a patient tone. “It is what comes afterward that puzzles me.”
“You’re not the only one,” Russell agreed before allowing Thantis to continue the tale from his perspective.
“I attempted to speak to the metal being, requesting information about its nature, which of the gods it served. I believe I mentioned Kel and Meylith specifically, Antoth. When it replied to me it was no clearer than when it first spoke, but I do believe it was a reply instead of some unrelated statement.”
“Because it repeated the word Kel to you,” Antoth finished.
“Precisely. That is when a great many things began happening all at once. Spirit Io tells me that some sort of invisible disturbance began within the Forge, something powerful. The entire place began to shake violently, and the great weapon that the humans believe was causing the corruption plummeted into the abyss below. It was then that the metallic being collapsed. I attempted to revive it, or at least ascertain what had happened but the humans deemed the situation too dangerous at that point. Winters carried me from the facility as I was unable to move fast enough.”
Antoth glanced over at the Jumper. “I find myself in the position of thanking you yet again, Winters. However, given that Thantis would have never been in danger in the first place if not for your discovery, I will not go so far as to say either of us are in your debt.”
“That’s the least of my worries, Antoth, but thank you,” he replied as Natori spoke up.
“Antoth, I believe that certain subjects we have discussed in the past must now be brought to the fore again. While departure is not imminent, as soon as my crew determines we can safely leave your planet we will begin preparing a timetable to do so. Assuming your invitation to my crew regarding your harvest festival still stands, I think it would be a crime to pass up such an opportunity for cultural exchange. Once it is concluded, I cannot envision a scenario where we remain much longer.”
“I understand,” Antoth said, adjusting his posture as he stretched and stood sternly near one of Thantis’ many shelves full of dried herbs and scrolls. “My invitation to your people remains, however I reserve the right to revoke it at any time if I feel there is a need. I think we should table that discussion for another time. Right now I need to ruminate on the situation at hand. Kel refused to open his gate to your people, even Winters, but he did so for his servant among our own. This is… a curious omen.”
Russell shook his head in discomfort as Io began to practically vibrate with excitement, causing a bit of feedback in his earpiece. Having dealt with her, he addressed the two leaders. “Antoth, I’m happy to stay if you wish but I should get home if not. It sounds like Fenrir was up to no good today.”
“I don’t know about it and assuming the situation is under control I’ll be happy not to know about it,” Antoth replied, making it clear in his tone that he expected Winters to exert said control over the situation. “If Thantis and I need to speak with you we will find you.”
“Understood. Admiral Kaczynski, sir?”
The Admiral instead looked at Antoth. “Is there anything else you wished to discuss so long as I am here?”
“The food situation,” Antoth replied immediately, glancing at Xan. Natori nodded.
“I must admit that over the short period of time since we last spoke I have not received any updates myself. However I would be happy to escort Xan or someone else from your village up to the Event Horizon to inspect the current crop personally.”
“Then you should go, Xan. If we will not receive armor or weapons we should at least ensure this food is suitable when grown far from Mara’s soil. Will there be any issues?” he finished on a considerate note.
“No Antoth, I’d be happy to. I should grab a couple of things and let my family know where I’ll be though,” the young scholar explained.
“Very well, you are dismissed.”
“My shuttle will be waiting at the western gate,” Natori advised the young Cauthan. “First Lieutenant, I do not wish to keep you too long but I would appreciate it if you and Io would accompany me that far.”
“Yes sir,” Russell replied, seeing no reason to protest. “Selah, Thantis. Today was quite the adventure.”
“I shall remember it for the rest of my life,” Thantis agreed, his customary demeanor returning as a ‘smile of knowledge’ spread across his muzzle. “And while that may not be a particularly strong statement, I am sure that you will as well. Go in peace, everyone. Selah. Shall we summon the others, Antoth?”
“Not yet. Let us speak privately,” the burly Cauthan requested, indicating that he no longer needed the other three individuals in the temple. Xan packed up the scroll he’d been scribbling on and departed for his family’s home to the north while Russell and the Admiral headed west.
“Is your wife the only Cauthan with an understanding of English?” Natori began.
“So far as I know, sir,” Russell replied in a guarded tone.
“Excellent, then we can dispense with some of the secrecy. What is your opinion on taking this village back to Earth with us?” he wondered. Io was visibly restraining herself from answering for the both of them, but her opinions on the matter were obvious. Russell was more defferential.
“I think that’s a little bit beyond my pay grade, sir. On that subject, however, I need to know if there will be any problems in taking my wife aboard when we leave.”
“Yes well, if we take them all along with us I see no reason she couldn’t come too!” Natori replied in an almost obnoxiously upbeat tone. “The formalities and paperwork will be handled either way in her case, Lieutenant, I assure you. But I do not wish to discuss formalities and rules today. I can do that with men like your father once we return home, and I get the sneaking suspicion there will be quite a few of those conversations. Your gut feelings on the situation will suffice.”
“I’d be worried about them if we left them here and I’d be worried if we took them along, assuming such a thing is even possible and they agree to it” Russell replied. “For every Cauthan like Gentia or Thantis who might jump at the idea, there will be Cauthan like Ratha who will surely object.”
“Undoubtedly,” Natori agreed. “But the conditions are such that they will be forced to answer that question, assuming my staff comes back to me and deems such a mission possible. From a human perspective, it is a clever workaround of many of the objections from our Ghaelen guest, objections that will be more difficult to ignore once he is returned to his people.”
‘Since simply removing the village from existence was his enlightened idea in the first place,’ Io quipped, using vicious air quotes to append the word ‘enlightened’. Natori chuckled heartily, waving cordially to a couple of farmers who looked their way at the noise.
“In defense of Emissary Qul’Roth, I am not sure I want to know what happens to Ghaelen who defy the Order,” Natori suggested. “But per your evaluation, Io, I see no reason not to make it our enlightened decision instead.”
“A decision to do what, exactly? Take them home and just turn them loose in a random city? Keep them in an HEL compound for years?” Russell demanded. Kaczynski stroked his chin.
“I need a shave I believe. And count on the Jumper to immediately identify all the ways in which a situation could go wrong. Before you object, I approve of the approach. Though if you’ve already moved on to that point I presume you would generally be in favor of the translocation?”
Russell organized his thoughts as the two men passed through the central square of the town, considering what it might look like in various settings he’d visited back home. “At least if they came with us and needed help I’d be able to do something.”
Natori looked at Winters out of the corner of his eye. In truth, the Jumper was not used to speaking with people taller than him. An uncomfortable reminder of days gone by being scolded by his father gave way to a desire to see the man again. “May I ask what you were planning to do upon returning to Earth, Lieutenant? If you remain at your current post I’m not sure you would be any more able to aid these Cauthan than if we left them here.”
That feeling of familial absence returned as Winters shook his head. “I didn’t give it much thought when I was aboard the Lancer, sir. Once I was here, worrying about it seemed pointless. I guess now’s the time to think about it again, but life’s already moved past that. Not sure I’ll leave the HEL, but when we get I’m going to turn in my wings, so to speak. The Jumper corps don’t need fathers. Doesn’t mean I’m not proud to have served as one of humanity’s most heavily armed bachelors.”
Natori laughed earnestly at the description. “Children really do change everything, don’t they?”
“You would know far better than I, sir. I’m just making assumptions. I want Veera to come with me, and that if she does I need to come home each night for several reasons. I normally wouldn’t talk to someone like you about these things, but I’m sure you’ll be in charge of accepting or denying that request when the time comes,” he added, trying to keep his tone from being standoffish. Natori seemed to find the comment entertaining, so he figured he’d succeeded.
“Yes I suppose it was a deviation into rather private affairs. You have my apologies, Lieutenant. You and your sister are so different, but I can see your father in the both of you. I cannot make any guarantees, but I will do what I can if you’ve decided that your future lies outside of the Jumper corps. If things play out the way I expect them to, you and I and Io may have a mutual interest in such an arrangement, lest you think I’m somehow trying to play father.”
“Thanks for the assurances, sir,” Russell replied shortly, only broadening Natori’s smile.
“Youth is wonderful, is it not? In any case, you have something like six months to consider these questions, plus however long it takes us to get our affairs in order and depart this planet. With the threat from the alien installation apparently gone, my curiosity as to its nature has only increased.” Natori paused for a moment before snapping his fingers as he remembered something. “I need an after action report from you within the next twenty four hours, Lieutenant. I am aware that you have duties that go a bit beyond those of the average Event Horizon crew member, but given the magnitude of the event you just bore witness to, I need to review evidence from every angle, every perspective. There is no telling what the twenty or so of you might have seen or not seen.”
‘Done,’ Io replied, making a show of procuring the necessary video and audio files along with a written report that literally materialized atop her open palm. ‘Anything else?’
“You’ll let me review it first before it’s sent to the Admiral,” Russell insisted in no uncertain terms. “And later, I want you to make sure Xan is alright when he’s aboard the Event Horizon. Veera and I need to talk things over.”
‘Yes I suppose you do,’ Io agreed, filing away the materials she’d produced for his review. She waved politely at Natori. ‘Admiral, I will speak with you again some other time.’
“A pleasure as always,” he replied before her projection winked away. “Thank you for your time, Lieutenant. I will be fine waiting for the young apprentice before heading back. In the coming days and weeks I hope you will keep in mind that I value your opinion as an expert on the Cauthan, even if I make decisions that conflict with your sensibilities.”
Russell took a moment to think through his reply, knowing well enough that the Admiral was not trying to patronize him. Natori took that time to look up at the gatehouse, nodding appreciatively at the construct of wood and packed dirt. “As long as you aren’t making decisions to appease the Ghaelen, sir, I can’t see myself raising any objections.”
Kaczynski hummed shortly in reply. “Fair enough. You’re dismissed, Lieutenant.”
Winters saluted silently and turned to head off along the road to the north, wondering how many more times he would walk along the rows of crowded homes, blockhouses, and rough drainage trenches.
----
The evening’s dinner preparation was a mostly silent affair. The crackling of firewood and the sound of a knife against wood, vegetables, and meat were comforting as he reviewed the full contents of Io’s report on the Forge incident. Every so often he made annotations, correcting Io’s propensity for flourish and embellishment. It had been a long time since he’d had to deliver such a report, and Io obviously found military language to be boring and trite. Between the two of them they soon had an acceptable product to send up to Natori’s bridge, along with the footage from his helmet cams. Task completed, Winters was free to address the question that had been hanging over both him and Veera for the entire afternoon. She was clearly as eager, or perhaps as nervous, as he, and he found her scrutinizing him from over the cooking pot.
“Hey there, I’m all finished,” he began, standing and moving to her side. “Do you need any help?”
“No, all of the heavy lifting is done. Just need to let it simmer for a while,” she told him, knocking a wooden spoon on the rim of the pot before taking a seat on one of their chairs. He joined her. “Your people will leave soon, and you’ll have to go with them.”
“Yeah, they will,” Russell agreed, taking her hand in his and giving thanks that they wouldn’t be beating around the bush. “I do want to go back, Veera. I haven’t seen my parents or my two other siblings for…”
Veera watched as her mate fell silent, his face looking far older than his actual age of twenty five as he counted the months. “It’s been too long, hasn’t it?” she asked compassionately.
“The Admiral managed to get them here in about three months, but I don’t think he would push things that hard on the return trip. All told, even if we left tomorrow and didn’t make any detours, it would probably be more than two years total by the time I get home. And for at least half of that time they’ll have lived without knowing whether I’m alive or dead.”
“It was clearly very hard for Alice,” Veera agreed, recalling the tearful scene from the bridge of the Event Horizon. “And she got to see you long before they will. You know I’ll still go with you, my love.”
“I know,” he affirmed, looking at the flames as they licked at the blackened exterior of the pot that had served them well for many months. “But I know things have changed here too. I know there’s a lot you would leave behind now so… I think we should talk.”
“About what, Russell?” she inquired. “I’m happy to talk about anything with you. We even vowed to do so in sight of the Mother, but it sounds like our path is already set.”
“Maybe, but when we get to Earth things need to change,” he explained. “I can’t… I won’t get sent off on another mission like this. Even if you weren’t pregnant there would be a question, you know? But now there’s no way I want you following me around on military ships, and no way I’m going to leave you after you give birth. So… I’m going to have to figure something else out. Even cabins in the mountains don’t build themselves, and the life of a recluse isn’t the sort of thing I’d want for our kids.”
To Russell’s surprise, Veera purred and nuzzled his cheek. She teased him gently. “Look at you trying to plan out our entire lives. I would never say no to you being in less danger.”
Russell placed an arm around her shoulder and rested his head against hers. “Is there a ‘but’ in there somewhere?”
“I was trying to be accommodating,” Veera pointed out. “But I would feel awful if you gave up something important on account of my pregnancy. It’s not like we planned for this.”
“No, we didn’t,” he agreed seriously, sitting up in his seat and rubbing the back of his neck. “But that doesn’t change the fact. Besides, there aren’t many people who remain soldiers forever. Even people like my father eventually take non-combat roles and desk jobs. It might not go exactly the way we expect, but I’m sure I can work something out within the HEL if the civilian life just isn’t for me.”
“Then it sounds like we don’t have much to worry about in terms of our family,” Veera summarized in a relieved tone before casting a glance at their entryway. “I will miss them, though.”
Russell exhaled and looked over at Io, taking up her usual perch at the foot of their bed. He raised his brows at her and she shrugged in return. “I might as well ask your opinion on it then,” he said.
“On what?”
“This is something Io and I have been thinking about for a while but never with any seriousness. Apparently Alice started thinking the same way and made a proposal to both Natori and Antoth the last time the two of them met.”
“Is that where you were called to?” Veera wondered quietly, taking a spoonful of stew and blowing on it until it was cool enough to taste. Satisfied with the blend of flavors, she grabbed two wooden bowls and began serving them both. “What is it that Alice was contemplating?”
“From the sound of it, taking you and every single Cauthan in this village back home with us to Earth isn’t a flight of fancy,” Russell explained. Veera paused with a ladle full of stew halfway between the kettle and her bowl.
“I- what? Is such a thing even possible?” she demanded aghast. Russell nodded, propping up one ankle on the opposite knee.
“Way I understand it, the Event Horizon is running with a skeleton crew, at least so far as non-military personnel are concerned. When they learned they were coming after me, that my ship had been lost, a lot of people who could chose to stay behind. There’s plenty of space so long as your people can handle space travel. Obviously we’ve already experimented with that a bit.”
“But why would they take us in the first place?” Veera asked suspiciously. “Here, eat while it’s hot.”
“Smells wonderful, thank you,” Russell replied, making sure to take a large bite and savor it for her edification before going on to explain some of the reasons humanity might see a vested interest in taking her village along. “From what I can tell it would actually resolve a sticking point with the Ghaelen regarding human influence on the village. The other reason, honestly, is that we want to.”
“And when we can no longer feed or clothe ourselves because we have left Mara we will be at your mercy,” Veera pointed out suspiciously. Io felt the need to step in at that point.
‘That is true, Veera. However what humanity can offer you in exchange would far exceed what you would lose. Imagine a world where one Cauthan, in someone like Anita’s position, could grow enough food to feed the whole village!’
“That sounds like a good excuse to sit around and grow lazy and fat, just like Vash,” Veera spat. Io recoiled indignantly as Russell waved his spoon her way.
“She’s got a point there, you know. Hey boy, get over here and sit! I heard you were bad today!” Russell commanded, distracted as none other than Fenrir chose that moment to arrive home, having no doubt followed the smells of cooking fires throughout the village. He ruffled the hyrven’s fur roughly before providing him with a plate of pre-cut chesko meat. It was a bit bourgeois to cut their pet’s steak, he knew, but both he and Veera considered bite sized pieces preferable to Fenrir flinging his dinner about the house like a barbarian intent on painting the walls red.
‘Now that the beastie has his dinner and I can defend myself, I can tell you that many humans choose to work jobs like those found at the temples of Tyrdus or the Twins, making things instead of growing things. That might not be a difficult transition. Even more choose to live like Thantis or Alice, devoting their lives to knowledge and its pursuit. And yes, per your conversation with Russell all the way back when you first met, there are some who engage in creating pornographic material and every other profession in between. Based on the amount of garbage I’ve scrubbed from the Event Horizon’s intranet there will be a market for Cauthan smut when we return to Earth one way or another, but I’d rather space my main processors than ruminate on that for too long. You are right, Veera. Being lazy, indolent, and fat is a temptation when you live in a land of plenty, but I think it is better than starvation, death by raider, succumbing to treatable illnesses, or freezing to death.’
“Not to mention there are plenty of human communities who prefer to keep to what they consider to be the ‘old ways’,” Russell added. “I’m not saying anyone’s given the logistics serious thought, but the idea is out there now and it’s not just me and Io who would want to see you all paid back for letting me live here and keeping me alive.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that we would be giving up our freedom and putting our lives in your hands, Russell,” Veera pointed out. “I choose to do so on account of our bonds of marriage and because I consider you to be a male who does not think in such terms. That doesn’t mean that this village will be treated the same way.”
Russell was unable to brush her concerns away, knowing that he was far from the most senior HEL individual in the system anymore. He didn't foresee any issues with the Admiral honoring the union he shared with Veera, but he hadn't exactly married the rest of the village. "I know, but it's not like Io or I would abandon them. I'm not worth much, honestly, but you've seen what Io can do when she doesn't get what she wants."
'I resent that,' she told him. 'You act as though I saw the Event Horizon and thought give me the shiny ship.'
Russell and Veera looked at Io quietly, chewing over tenderized pieces of chesko. She eventually backtracked. ‘Well don’t blame me for having the ability to do both at once! Besides, it’s not even that shiny.’
Veera laughed pleasantly as she reached over to scratch Fenrir between the ears. Between the slowly waning cooking fire and his dinner the hyrven was already headed for dreamland. “I appreciate the sentiment, Io. I know that you and Russell would not abandon us, but that will not make it any easier, especially for people like Ratha and Antoth.”
“That’s a bit of an understatement. I wouldn’t be surprised if it proved necessary to drag Ratha kicking and screaming into a shuttle,” Winters added, finding the image amusing. “Ah well, like I said it’s really not a decision that any of us get to make. I just wanted your perspective. I guess it’s probably a scary concept more than anything.”
“Yes, it is,” Veera agreed quietly. “And unlike me, they do not have someone like you to lean on.”
“Fair enough. Hopefully we can get a few set up like Xan, familiarize themselves with the ship at least. Sounds like Natori could use help and you all have five fingers, an opposable thumb, and are of approximately human height,” Winters reasoned. “Speaking of which, why don’t you head on up, Io. He should be aboard already. I think we’re just going to clean up dinner here.”
Veera waved her feathers in understanding as Io nodded and killed her projection. ‘I suppose I could check back in on my various VI monitoring subroutines as well. As you say sir. I will return later tonight.’
-----
“By Kel this place is big,” Xan complained, walking through corridor after corridor aboard the Event Horizon. He’d returned to his normal weight so he figured he had to be somewhere close to his destination, but with every turn he only seemed to find yet another sign featuring vibrant green and yellow symbols showing him the way to the hydroponics bays. The Cauthan let out an audible groan of relief when he stepped into a larger hallway and found a sizable green arrow pointing at a set of bulkheads several times his size. He could not yet read the human runes painted within it, but he recognized the location well enough. Clearing his throat and composing himself he walked up to the doors and made to knock, but found his plans foiled as they simply opened on their own and a synthesized, female voice faintly reminiscent of Io’s own welcomed him to the hydroponics bay. “Hey, Anita?” he called out, facile enough with English to use at least one word. He smiled as she poked her head around the corner of the door to her office, her long ponytail hanging most of the way to the floor from her seated position. She was confused to see him, which confused him in turn.
“X-Xan?” she stuttered. “What are you um, doing here?”
The Cauthan leaned heavily on his cane, putting two and two together before letting out a long sigh of realization and clicking a talon on the floor. “You know, if you’d prefer to work for someone who doesn’t enjoy surprises, Antoth would be happy to have you if you can grow food for us. He’s a similar color too, so that wouldn’t be much of a change, right? He wanted me to check in and see how things are going up here. Guess Natori didn’t give you a warning?”
“No, he didn’t,” Anita confirmed quietly, unsure whether to find humor in the idea of working for Antoth or trying to explain to Xan that it was the height of rudeness to remark on someone’s skin color in such a way. In the end she sat in silent embarrassment as her stomach betrayed her and growled audibly. Even with his mangled left ear Xan was able to pick up on it just fine.
“I have a place to sleep up here so maybe let’s get food first? Not like I’m in a rush or anything. Well, I actually can’t rush much of anywhere these days,” he quipped, pointing to his gimped leg. “I don’t really know my way around so… or was I interrupting something?”
Anita couldn’t bring herself to say no, so instead she zipped up her jumpsuit, grabbed her tablet, and ensured the automated subroutines were all green before tucking her chair neatly away at her desk. “So, ah, how have you been, Xan?” she asked politely, leading the way from her usual haunt to the hallways that would take them to the civilian canteen. The Cauthan kept a sure pace, his cane accentuating his progress. He chuckled to himself as he summed up the events of the prior cycle in one word.
“Busy.”
-----
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Continuing…
He grimaced and growled and launched himself toward me. He made it about 0.5 meters before an Ankylosaur tail club (or Thagomizer, whichever) connected with the right temporal region of his cranium. He never hit the ground as Toivo had him in a severe and decidedly uncomfortable-looking hammerlock. He had the goof’s hands pinned before gravity could fully take over.
I produce three inescapable thick plastic Zip-ties, of which I always carry a supply, and bind his wrists as Toivo frog-marched him back to his seat.
“Ribbit. Ribbit, asshole”, Toivo snickered all the way back to the land of the cheap seats.
His significant other or sister or first cousin or whatever is seated and begs us not to turn the plane around.
“He’s just drunk. That’s all!” she says like that’s some form of excuse.
For some. Maybe.
For your buddy, lover, cousin, whatever; no way.
“OK, then he’ll be handed over to the Japanese authorities when we land. No skin off my rosy-red proboscis.” I replied as Toivo unceremoniously dumps the miscreant in his aisle seat with a decidedly agreeable, and somewhat soggy, “kerflop!”.
Seems our loudmouth drunk needs his big boy pants before he begins a drunken tirade.
“Ick”, I noted to Toivo, reminding him that there are sanitizer stations all over the plane.
“Tidy up, “ I said, “No idea what communicables this carbuncle is carrying.”
I fit the next set of zip-ties snugly around his ankles as his significant something-or-other goes positively apeshit.
“You have no fucking right! Who the fuck do you think you are!?” she bellows.
I turn from grinning ear-to-ear at Toivo and look directly into this piece of human flotsam’s vacant, vapid eyes.
“I, ma’am, am the MOTHERFUCKING PRO FROM DOVER and this is my able-bodied assistant, Mr. Hyde.
<EEGAH!> replies Toivo.
“Thank you, able-bodied assistant”, I say to Toivo as he’s already wanting to head back to Business Class to begin ordering drinks from where he left off previously on the drinks menu.
I continue with this refugee from Uncle Tom’s Medicine Cabinet by letting her know into exactly what world of fuckery her significant whatever just wandered.
“I am also a duly authorized United States of America Air Marshall”, as I pull my Diplomatic passport and show her the very shiny and very official badge I keep there.
“So, if you would like to join your…whatever…when we land by being bound over to the local Prefecture Police personages, then, by all means, keep irritating me. My assistant and I have a very large supply of inescapable zip-ties.” I said, lowly, slowly, and growly.
She sat down suddenly, shut up, and was unpredictably very interested in the carpeted floor of the plane at that point.
I had Toivo connect the guy’s wrist zip-ties with his ankle zip-ties.
I look at my watch.
“Hmmm…6.03 seconds. Very nice, Mr. Hyde. A new record. You win a cookie. And a cold one.” I smiled at Toivo who realized that all, except his throbbing hangover, was forgiven.
“All set?” I asked. Toivo nodded in approval, and we departed that scene and headed back to Business class and away from the pedestrian displays of such hoi-polloi.
Luna greeted up with a brace of fresh cocktails.
“Why thank you, Luna”, I smiled, “How did you guess that corralling idiots was thirsty work?”
“Oh, Doctor Rock. You not tell me everything. You no Air Marshall.” She joshed.
“Funny.”, I said, digging out my passport, “This here says that I am.”
Luna looks more closely and swoons a bit.
“You are Pro from Dover! I hear you. Everybody in plane hear you! You are too funny to be Air Marshall!”, she laughs.
“Probably, but I’m on the injured reserve list. Oh, look. My drink’s gone dry…”
Luna laughs, Toivo stammers, and I get a refill.
Sleeping Ugly, in the rear of the plane, is still snoozing off his brush with death when this character in a natty and expensive-looking three-piece suit wanders into Business Class.
“You are Dr. Rocknocker, the, ahem, very loud Pro From Dover?” he asks.
I sit up straight, rearrange my work area and affirm that is exactly who I am.
“Might I take a look at your credentials?” he asked, very politely.
“You might if you tell me what this is all about,” I replied.
“I’m Bill Hubbard, and I’m the Air Marshall for this flight.” He says.
“Well, Bill. Nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Rocknocker, and Air Marshall pro tem for any flight I’m on. Call me Rock. That’s what the guys at the Agency call me.” I smile brightly.
“Ah. That explains it. Might I see your credentials, Doc…er...Rock?” He asks.
“Certainly.” As I produce my Red Russian Diplomatic passport.
He looks very confused.
“Open it”, I offer.
“Well, I’ll be damned. There must be some great stories that go with all this.” Bill smiles.
“That there are”, I say, retrieving my credentials and asking if Bill would like to join Toivo, yet another covert character, and me in a drink.
“Nah, thanks. However, if you don’t mind, I’ll take over that hogtied idiot back in economy for you. You look like your plate’s full enough.” He offered.
“That’s fine by me. I’ll have an IR (Incident Report) for you directly.” I replied.
“Damn. You really are a Marshall. Pack a plaster cast instead of a piece. Nice.” He laughed.
“Just my way of being disarming,” I replied.
Bill chuckled, shook his head, rolled his eyes, shook both our hands, and returned to his seat.
“Nice guy. Glad he’s here. I want nothing else to do with that loudmouthed asshole.”
“That much is certain”, Toivo agreed.
“Well, since you’re back with the living, care for a drink?” I asked as I motioned to Luna.
“You are -not- human”, Toivo gasped as Luna repaired to the galley to make our drinks.
“That”, I smiled as I drained my drink, “is something which I never claimed to be.”
Well, life wore on. We landed at Narita Airport in Tokyo without further incident.
Drunky McAsshole was escorted off the plane by Bill and he looked very, very unhappy indeed.
I nodded to him and tipped my drink in that inimitable Midwestern manner.
He didn’t even nod back.
The prick.
Anyways.
I thought we were headed to Haneda, but something must have changed in-flight. No worries, since all I have to do is collect my luggage, find a driver and get him to take me to the train station.
I wander down the jetway, Toivo close behind. He’s headed to the Marunouchi Business District, and I’m headed for Tokyo Station. I could take the train, it’s only an hour and about 3,000 yen, but I had a compelling reason not to go.
I didn’t fucking want to.
I’m walking slowly away from my terminal, and head over to passport control and baggage.
I’m through in a trice, and now I’m wondering what the fuck I’m going to do. A couple of travel cases, my well case, a buggered left hand, and…
As I walk out of the baggage area, I see this whisper-thin chap holding a placard: “Doctor Rocknocker, USA”.
Hmmm…
“Hello? “ I asked the gaunt, thin-clad one.
“Hello. You are Doctor Lock…Lockrocker…Doctor…” He stammers.
“Yeah”, I say and hand him my business card, “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock. It’s so much easier for everyone.”
“Ah, yes. So, Mr. Dr. Rock. Pleased to be meeting you. I am from the train company. You have First Class on the Tokyo-Sapporo express?” he asks.
“Why yes. Yes, I do.” I replied.
“Then you will come with me. I will escort you to ground transportation to the train station and to your First Class chamber on the train.” He bows slightly and whistles shrilly for a porter to handle my bags.
“Thank you so much…um, and your name?” I ask.
“I am Gin, your humble servant”, he actually and really says.
“Gin? No shit? Excuse me. Sorry, that just slipped out. What a perfect name. Damn glad to meet you”, I said and extended my less damaged right hand.
He bowed, I sort of bowed; my back cracked like old kindling. He extended his hand, I extended mine. He bowed and I tried to shake his hand. If I were watching this from the outside as a spectator, it would have looked riotously funny.
I finally grab Gin’s right hand and at long last, a manly handshake ensues.
“About fucking time”, I muttered under my breath.
Gin and I are walking slowly to ground transport when he sees my slight limp, another gift of being a hired gun and traipsing all over the world. That and stopping a .45 with my thigh a few decades ago. That didn’t help much either.
“Stop here. I will get an electric cart.” Gin ordered.
I was a bit all-in by this time and too tired to argue.
“Groovy. Can I smoke here?” I asked.
“Not yet. Must wait until we reach outside.” He informs me.
“Fair enough.” I clip my cigar and shove it in my yap, but I didn’t light it.
Gin was going to lodge a small protest, but I say that I didn’t fire the thing up.
A cart arrives and we toss all my luggage and kit into the back. I take the passenger seat and Gin rides shotgun directly behind me.
“Gin, tell me, COVID is the reason it’s so quiet here,” I ask.
“Yes, Dr. Rock”, Gin exhales loudly, “It’s killing us who work in the ground transport and hospitality industries. Very bad. Not so many people die, that is sad, many, many more go hungry and lose jobs. This must stop soon.”
“I could not agree more, Gin”, I replied.
He’s just earned himself a real hefty tip, I muse, local tradition be damned.
We arrive outside and I ask Gin if I can fire up my heater now. He tells me yes, and that it would be fine to smoke in the vehicle that’s going to take us to the train station.
“Well, if that ain’t just ducky!” I chuckle. Gin looks on, very confused. “That’s great, Gin. Many thanks.”
“Ah. So…”, Gin says slowly. “Your ride is over there, we should be there in a few minutes.”
“Fair dinkum, Gin”, I say in austral approval.
I figured we’d be taking a sedan or van or SUV on the outside. Instead, Gin wheels us up to the second largest car, I would suppose, in the whole Goddamned prefecture. It’s a chauffeur-driven limo from Supernova-Zipline Limousines. It’s fucking huge; a stretch Mercedes limo. It probably has its own zip code, if not its own area code.
Gin grabs my bags and shoves them in the boot, scurries around, and pops open the rear door. I slowly de-putt-putt and ease into the opulent back seat of one of the largest cars in which I’ve ever had the pleasure of riding.
Jesus Q. Christwagons! Full bar! Stocked humidor! Satellite phone! Satellite TV. Satellite internet! A fucking closed-circuit telly system for the interior and exterior of the vehicle. An intercom for communicating with the driver.
“What?” I asked Gin, “No jacuzzi?”
“That car was busy today”, he smiled.
“Shame.”
I literally goggled the inside of this vehicle. It’s ridiculous in its opulence; especially for the likes of me.
“All these are here at your disposal. Of course, you will be charged for what you use, although the driver has already been paid. A gratuity is up to you when you arrive at the train station.” Gin informs me as I take a quick break from stuffing my carry-on with bottles of exclusive Japanese alcohol and fine cigars from around the world.
“Send the bill to these characters”, I say and hand him one of the many business cards I filched from Agents Rack and Ruin.
“By your leave”, Gin smiles. He will not be accompanying me to the train station, but his counterpart will meet me there and get me to my cabin on the train.
I make certain I sneak him a hefty gratuity’ Oriental proclivities be damned.
He accepts, looks at the pile of yen furtively, stashes it in his pocket and barks some orders into the intercom. By the time we exchange handshakes, the limo has been started and we are ready to attack traffic.
Tokyo traffic in a huge limo.
This should be fun.
But it twern’t.
The locals were deferentially courteous. They waited quietly until the winds shifted and the driver maneuvered the land yacht out of the parking place and into the wind and traffic. Once rolling, other drivers seemed to intuitively know this was not a normal vehicle and gave us a wide berth.
Well, where the blinkered hell is the fun in that?
I settled back in the far back with my seat reclined, a drink at the ready and my already lit cigar.
Yes, I was ready for anything.
But, nothing untoward happened.
Nothing but an interesting hour-long trip through a surprisingly vacant Tokyo. COVID I reckon, but we arrived at the train station less than an hour later.
It has to be the cleanest damned train station I’ve ever seen. Absolutely immaculate. Tons of stores of every imaginable description, plus a very well stocked duty-free.
I was already fairly well stocked, but I dropped by a House of Havana to see about a few cigars.
HOLY FUCKING GASP
“So sorry, not at those prices.”
Holy shit. Who can afford a cigar habit in Japan? Christ on a crouton. Prices for Havana cigars fully 200-400% more expensive than the usual extortionate price one pay for these dubious smogs.
A courtesy car pulls up and asks if I was “Dr. Roclocncker” or something in that linguistic style. I affirm my identity verbally and with a business card, which the driver appreciates.
He, without asking, by the way, grabs my luggage, tosses it into the golf-cart cum field transport and then asks me to park myself in the cart.
I ask, “Wot’s, uh, the deal?”
“VIP transport. Please to be hang on”, he says and we accelerate out into the thin crowds.
Within minutes we’re at my platform and my driver asks if I’m taking the Sapporo Express or the Tohoku/Hokkaido Shinkansen from Tokyo to Shin-Hakodate-Hokuto and transfer to the Hokuto limited express to Sapporo.
“The former”, I reply, somewhat vexed that they more than one line First Class, to Sapporo.
“Excellent”, he replies, and after going over my tickets, confirms what I had been told.
It really isn’t “First Class”, it’s “Gran Class”.
Evidently, there a difference.
From the brochure: “The Gran Class involves the use of a special train car with ample seating room (the more, the better), as well as the constant attention of your host or hostess. Trains generally have one Gran Class car along with standard and green cars. Service is also a point of interest in the Shinkansen Gran Class. Upon entering the train, an attendant will guide you to your seat. You will then be offered such amenities as a menu, drinks, blanket, drinks, warm towel, drinks, slippers (which may be taken home by the passenger), drinks, eye mask, and drinks.”
OK, I may have edited that a bit...
Once settled in and my bagged luggage whisked someplace safe but out of sight, I was handed a menu. They were very cautiously deferential about my plastered hand and made every effort to be extra accommodating for me.
I flip open the menu and read: “Our service reflects the land traversed, and is attentive to individual needs so that you may enjoy the trip in your own personal way. We are honored to make your travels a high point in your journey. The attendant can be called to your seat at any time using a button on the armrest. The menu options include gourmet delicacies, all locally sourced. For example, you may order a bento box featuring locally grown vegetables, along with fresh apple juice produced in Aomori*. Other options include drinks, snacks, alcoholic beverages, drinks, and a western-style lunch. All food and beverages are provided at no additional cost.”
Highly unlikely.
The train imperceptibly lurches and we’re moving out of the station and headed on our way up north.
Only 831 or so kilometers and this is one of the first runs of the Sapporo Express where you don’t have to stop after 4.5-5 hours, de-train, then catch a new express the rest of the way to Sapporo from Hokkaido.
This is just a very recent addition to the rail lines in Japan, and I’m among some of the first that get to experience a shakedown cruise and see how nice the cabin attendants can be towards me.
Halfway through my first drink, a Shochu (焼酎), which is a distilled liquor (like vodka), and fresh carbonated lime drink which I faux-racistly dub “The Locknockel”.
So solly. I’ll attempt to quell that impulse from here on out.
I’ll probably not be overly successful.
I am asked if I will be ordering lunch. I reply in the affirmative and leave it to them to find the best of what they think I’d probably like. I did ask for another drink, though. That appeared within seconds.
I’m slurping this new concoction and I glance out the window. Everything’s a fucking blur.
“Whoa! What kind of drinks do they serve here?” I asked, but Ford Prefect was nowhere to be seen.
It’s not the drink, it’s our velocity. Already we’re topping 300 KPH. You couldn’t prove it by me. It was smooth as silk and amazingly disconcerting to not feel at least a little bit of shimmying or shaking.
Not on these lines, Buckaroo. These are welded rails. Welded, ground and buffed to a high sheen.
The ride was smoother than my next drink, a Rocknocker made with Ao vodka.
“Named for the Japanese word for “blue,” Ao is made from Japanese rice and water sourced from the country’s southern island of Kyushu. Distilled in copper pots and refined through a bamboo filtration system, this vodka is creamy and lush, with an ethereal lightness and purity reminiscent of fresh spring water.”
It is also probably the favorite of distant dragons and important ancestors.
Anyways, the trip proceeded pretty much along these lines. Smoking was verboten aboard all Japanese trains, but when I asked about the fact that I recall, or so I thought, that one of the perks of Gran Class was a private room where a passenger could while away the time along whatever ways he or she would choose, they were ready to allow me a cigar.
“No, wouldn’t be proper”, I maintained, “Wouldn’t be right”, I continued and handed each of my three personal retainers a cigar.
They each brought me a version of a drink they just knew I’d like based on my past few hour’s consumptions.
They were right. They were all quite lovely.
Now, truth be told, my left mitt was bothering me. Somehow the pain messages were finding a way upstream and I had to admit that it positively throbbed. I decided to forego any further libations for a while and try some of that ‘pain medication’ the medicos back in Caracas gave me.
“This is in case you have harsh pain”, Dr. Esparraguera and Dr. Díaz told me, “That is, more than your usual.”
“What is it?” I asked eyeing the large and frankly suspicious-looking black capsule.
“Oh, just a bit of morphine. A shot of ketamine. A little oxycodone. A drop of buprenorphine. Some tramadol and a smattering of Thorazine. That and just a hint of mint.” They replied.
I wondered if I needed one or two.
Well, like my dear ol’ departed Granddad used to say: “When one’s not enough, and two is too many; best take three.”
Hey, I have a high pain threshold and I live with chronic pain. Now this hand was beginning to hurt to the point of a minor annoyance.
I swallowed three with the rest of my drink.
Then I was being roused by one of my cabin attendants.
“Sir, we are here. Sir? Sir? SIR!?!” the panicked attendant called.
“Oh, yes”, I snarfled. “So we are. Thank you so much for a splendid trip.”
She stood back to allow me room to go from horizontal to vertical.
“Ah! A few hours kip after a couple of drinks. I feel slightly more human again.” I said as I stretched and produced sounds like a cord of old firewood being run over by a custom Oldsmobile Rocket 88.
No one dared say a word, although there was a lot of body language flying around. They got my baggage and all my other bits-and-pieces loaded up and ready for me to travel.
I swear, I hadn’t walked 100 paces when we’re on the platform and there’s another thin-clad one with a “Dr. Rock” sign.
He walked over to me, I guess I give off Rock-ish vibes and ask if I am who I am.
I verified I was who I was.
Back in the read confines of another limo, a bit smaller than the one in Tokyo, but still none too shabby, and we’re headed to the labs of ウルトラシークレットテックカンパニー株式会社 [Ultrasecret Tech Company, Ltd.].
“How long until we get there?” I ask.
“Not long”, Came the reply, “20 minutes.”
“May I smoke?” I asked.
He pulled down a hand-polished wooden cover and a fully outfitted humidor sprang into view.
“I’ll take that as a yes”, I smiled and pulled out my pocket humidor and produced a smallish cigar that I figured would take about 20 minutes.
My co-pilot was watching very closely, and of course, I offered him one.
“Grab a spare for the driver”, I said, “But hold on to it until we get where we’re going.”
“Yes, sir”, came the brisk and rapid reply.
We arrived at the labs, which were housed in a very nondescript gray, closed window 5-story building. Could have been a bookbinder’s. Could have been a Gentleman’s Club. Could have been an abattoir, for all I knew.
Everything was done in muted and tasteful shades of gray, teal, light tannish brown and pinkish-mauve trying to go all purple. Carpets. Walls. Ceilings. Going to take some reconnoitering to get the layout of this place, I mumbled to myself.
“Dr! Rock! Hello! So glad you are here!”
It was the team leader, Dr. Uchibayashi Iesada, called Uchi from here on out.
The rest of the team, all doctors, were Yuhara Hideaki (Youhoo), Bando Michinaga (Bando), Fukutsuchi Kosho (Fukkit…no really), and Ms. Dr. Sasagawa Kaneru (Sassy).
And those are the names we used in parenthesis as I’m not going to type their names over again.
There was much bowing and handshaking and distribution of business cards. Again, to any outsider, it must have looked uproariously funny.
Seems I was to have my hand scanned today so the procedures can begin bright and early the next day.
I was told that I’d be staying here at the labs as they have one floor converted to a 5-Star Hotel, another floor for meetings, meals, and recreation. More floors for research, medical procedures, and whatever else these characters were into.
They are really big on cybernetics, robotics, automation, miniaturization, and human-machine interfaces.
Guess that’s why I’m here.
I was taken to my suite on the 5th floor, and damn, they weren’t kidding. This room was right out of the playbook of JP Morgan. Plush, well outfitted with every known electronic gizmo, probably surveillance cameras that could diagnose your drink before you had time to stir it, and a plush California King bed, Jacuzzi, and bar.
None of that mini-bar shit. Here, you’re good enough for a room, you’re good enough for a real size bar.
Plus, I had my own geisha.
Not for funny business, but a real geisha type person to aid and assist me while I was at the lab.
Her name was Ouchi Sakurako. She always addressed me as “Sir”, even though I told her that everyone calls me “Rock”, and that I was to refer to her as “Ouchi”.
Since that was her name.
She also told me what was expected of me and what I was to expect of her.
I was “Yōjin”, which I finally figured out, was Japanese for VIP. I was also 親分, which is “Boss”. Basically, I call the shots.
Ouchi was 従者, which is a bitch to translate; as it could be servant, valet, attendant, follower, assistant, or all of the above. She was an employee of the labs, specially hired for this position and she took it damned deadly seriously.
“No funny stuff”, she reiterated, wagging a finger at me.
I’m standing in my stocking feet, my square-toe Size 16 Black Caiman cowboy boots growling from the floor as I stand there, bereft of foot apparel, in my bespoke Cargo Shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, left hand bandaged like an Ankylosaur tail club, smoking a huge cigar and quaffing a fresh drink. I tilt my Stetson back on my forehead, peel off my Wayfarers, and give Ouchi a thoroughly washed stink eye.
“Do I look like I’d be into funny stuff?”
Ouchi tried. Give her ‘er due. In the style of Montalván, she really tried.
She burst out laughing.
“Oh, hell”, I say to her, “I like you. You’ll do!”
“Ouchi?”
“Ouchi?”
“OK, it’s not that funny a concept. You can stop laughing any time…”
Some people.
Ouchi was going to be with me for the duration. I was a guest, I was also a lab rat, however I was also a fairly high placed schmoe with connections. Ouchi had her own room in my room, which I thought was nice. Fairly basic amenities for her, but it afforded some privacy for the both of us if I needed to take a confidential call or I just wanted to take one of those uninspired butt-in-the-moonlight walks around my room.
I promised Ouchi that after the Myanmar incident, she would not have to worry about any shenanigans like that.
Ouchi gave me a tour of my suite, and as I hovered over at the bar, she committed several wanton acts of neatness. Boots in the closet along with my traveling bags. Hat hung on the hat rack. Sunglasses cleaned and left on my desk, next to everything she’s ordnunked on, in and around my desk. My yukata (informal male dude guy’s kimono) was pressed and laid out, as were a fresh pair of Cargo Shorts, and a new pair of slippers. I had an assortment of shirts from which to choose, so I decided on an R. Crumb print shirt.
“That should keep ‘em guessing”, I thought.
I had an appointment in a bit for some pictures. CAT Scan of the hand, MRI potentially, X-rays, the usual.
So, I figured they’d need me nice and relaxed, so I spent a few minutes instructing Ouchi in the fine art of making drinks.
She caught on quickly, and for the rest of my time at the lab, I don’t think I ever saw an empty glass. It either had a drink in it or it was drying from being freshly scrubbed.
She knew zip about cigars, but after a brief class on clipping and lighting cigars, I never had to worry about carrying or losing my favorite lighter.
I finished up my latest drink and cigar as Ouchi answered the door. There was an orderly with a wheelchair and was there to take me for some pictures.
The e-wheelchair was powered and could hit speeds of probably around 15 KPH, but I didn’t futz much with the controls as Sakakibara was a very capable orderly.
I was in and out of the radiology department in less than half an hour.
I dismissed Sakakibara as I wanted to execu-scoot around the labs and get the lay of the land. It was a very efficient layout of orthogonal ranks and file, so one couldn’t get too lost as the patterns repeated both horizontally and vertically.
Alas, I couldn’t smoke in the passageways and the tour got slightly boring after the next two floors of gun-metal mauve painted walls, excessively clean and detailed and primped halls, tasteful Scandinavian Modern art, fixtures, and floors.
It was like a hospital on steroids and I reminded myself that I hated hospitals, no matter how benevolent.
Besides, I was getting a wee bit cranky, cramped in the admittedly oversized wheelchair. I had decided, then and there, that I needed strong drink, a cigar, and a few laps in that Jacuzzi which I had only briefly glimpsed earlier.
I ring the door of my suite and Ouchi answers.
“Dr. Rock,” she says, “You are back. All go as planned?”
“Yes, Ouchi”, I replied, “However, now it is time for you to make yourself scarce as I need a very strong drink, a huge cigar, and reservation for a few hundred laps in the Jacuzzi. We don’t have a robe anywhere near the size that would cover my ample corpus, so it’s my Body Armor T-shirt and boxer-briefs. No funny business, remember? So you get to sit this one out.”
“No, Doctor”, she said in a most defiant manner, “I am your 従者, I will accompany you to, and in, the baths. You will be submerged and with your left hand in a cast, it will need to be wrapped and sealed in plastic. I will make you a drink, cut and light your cigar. You will sit. You will wait until I return. I will get you a robe and swimming costume. Now stand so I can measure you.”
“Umm, Ouchi,”, I coughed and swallowed, “I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. Everything up to you helping me into the Jacuzzi is fine, but that’s solo territory. I can manage, trust me.”
“I will hear none of this”, she said in a loud, steady voice. “I have my orders, and now you have yours. Sit. I will return with your drink and cigar. Then you will be measured so I can properly clothe you for the baths. I will hear no more of this. Are we green, Doctor?”
I looked at Ouchi with huge, wide laughing eyes.
“Green? Half a mo’, guv.” I smiled, “That’s my line. Where did you ever hear that?”
“I am very thorough”, Ouchi smiles. “I read your dossier before you arrived. It’s part of my job to know my clients.”
“Damn, Ouchi”, I smiled broadly, “Guess I can’t put one over on you. Very well. Veridian!”
“Veridian?” she asks.
“From lime to moss to forest to kelly. Green as the top of a new pool table.” I laughed.
“That is good”, she smiled, “Now, we have understanding. I will return with your drink, cigar and a tape measure.”
I shook my head approvingly.
Ouchi stops, turns, gives me a quick once over.
“A large one.” She smiles.
If smirks could cause injury, she’d be the one in the wheelchair.
“Cheek!” I smiled.
Ouchi spun professionally on her heel and busied herself with the projects at hand.
As I’m working on my fresh drink and cigar, after the indelicacies I was put through in order to get my measurements. Which in Japan, or so I was told, were reserved for kaiju, Ouchi returns with the result of her shopping trip.
Plastic bags of the industrial thickness size for my left hand, even though I’ll be losing the cast tomorrow. A plastic spongy-towely thing to keep the water out, and fine-lock zip ties to seal the whole thing from the ravages of the Jacuzzi.
Ouchi found me an absolutely delightful floor-length floral kimono that was almost as garish as some of my worst Hawaiian shirts. Then she handed me my bathing attire.
“Look, Ouchi”, I said, “But the words “Dr. Rock” and “Speedo” should never appear in the same sentence, much less the same thought.”
Ouchi was laughing up a storm.
“Oh, Doctor”, she said through steaming eyes, “Please forgive Ouchi. I saw that suit and could not resist.”
“Y’know, Ouch”, I said, “You keep up this gaijin-kaiju thing and I might really develop a complex. I know that I’m large, and while it’s easy being mean, it’s harder being large.”
I let her sit and cogitate on that for a few.
“Of course, Doctor”, she bowed and scrappled, “It was only Ouchi making a small joke. No harm intended.”
“Yeah, I know”, I replied, “But in this case, I’m afraid there’s going to be repercussions.”
Ouchi looked at me in horror. Had she edged over that fine line?
Before she could speak, I held up my right hand.
“New drink. Clean ashtray and draw a tub.” I said, “Then all will be forgiven”.
Ouchi looked at me with palpable relief.
Damn, the Japanese can be such a literal people. And such fun to mess with.
While Ouchi slipped out to do her 従者’ly duties, I slouched off to the head (loo, banya, restroom, etc.) and changed into my new ‘swimming costume’.
Obviously continental in cut and cloth, but a very verdant shade of green. It was also capacious enough to cover the bits I wanted covered and still be quite comfortable.
I complemented Ouchi on her taste when she returned with my drink and ashtray.
I went to stand to ease over to the Jacuzzi when Ouchi grabbed the drink from my hand, the cleaned ashtray, and set out new slippers for the bath. I told her that I could handle the cigar for the monumental five-meter trek.
Ouchi had a drinks cart lined up next to the tub, with the smaller of one of my humidors. There were plenty of clean glasses, ashtrays, matches (genuine lucifers), ice, a phone, a couple of geological magazines, and a copy of the latest Blaster’s Monthly.
She had done her homework.
She cautioned me on getting into the Jacuzzi. It was buzzing and frothing along so the bottom was quite impossible to see.
“It’s is, how is it in American? Oh. Six feet deep. There are seats along the side. You pick the one with which you are most comfortable.” She told me.
“Holy wow!”, I exclaimed, “That’s not a jacuzzi, that a hydrothermal pit”.
I eased into the bath after I shed my kimono as Ouchi mentioned she has never seen a man with so much hair.
OK, yeah. I’m a bit fuzzy.
OK, Yeti-fuzzy.
“Yeah”, I replied after slipping into the warm welcoming waters, “I decided to let my beard grow a few decades ago and now, I look like Bigfoot on a night out. After a tornado.”
Ouchi stared in stock curiosity and probably some disgust. She mentioned, cautiously, that she was, at first embarrassed by the hair on my chest…and back…and legs. And just about everywhere else.
I sat back in the Jacuzzi, blissing out.
“But the ‘1/3 of ZZ Top’ beard didn’t clue you in?” I asked.
“I have no male friends with a beard. I just…I …well, didn’t know what to expect.” She admitted. “I have to admit, you’re the first American for which I 従者. I didn’t know what to expect. Except they are large and hairy.”
I set down my drink. I set down my cigar. I surreptitiously took seven or eight very deep breaths.
Well”, I said, “If that’s the way you’re going to be…” and I bodily dunked under the warm, bubbling waters.
I could see her, blurrily, through the foaming waters.
The first minute passed and she just stood there.
Minute two noted her pacing a bit.
By minute three, she was getting alarmed.
At the four-minute mark, she was perhaps panicking a slight bit.
At 4:30 by my waterproof watch, I popped up and calmly asked her for my cigar.
“Are you trying to frighten me?” she almost yelled. “I thought you might be drowning. How could I do anything then?”
“Didn’t read my dossier closely enough,” I smiled, and put a fresh fire to my cigar.
“What?” she demanded.
“I am a devotee of static apnea. Trained to hold my breath. Since I was an ice diver years and years ago and worked on offshore platforms, I thought it to be a good habit to cultivate. My record’s almost seven minutes, but that was a few years back. Now, I can barely manage five.” I told her.
“But I didn’t know”, she objected.
“Now you do”, I smiled, “Please re-ice and refresh my drink, and hand me that glossy magazine. I feel the need to relax after all that exertion.”
Age and guile beat youth and exuberance every single fucking time.
For the next few hours, I read my magazine, carried on a polite conversation with Ouchi. I warned her about Americans, especially if they are of the Oil Patch fraternity.
“Overpaid. Oversexed. And over here”. The American GI in World War II Britain had nothing on an Oil Patch denizen on 28/28 in a foreign land. Especially if they’re young. Hell, you got to watch the old farts as well.” I said.
After translating that for Ochi, she nodded and said she understood.
“Unless they’re old Doctors of Geological and Petroleum Engineering. Hell, those buggers are the worst. Watch yourself every minute.” I said.
“But, you Dr. Rock, are a doctor of…” Ouchi stopped, smiled, and drenched me with a hand slap full of water.
“Ouchi”, I said, “Let me give you the real story. I’m an old geologist, blaster, and petroleum engineer. Been in the Oil Patch for four-plus solid decades. I’ve lived and worked in 50 countries and drilled wells on every continent on the planet, including Antarctica. I’ve been shot, stabbed, taken hostage, crashed in planes, and near mangled in rolled field vehicles. I’ve met with kings, sultans, presidents, and premiers. I speak 4 languages and can order a beer in 40 more. I’ve got more miles on me than an original Volvo 1800S. I’ve got a wonderful wife for these last 41 years and two amazing children. I have recently taken over the reins of a knucklehead of a Tibetan Mastiff. And yet, here I am, sitting in a frothing, foaming, fizzing Jacuzzi, up to my neck, as it were, in a far and distant land, with a most amazingly attractive and intelligent Japanese female lady type and we’re discussing whether I need another drink or cigar”.
Ouchi looked at me with wide, nearly perplexed, eyes.
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way” I smiled.
To be continued…*⇝

Greetings Players!
To start the new year off right, we wanted to answer a number of questions we’ve seen in the last few months on topics related to cheating.
One of the things that’s important to understand is that cheating in PUBG MOBILE is not the result of just a few bright kids in their mom’s basements finding a neat new way to get an advantage in-game. PUBG MOBILE is one of the most popular games in the world, and that means that talented teams of unethical engineers are constantly trying to find ways to cheat, and our security team is working 24/7/365 to shut them down as soon as they pop up.
Regardless of who is behind the cheats it’s our obligation to keep your gameplay fair and secure which we take very seriously. Our Security Team is very skilled, and they are experts at detecting and rooting out cheaters. No matter who creates the cheats, we will find the people attempting to use them and keep them from impacting your gameplay.
Now, on to your questions:
“How are you making sure Leaderboards are Fair?”
The Leaderboards in PUBG MOBILE are some of the most heavily scrutinized areas of the game. We utilize multiple strategies to monitor individuals on the leaderboards, including (but not limited to): machine learning, eligibility restriction, manual review, and the Video Review Station. Right now these systems work together very efficiently, but we have plans to both increase restrictions on who is eligible and improve the accuracy of our automated detection in the coming months. We’ll also be increasing the number of staff specifically dedicated to keeping the leaderboards clean. We want our Leaderboards to remain a source of pride for those who put the effort to achieve them, not as a source of accusations about hacking.
“Is it possible for people to get unbanned by paying a service advertising on social media? Does ‘Anti-Ban’ work?”
One major problem companies selling cheating software face is their customers get banned in PUBG MOBILE. Which is really bad for their business. But since these companies have few morals their best strategy is to lie to their customers and claim that they have technology that doesn’t exist. They are selling services to cheat in a game, they aren’t honest or trustworthy groups of people. Anti-Ban doesn’t exist, cheats can’t prevent reports from being sent in game, if someone gives them money to reverse a ban then the money will be stolen with nothing received and maybe the person’s payment information stolen as well. It’s not like someone can complain that “they stole my money after selling me cheats for a video game” and expect anyone to take them seriously.
“Why not have Region Lock for Servers based on Region/Phone Verification/Etc.?”
One of the questions we see most often is some variation of “Why don’t you use technology xxxx?” Rest assured that all of these different options have been strongly considered and evaluated. Unfortunately there are a number of compelling reasons as to why some options are also problematic, including: legal restrictions in different countries around the world, ease of evasion,and negative impact on honest players.
One of our strongest values here at PUBG MOBILE is bringing people together across the world, no one wants people to be cut off from friends and loved ones they connect with in PUBG MOBILE.
The sad fact is that none of these solutions are a magic bullet that will have the impact that people hope for. Utilizing commonly available software you can make your phone appear to be connecting from anywhere in the world, generate local phone numbers, and obscure details about your device used for identification. These changes wouldn’t hurt hackers, but they would hurt honest players.
“Which is harder for you to catch cheaters on, Android or iOS?”
Another very common question we get is why cheaters are harder to catch from one operating system or another. The truth is that both Android and iOS have strengths and weaknesses when it comes to detecting cheaters, and we have experts in both operating systems that know how to leverage those strengths and work around the weaknesses to catch cheaters regardless of what type of mobile device they use.
As well as looking for cheat software, we observe the effects in-game very closely to determine if cheating behavior is taking place. Regardless of the type of device, the ultimate proof is in the game data. When people cheat, they leave telltale signs that we can find to catch them even if it's not a cheat that can be detected directly. Ultimately the device itself can’t hide that; if someone cheats they will be caught.
“Why aren’t certain types of cheats automatically detected immediately?”
Our goal is always to maximize the speed of catching cheaters and minimize the amount of time they spend in game. But accuracy is important too, and sometimes we need to investigate deeper due to network issues that can appear to be cheating or a poorly performing device that starts behaving unusually. As soon as we have 100% confirmation of cheating behavior taking place, we immediately ban the account in question. This happens during games, when connecting to the PUBG MOBILE servers, or during reviews of server data whether the individual is online or not . As soon as we can prove someone is cheating, they are gone.
Our systems that operate in real time often rely on computers interpreting data in-game which takes a certain amount of processor resources and memory. Other times it’s based on people reviewing games in real time and manually taking action, but computers detecting and automatically taking action is by far the most common case. With tens of millions of players logging in daily, and thousands or tens of thousands of matches (each containing up to 100 players) going on simultaneously, the amount of computing power and memory usage is of a scale that is difficult to imagine.
This is a real limitation, that our very talented engineers are always cognizant of and working around to create effective and speedy solutions. However there are some things that a human can do quickly but can take much longer for a computer to verify. A computer has to manually investigate every possible way something could happen and verify that it is impossible in every way before it can make a definitive assertion. A trained person can see something happen with a glance and immediately make the correct determination. This is why we utilize both computer-based and real human observation, as well as some added systems like the Video Review Station to enhance our efforts and catch cheaters much more quickly.
“How do you penalize people for teaming with cheaters?”
Teaming up with cheaters to gain ranks or rating is an indirect form of cheating, and is subject to an escalating series of penalties ultimately potentially leading to account banning. For a first violation this is a simple removal of any ranks or rewards gained, along with a warning and an extended period of observation. People who repeat this behavior after being warned have greater penalties applied.
You don’t have to worry about possibly being randomly matched with a cheater; we can spot this and it’s not something that will get you in trouble. But if you see a teammate cheating, or even just suspect they are, it’s best to report them and let us make sure. If people tell you they can help you rank up super-easily, or it’s impossible for them to lose, be careful. They might just be taking a risk with your account too.
“Why do creators sometimes get banned?”
Creators are often some of the most talented players to play the game, and sometimes their skills in game are so amazing that it’s difficult to believe that they are possible. Our automated detection systems often flag them for review, because they play at an extremely high level. There was a case of one pro esports team that I watched get more than 10 chicken dinners in a row, playing together in classic matches at the start of a new season. In normal circumstances 30 chicken dinners in a row would be extremely suspicious. But professional players playing together after thousands of matches against the other best players in the world can do some pretty amazing things.
The other, sadder, side of the coin unfortunately relates to human jealousy. There have been cases where jealous individuals unfortunately attempted to falsely accuse some top creators. The lengths that people will go to when motivated by jealousy are incredible, and they from time to time have managed to create extremely compelling evidence. Other times they have attempted to take control of a Creator’s account and then have the account banned that way. Because Creators have to deal with these issues more frequently, we work hard to verify any actions taken against their accounts more completely, and eliminate all other possibilities.
“What security measures do you utilize to make sure Esports events are free from cheating?”
Much like Creators, pro Esports players are incredibly difficult to analyze. They are playing the game at a different level, routinely making shots that would be impossible for the average player, and doing so over and over again. If a normal player suddenly displays the ability to shoot through smoke and reliably hit their opponents without being able to see them, this is a dead giveaway that something is likely going on. For Esports players, this is actually not uncommon.
In a match at the Spring Split 2019 PMCO championships in Berlin, we watched a single player fight through smoke and systematically take down RRQ Athena, one of the most accomplished teams in all of PUBG MOBILE. He was playing on a device we provided, in an environment we completely controlled, and there was zero opportunity for any cheating to occur. So it’s hard to analyze their results.
Fortunately for these events we can do a lot more to ensure that cheating doesn’t take place. The situation with Covid-19 has made this slightly more complicated, but we’ve adapted and applied these strategies to online only events. These can include high tech solutions (like doing a much more thorough real time analysis than is possible in normal games), low tech solutions (like providing them a device they can’t install new software on), and many more things we can’t give you details on (because we want to keep cheat creators in the dark on how we catch them). Trying to cheat in esports is a great way to get banned very quickly.
“Will multiple reports of a player in a short period of time trigger an automatic ban?”
Bans are never issued solely on the basis of reports, but player reports are a great way to alert our security team to potential problems. Reports help us prioritize and evaluate who we need to look more deeply into. If we know that someone is acting suspiciously in game, we can direct far more resources into verification (either machine based or human observation) of their game play. The more people that report someone, the more suspicious it looks and the faster it can happen. So lots of reports won’t get someone banned directly, but it will help us catch cheaters faster and more accurately.
“What else are you doing to combat cheating in PUBG MOBILE?”
We’ve made a lot of improvements over the last year that have greatly reduced the ability for players to cheat in game. We’re catching them quicker, identifying them more accurately, and providing fairer and more competitive games for our players. But we can’t rest on our accomplishments, cheaters aren’t going to stop trying to get any advantage they can. In 2021 we’re working on expanding our Security Team to help us respond more quickly, being even more accurate to ensure no one gets falsely accused of attempting to cheat, and cutting cheats off at the source wherever we can. Many of the initiatives we’re planning on need to remain confidential to maintain the element of surprise and achieve maximum impact, but we’re committed to sharing more information more frequently so that you can know what is being done to keep the game safe.
Thank you,
The PUBG MOBILE Team

Title: I am 35 years old, I made $67,665 gross last year (between multiple jobs) and live in Buffalo and work in higher education and retail.
This is my 5th MD update. Previous MDs in June 2019, October 2019, February 2020, and July 2020.
Ref29 questions:
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Absolutely. Both of my parents have bachelors degrees, and it wasn’t even a conversation of “if” I was going to college, but “where”. I ended up going to a private 4-year college, with a 75% merit scholarship. I was able to pay for the first semester with savings bonds/general savings, but took out loans for the remaining semesters. I worked 2 on campus jobs (tour guide and TA), plus at a coffee shop - this was more for spending money/gas etc. Looking back, I wish that I had put more of that income aside for paying for school, but I was definitely headlong into the student loan trap of “it’s ok, this is good debt….blah blah.”
I thought that i had the exact idea of what I wanted to do for a career - and that basically required a masters degree - so I went straight to grad school after undergrad. Private - and took out the maximum student loans for both years. I cannot stress what a terrible financial idea this was. The last half of my MA was in DC, so I used the loans for rent/food, as I had a full time unpaid internship. Long story short, what I thought was my career goal wasn’t.
I am FINALLY nearly done paying off my loans. If I had to go back and give my past self advice, it would have been to not go to grad school directly after undergrad. I still might have gotten my masters, but I would have done it in a much more financially responsible way.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
We had conversations growing up - but it was much more of a conversation now that I’m an adult. I’ve noted in past MDs, but my parents have told us that they regret not being able to help us all more as teenagers/college/young adults, so they’ve been extremely supportive of my focus on debt repayment.
Did you worry about money growing up?
Not really. I remember being conscious about it - we didn’t have new cars (EVER - like it’s still a thing), and we used coupons/budgets/bulk freezer meals for shopping, but I think a portion of that was that there were 4 of us kids. We were all involved in a variety of extracurricular activities as well, but I don’t remember even being like, limited or restricted from doing anything.
Do you worry about money now?
Absolutely.
While I am noting that I’m making progress, it is still very overwhelming. It’s really hard for me not to beat myself up when I either buy “treats” or things that aren’t really treats, but are just home comforts. I finally bought myself 2 sets (!) of decent sheets this past month after having 1 set of crappy sheets for the last 2 years lol. I still have so much work to do, on debt repayment, fully funding my emergency fund, and (massive goal here) saving for a down payment on a house.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
I would say I was financially responsible for myself when I moved for grad school in the fall of 2008 (so when I was 22/23).
That being said, I definitely have had a financial safety net - my parents always assisted with grocery money if I needed it - when I was married, that definitely was not only a safety net, but also got me in a lot of bad habits.
Since my divorce, my parents have assisted with cell phone, car insurance, and letting me live with them for a few months when I moved back to the US. I know that if something happened, they would absolutely assist with a place to live if I needed it.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
As previous MDs have noted, my parents have assisted with assorted checks when my dad got a bonus, and they have always been extremely generous with holiday $.
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance (and how you got there): $33,194.67 (up from $23,800 in February 2020)
This is a combo of Stash Retire ($1721.52), 401K from a previous job ($17,330.01), retirement accounts from my current job ($2807.58 in my optional IRA to which I contribute extra; $2947.46 in the basic retirement plan, to which my employer contributes 7%), and TSP from a previous job ($8,388.10).
Savings account balance: $1000
Checking account balance: $1381.07 (at the start of the money diary)
Credit card debt (and how you accumulated it): $7,558.08 (focus has been more on student loans, plus I am a bit guilty of using it at random points) (down from $19,556 in June 2019).
Student loan debt (for what degree): Current remaining balance is $972.57!!!!! This is down from $23,645.37 in June 2019) (combined loans for undergraduate and graduate degrees in International Relations. To give you an idea of how much I’ve paid off - I’ve paid $118,297.81 off up to this point).
*note: December was a PHENOMENAL debt payment month for me (just over $4k).
Section Two: Income
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $2847.53
*after using the IRS refund calculator, it became clear that I was expecting a much higher refund, so I stopped having extra withheld. Eventually I’ll get the hang of it.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: $1442.72 (average monthly take home August-December 2020)
My retail job fully reopened, and I also applied for, and got a promotion, which meant both an hourly raise and more hours)
Any Other Monthly Income Here:

• Christmas $ from Mom & Dad - $1000
• Stimulus Checks - $1200 + $600 (Both of these went mainly to debt repayment)

Section Three: Expenses
Rent / Mortgage $980.00/month (+ $3.95 service charge when I pay online) (no change)
Retirement contribution: $115.58/month Roth IRA from work + $80.00/month into Stash Retire (no change)
Savings contribution: $0/month (Debt payments are the priority)
Investment contribution: None
Health/Dental/Vision Insurance: $76.38/month (Through work, it gets taken out biweekly)
FSA contribution: $27.78 biweekly (I set my annual contribution at $750 this year, up from $600)
Debt payments
Student Loan minimums: $55.54 is strictly the minimum for my FINAL (!!!) student loan, but as you all know by now, I have been attacking these with a vengeance and plan on this being gone no later than March.
Credit Card minimums: Avg. Monthly Payment $300. (as mentioned in the debt section, I have slipped slightly on allowing myself to use the credit card, but still have been able to lower my overall amount)
Wifi/Cable/Landline: $64.99/month
Cellphone: Still on the parental plan, but will be transitioning off. I’m shopping around and have started to budget.
Subscriptions: Apple storage - $2.99/month; Netflix- $8.99; (even though I’ve been able to be at home much much more, we still get a monthly barkbox for the toys; Spotify Premium - $9.99/month. Headspace - $14.99/month. Renaissance Periodization - $16.19/month
Laundry (if you pay per load): $40/month. I put aside $10 per paycheck.
Gym membership $75/month - I budget this much for my ROMWOD and Movement Vault monthly subscriptions. This also covers my monthly subscription for my WHOOP band. My retail side gig also provides $225/month to work out. This covers my monthly membership to my crossfit gym, as well as extra megaformer classes. $32.63/month for WHOOP; $13.95/month for ROMWOD; $9.99/month for Movement vault
Pet expenses: $150/month - includes pet insurance. This is what I put into my budget for insurance, food, grooming etc.) Barkbox 31.54/month; Pet insurance $79.24
Car payment / insurance / average gas:$100/month (as my dad plans on retiring within the next year, he will be signing over my car to me, meaning that I will be taking on my insurance. I fully acknowledge that this has been nice to not have to worry about, and that my parents have been absolutely amazing. The current annual insurance for my car looks like it will be around $450. Future money diaries will take this into account.
Renter insurance: $12.50/month
Average groceries / household supply spend; Looking at YNAB, my average spend has been just over $700/month. This seems insanely high for one person, but I do also follow a RP meal plan, meaning that I tend to eat A LOT to fuel my workouts. I also haven’t gone out basically at all ….
Regular therapy: N/A
Charitable Giving: $75/avg. August-Dec 2020 (Much of this was “rage” donating in the run up to the election)
Annual Expenses:
YNAB (You Need A Budget): $83.99/year
NB: Anytime I leave my house, I am masked, including gym visits. It’s honestly not terrible once you find a mask that works for you!
Day 1: Friday
5:45am: Alarm goes off and I get up to put the kettle on to start coffee. Today is a weigh in and weekly review for my meal/training plan, so I enter my numbers and see what my upcoming week will look like as far as my macros. I notice that my chest/shoulder are sore, and hurt when I take a deep breath, but assume that I just slept on my arm wrong. I take out the dog, feed him, and head out to my weightlifting class.
7:30am: Nope, not just sleeping on it wrong. I make it through the lifting portion, but when we start the metcon, I have to stop because it hurts too much to take a really deep breath, instead stretching and cheering everyone else on. Annoyed, but hopefully it’s nothing too crazy. I think it’s just a strain from my muscle up drills the day before. Once I get home, I make breakfast - a savory oatmeal with oats, cheese, chicken sausage, egg whites, and mushrooms, topped with a fried egg and za’atar seasoning from Trader Joe’s. YUM. I log into work and get settled in for a 2 hour (ugh) staff meeting.
11:00am: Finally done with that. Thank goodness for my camera getting to be off. I take a shower and get into “work” clothes - aka lululemon from top to bottom (align leggings, ebb to street crop tank, and a sit in lotus wrap). Back to work until it’s time for lunch, which I have just after noon (rice, sweet potatoes, bell peppers, and ground beef, topped with avocado). Work continues afterwards.
2:00pm: Time for work #2! It’s a fairly uneventful (and slow) afternoon/evening, which is ok after the craziness of the holiday season. And I only have to tell 2 people to put their masks on over their nose and they don’t give me an attitude - woohoo! Around 5 I eat my food on my 10 minute break - another taco-ish bowl, just without the avocado from earlier. I get out from work at 7:30pm.
8:00pm: Home, take the pooch out and feed him and make my casein hot chocolate (casein protein is a slower digesting type vs. whey and it’s my evening “meal” most of the time) plus a couple dark chocolate peanut butter cups. I facetime my Mom briefly and then we each put on our respective Star Wars shows - she and my Dad are watching the Mandolorian (they just got Disney+), and I’m deep into season 4 of the Clone Wars. Bedtime routine starts at 9:30 with a couple of melatonin gummies and I brush my teeth and wash my face (eye makeup remover, then Neutrogena foaming cleanser, and a nighttime moisturizer from Aldi). Snuggle up with the dog and a heating pad with a Headspace night sounds playing.
Daily Total: $0
Day 2: Saturday
5:50am: NO. It’s like 30 minutes before I want to wake up...NO.
6:10am: Uggggggh
6:20am: FINE. Dog outside, then fed. I make coffee and another savory oatmeal (AMAZING - same as yesterday, just no bell peppers). Catch up on podcasts and my YNAB budget. In happiest news, I can take a full big breath without that weird pain from yesterday! Yay!
10:00am: Home from my workout, which went amazingly - I love a good long chipper of a workout! I take the dog out for a little cold weather walk and then make my post-workout meal - Kodiak chocolate chip pancakes with blueberries! (use 1 egg and almond milk to make the pancakes and it fits my post-workout macros: 35P, 10F, 65C). I follow this with a cuddle session with the dog while watching Marple episodes and drinking coffee. I also add items to my lululemon shopping cart and exit out of it before I can spend money. While I get a great discount (especially on markdowns), I know I don’t really NEED anything, so I don’t get anything.
1:00pm: Off to the mall for work. I stop on the way to fill the gas tank ($25). It’s a busy day, but a good one - during my break I eat my taco bowl (rice, sweet potatoes, ground beef, peppers and avocado). I work until 7:30pm.
8:00pm: Home, dog out, casein hot chocolate - the usual. I’m nothing if not a creature of habit. I pull out a Trader Joe’s chocolate croissant to prove overnight in the oven. Bedtime is around 10pm.
Daily Total: $25
Day 3: Sunday
7:50am: Whoooops, I intended to wake up around 7:15, but I didn’t actually set the alarm. Luckily the dog wakes me up with a polite whine - I take him out, make coffee and a bowl of oatmeal (oats, almond milk, egg whites, topped with blueberries), and head to my workout around 9.
11:00am: 2 workout classes later, I’m home - post workout meal is the aforementioned chocolate croissant, and a little egg scramble of egg whites, mushrooms, chicken sausage and broccoli. The afternoon is spent with old Miss Marple episodes on Amazon Prime, combined with laundry and apartment cleaning.
3:00pm: I made a quick loaf of bread (2 hrs of rising, then shaping) and put it in the oven. Happily it turns out pretty damn tasty - I make Trader Joe’s Cippino (seafood soup) and have that with toasted fresh bread around 4/4:30pm. A Clone Wars marathon ensues - the Bills are playing in the AFC championship tonight, so the city is basically a giant ball of nerves. I don’t watch the games (and haven’t all season - mostly because I don’t have all the apps/cable), but I follow the score on my phone while watching many (MANY) episodes of Clone Wars. I facetime my mom and dad around 7 after they finish the Mandolorian and we can all squeal with excitement.
9:00pm: Melatonin gummies, contacts out, teeth brushed, face washed, bedtime.
Daily Total: $0
Day 4: Monday
5:45am: Awake, coffee, take the dog out, head to crossfit.
7:30am: Home, dog out again, then breakfast (homemade toast, everything but the bagel smoked salmon, scrambled egg+egg whites) and more coffee. I login to work at 8am, and get the morning podcasts going (Up First, the Daily, Post Reports, the Intelligence).
10:00am: I place a Target pickup order for the snacks for our break area at the mall (seltzer, peanut butter crackers, cookies, granola bars - all single serving packs). I will be reimbursed for this by the store. ($39.57 - I get a notice that an item isn’t available after I place the order...oh well)
11:00am: I’m traveling out of state for a couple of days - it’s a long awaited tattoo coverup (don’t get a tattoo for a significant other….I knew not to do this...and yet I still did), so I make my list of items to pack and things to remember to do (take out trash, do all my dishes, etc). I will be driving to my destination (Indiana), staying at a hotel by myself, going to the tattoo shop (masked), and back to the hotel. Not telling friends I’m there, not going out anywhere. And I’ve scheduled a test for 4 days after my return, per NYS rules. If I could make the drive nonstop, I would, but your girl isn’t giving herself a UTI lol. I’ll be masked and sanitized anytime I step out of my vehicle. Still super nervous, but getting this tattoo covered up is like….the final FINAL step. I also take a shower (finally, yes I’m gross and have been sitting in my workout clothes since I got home - god help me if I ever live with a human again lol).
2:00pm: Time for head out for work! On the way, I pick up my previously mentioned Target order, and also pick up meals for my trip from a local meal prep place - I get a bunch of great stuff (2 breakfasts, 2 dinners, 1 lunch plus energy bites for the car), plus it means that I can just hermit it up in the hotel room apart from the actual tattoo appointment. ($62.68). I get to the mall early before my shift starts - since I know I’ll have a tub in the hotel room, and I don’t have one in my apartment, I get a couple of bath bombs and lotion from Lush ($25.93) and a whole bunch of sheet masks from Sephora ($25.01). Then time for work - It’s a fairly quick shift, which is nice, not too terribly busy and we get a lot done. And people at the mall are generally not pills today - epic win!
8:15pm: Home from work - take the dog out and have a little evening meal of homemade soup from my co-worker (it’s a kale sausage soup her husband makes and it is AMAZING) and the rest of my homemade bread. I finish packing up and the poor pup definitely knows something is up. Bedtime around 10pm.
Daily Total: $153.19
Day 5: Tuesday
5:45am: Alarm, dog, coffee. Rather than dirtying dishes, I heat up one of the prepped breakfasts I brought (a breakfast sandwich with chicken, which is actually quite tasty - plus some blueberries). I get the car loaded up with my stuff and the dog - he’s staying with my parents while I’m gone - and head out by 7:15am. After I drop him off I top off my gas tank ($14.10), and also get a couple of bubly waters and a can of death wish coffee for the road ($6.25).
12:00pm: Lunch stop at panera - fuji apple chicken salad and a cup of chicken noodle soup - drive thru and eaten in the car ($10.94, but I have a gift card). Road Trip Podcasts: You’re Wrong About and Noble Blood.
3:00pm: Gas stop (there’s also a few bathroom stops, but since I didn’t spend anything, it’s not terribly relevant, right? :) ) ($27.01).
5:30pm: Arrival! Check in to the hotel - masked front desk employee, check. Bring my stuff up to my room, and jackpot - biiiiiiiiig tub. Looks like those bath bombs were a solid choice! Open up the work laptop to see if there is anything urgent - nothing crazy - and decide which meal I want for dinner. Bourbon Chicken with Broccoli and Sweet Potatoes it is. Plus a Sparkling Apple Cider vinegar beverage (ginger and lemon) from Trader Joes. Before I eat, I do a lower body focused stretching routine from ROMWOD since I spent so long in the car.
7:30pm: Bath Bomb, Face Mask, Feet Mask, and finished Night Stalker on Netflix. Since I’ll be quarantining until I get a negative COVID test after my trip, I order 10 meals through the same meal prep company that I got my travel meals from ($88.43 - includes both delivery fee and tip). They will be delivered on Sunday.
Daily Total: $146.73
Day 6: Wednesday
6:00am - I had intended to sleep longer, but my body is like - nope, you’re waking up at the same time no matter what. Coffee (keurig in the hotel room - ick) plus a prepped breakfast (a goat cheese egg white scramble with sweet potatoes - which is delicious). Morning podcasts and I open up the work laptop. Since I’m awake I guess.
7:30am: Hotel room workout - I do yesterday’s workout from my gym, with a few modifications, but it still feels great to move after sitting in the car for so long! Shower afterwards, then food (Mexican Taco Bowl!) and work.
10:30am: Squuuuueeee it’s time for my tattoo. I double mask up, drive through for a Starbucks order ($4.74 - paid for on my Starbucks app with previously loaded funds) and head to the shop! I already paid my deposit and took advantage of a gift card sale before Christmas so I don’t owe anything additional today. We do linework, shading, and partial color. It’s going to take 2 appointments to do the full thing, so we make my next appointment for May (augh, I cannot wait!). My coverup is over black text, so a cover up involves a LOT of layering of color. I’m impressed that I still have stamina after not getting a tattoo for nearly 3 years.This is going to be BEAUTIFUL.
2:30pm: After my tattoo appointment, I make a quick stop at CVS (still double masked!) to pick up aquaphor, orange dial soap, ibuprofen, and toothpaste (cause naturally that’s the one thing I forgot to pack - d’oh) ($22.00). I make a curbside pickup order for Panera - another soup and salad combo ($10.55 - again paid for with gift cards!). I head back to my hotel room, eat, put on more podcasts (Planet Money, Can He Do That, Code Switch) and log onto work. An uneventful afternoon follows.
6:00pm: Facetime call with my mom, then dinner and various true crime documentaries on Netflix and Pinterest browsing because as per usual, now I want allll the tattoos. I also put in an order for a grocery pickup on my way home (coffee, coffee creamer, fruit, etc) ($66.82). I try to make a testing appointment through NYS for my return COVID test on Monday, but the automated system keeps putting me in the first available, which is Friday….I’ll try to schedule again on Friday so that the timing works. Bedtime tattoo routine of wash, aquaphor and ibuprofen, as well as a sheet face mask. Sleep around 10:00pm.
Daily Total: $104.11
Day 7: Thursday
6:00am: Welp, up and at em! I finish packing all my stuff, check out of the hotel and warm up the car. I head out around 7:00am. Top off the gas tank ($12.80) and I also add $15 to my Starbucks card and drive thru a Starbucks (Spinach Feta Wrap + Cafe Misto with almond milk). Then it’s time for podcasts and lots of driving. My mom had suggested a podcast from Serial - S*%*Town. IT’S AMAZING and this drive has never gone so fast!
11:00am: (or sometime around this time) Stop for gas ($27.01) and another Starbucks stop ($15 reload) to get another misto, a bottle of water, and a fruit/cheese/hard boiled egg box.
3:00pm: I was going to try to make it all the way without stopping for anything else, but my stomach is about to eat itself. I stop at a Tim Hortons about 45 minutes away from my parents’ house and get timbits and a hot chocolate (which is gross) ($6.66 - eeep). I get to my parents’ house - my mom and dad stay upstairs and in the basement respectively while I use the bathroom and retrieve a very happy pup. Once I get everything out to the car, my mom and dad come outside (double masked, as am I) and we quickly wave and air hug from a distance. On the way home, I drive through the grocery pickup and get my groceries.
5:30pm: Finally home. The dog is very happy to be home too - my mom said when she would come into the bedroom where he was, he would look at her and be - “oh…..just you…”. Such a momma’s boy :) Dinner is actual food (the rest of the kale sausage soup). I also put together a batch of cranberry almond biscotti (based off the Ina Garten cherry pistachio biscotti) - the apartment smells delicious. Settling in for post-travel isolation lol.
9:30pm: Melatonin gummies, tattoo upkeep, and then bedtime with the dog!
Daily Total: $76.47
Weekly Total: $505.50
Food & Drink: $326.64
Fun & Entertainment: $0
Home & Health: $22.00
Clothes & Beauty: $50.94
Transport: $105.92
Reflections:
First, GODDAMN I AM SO EXCITED TO PAY OFF THIS STUDENT LOAN. Just paid another $200 on it this morning, so we’re under $800!! If you hear an excited scream from the Western New York area next month, don’t worry, it’s just me.
Second, this was a higher spend week than usual, but I’m really proud to have budgeted for all of it. I had basically prepaid for the tattoo (on the gift card) and there’s still leftover for my next appointment. I had also budgeted and saved for the increased amount of gas and food.
Third, hopefully this isn’t too boring. My life pre-pandemic wasn’t terribly interesting, and it certainly isn’t now lol. I’m hoping to continue my debt payoff progress by finishing paying off my credit card debt in 2021, and start saving my 3-6 month emergency fund before starting that house down payment savings! I’m even starting to allow myself to start actually looking at Zillow.
I have been isolating since I got back - just drove through and got my COVID test, so fingers crossed for a quick reply!
Lastly, the coverup tattoo is going to be beautiful. I can’t wait for it to be finished!
Thanks for reading this whole thing!

This is my own personal research/opinion on the potential upward momentum of this particular stock. Please always do your own research and treat this as theory crafting at most
CYMAT TECHNOLOGIES LTD. (Cymat Advanced Materials) TSXv: CYM (CYM.V) Fast facts:
Cymat Technologies is an advanced/experimental materials company based primarily out of Mississauga, Canada. Cymat produces a unique experimental material they dub "Stabilized Aluminum Foam" AKA SAF. This material is a porous, ultra light, ultra low density aluminum textile structurally similar to a sponge in appearance, but with spectacular structural strength properties despite its low weight. Cymat's SAF has potential use in a number of industries, of specific interest to us are architectural, automative, and military.
One-year Yahoo! Finance Chart Shareprice: $0.230 TTM Revenue: $1,687,000 Market Cap: $10.164M 52-Week Range: $0.16-0.31
Cymat Technologies is a very small-cap company with a very unique product applied to multiple different industries. Currently their best performing application is with their "Alusion" line of Architectural and Design panels. For several years Cymat has provided their "Alusion" line for contemporary architectural products. Its strength, rigidity, corrosion resistance, and extreme lightweight has been found desirable on a number of architectural products, including in the 9/11 Memorial Library. This line of products have generated most of the cash flow for the company over the years, as its aesthetic is uniquely contemporary and difficult to replicate through other means. That being said, selling SAF panels for artistic/architectural purposes is not what makes this company a compelling buy.

1. Cymat Technologies "SmartMetal" lines include SmartMetal Automotive and SmartMetal Military. These are the future moneymakers for this company. As it turns out, while SAF may be visually appealing to certain contemporary architecture fans, its functions as a novel material are vastly more interesting than its form. Cymat's SmartMetal Automotive division is currently working with Tesseract Structural Innovations to develop a unique "Uniform Deceleration Unit" (UDU), capable of being fit into the wheel well of virtually any light passenger vehicles to drastically reduce crash force, thereby also reducing impact shock and intrusion of vehicle components into the passenger space. Cymat's SAF material absorbs more energy than any other approach per unit of added weight, making it a spectacular innovation for improving vehicle safety at a low cost and without hindering vehicle performance. The Tesseract UDU using Cymat's SAF is currently patent pending but has won awards in Global Automotives.

This partnership between Cymat and Tesseract is new as of October 2020 and stands to produce substantial revenue for both companies should marketing campaigns to automative manufacturers take flight.

1. The Big Kahuna and catalyst for share-price explosion moving forward: Cymat Technologies SmartMetal Military. As previously mentioned, Cymat's SAF meterial is extremely lightweight, can be formed to specification, and offers exceptional strength on a pound-for-pound basis. These properties make it highly desirable for military applications, specifically for lightweight/high-mobility vehicles in need of IED protection. Traditional roadside IEDs are difficult to mitigate as the undercarriage of light vehicles are challenging to protect without adding significant weight and reducing performance considerably. SAF with its spectacular shock-absorbing properties at low weight make it an incredible innovation for lightweight anti-IED defenses. Structual IED defenses are a $50m worldwide industry, and Cymat has a pending purchase agreement with the Singaporean Military for 100 kits of their SAF SmartMetal vehicle defense system, expected to close in early 2021 at roughly $50,000 per kit. That's $5m in revenue expected to be finalized from a single Military contract in Q12021. A reminder once again that this company has a current market cap of barely $10m. A standard 10x annual revenue based calculation could bring this market cap to over $50m with a single sale this year. That's an imminent opportunity to 5x a current investment.

In addition to the above, Cymat Technologies is also expecting to close a sale in partnership with Nobel Sport and the French Armed Forces for hundreds of thousands of custom non-lethal rubber bullets with an SAF core. Traditional rubber bullets are unpredictable and difficult for law enforcement and riot prevention teams to aim, leading to significant risk of collateral damage and injury to unintended victims. Cymat's low-weight SAF cores offer stability to non-lethal rounds making them more predictable and better tools for riot control.
Company Outlook: I wanted to start this series with a bang and Cymat Technologies is a great company, in my opinion, to shine light on first. It has a very low market cap and a single unique and transformable product with a variety of interesting applications. With the architectural and design business of their Alusion lines, Cymat expects to be able to support their R&D of further applications without the need for further financing. With a $5,000,000 contract waiting to finalize, this company is on the verge of a potential share price explosion. With very little attention this company is an absolute Dark Horse. Trading below a 52-wk high of 0.50, it is currently unavailable on WealthSimple, but it should be available anywhere else that TSX.V equities are traded.
Timeline: 6-12 months before lift-off Price Target: $1.00-1.50 Catalysts for Growth: Singapore Military Contract signing, French Armed Forces Purchase Agreement, Brokerage Inclusion.
Verdict? I like the stock, but what do I know, this ain't financial advice.
Current Position: 20,200 shares @ 0.267

Background

Well, it’s finally happened to me. After 7 years in the state government, many sacrifices, and an incredible journey forward in this field, I’m being completely taken advantage of and ignored.
I started working in a chemistry department once I left college. This agency was the first place that offered me a position as I started applying for jobs, and for a salary that was very competitive starting out. Those should have been the first signs of things going amiss. I went through the “training” program for new scientists, which in reality became clear that it was more of an elimination program than training. I moved forward to the last portion of the training before faltering myself. I was given one final chance to finish the training if I wished, but instead I made a deal to take a demotion and have a secure position while I looked for other work.
It turned out that during my time in this new lower end role, I was made aware of some issues with spreadsheets that people on the instrument team were having. I offered to put my programming degree (my Associates Degree I got before my B.S in Chemistry) to work and re-wrote the macros with proper VBA structured code. I customized the ribbon interface to exactly how they needed it, and made everyone’s life easier. I earned a higher recognition of anyone who had ever worked in that type of role of before.

Starting Helpdesk

That accomplishment landed the attention of a friend of mine who also worked there. He noticed that the agency had just opened a DBA Jr. position. Checking out the requirements, I thought I’d be a good fit. I went to speak candidly with the DBA manager about the position. He was very excited about me applying. After putting in my application, I was denied the entry DBA position on a technicality of requirements by HR. Despite going to bat for me, both the DBA manager and Assistant Director of our section of the agency were denied getting me into the position. So instead, they created a Helpdesk position for me specifically (the DBA Jr. position was never filled, no qualified applicants wanted to work for $42K).
TL;DR: I got into a Helpdesk position after taking a pay cut from a lab scientist position, and passed over for a real chance at a DBA Jr position.
I spent the next two years in the Helpdesk I position. My duties from day one were:
Handle our secure archiving system
Check and manage server backups
Deploy/rack servers and configure new server hardware specs (I’m a hardware nerd)
Correct issues of all different kinds in our production SQL Server DB (I have root access)
Regular Helpdesk tasks of all tiers
At this point I was making $31K/yr
They ended up hiring a new DBA II position and used a test to screen the candidates this time. The kicker, they had me take the test first and used my score as the pass score for the candidates.
Soon after this, the DBA manager retired and left the DBA II to his responsibilities. He was made my manager, and we started working more closely with each other. We saw some successes. The challenges were huge though.
Our environment has all the hallmarks of a mess. We had it all, almost all bare-metal “pets”, super slow VMs running off of a 1Gbe backbone (yes, you read that right) and RAID 5 SAS drives, programs written on top of a proprietary database with no codebase to be found anywhere, no real budget with which to make projections, and the list goes on. I should note that at this point most of the IT “services” in this agency are provided by AT&T and IBM. We have no control of AD or network on our own.

Developer

After a while, a new position was opened for a Web Developer. I applied to this competitive position and landed the role, finally I was up to $46K/yr and could breathe easier at night. After taking this position, my skills have shot WAY up. I now have managed or have become comfortable with the following
The C# language
ASP.net core with Web API pattern
Front-end design with React
Docker for making containers and compose for automating deployment (single host)
Nginx for hosting and reverse proxy
Helming a project to replace our whole hardware infrastructure with a brand new dHCI cluster from HPE
Designing new microservices lab wide architecture to replace the old programs with new ones based on Domain Driven Design
Some basic Azure functionality (mostly App registration, Azure AD SSO, and Azure Container Registry)
… and lots more
All of these I do alone. My manager isn’t really proficient in any of these areas outside of SQL Server.
TL;DR: I did a LOT of different stuff, and I did it well. I got moved into a Web Dev position two and a half years ago. I now do even more stuff. I had a change in manager to the new guy.

The Problem

Here’s the issue. I’ve been eligible for a promotion to Web Developer II since Apr. 2020. After having conversations with my manager about being ready to move into the step up, I was verbally assured that the promotion was time based not merit based (not that I’d worry if it was). I did not get promoted last April. I was told that because of the budget, things might move more slowly. This caused me to scratch my head a bit as the finance office budgets for the salary of all position and promotions once they are approved, so the money should have already been in hand to promote me. Then I was told August was when the bulk of new promotions would be done. There were many promotions in August ’20, but I wasn’t in them. Then I was told that more money was spent on new hires and the promotion would come in December ’20. Early in December, I was suddenly asked to provide records of my finishing my Web Developer “Training” (a joke to be sure, as no one else on the team knows any the tech I’m using, and it’s my job to train the DBA and former programmer how my new systems all work. In addition I paid for most of my training out of pocket with Udemy courses and Humble Bundle book deals). I received no promotion in Dec ’20.
Fast forward to yesterday. In a passing remark, my DBA “manager” mentions that one of my current projects in focus needs to get finished so they can move forward with getting me paid appropriately. I was completely taken aback. The current project hadn’t even been started until after I was eligible for the promotion in the first place, and it’s not on any of my annual review paper work; which is the guiding document for my responsibilities for the next year. I’m completely blown away by the obviously moving goal post, and I feel like I’m being targeted specifically for some reason.
You wanna know the salt in this wound? My DBA II co-worker was required, in his starting contract, to complete the SQL Server 461 exam for his continued employment at the agency. He never completed it, despite failing it at least once. He was promoted to the former DBA manager’s position around a year and a half ago.
I just feel upset and I’m ready to start moving on from here. It’s become obvious that I’m not valued, and I’m not wanted. I just feel used at this point. I’ve saved the lab system time and again from major outages of servers, databases, and application so many times over the last 3 years it seems unbelievable that I’d be lied to and treated this way.
I’m done.
If any of this sounds like you, please do yourself the favor and cut ties with you employer as soon as you reasonably can. Your job isn't worth feeling like this.
(I'm sorry if this is too long for some. I just needed to clear my head and stuff off of my chest. If you've read it all, thank you.)

The Humans are old.
No one knows exactly how old they are, it’s believed they were the first space fairing species in the galaxy or at the very least the only one to have survived antiquity. Some revere them as gods; they believe the Humans travelled the galaxy in their youth, terraforming planets and seeding them with life. Others believe the Humans uplifted the various sentient species of the galaxy; gifting them culture and technology, teaching them how to sail the stars before departing and leaving them to their own devices.
Whatever the truth of the matter is I doubt we’ll ever know, no one had seen a Human for generations. They had retreated into isolation centuries before my species even achieved sentience. The theocracies of the galaxy insist they are still alive, choosing to silently watch over their scions and allow our civilisations to flourish or wither based on our own merits. The less superstitious species believe the Humans to have perished long ago; tiring of their long existence they succumbed to apathy and left the galaxy to the younger races, their population gradually diminishing until their once great civilisation was snuffed out.
Scholars and theologians have argued for decades about the ultimate fate of the Humans, wars were even fought over it but no definite conclusion had been drawn. All that is known for certain is that the Humans were gone and all that remained of them was the Void.
The Void is a vast expanse of space sealed away in an impregnable bubble. When the Humans withdrew from the galactic stage they erected this barrier around their domain which prevented anything from passing through it; ships, transmissions, even light was stopped by the barrier leaving an empty, pitch black void as the only proof of their existence. Attempts were made to contact the Humans during the early days of their seclusion but nowadays most would view such an attempt as sacrilege, the belief that the Humans went into reclusion for a reason beyond our comprehension and that we should not disturb whatever work they are doing was prevalent throughout the galaxy’s Humanic religions.
Our planet was so close to the Void that for parts of the year the night sky was veiled in darkness. We thought it was a natural phenomena we had yet to decipher only to later be told it was the remnants of a once great civilisation. We were discovered shortly after our first forays into space travel, an automated survey ship which searched for any signs of Human activity or any changes in the Void happened upon us as we attempted to reach our moon and reported our presence back to it’s creators.
When the ambassadors from across the galaxy came to our planet they greeted us with a fervour that surprised us. Apparently our civilisation is the first to originate so close to the Void. We were being held up as proof that their mythological Humans were still active, that our existence served to prove that they were still actively seeding life and raising them to sentience. As they argued among themselves about the meaning of our existence we sat back bemused. We had never heard of these Humans before, not in any recorded history nor did the creation myths of our religions describe such beings being responsible for creation of our species. We tried to inform them of this but they ignored our attempts to interject and so we just left them to it. They seemed happy enough to debate subjects they had seemingly been arguing about for centuries without the need for our input.
But not all greeted our existence with excitement.
The Senrec believed themselves to be the last species the Humans had uplifted before their isolation. Before we appeared they were the ones born closest to the Void and even boasted that their forbearers sailed the stars alongside the Humans though few besides themselves believed their claims. Our emergence was an affront to them. They were enraged by the fact our world was so close to the Void, they claimed we were abominations, aberrations who sought to usurp their place as Humanity’s final child. And so they declared war on us.
They attacked in droves, fleets of ships flooded into our system and unleashed the full might of their armies upon us. We were no match for them. We had barely achieved space flight when we were inducted into the galactic community and were defenceless against such a host. Their ships bombarded us from orbit before their armies swept through the rubble to slaughter any who survived. We cried for help into the void of space but our new friends were too far to help us, the best they could do was try and reason with the Senrec; threaten them with sanctions and excommunication and even outright war unless they stopped their genocide but their pleas and threats fell on deaf ears as the Senrec were determined to kill us all.
I had barely reached maturity at the time of the invasion and was eager to fight but I was left behind to guard the children while the adults went out to face the onslaught. I had begged to go with them, I insisted that I would be of more use than the elders they were taking with them who could hardly walk let alone fight but my father and mother refused, instead placating me by saying they were leaving the most precious possessions in my care. It is only in hindsight as I recall the tears in my mother’s eyes as she kissed me goodbye on the forehead that I realised that they were trying to protect me as well.
The defence of our city went poorly. The Senrec overwhelmed our forces with numbers alone, our weapons proving to be little more than an inconvenience to them as they stormed through our city. Soon I was all that stood between the children and the Senrec.
I remember standing in the courtyard in front of the door where the children hid, the wooden spear shaking as I held it in my trembling hands. All of our conventional weapons had been distributed to those who went out to fight the Senrec, I imagine they thought should they be unable to stem the tide leaving me a gun would be of little use. The Senrec started to fill the courtyard, dozens of them staring at me with apparent amusement. I fearfully stood my ground, not that I would have had anywhere to run to. I dared not move to attack them lest I leave the children to my back unprotected and the Senrec troops seemed content to leave me be until their commander arrived.
He strode towards me with a derisive smirk and threw my father’s severed head at my feet. I remember feeling something breaking inside of me. With a scream I charged at the commander with my spear extended only for him to catch it mid-thrust and delivered a backhanded slap to my face sending me to the floor. I can remember how his men laughed and jeered at me as I spat out a tooth and the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. The commander threw my spear back at me, daring me to get back to my feet and continue the fight. Using the spear to help me stand I charged at him again only for him to slam his fist against my nose shattering it instantly.
Over and over again I rose to my feet and threw myself at him in a vain attempt to defeat him but every time he sent me sprawling onto the floor until it took everything I had just to stand up again. As I staggered towards him he had apparently tired of toying with me and thrust a knife between my ribs. Twisting the blade cruelly he threw me to the floor and strode towards where the children were hiding. I summoned the last of my strength to grab hold of his ankle only for him to shake me off and kick me in the stomach forcing me to curl into a ball and cough up blood. I could do nothing but wallow in despair as I watched him approach the door. And just as he was about to open it a star fell from the sky.
The object crashed into the courtyard raising a plume of dust as the Senrec were knocked off their feet. When the dust settled it revealed a large pod had landed crushing several Senrec with it’s impact. Staring wearily at the pod the commander gestured for some of his men to inspect it. As they approached it four panels were blown off of each side of the pod from which four armoured figures leapt out guns blazing. While our weaponry had proven ineffective against the Senrec whatever these warriors were using tore through several Senrec with a single shot. By the time the Senrec realised they were under attack half of them had already been killed. With their own weapons having no impact on the armoured warriors the Senrec abandoned their guns and moved in with their blades drawn hoping to settle in close quarters but their adversaries proved to be more than a match for them. While the smaller two continued to use their guns the other two drew their own knifes, their blades glowing with a cold blue fire they cut down every enemy who came within range.
I watched in amazement as the Senrec fell one after another until they had all been killed. Struggling to my feet despite my injuries I hobbled towards my saviours. Noticing my approach one of them turned to me and removed his helmet. He was of a species I had never seen before but as soon as I saw his eyes I knew what he was. Those grey eyes of his seemed so old, as if they burdened by the weight of millennia, as if they had borne witness to the birth and death of countless stars. Falling to my knees before him which led to him grasping my shoulders to steady me as I stared up at him in awe. “Y-You came…” I gasped out “How… Why are you here?”
With the corner of his mouth twitching up into a small smile the Human replied “You lot were making one hell of racket so we had to come and see what all the noise was about.”
My eyes went wide as I realised what he meant. We had screamed and prayed and begged for salvation and deep within the Void the Humans had heard our cries for help. And they came to save us. With tears welling up in my eyes my body was wracked with sobs as I reached up to grasp his wrists and cried out “Thank you!” Over and over I offered them my thanks as tears spilled down my face until my voice was horse and I started to cough up blood again.
Realising the extent of my injuries the Human gently laid me back on the ground and called over one of his compatriots. Kneeling next to me she removed her helmet and I gasped as I gazed upon her. She was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. Her hair was the colour of fire and flowed freely down her back and her ancient green eyes stared down compassionately at me. I don’t know what came over me but I reached up to caress her cheek. She smiled down at me and reached up to take my hand in hers and assured me I was going to be alright.
I shook my head knowing it was too late for me and gestured towards were the children hid “Please…” I rasped out painfully “Save the children.”
As the grey eyed human gestured to one of the others to investigate the female Human squeezed my hand reassuringly and said “Don’t worry, we’ll get you patched up in no time.”
“No!” I gasped out “There’s thousands of them… too many… even for the four of you. Take the children… please!” I begged her.
“shhh.” she said soothingly “What makes you think it’s just the four of us?”
I stared at her for a long while not comprehending what she meant until she gestured up to the sky. Following her finger I gasped in surprise as I saw streaks of lights flying across the night sky as if stars were falling from the heavens. Realising what they were relief flooded my body and I started to laugh. Even as I coughed up blood and tears streamed from my eyes I couldn’t stop laughing. As the children rushed out of their room and gathered around they joined me in staring up in awe at the falling stars. The last thing remember before every thing turned dark was the sound of my laughter ringing in my ears.
When I awoke over a week had passed and the Humans were already gone. I was told that they had annihilated the invading Senrecs to a man, the flaming wreckage of their ships still hanging listlessly in our orbit before scouring the planet to gather together the few remaining survivors of our species. By the time the other races in the galaxy arrived in our system they were met with the astounding sight of the Human ships returning to their Void. The news spread through the galaxy like wildfire.
The Humans Were Alive!
The galaxy flocked to our desecrated planet in droves. When they found us huddled together they treated us with such reverence it was unsettling. They wanted to know everything about the Humans; how big were they? What did they look like? Did they talk to us? What did their voices sound like? What weapons did they use? We told them what little we knew and they devoured every scrap of information we gave them. When we told them that the Humans had heard our cries for help and came to save us. This sent shock waves through the galaxy, not only were the Humans alive but they were listening to us! All of a sudden various cult leaders found themselves vindicated in their beliefs and their number of followers swelling.
When I told them about the extent of my injuries and how the Humans must have healed me the top physicians from every species came to examine me. They all agreed that I should have died, my wounds too deep for even their most advanced surgical techniques to have saved me but whatever the Humans did to me was beyond their comprehension. My ribs had been crushed by the Senrec commanders kick resulting in my heart being pierced by the fractured bone. The Humans had apparently replaced my heart with… something else. The doctors had no idea what it was or how it worked and every test they ran came back inconclusive. They had wanted to operate on me to examine the new organ but the priests forbade it, they claimed it was a divine gift given to me by the Humans and it was not for the likes of them to tamper with. The doctors disagreed; insisting they could learn so much from my new heart, that this knowledge was a gift to all life in the galaxy not just me but the priests would not be moved. I snuck away unnoticed as the argument started to become heated.
As I walked thorough our destroyed capital I could see various aliens roaming the streets. Some were discussing how to start the rebuilding process, finding the idea of the planet the Humans had come to save left in such ruins distasteful while others argued that the planet was now a holy site, the first place in millennia that a Human had set foot needed to be preserved as it was for prosperity. None of them thought to ask our opinion on the matter. There were others who were scouring the planet for any Human Tech they could find. Apparently even the residue from the Human’s weapons were a noteworthy discovery, it was being said that the corpses of Senrec soldiers killed by the Humans would lead to breakthroughs that would advance the current technological progress by generations.
Speaking of the Senrec, I have been told they are no more. The theocracies made good on their promises to launch a Holy War against them and with the entirety of their military destroyed by the Humans they were defenceless against the righteous crusade though by all accounts that wouldn’t have mattered. Having their beloved Humans turn their fury upon them caused the Senrec as a whole to grow despondent and they resigned themselves to oblivion, as if an integral part of their racial identity had been stripped away from them leaving despairing husks in their place.
As for my own species we are being hailed as Humanity’s favoured child. We are being treated with such reverence that it appears that pilgrimages are being planned just for the chance to lay their eyes upon us. They had best hurry before it is too late; there are so few of us left they may not have a chance to gawk. The other races are unsure if we have a minimum viable population and as such are considered an endangered species. We’ve been assured that they will do all they can to ensure our survival, they believe our extinction would lead to the Humans unleashing their fury upon the galaxy for failing to protect us.
At least I can rest assured in the knowledge that the children will be well taken care of. They are practically being deified by the other races. There has been talk of me becoming some sort of religious leader, they say that the Humans saving my life is proof that the have some sort of plan for me but I have no interest in such things. I have no idea if the Humans created us, what their role in the galaxy is or what plans they may have so how could I lead any sort of religion? All that I do know is that the Humans are listening.
The knowledge that the Humans heard our cries for help has caused a resurgence in interest in piercing the Void. Some are theorising that the Void is thinner in certain places which allows for transmissions to pass through, that the only reason the Humans have been silent for so long is that our messages have failed to reach them. They want to establish a research institute on our planet to test this theory though they seem to be at odds with the theocracies who wish to enshrine our entire planet as a holy site.
Of late, I find myself drawn to the Void, the beat of the artificial heart they gave me thunders in my ears as I stare up into the night sky at the inky blackness of the Void. I no longer feel a connection to this planet; I have no family left and the other races see intent on transforming it to suit their needs if they ever manage to form a consensus. Instead I feel a yearning to traverse the Void, as if a beacon is drawing me to it. I want to meet the Humans who saved me, I want to thank the Human with compassionate emerald eyes and a fiery mane who held my hand in hers as I lay dying in that courtyard. Whenever I think of her my new heart pounds in my chest. Perhaps this is their way of calling to me, summoning me to their presence or perhaps I’m just allowing the priest’s words to fill my head with delusions of grandeur.
Regardless of the truth of the matter I know that I will no longer be content to be confined to this planet. I’m sure I’ll be able to secure transport off planet, it seems that I wield no small amount of clout among both the religious and the scientific factions. Finding a way to pierce the Void will be another matter entirely but I’m in no rush. Even if it takes a lifetime of effort it’ll be worth it just to stand in their presence again.