Rachel Schneider
ENG 477
Date 1/11/2021
Marsha Blackburn
A Writing Portfolio
I want to write my own fiction stories one day; I have had a book or two swimming around in my head so I will put the computer to good use and get that typed out one of these days. In this instance I chose my 5 stories and even though one is a marketing inquiry I had fun writing it, so here are my things and some background some of them.
Resume: It is a basic one because my photo ones were not particularly good, and this is an honest resume besides the ones I made for class and I did fudge on those.
Cover letter: I made up the cover letter though there is a penguin Books but it is always fun to use your imagination!
Hike with Drew: I got the concept from a Writer’s Digest and entered it into a contes I never got a response but good practice.
Short Story Vegas: Was one I did for another class but in here I changed it and the story was much better the second time.
Marketing Flyer: This was fun to do those are stock photos of the dogs and squeaky toys, but I like Pit Bulls and dog toys are fun as well.
Scott part 1-This is a story I am working on with another writer, warning its very sexy and some naughty words are in there as well.
Writing Samples: I made these three samples up one day because as I have looked for writing work, I have seen people want a sample of your work, so I came up with these.
Rachel
Schneider

3867 Houghton Ave Riverside CA 92501 📷
951-743-8911 📷
[email protected] 📷
Rachel Schneider 📷
Rachel7Tori-Twitter 📷
📷

Objective
To get a career going in the fiction/short story writing industry my imagination can run with any scenario and to write is to live.
📷

Education
Bachelor of Arts in English | Grand Canyon University
2017 – 2021
Took 15 different writing courses, creative writing and even two fun marketing classes all to polish up my craft. Carried a 3.0 GPA and did the courses all online as well.
No Degree Obtained | Riverside Community College
June 1994 – December 1996
Took these college courses but did not finish got 32 Units of Child Development Courses though which is what I was going for
📷

Experience
Cafeteria Worker 1
2008 Currently Employed.
Cook, Prep, serve food in a middle school setting, also clean, count inventory and do next day prep, cash handling and POS register experience.
Bell Ringer | Salvation Army
November 2007 – December 2007
Rang bell and collected donations for the salvation Army in front of various stores during the holiday season.
📷

Skills
Food handlers Card
CPR First Aid certified

Grammar Proficiency
Spelling Proficiency
Can work from home
📷

Activities
Have good use of social media and can help update or bring in new followers with my creative writing side. Have a Reddit account as well with 30 stories up on that site. Can speak a little Spanish and Hebrew as well.
951-743-8911
[email protected]
3867 Houghton Ave Riverside CA 92501

Rachel Schneider

Writer

Penguin Books

Dear JENNIFER MCGREGOR,

1/21/2021
Jennifer McGregor
Fiction Publisher
4587 Tropicana Rd.
Las Vegas NV 89102

I have included my resume for the short story writer for young adult novels. It has been a few years, but I currently work in a middle school, so I do see all the angst and sass that goes with being a young teen. I do hope my writing samples can help me move to the top of the list. I look forward to working with Penguin Books and letting kids know being a teen is hard at first, but it does not last forever.
Sincerely,
Rachel Schneider
Rachel Schneider
3867 Houghton Ave
Riverside CA 92501
It had been a long cold winter Drew and I could not get out for a morning hike till today. Being 75 degrees, we did not have to wear many layers. He is an extremely sweet inquisitive boy who always asks a lot of questions. Why does moss grow on the north side of trees” he asks? Its times like this when it would be nice to have my husband here, but he is overseas where the work is. “well, it’s not just the north side it’s on the shadier side because that is where the moisture is.”
On we went looking at snails on the ground watching the deer pass by along a ridge. Being quiet as to not startle them. “Mom he whispered it’s a bunny den they are coming out for food, he leaves a few carrot and lettuce scraps from last night’s dinner. I walked down the path and spotted some glorious Blue Jays and a Downey Woodpecker. “Listen Drew the woodpecker is getting the bugs out of the trees.” My sweet Drew was staring at the Bunnies, they are cute and fluffy after all. We followed our path down further after the bunnies went back to the den.
The skies were getting cloudy, so I hoped the rain was not going to come back. Though the weather report said there was a chance. My little explorer with his school uniform on was undeterred, I wish I could wear shorts on a 75 day and not be cold, it is always nice to be young. Walking along our path we spot some squirrels running in circles around the tree. “Why do the chase each other like that” Drew asks. “Maybe it’s a game for them like ring around the Rosie.”
On we trek to our favorite stream where the deer family are taking their drinks. I tell Drew we cannot skip stones right now we do not want to scare them. We look through the grass for more of his favorite bugs, saw some worms just below the dirt by a tree. Looking up we see a big spider web being made between two branches. The crows were making their calls in the distance. We are finally able to skip our stones in the stream. He gets some great skips going, and we collect some new rocks for our little garden back home.
Walking past the stream we climb up the embankment and up along the ridge where we see a Fox off in the distance. He or she walks the opposite direction we are going so it is a relief we can continue to the clearing. Where there are more bugs, rocks, and Bunnies. We pass the Deer family as they run up the hill to were, they mostly frolic or maybe they live up there. We stop for a snack of Apples, Almonds, and some cheese sticks. When we were finished Drew put a couple of slices in his pocket to feed the Bunnies, I am sure.
“Mommy we’re getting to the clearing now we can see the Bunnies and the last time Daddy, and I were here I got some neat rocks too.” Drew told ne enthusiastically, I did love his passion for nature, though again my husband is much better at the nature stuff. I am a pastry Chef ask me about desserts and I am your woman, about why moss grows on trees and hello Google. Since Dad is unavailable, I step in and let him explore and see the world outside of the house and off the screen.
It is just another half mile and it is on to the clearing. He starts to pull me hand a little harder I know he is excited. We pass under the tree I glance up and see the Fox again. Then we stop and see “Daddy home……
Name: Rachel Schneider
Course: ENG 361
Date: 4/14/2020
Instructor: Debbie Graves
One Week In Las Vegas
The countdown started Friday at 2pm I got the week off from this thing I call a job (just over broke). The car was packed, it was time to hit the road. The traffic was average and climbing the Cajon Pass was not that bad. I stopped in Baker to have my favorite meal at Bob’s Big Boy, the chili spaghetti, no onions. After making my way back on the highway the traffic picked up going out of Baker, through to Primm and Stateline. I had to stop for gas at Whiskey Pete’s, so I also went in and got some snack goodies. My favorite trail mix and some cheese potato chips because vending machines are too expensive. The road was beckoning so off I went, traveling through Jean is always nice, not much to see. A prison, a few remaining casinos, some outbuildings, and a truck stop. There slogan was always fun 40 smiles closer than Vegas. You can get bored so be sure to pack some music you can have your own car concert. “I’ll face it with a grin I’m never giving in, on with the show” (Show Must Go on by Queen)
Finally, the Vegas skyline is in sight, the lights are not on yet, but they will be needing to navigate around the strip. I do say a few words the terrible drivers. This vacation was so needed my job is crazy, my kids are older now and do not need mom around anymore. Off they went to grandma’s house and I booked the week at the Delano, it is attached to the Mandalay bay so perfect access to all the fun of the strip, and just enough luxury to not look cheap. Getting the valet to take the car I check into my genuinely nice room I have a great view of the Luxor light (that comes off the top of the hotel) and the Excalibur. Now off to indulge in that genuinely nice bathtub and get some overdue reading done. My bathroom with a view has the Luxor light and that is the brightest light on the Vegas strip it comes right out of the top of the Pyramid shaped hotel. A brightness of 42.3 billion candela, you could read a paper from 10 miles straight up if you wanted to.
Once I was well soaked and finished with my chapters it was time to find something to eat besides my snack foods. After cruising the room service options, I settled on some Mexican food of chorizo and eggs with nice corn tortillas. That hit the spot so with the extra energy it was time to get out for a stroll of the property. The indoor pool is nice but small and I want to soak up the sunshine and get some exercise so I shall hit the outdoor pool tomorrow. Back in the lobby I grab those ads for things to do in the city so I can plan out the rest of my trip. There are thousands of things to do in Vegas. Do not be disappointed if you do not get everything done, that is what the next trip is for. I have a beautiful week and I want to have a good time and not have to wait for anybody, I can do what I want. I got those and cruised up through the lobby and toward the casino on my way there I saw a sign for a food and wine festival. With that guy Zac from the travel channel. Thinking hmm I did not know he was interested in food or wine. I went down and found my favorite penny slot game Lucky cat. After 15 minutes I came out putting 20 in and winning 500, so I called it a night and went to the bar to catch a hockey game and grab a fun fruity drink (I like tequila sunrise, (Tequila, grenadine, and cranberry juice). As I am rooting for the Golden Knights (local Vegas hockey team) I looked over to my left and there was Zac from the travel channel, and he likes hockey too this is awesome, and I am trying not to be a fan girl.
The game was in intermission and the Knights were winning so it was time for a new fruity drink so this time I turned around to get back to the bar and bumped right into Zac, boy was my face red. After some apologies and an offer to buy my next fruity drink (a Strawberry Daiquiri) it was a yes and I spilled that I was a fan. He told me he does have an interest in food and wine not just chasing ghosts with his crew. We had some great conversation and when the game came back on, we both sat in the booth cheering the golden knights to their victory. Now I am buzzed and standing up was going to be fun, but Zac was a true gentleman and helped me to my feet. He offered to buy me dinner. The Taco Hut was a good place the tortillas were fresh, and the company was so cool. The conversation turned to food, wine, travel, and some stuff about me. The midnight hour rolled around, and Zac had an early morning, so we said goodnight, but he was staying one floor above me, so we agreed to go to the diner in the lobby for breakfast or brunch. At 10am I was enjoying my company and this great stick to your ribs breakfast (scrambled eggs, sausage, hash browns and some great watermelon) The food offerings in Vegas are so varied you can get everything from a hot dog and beer for 1.99 at the Orleans, to a 5-star meal at Caesar’s Palace the buffets are great too. Although sometimes you want a nice sit-down dinner.
The conversation was effortless the attraction was deep. We made plans to see each other again after the food contest he was judging was over. Saying goodbye was a bit hard but the hand holding was sweet and made me feel like a schoolgirl again. After saying goodbye and I did watch him walk into the convention hall I went back to my room to plan out the rest of my day. I chose a tour of the Mob Museum, they say that Vegas was built with Mob money, but it was a Mormon founded town that later Hollywood discovered. Then many people in Hollywood who were well connected (such as East Coast mobsters) financed Bugsy Segal to build the Flamingo Hotel. As I was putting my shoes on, I got a knock on the room door and as I opened it, I got some flowers (pink roses) and an all-access pass to the food and wine festival courtesy of Zac. Let us just say the Mob Museum can wait for later I got to go to a food and wine festival and spend the rest of the week with Zac. “hi Zac thanks for the flowers it was sweet of you to remember.” He said, “It’s always right to remember a ladies flower preference because that’s the right thing to do.” Smiling the rest of the day I meet other travel channel celebrities and got to taste some great foods and many different wines. The food and wine offerings at the hotels and restaurants are varied, the Las Vegas area have become very international, so the varieties are endless.
The week went by in a blur of food, wine, conversation, and some sweet dates. I never thought I would get over the break-up that happened the week before. Getting a private Vegas tour was something completely special. I did get to see the Mob Museum, Mandalay Bay Fine Art Museum, seven magic mountains, Pinball Hall of fame and a private dinner at the food and wine festival. My days in Vegas were down to one. We had reservations at Rivera right here at the Delano the view is amazing, the food is impressive with Italian and French offers. “I have had a wonderful time this week Zac thank you for mending my broken heart.” He looked at me for a minute and said, “it’s been a pleasure to get to know you and I would not mind visiting your hometown, you always have a reason to come back to Las Vegas. The next food and wine festival is around Christmas, this one will include chocolate.” Hitting the 15 early the next morning I have visions of Christmas, a pass to the food and wine festival, also a brand-new relationship to take back home with me.
The End
When writing a short story, you want to keep it from rambling and have enough details to keep it fresh. When your reader gets into the story you want them to feel like they are there with you, going to the food and wine festival, on that hike through the seven-mountains or touring the mob museum. The details are the thing to see and make sure to watch out for punctuation and common language. An average short story is within 6,00 words or 24 pages. If you wanted too you could go short-short story and that is between 500 and 2,00 words. That comes out to be 6 pages (Minot, Steven Ch. 7 pg. 41), talk about short stories. The story is all your length and style matter as much as how you want it to come into focus.
Minot, Steven and Theil Daniel Three genres the writing of literary pose, poems and plays Ninth edition Pearson Publications 2012
Bouncing Dog Toy Emporium
August 18,2019📷📷
24755 Holly Grove Way
Brookings OR, 97415
Dear Dogs, Rule the World
I am Rachel Schneider from the Bouncing Dog Toy Emporium we make extra bouncy dog toys for our furry friends. We investigated different marketing companies and choose you to do our direct to customer marketing. The way the website is set up the customers can get the product’s directly from you is easier than a multi-level marketing plan. The distribution of Bouncy Dog Toy will be a one level channel, we will provide the toys you market, and we sell them. I would like to get some videos of our company dogs Mac and Stella playing with the toys so you can post on the website. A link for the company can also be included so the consumers know where the toys came from, what they are made of and any other facts about Bouncing Dog Toy Emporium.
Sincerely, Rachel V Schneider
Mac and Stella company dogs and testers 📷
📷 📷📷 📷A sample of our products, our bounciest toys.
Scott’s Story Part 1
I am Scott Thorn, and I am going back to WDU for the first time in 15 years, I went here for a year but after I came out as gay there really were no gay dudes. I am all men but yeah lesbians were all around some BI guys but no real gay dudes. I went back to the mainland and attended Preston University I majored in administration and minored in Literature. I did at one point in my life have a girlfriend and wanted to marry her, but I could not quash the gay lifestyle. That part of my life is over and now the old school offered me a counseling job, have not done this in a while. I get to help students toward there after college career.
I sit here on this boat and keeping an eye on my 75 Triumph I have some nerves, but it is mostly about seeing this place again, so as the boat pulls up, I get my bike going and make a stop at my new on campus apartment. Its west facing because I like sunsets more than sunrise, so I did not know it needed so much work. I have some handy skills but a little at a time. The kitchen is decent and so is the bathroom. The floors will need some polish and the deck needs to be stained, this is a duplex, so I hope the neighbors are quiet. It is furnished and done nicely so I cannot complain too much, but back on the bike to see the Dean.
I get my bike set with the kill switch and walk up the way to the Admin building, I am pretty much the only one dressed. I am wearing my good black jeans and my dress shirt, in my favorite color Maroon. I do remember this place was obsessed with sex so I will stick out wearing clothes, as I enter the building at least more admin people are dressed. Miss Grant the secretary shows me to my new office, its spacious much bigger that my last one at Preston where I shared a cubicle with another person. I have files from past students and current ones, so I started filing them when Dean Kane walks in, booty shorts and a tank top. “Welcome back to WDU Scott, we look forward to seeing you succeed you come very recommended.” I could hardly concentrate because this Dean was hung but I persevered and said, “Thank you sir I look forward to helping young students find there after WDU careers.”
After he left, I had to get my rise to settle then I continued filing and looking through some files. Clarissa Love that was a name that got around even all the way to Preston. I think she does the Jax in the bedroom or something like that. I started looking around and thought I need some life in this office so I asked Miss Grant about decorating and she said I could do what I wanted but no painting, so I went to town and checked out a flea market. I found some pictures of the beaches of Canada, some old homes in the area and a few movie posters from Rocky horror Picture Show (it is my favorite). The flea market said they will deliver to the school tomorrow so I told them I will be there at 9am.
Now with my day done I get to the store to buy some groceries and realize this place uses sextons and I was down to my last few, so now I will need to exchange but thankfully a bank is nearby so I can get some of my mainland money exchanged. I pull up to my new pad off load my few groceries and notice some other tenant left beer in the fridge, talk about luck. I got the beer went to the deck and watched the sunset over the sky. It was going to be new here, but I needed a fresh start after getting dumped and losing the job because my ex was in upper management, never will I do that again. I will find someone who does not work in the school system. After I ate a roast beef and cheddar sandwich for dinner, watched some cooking shows it was time for bed. As I was brushing my teeth, I heard the neighbors having sex. Oh, goody they are not quiet. hope they do not have super energy either. Tomorrow is my first full day and I have decorating to do, fantastic they stopped, that is the thing with us older people we do not fuck like bunnies anymore. As far as I know the neighbors are lesbians so who knows.
Sample 1- If I try my hardest, I could muster up enough courage to ask the prettiest girl in school to prom. I had a suit; bolo tie and I will shine my old boots up. The thing is my courage is not as strong as my best friend Nick, now there is one brave dude who just asked the girl I wanted to go to prom with and of course she said yes. I gather myself close my locker and put on my best smile for them both. Nick and I high five and I hug her, trying to be genuine but it is hard. I head to my Social studies class and sit down next to Megan she looks at me with some concern I tell her what happened, she then asks me to Prom…...
Sample 2-Wishing I did not have to be here I sit at the back of the funeral and think about my old high school principal. I grew up in a small town and everyone knew everyone, we only had one school and you went there for kindergarten through senior year. After my graduation I packed up my old car and headed out to what I thought was the real world. Living in a bigger city only helped spur my loneliness so who says you cannot come home again, well Mom for starters because I abandoned my family, I am not welcome at home ever again (so tired of her drama), so I am staying at Principal Mason’s house yes, the same principal that I am at a funeral for I held her hand as she lay there succumbing to cancer……
Sample 3-If you really want to get over a breakup getting back on the horse will help things along. I thought that too seven lousy dates ago so here I am on date number 8 and I am not seeing any birds singing or rainbows in the sky. He steps away to take a call he is a particularly important lawyer after all (I need to fix my picker) after he comes back, he says it go time the jury has come back so off he goes. I finish my drink and head back to my brownstone close by, I pass the new chocolate shop that just opened, and I get inside and see chocolate heaven. Looking around I do not see him at first but there he is my old college lab partner Sam I just saw a rainbow…….

What is your wildest night at a Casino playing poker?

Boarding School Blues - Chapter 6: Tubing

[Cover] [Chapter 1] [Table Of Contents] [Patreon] [Discord] [Join my mailing list for a free book]
This is Book 4: Boarding School Break: Happy Thanksgiving
[Book 2: Boarding School Beginnings] [Book 3: Boarding School Boyfriends]
I have always loved the snow. Every snow day, my father would take my brother and I to the big hill at our school. I would sit on my sled, with my friends nearby, and we would race down the hill, laughing the entire way. Then, we would drag our sleds back up the hill, ready to go again.
When I was nine, my friends brought me to the local ski mountain to go tubing. They showed me how to bring my tube to the top of the mountain and how to ride it down, much like riding my sled. The tubing mountain was fantastic. Even though I was going downhill the entire time, there were little hills along the trail that would slow me down and speed me up.
The next snow day, I realized that sledding was no longer fun. It could not compare to the thrill of tubing. That winter, my friends and I made a pact to go tubing the first Saturday of each month as long as the mountain was open.
This will be the first year I’m tubing without them. I wonder if they will keep up the tradition without me.
Pat and Melinda climbed out of her mother’s car as she idled in front of the ski mountain Friday morning.
“I’ll be back around one. Call me if you’re done earlier, but keep in mind, it takes me nearly an hour to get here.”
“Will do,” Melinda said.
Melinda watched her mother drive away before reaching for Pat’s hand, which was difficult to grasp since they both were wearing gloves. “So, do you want to eat first or go tubing?”
“It’s been at least two hours since I last ate. Food first.” Pat sent her his famous smile.
Melinda returned his smile as they walked into the lodge, which was nearly abandoned that morning. They wandered through the cafeteria, deciding to order a soda to share and some freshly made cookies.
Melinda’s previous boyfriends had always paid for their own food, which Melinda found comforting, since she was never sure when she was supposed to pay for other people. Today, however, her mother had given her some cash to pay for both their tubing tickets. When Melinda had informed Pat, he offered to buy the snacks.
They brought their snack to the upper level of the lodge, sitting at a table in the back corner of the room. They were able to watch skiers going up the lifts and coming back down the mountain, while no one was using the tubing section on the far left of the mountain.
Melinda took a bite of her cookie before waving it towards Pat beside her.
“Random question. And, it’s purely because I’m curious. Do you get an allowance?”
Pat smiled. “What do you think?” He stared out the window while he waited for Melinda’s answer.
“See, I never had an allowance. My parents just kinda give me money when I need to buy something. Like, my mom gave me money for tubing today. But, I think your parents are different. I bet you get an allowance. And, I know you get paid for your movies. I bet that goes into some sort of college fund and you get paid from your parents’ money.”
“Meghan’s right. You are insightful.” Pat’s gaze never left the window.
Melinda observed Pat for a few moments. “You look anxious,” she finally decided. “What’s wrong?”
Before he could answer, she was hit with a sudden realization. “Oh! Are you worried about being recognized? I just realized. I’m sorry. I totally forgot.” She began looking around, but they were the only ones there.
Pat turned back to her and smiled warmly, reaching out to touch her hair. “You’re adorable.” He leaned in to kiss her.
“No,” he said a few minutes later, when Melinda’s heartbeat began to return to its normal rhythm. “I thought about it briefly, but figured I would be so bundled up that no one would recognize me. And, it’s pretty derelict here.”
“Derelict?”
Pat smiled, brushing back her hair. “Um…abandoned. Deserted. Almost neglectfully.”
Melinda looked around, understanding Pat’s description. The lodge felt very old and unused. The wooden benches where they sat were slightly splintered and some of the tables had initials carved into them. The fireplace in the corner was unlit. Whenever Melinda had previously visited, it was always so full of people that it gave a homey feeling. However, with no other people around to give the room life, it did feel somewhat neglected.
Melinda returned her attention to Pat. “Okay. You’re not worried about being recognized. Is it the whole Poppy thing?”
Pat smiled at her weakly. “I was wondering when she was going to ruin our time together. I had nearly forgotten about her. I tend not to think about her when I’m with you.”
“What’s happening with all that?” Melinda was trying to sound casual, but she was anxious to hear his answer.
Pat shrugged, again staring out the window as he answered. “Tuesday, after we all calmed down about the incident with Poppy, Meghan and I spent most of lunch having a long talk with Mom about Cynthia. We explained how she’s not looking out for our best interests anymore.”
Pat looked at Melinda, tracing circles on the back of Melinda’s hand that was resting on the table. “By the end of the meal, I had started to worry about finding a new agent. When we got to the studio to pick up Walter, Mom called Cynthia to fire her.”
“So, now what?”
Pat started playing absently with the cookie on his plate. “I started doing some research, found an agent I like. Mom’s gonna contact him today. We’re gonna try to figure out if Walter and I should have different agents. Meghan is pretty sure she wants Mom’s agent. This is gonna sound pompous, but we’re so famous, most agents would love to represent us.”
Pat gave Melinda a weak smile that did not reach his eyes. Melinda smiled back.
“But, what about the Poppy rumor?”
Pat made a face and shook his head. “We fired Cynthia, so Mom’s agent is gonna try to sort things out for us. But, it’s possible it won’t go away. There’s some legal things we might look into, but, honestly, I’m letting Uncle Brendan figure it all out.”
“The lawyer, right?”
Pat nodded, looking back out the window. Melinda took a sip of her soda as she considered Pat for a moment. “If you’re not worried about being recognized, and you’re not upset about Poppy, then why do you look so anxious?”
To Melinda’s amazement, Pat began to turn red. “I’ve just never gone tubing before.”
Melinda giggled, but she rubbed her hand gently up and down Pat’s lower back as she tried to assuage his fear.
“Tubing is a lot of fun. It’s like sledding. Only faster.”
“It’s dangerous. They make your parent sign one of those waiver things.”
Melinda rolled her eyes, giggling when it seemed to distress Pat even more. “Yes, but, you also sign a waiver when you visit the town pool. It’s no more dangerous.”
“Are you kidding? The town pool? That’s got kids peeing in the water and people jumping on top of you. That’s got to be more dangerous than this!”
“Fine. Then…laser tag. You have to sign a waiver for that.”
“People running around in the dark? You can trip over something and break your neck. Or, you can trip over the person that tripped over something, and you both break your necks. Or –”
Melinda kissed Pat to get him to stop rambling. He pulled her close.
“This is nice. Why don’t we just stay here and do this until your mom comes?”
Melinda giggled as she stood, taking Pat’s hand to pull him up. “Come on. You clean this mess, and I’ll go get the tickets.”

It took nearly half an hour for Melinda and Pat to put on all their cold weather gear, collect their tubes and helmets from the rentals building, and trudge to the tubing park. This area of the mountain had ten lanes carved into the snow with walls about the height of the tube to separate each lane.
Melinda showed Pat how to attach his tube to his wrist using the strap, then hold on to his tube while he stepped onto the magic carpet lift.
“It’s like the moving walkways the have at the airport!” Pat announced.
At the top of the mountain, they selected adjoining lanes and Melinda showed Pat how to climb into his tube. Then, she removed the strap from her wrist and tossed it to Pat. “Here. Hang on to this and we can go down together.” Pat did as instructed, and they headed down the mountain.
They swerved up and down their lanes, both squealing in delight as they headed down the mountain, occasionally going over slight bumps in the hill, until they skidded to a stop at the end.
Pat jumped to his feet excitedly. “Wow! That was sick. Let’s go again!”
Melinda lost track of how many times they went down the mountain during the two-hours their passes were valid. On the second run, Melinda ended up turning around after the third bump. The following run, Pat was backwards after the first few feet. He enjoyed it so much, that by the fifth run, he had figured out how to make himself turn backwards for most of the way down the mountain.

When they returned to the lodge, Pat and Melinda returned to their table in the back of the room. There were only a handful more people in the lodge, since most of the skiers were still on the mountain. Melinda texted her mother that they were finished and they were about to eat.
Melinda had packed jars of peanut butter and jelly and a loaf of bread, and they made their own sandwiches. After they had each eaten two, Pat was still eyeing the bag of bread.
Melinda giggled. “Go ahead. I don’t mind.”
“But, I don’t want to turn into my brother.”
“Tubing is a physical activity. You’ve got to replace the calories you just burned.”
“You only had two.”
“I normally don’t eat two. I’ve seen you eat, Pat. Have another sandwich. I promise not to tell Walter.”
Pat smiled as he made another sandwich. “So, you’ve been here before?”
Melinda nodded. “My friends and I used to come all the time. I’m shorter than them, so they had been once or twice before I was tall enough to join them. It became an annual thing: go tubing one weekend a month all season.”
“You still do it? Go tubing with them?”
Melinda looked down and sighed. Instinctively, Pat gently rubbed his hand up and down her lower back. She leaned into him.
“Did you have any friends who changed when they started high school? Like, not in a good way?”
Pat considered a moment. “Not really. But, I didn’t have a lot of good friends before Hartfield. Some Hollywood friends, some homeschooling friends locally, but no one close. I didn’t mind. I had Meghan and Walter.”
“I had two really good friends growing up. We did everything together. Looking back, I can see a little how I was different from them. Like, they were always calling me Bookworm. Affectionately, but still. Anyway, when they started high school, they became all boy crazy and just totally different. The first time I came home, I went to a football game with them. As soon as we got there, they stripped into really skimpy clothes, put on a thick layer of makeup, and went outside to smoke cigarettes with their boyfriends. Then, they left me alone with some stranger who assumed I was going to make out with him.”
“I’m sorry,” Pat held her close and played with her hair. “I’ve seen that happen too many times. I’d do a movie with people I liked and respected, and then the movie’s over. The next time I see them, they’ve completely changed and I no longer can like and respect them. I can’t say it’s ever happened to a good friend, though.”
“I don’t mind too much. I have Sarah and Walter now.”
“That reminds me,” Pat sat back a little and snapped his fingers. “Zach finally plugged his phone in and has joined the land of the living. He’s looking forward to meeting you next week.”
“Your best friend? He’s home from Spain?”
“Not yet. His term isn’t over until the end of this week. He’s flying into New York early Sunday and heading straight to campus. He’s not even bothering to see his parents. Then again, I think they went there to visit him this week.”

When Melinda’s mother arrived, Melinda and Pat were sitting on a bench in front of the lodge. As people began coming into the lodge for lunch, Melinda and Pat noticed people pointing in their direction. They decided to move outside where Pat could wrap himself in his scarf and hat to be less recognizable. After sitting alone by the fire pit, kissing for a long while, they had headed to the bench near the drop off area.
From their perch, they could watch both the parking lot and the skiers on the mountain. Most of the people in the circle were dropping off their teenagers, not picking them up, and Melinda caught a few sideways glances as they were getting into the car.
Melinda’s mother glanced at them in the rearview mirror as she pulled away. “How was tubing?”
Pat smiled. “It was a lot of fun. I’ve never gone tubing before. Thanks for driving me, Mrs. Luzzelli.”
“I’m glad you had fun. Are you going straight home, or were you planning on staying for a while? Either is fine with me.”
Pat turned to Melinda. “Did you finish that puzzle without me?” When she shook her head, he shrugged. “I guess that means I’m staying for a little while.”

Melinda let Pat place the last piece into the puzzle. He stared for a moment at the three kittens sitting in a large basket of brightly colored yarn balls. “It’s cute. It’s a shame we worked so hard and now we have to put it back in the box.”
“Why?” Melinda went to search the closet.
“Because we worked so hard on it.”
“No, I mean, why take it apart?” She returned to the table with a bottle of glue.
“What’s that for?”
“You’ve never glued a puzzle?” When Pat stared at her with raised eyebrows, Melinda explained. “We always do this. Look around. All the pictures on the walls are puzzles.”
Melinda unscrewed the top from the bottle and poured a copious amount on top. Then, she began spreading it around with her fingers.
“Aren’t you gonna help me?”
Pat raised his eyebrows. “And get that all over my fingers?’
Melinda tried to attack him with her gluey hands, but he was able to dodge her. She decided against chasing him, and after a moment, he was beside her, helping her get glue into each crack. They ended up using almost the entire bottle of glue, but eventually it was covered with a thin white film. Melinda smiled at him.
“See? Now it’ll dry clear.”
“That’s pretty cool. I may have to start doing this at home. Now what?”
“Well, first we have to wash our hands.” Melinda led the way to the bathroom. “We have a little time, but you have to leave by five.”
“Why? Is your other boyfriend coming over?”
“Yes. His name is Eric and my parents like him better than you.”
When Pat did not reply, Melinda looked around. He had stopped in the doorway on the other side of her room. He gestured towards the bed.
“Is this your bedroom?”
“Yeah. My bathroom’s right here.” Melinda pointed towards a door on the opposite side of the room.
“I can’t go in there.”
“Huh? Oh. Right. I forgot. Hang on.” Melinda washed her hands, then returned to the hallway. “There. I think you can go wash your hands, if I stand here. So, what do you want to do now?”
Pat called through the room. “I have no idea. WTTE?”
“How about cards?”
Pat crossed the room back to her. “I can play solitaire.”
“How about double solitaire?”
They returned to the study, where Melinda retrieved two decks of card from the closet.
“That’s a game?” Pat joined Melinda on the floor, where she had sat to avoid getting glue all over the cards. He watched her shuffle each deck with a practiced ease. “Mom and Dad had a casino party once. They hired actual dealers from real casinos. They shuffled the cards like that, at the corners. Are you a card shark?”
Melinda giggled. “My grandfather loves playing cards. He taught me when I was seven. I could shuffle better than him by the time I started middle school.”
Pat raised his eyebrows. “You are a card shark! I don’t wanna play with you.”
“It’s only solitaire. Watch.” She handed him the deck of red cards. “Do what I do. First, count out thirteen cards and put them on the left. Turn the last one face up.”
Pat followed Melinda’s directions and she continued. “Now, place four cards face up on the right of the stack. These will be your playing slots later. Now, this is your personal area.”
Pat pointed to Melinda’s pile. “That’s my personal area? It looks like yours.”
Melinda made a face at him and continued to explain the rules.
“Got it. Alright. I’m ready.” Pat leaned in closer to his cards, picking up his deck in one hand and getting his other hand ready to flip his first card.
Melinda giggled. “Okay. Go!”

It took three rounds before Pat reached 100 points, beating Melinda by two points. After they separated the decks, Melinda taught Pat how to play War.
Melinda began to explain how to play, but Pat interrupted after a moment. “Wait, I know this game. This is the game I play with Frank,” he said, referring to his roommate at school, whose real name was Pete Wu. He had earned himself the nickname Frankenstein as a third former, and now most people called him Frank.
“I thought you said you only play solitaire.”
“Well, I didn’t know the name of this game. He calls it something else. Jung-Jang, I think. His grandfather taught him. One of his grandfathers speaks Korean, the other one Chinese. I’m not sure which one taught him the game.”
Melinda just shook her head as they played a lively battle of war. They had each won a game when Melinda’s mother called that her ride had arrived.

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[Table Of Contents] [Chapter 7]
Follow follow Patrick McGregor's story in Confessions of a Teenage Celebrity - Chapter 4: Tubing

[Boarding School Blues] - Chapter 37: Tubing

[Cover] [Chapter 1] [Table Of Contents] [Patreon] [Discord] [Join my mailing list to receive a free book]
This is Book 4: Boarding School Break: Happy Thanksgiving
[Book 2: Boarding School Beginnings] [Book 3: Boarding School Boyfriends]
I have always loved the snow. Every snow day, my father would take my brother and I to the big hill at our school. I would sit on my sled, with my friends nearby, and we would race down the hill, laughing the entire way. Then, we would drag our sleds back up the hill, ready to go again.
When I was nine, my friends brought me to the local ski mountain to go tubing. They showed me how to bring my tube to the top of the mountain and how to ride it down, much like riding my sled. The tubing mountain was fantastic. Even though I was going downhill the entire time, there were little hills along the trail that would slow me down and speed me up.
The next snow day, I realized that sledding was no longer fun. It could not compare to the thrill of tubing. That winter, my friends and I made a pact to go tubing the first Saturday of each month as long as the mountain was open.
This will be the first year I’m tubing without them. I wonder if they will keep up the tradition without me.
Pat and Melinda climbed out of her mother’s car as she idled in front of the ski mountain Friday morning.
“I’ll be back around one. Call me if you’re done earlier, but keep in mind, it takes me nearly an hour to get here.”
“Will do,” Melinda said.
Melinda watched her mother drive away before reaching for Pat’s hand, which was difficult to grasp since they both were wearing gloves. “So, do you want to eat first or go tubing?”
“It’s been at least two hours since I last ate. Food first.” Pat sent her his famous smile.
Melinda returned his smile as they walked into the lodge, which was nearly abandoned that morning. They wandered through the cafeteria, deciding to order a soda to share and some freshly made cookies.
Melinda’s previous boyfriends had always paid for their own food, which Melinda found comforting, since she was never sure when she was supposed to pay for other people. Today, however, her mother had given her some cash to pay for both their tubing tickets. When Melinda had informed Pat, he offered to buy the snacks.
They brought their snack to the upper level of the lodge, sitting at a table in the back corner of the room. They were able to watch skiers going up the lifts and coming back down the mountain, while no one was using the tubing section on the far left of the mountain.
Melinda took a bite of her cookie before waving it towards Pat beside her.
“Random question. And, it’s purely because I’m curious. Do you get an allowance?”
Pat smiled. “What do you think?” He stared out the window while he waited for Melinda’s answer.
“See, I never had an allowance. My parents just kinda give me money when I need to buy something. Like, my mom gave me money for tubing today. But, I think your parents are different. I bet you get an allowance. And, I know you get paid for your movies. I bet that goes into some sort of college fund and you get paid from your parents’ money.”
“Meghan’s right. You are insightful.” Pat’s gaze never left the window.
Melinda observed Pat for a few moments. “You look anxious,” she finally decided. “What’s wrong?”
Before he could answer, she was hit with a sudden realization. “Oh! Are you worried about being recognized? I just realized. I’m sorry. I totally forgot.” She began looking around, but they were the only ones there.
Pat turned back to her and smiled warmly, reaching out to touch her hair. “You’re adorable.” He leaned in to kiss her.
“No,” he said a few minutes later, when Melinda’s heartbeat began to return to its normal rhythm. “I thought about it briefly, but figured I would be so bundled up that no one would recognize me. And, it’s pretty derelict here.”
“Derelict?”
Pat smiled, brushing back her hair. “Um…abandoned. Deserted. Almost neglectfully.”
Melinda looked around, understanding Pat’s description. The lodge felt very old and unused. The wooden benches where they sat were slightly splintered and some of the tables had initials carved into them. The fireplace in the corner was unlit. Whenever Melinda had previously visited, it was always so full of people that it gave a homey feeling. However, with no other people around to give the room life, it did feel somewhat neglected.
Melinda returned her attention to Pat. “Okay. You’re not worried about being recognized. Is it the whole Poppy thing?”
Pat smiled at her weakly. “I was wondering when she was going to ruin our time together. I had nearly forgotten about her. I tend not to think about her when I’m with you.”
“What’s happening with all that?” Melinda was trying to sound casual, but she was anxious to hear his answer.
Pat shrugged, again staring out the window as he answered. “Tuesday, after we all calmed down about the incident with Poppy, Meghan and I spent most of lunch having a long talk with Mom about Cynthia. We explained how she’s not looking out for our best interests anymore.”
Pat looked at Melinda, tracing circles on the back of Melinda’s hand that was resting on the table. “By the end of the meal, I had started to worry about finding a new agent. When we got to the studio to pick up Walter, Mom called Cynthia to fire her.”
“So, now what?”
Pat started playing absently with the cookie on his plate. “I started doing some research, found an agent I like. Mom’s gonna contact him today. We’re gonna try to figure out if Walter and I should have different agents. Meghan is pretty sure she wants Mom’s agent. This is gonna sound pompous, but we’re so famous, most agents would love to represent us.”
Pat gave Melinda a weak smile that did not reach his eyes. Melinda smiled back.
“But, what about the Poppy rumor?”
Pat made a face and shook his head. “We fired Cynthia, so Mom’s agent is gonna try to sort things out for us. But, it’s possible it won’t go away. There’s some legal things we might look into, but, honestly, I’m letting Uncle Brendan figure it all out.”
“The lawyer, right?”
Pat nodded, looking back out the window. Melinda took a sip of her soda as she considered Pat for a moment. “If you’re not worried about being recognized, and you’re not upset about Poppy, then why do you look so anxious?”
To Melinda’s amazement, Pat began to turn red. “I’ve just never gone tubing before.”
Melinda giggled, but she rubbed her hand gently up and down Pat’s lower back as she tried to assuage his fear.
“Tubing is a lot of fun. It’s like sledding. Only faster.”
“It’s dangerous. They make your parent sign one of those waiver things.”
Melinda rolled her eyes, giggling when it seemed to distress Pat even more. “Yes, but, you also sign a waiver when you visit the town pool. It’s no more dangerous.”
“Are you kidding? The town pool? That’s got kids peeing in the water and people jumping on top of you. That’s got to be more dangerous than this!”
“Fine. Then…laser tag. You have to sign a waiver for that.”
“People running around in the dark? You can trip over something and break your neck. Or, you can trip over the person that tripped over something, and you both break your necks. Or –”
Melinda kissed Pat to get him to stop rambling. He pulled her close.
“This is nice. Why don’t we just stay here and do this until your mom comes?”
Melinda giggled as she stood, taking Pat’s hand to pull him up. “Come on. You clean this mess, and I’ll go get the tickets.”

It took nearly half an hour for Melinda and Pat to put on all their cold weather gear, collect their tubes and helmets from the rentals building, and trudge to the tubing park. This area of the mountain had ten lanes carved into the snow with walls about the height of the tube to separate each lane.
Melinda showed Pat how to attach his tube to his wrist using the strap, then hold on to his tube while he stepped onto the magic carpet lift.
“It’s like the moving walkways the have at the airport!” Pat announced.
At the top of the mountain, they selected adjoining lanes and Melinda showed Pat how to climb into his tube. Then, she removed the strap from her wrist and tossed it to Pat. “Here. Hang on to this and we can go down together.” Pat did as instructed, and they headed down the mountain.
They swerved up and down their lanes, both squealing in delight as they headed down the mountain, occasionally going over slight bumps in the hill, until they skidded to a stop at the end.
Pat jumped to his feet excitedly. “Wow! That was sick. Let’s go again!”
Melinda lost track of how many times they went down the mountain during the two-hours their passes were valid. On the second run, Melinda ended up turning around after the third bump. The following run, Pat was backwards after the first few feet. He enjoyed it so much, that by the fifth run, he had figured out how to make himself turn backwards for most of the way down the mountain.

When they returned to the lodge, Pat and Melinda returned to their table in the back of the room. There were only a handful more people in the lodge, since most of the skiers were still on the mountain. Melinda texted her mother that they were finished and they were about to eat.
Melinda had packed jars of peanut butter and jelly and a loaf of bread, and they made their own sandwiches. After they had each eaten two, Pat was still eyeing the bag of bread.
Melinda giggled. “Go ahead. I don’t mind.”
“But, I don’t want to turn into my brother.”
“Tubing is a physical activity. You’ve got to replace the calories you just burned.”
“You only had two.”
“I normally don’t eat two. I’ve seen you eat, Pat. Have another sandwich. I promise not to tell Walter.”
Pat smiled as he made another sandwich. “So, you’ve been here before?”
Melinda nodded. “My friends and I used to come all the time. I’m shorter than them, so they had been once or twice before I was tall enough to join them. It became an annual thing: go tubing one weekend a month all season.”
“You still do it? Go tubing with them?”
Melinda looked down and sighed. Instinctively, Pat gently rubbed his hand up and down her lower back. She leaned into him.
“Did you have any friends who changed when they started high school? Like, not in a good way?”
Pat considered a moment. “Not really. But, I didn’t have a lot of good friends before Hartfield. Some Hollywood friends, some homeschooling friends locally, but no one close. I didn’t mind. I had Meghan and Walter.”
“I had two really good friends growing up. We did everything together. Looking back, I can see a little how I was different from them. Like, they were always calling me Bookworm. Affectionately, but still. Anyway, when they started high school, they became all boy crazy and just totally different. The first time I came home, I went to a football game with them. As soon as we got there, they stripped into really skimpy clothes, put on a thick layer of makeup, and went outside to smoke cigarettes with their boyfriends. Then, they left me alone with some stranger who assumed I was going to make out with him.”
“I’m sorry,” Pat held her close and played with her hair. “I’ve seen that happen too many times. I’d do a movie with people I liked and respected, and then the movie’s over. The next time I see them, they’ve completely changed and I no longer can like and respect them. I can’t say it’s ever happened to a good friend, though.”
“I don’t mind too much. I have Sarah and Walter now.”
“That reminds me,” Pat sat back a little and snapped his fingers. “Zach finally plugged his phone in and has joined the land of the living. He’s looking forward to meeting you next week.”
“Your best friend? He’s home from Spain?”
“Not yet. His term isn’t over until the end of this week. He’s flying into New York early Sunday and heading straight to campus. He’s not even bothering to see his parents. Then again, I think they went there to visit him this week.”

When Melinda’s mother arrived, Melinda and Pat were sitting on a bench in front of the lodge. As people began coming into the lodge for lunch, Melinda and Pat noticed people pointing in their direction. They decided to move outside where Pat could wrap himself in his scarf and hat to be less recognizable. After sitting alone by the fire pit, kissing for a long while, they had headed to the bench near the drop off area.
From their perch, they could watch both the parking lot and the skiers on the mountain. Most of the people in the circle were dropping off their teenagers, not picking them up, and Melinda caught a few sideways glances as they were getting into the car.
Melinda’s mother glanced at them in the rearview mirror as she pulled away. “How was tubing?”
Pat smiled. “It was a lot of fun. I’ve never gone tubing before. Thanks for driving me, Mrs. Luzzelli.”
“I’m glad you had fun. Are you going straight home, or were you planning on staying for a while? Either is fine with me.”
Pat turned to Melinda. “Did you finish that puzzle without me?” When she shook her head, he shrugged. “I guess that means I’m staying for a little while.”

Melinda let Pat place the last piece into the puzzle. He stared for a moment at the three kittens sitting in a large basket of brightly colored yarn balls. “It’s cute. It’s a shame we worked so hard and now we have to put it back in the box.”
“Why?” Melinda went to search the closet.
“Because we worked so hard on it.”
“No, I mean, why take it apart?” She returned to the table with a bottle of glue.
“What’s that for?”
“You’ve never glued a puzzle?” When Pat stared at her with raised eyebrows, Melinda explained. “We always do this. Look around. All the pictures on the walls are puzzles.”
Melinda unscrewed the top from the bottle and poured a copious amount on top. Then, she began spreading it around with her fingers.
“Aren’t you gonna help me?”
Pat raised his eyebrows. “And get that all over my fingers?’
Melinda tried to attack him with her gluey hands, but he was able to dodge her. She decided against chasing him, and after a moment, he was beside her, helping her get glue into each crack. They ended up using almost the entire bottle of glue, but eventually it was covered with a thin white film. Melinda smiled at him.
“See? Now it’ll dry clear.”
“That’s pretty cool. I may have to start doing this at home. Now what?”
“Well, first we have to wash our hands.” Melinda led the way to the bathroom. “We have a little time, but you have to leave by five.”
“Why? Is your other boyfriend coming over?”
“Yes. His name is Eric and my parents like him better than you.”
When Pat did not reply, Melinda looked around. He had stopped in the doorway on the other side of her room. He gestured towards the bed.
“Is this your bedroom?”
“Yeah. My bathroom’s right here.” Melinda pointed towards a door on the opposite side of the room.
“I can’t go in there.”
“Huh? Oh. Right. I forgot. Hang on.” Melinda washed her hands, then returned to the hallway. “There. I think you can go wash your hands, if I stand here. So, what do you want to do now?”
Pat called through the room. “I have no idea. WTTE?”
“How about cards?”
Pat crossed the room back to her. “I can play solitaire.”
“How about double solitaire?”
They returned to the study, where Melinda retrieved two decks of card from the closet.
“That’s a game?” Pat joined Melinda on the floor, where she had sat to avoid getting glue all over the cards. He watched her shuffle each deck with a practiced ease. “Mom and Dad had a casino party once. They hired actual dealers from real casinos. They shuffled the cards like that, at the corners. Are you a card shark?”
Melinda giggled. “My grandfather loves playing cards. He taught me when I was seven. I could shuffle better than him by the time I started middle school.”
Pat raised his eyebrows. “You are a card shark! I don’t wanna play with you.”
“It’s only solitaire. Watch.” She handed him the deck of red cards. “Do what I do. First, count out thirteen cards and put them on the left. Turn the last one face up.”
Pat followed Melinda’s directions and she continued. “Now, place four cards face up on the right of the stack. These will be your playing slots later. Now, this is your personal area.”
Pat pointed to Melinda’s pile. “That’s my personal area? It looks like yours.”
Melinda made a face at him and continued to explain the rules.
“Got it. Alright. I’m ready.” Pat leaned in closer to his cards, picking up his deck in one hand and getting his other hand ready to flip his first card.
Melinda giggled. “Okay. Go!”

It took three rounds before Pat reached 100 points, beating Melinda by two points. After they separated the decks, Melinda taught Pat how to play War.
Melinda began to explain how to play, but Pat interrupted after a moment. “Wait, I know this game. This is the game I play with Frank,” he said, referring to his roommate at school, whose real name was Pete Wu. He had earned himself the nickname Frankenstein as a third former, and now most people called him Frank.
“I thought you said you only play solitaire.”
“Well, I didn’t know the name of this game. He calls it something else. Jung-Jang, I think. His grandfather taught him. One of his grandfathers speaks Korean, the other one Chinese. I’m not sure which one taught him the game.”
Melinda just shook her head as they played a lively battle of war. They had each won a game when Melinda’s mother called that her ride had arrived.

[Table Of Contents] [Chapter 38]
Follow Patrick McGregor's story in Confessions of a Teenage Celebrity - Chapter 13: Tubing

Cribs: Maddox edition

Oh hi, I didn't see you there. My name's George, but you probably know me by my pen-name, Maddox. If you hang around Club Cobra on transgender Wednesdays, you might also know me as Heather S. I have an afternoon residency there where I perform burlesque dance routines to the songs of Doug from Hoobastank, and hopefully inspire him to write a few new ones as well. I'm generally the subject of half of the tracks on any given Hoobastank album. That song The Letter was about a letter that I wrote to a former girlfriend after I ended the relationship with her. You remember Losing My Grip from The Scorpion King soundtrack? That was also about the same girl after she dumped... I mean after I split up with her. Remember Me was based on an email I sent to my publisher, Simon & Schuster, after they stopped taking my calls and blocked my number. A funny story: I saw Schuster on Hollywood Boulevard a few days after I sent the email and he completely ghosted me.
Anyway, you've reached my bedroom. This is where the magic happens, baby. No, I didn't attend Hogwarts, but I do have a wand, he, he. That's three flaccid inches of lumpy Armenian pig iron you're looking staring at.
What's that?
You're a prospective buyer here to the view the property. My nakedness is making you question your heterosexuality. Yes, of course, I will put on some clothes, but first let me give you the grand tour:
https://i.imgur.com/UZNZsf5.jpg
1. Shark wall decals
These are actual dead sharks that my enemies tossed onto my lawn in drive-by shark attacks, which were a misguided attempt to intimidate me. Little did they know that, in my Armenian motherland, shark pressing is a national hobby / sport. The best shark pressers can name their salary at one of the top teams in the Hrazdan Cement Shark Pressing Premier League, as long as that price in under 208 US dollars per month, or 58858342.4 units of my own made-up currency, The Madbux, at current levels of inflation.
I dragged the fish carcasses inside before my neighbours could steal them from me. For the next six months I stored them in the communal area under teetering stacks of unsold copies of my last book, 'F*ck Whales', that my publisher forwarded to me. It was like a literal game of the Armenian version of paper, rock, scissors – shark, whale, whaling boat. My decision to ignore the complaints of my housemates and the repeated threats by my landlord to evict me if I didn't remove the dead sharks from the property, paid off in the end. Now I have these decorative conversation pieces, the most commonly asked question being: “Where is that nauseating stench of dead fish coming from?”
I used to own four pressed wall sharks. One night this loud Greek guy called Asterios, who I used to hang out with online, called to tell me that he was flying from New York to L.A. to raid my fridge. Sadly he also ate two of the sharks.
2. Handmade cardboard night-stand
I will never forget a piece of advice that my mother imparted to me, seconds before she demanded that I give her money to play the slot machines in a casino owned by the Chinese mafia:
“When it come to websites and home furnishings, you get what you pay for.”
I took my mother's advice very much to heart when I paid $30,000 for this one of a kind cardboard night-stand, designed by the renowned ingénieur en papier, Bernarde Plumnutt. To the non-discerning eye, it might resemble the kind of box that once contained tins of soup, turned upright on one end. However, Bernarde has assured me that it was crafted by the mandibles of a team of wasps that he trained to reinvent cardboard.
Like all geniuses (myself included, he, he) Bernarde imposes exacting standards upon himself and is extremely self-critical. When I visited him to pick-up my finished night-stand, I found it discarded in the trash. It was only after I had fished it out of the dumpster, wiped the condiment stains off the surface and asked him: “Is this the night-stand you made for me?” that he admitted that it was, and requested that he be paid for it immediately in cash. When I visited him again a few days later he appeared to have moved out in a hurry and left no forwarding address.
I love the distressed sticky tape detailling along the top of the stand. You don't see craftsmanship like that any more.
3. Slime comforter
I used to do a podcast with a guy who calls himself Dick Masterson. Later, I found out that he was a rape supremacist so I cut him off. Despite his rape supremacy, a lot of people still think he's cool for some reason. Here's a fact that maybe you don't know about Dick: His real name is something in Spanish. When you translate it into English, it means 'Duck Horror'. He doesn't sound so cool now, does he?
Back when our friendship was on the rocks, Dick suggested a bonding exercise where we would take peyote in the desert so that we could commune with the the ghost of Jim Morrison, who would give us more peyote, along with some spare tickets he had to a safari park on the astral plane, where we could meet our spirit animals, and maybe even feed them and talk to their keepers.
Dick's spirit animal turned out to be a orange monkey with a tiny, scunched-up face, who immediately stole our remaining peyote and scampered up a tree with it to have a vision quest of its own. I was amazed to discover that my spirit animal was the slime creature from the videogame Dragon Quest. I was hoping that it would communicate wisdom and enlightenment, but it just sat there oozing grossly, with a permanent frankfurter grin plastered inanely across its face. Things get a bit hazy after that. I was arrested naked, driving the wrong way along Highland Avenue on a stolen rider mower that I had mistaken for a jet-pack.
To commemorate my vision quest I paid some bedding technicians, who I met loitering outside MIT, $30,000 for this bespoke slime comforter, manufactured entirely from soy in a Japanese laboratory. The reverence that women show when I explain the comforter's spiritual significance to them is heart-warming. More than one girl has told me: “I'm not fucking you anywhere near that thing.”
4. Cuck pole
This chic, open-plan wardrobe is perfect for the cuckold who wants to get closer to the action without actually taking part. No more standing in the dark, peering furtively though a crack in the door. Simply position yourself behind this rack of clothing, and steal as many shameful glances as you want between the sleeves of your jackets, while your girlfriend engages in session after session of vigorous bare-back pounding with the guy who packed her groceries at Walmart.
This set-up has the added benefit of leaving your bottom half exposed. At any moment your girlfriend can glance over at your skinny, bare legs and the shrivelled stub of your pallid genitalia and be reassured that she is making the right decision in terms of fulfilling her sexual needs. It's win-win all round!
5. Armenia National Security Service listening station
One of the many sacrifices that I made for my father's sacrifice entailed allowing the Armenia National Security Service to annex part of my bedroom for use as a listening station. From this base of operations covert operatives gather intelligence that they use to influence American elections and bend the malleable political framework of this decadent, so-called western superpower to the iron will of the east. There is a good reason why you can't spell American without Armenia.
To ward off unwanted scrutiny, the listening station is concealed behind a green stealth curtain which, when drawn, resembles an impenetrable, corrugated green wall. Western nations would gaze with envy upon Armenia's superior camouflage and concealment technology, if only they were able to spot it.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians Season 1 Episode 5 (pt 1)

I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it.
If you work for Disney, this is a pitch.

Cast
Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson
Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase
Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood
Liv Tyler as the Nereid
Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano
Barbra Walters as herself
Vin Diesel as Crusty
Idris Elba as Charon
Andy Serkis as Evil Voice
Hugo Weaving as Hades
Dwayne Johnson as Ares

Percy Jackson and the Olympians:
Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay
INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON
PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab.
CABBY:
(Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth)
Where to, kids?
ANNABETH:
(Calm, confident)
Los Angeles, please.
CABBY:
(Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar)
Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront.
ANNABETH:
Do you take casino debit cards?
CABBY:
Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe.
ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock.
CABBY:
(Shocked, excited)
W-where in Los Angeles, your highness?
ANNABETH:
(Sits up a little, smiles)
Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change.
The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino.
PERCY:
… And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then…
(Gulps)
… The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them.
GROVER:
Well that got dark fast.
PERCY:
There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One…
ANNABETH:
(Disappointed, blunt)
Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES.
PERCY:
(Unsure)
Maybe…
GROVER:
Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation.
PERCY:
Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older.
ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
What? What’s wrong?
ANNABETH:
(A bit uneasy)
N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong-
PERCY:
Like what?
ANNABETH:
I-
(Reluctant)
-I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT.
PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit.
PERCY:
(Suspicious, confused)
But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
To blackmail him into giving your mom back.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat.
GROVER:
(Blunt)
Thanks.
PERCY:
But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other?
GROVER shrugs.
PERCY:
(Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes)
You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit?
ANNABETH:
(Hesitant, worried)
PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES.
PERCY:
(Thinking)
I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing.
ANNABETH:
(Uneasy)
Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD.
PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET
The kids head to the edge of the surf.
ANNABETH:
Well? What now?
PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water.
ANNABETH:
(Surprised, worried)
PERCY? What are you-
PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water.
GROVER:
Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is?
ANNABETH:
(Concerned)
PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third-
Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view.
EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME
PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally.
PERCY:
That’s gonna take some getting used to.
He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him.
PERCY
(Startled, jumps)
Ah!
PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
Whoa, boy!
The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean.
PERCY:
(Slightly worried)
Where are you taking me?
The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Quiet, gentle, far away)
PERSEUS…
PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Gentle)
PERCY JACKSON…
PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Smiling, kind)
You have come far, my hero. Well done.
PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Small laugh)
You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me.
PERCY:
You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you?
WATER SPIRIT:
Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court.
PERCY:
And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean?
NEREID:
Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest.
PERCY:
(Confused, a bit resentful)
If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person?
A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet.
NEREID:
(Sad, gentle)
Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know.
PERCY:
(Surprised, a bit sad)
Even to their own children?
NEREID:
Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift.
The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls.
NEREID:
You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Um… well… no.
NEREID:
(Kind smile)
But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet.
PERCY:
(Tentatively takes the pearls)
… What do they do?
NEREID:
That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea.
PERCY:
(Stares at the pearls with wonder)
You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it?
NEREID:
(Leans forward)
Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith.
The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon.
NEREID:
Good luck, PERCY JACKSON.
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts?
NEREID:
(Voice becoming distant)
Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart…
The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER
PERCY shows the pearls to his friends.
ANNABETH:
(Skeptical)
This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free.
PERCY:
But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached.
ANNABETH:
You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see.
PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley.
PERCY:
(Relieved)
Phew… that was a close-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store.
GABE: (ON TV SCREEN)
(Feigning grief)
Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just…
GROVER:
For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor.
GABE:
(Wipes away fake tear)
I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Overly dramatic, turns to camera)
There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago.
A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Over dramatic)
Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America.
PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder.
GROVER:
Come on, dude. Let’s get going.
The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people.
GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Hey, kid!
PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Fidgeting)
Spare some change?
PERCY:
(Awkward, nervous)
Um… sorry, no.
Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Shocked)
What the-!?
PERCY:
(Surprised, disappointed)
Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that.
ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.
ANNABETH:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”.
ANNABETH:
There!
The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past.
GROVER:
(Relieved)
Phew… I think we lost them.
MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Lost who?
PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON:
(Startled, jump)
Ah!
The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them.
TALL BALD MAN:
(Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth)
How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty.
PERCY:
(Holding back a laugh, quiet)
Yes, you are.
CRUSTY:
(Raises eyebrow)
Hm?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed, awkward)
I said, uh… sorry to barge… in.
CRUSTY:
Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So…
(Gestures around shop)
… Can I interest you kids in a water bed?
PERCY:
(Uncomfortable)
Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need-
CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop.
PERCY:
Uh, okay, this is weird…
CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets.
CRUSTY:
Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care.
PERCY:
(Anxious)
Um, no, I think we’ll be leave-
GROVER:
(Excited)
Dude, million hand massage?! No way!
GROVER jumps into the massage bed.
GROVER:
(Voice vibrating)
O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet!
CRUSTY:
(Disappointed, stroking chin)
Hmm, not quite…
PERCY:
(Uneasy)
Huh? Not quite what?
CRUSTY:
(Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder)
Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
I… but…
CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it.
ANNABETH:
(Angry)
Hey! Get your hands off-
CRUSTY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress.
ANNABETH:
(Panicking, screaming)
Hey! LET ME GO!
GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well.
GROVER:
(Alarmed)
I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes!
PERCY:
(Steps back, shocked)
What the hell are you-
CRUSTY:
(Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck)
Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec.
PERCY:
(Assertive, serious)
Let my friends go.
CRUSTY:
(Calm, friendly)
Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit.
PERCY:
(Confused, angry)
Fit? What do you-
CRUSTY:
Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements…
CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain.
PERCY:
(Angry, shouting)
Let them go, now!
CRUSTY:
Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh?
ANNABETH:
(Screaming in pain)
PERCY!!!
GROVER:
(Screaming in pain)
HELP!!!
PERCY:
(Suspicious)
Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it?
CRUSTY:
Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES.
PERCY:
The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market.
PERCY:
(Eyes get wide, gets an idea)
Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it.
PROCRUSTES:
(Flattered)
You think so?
PERCY:
Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards?
PERCY:
(Shrugging)
Not too many.
PROCRUSTES:
Exactly!
ANNABETH:
(Angry, confused, screaming in pain)
PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
PERCY:
(Dismissive)
Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed.
PROCRUSTES:
(Sighing, disappointed)
None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings!
PERCY:
So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet?
PROCRUSTES:
Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here-
(Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe)
- And I lop off whatever hangs off either side!
PERCY:
(Surprised, nervous)
Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible.
PROCRUSTES:
(Excited)
Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer!
PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds.
PERCY:
So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed…
(Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets)
… Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion?
PROCRUSTES:
Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try?
PERCY:
(Stroking chin, pretending to be interested)
Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you?
PROCRUSTES:
Absolutely.
PERCY:
Really? No waves at all?
PROCRUSTES:
None. Guaranteed.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be skeptical)
No way.
PROCRUSTES:
Way.
PERCY:
Prove it.
PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress.
PROCRUSTES:
See? No waves at all-
PERCY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top.
PROCRUSTES:
(Shocked, angry)
What the-?!
PERCY:
(Frowns, feigning disappointment)
Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit…
(Uncaps Riptide)
… Let me make a few adjustments.
PROCRUSTES:
(Anxious, gulps)
Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models!
PERCY:
(Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer)
Really? Any of the floor models?
PROCRUSTES:
Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months.
PERCY:
Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one.
PROCRUSTES:
(Curious)
Really? What’s that?
PERCY:
(Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck)
Go to TARTARUS.
PROCRUSTES:
(Frowns)
That’s not a-
PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
You alright?
ANNABETH:
(Groaning)
Define “alright”.
PERCY:
(Smirks)
You look taller.
ANNABETH:
(Irritated)
Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time?
PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map.
PERCY:
So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
(Groaning)
Dude, give me a sec…
(Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound)
Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready.
PERCY:
Good.
(Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk)
Because it’s right around the block.
EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER
The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING.
ANNABETH:
Well, this was not what I was expecting.
PERCY:
What were you expecting?
ANNABETH:
(Shrugging)
I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti?
(Looks directly into the camera)
PERCY:
(Confused)
… Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan?
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Yep. The plan. Love the plan.
ANNABETH:
(Critical, curt)
And what if the plan goes wrong?
PERCY:
(Trying to be reassuring)
Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(Sarcastic)
Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine.
PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly.
ANNABETH:
(Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder)
I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it.
ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge.
GROVER:
(Nervous, trying to be reassuring)
Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world.
PERCY:
(Smiles, then gets serious)
Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass.
INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME
The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag.
PERCY:
(Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered)
Your name is CHIRON?
SECURITY GUARD:
(Leans over, smiling, soothing voice)
What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed)
N-no.
SECURITY GUARD:
Sir.
PERCY:
No, sir.
SECURITY GUARD:
(Gestures to name tag)
Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON.
PERCY:
(A bit irritated)
CHARON.
CHARON:
Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON.
PERCY:
(Rolls his eyes)
Mr. CHARON.
CHARON:
Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones?
PERCY looks over at ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(A bit uncomfortable)
Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON:
(Blunt, a bit surprised)
Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.
ANNABETH:
(Confused)
I, uh- it is?
CHARON:
Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”.
(Grins, clasps hands)
So, how did you loves die?
PERCY clears his throat.
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub.
CHARON:
(Raises eyebrow)
All three of you at once?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I-it was a really big bathtub.
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children…
(Sighs, sad)
… Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries.
PERCY:
Oh, we have coins.
(Places three drachmas on the desk)
CHARON:
(Licks lips, excited)
My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in…
(Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious)
Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate?
PERCY:
(A bit nervous)
No, I’m dead.
CHARON:
(Leans forward, stares the kids down)
You’re not dead.
(Sniffs the air, disdainful)
Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known.
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc.
CHARON:
Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you.
CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away.
PERCY:
(Serious, assertive)
No service, no tip.
CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be disappointed)
It’s really a shame. We had more to offer.
PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers.
CHARON:
(Slightly hungry look on face)
You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there?
PERCY:
(Polite)
A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…?
CHARON:
(Annoyed)
Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me.
(Gestures to his suit)
… You think dressing this good is cheap?
PERCY:
(Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk)
Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in.
PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly.
CHARON:
You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense.
(Strokes chin, thinking)
Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise…
PERCY:
I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two.
CHARON:
(Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas)
Come along, then.
CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish.
CHARON:
Freeloaders.
CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator.
CHARON:
(Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby)
No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years.
The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby?
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Nothing.
ANNABETH:
Oh… for how long?
CHARON:
Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous.
ANNABETH:
(Curt, sarcastic)
Well that’s fair.
CHARON:
Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading.
PERCY:
(Confident)
We’ll get out alive.
CHARON:
(Dry)
Ha.
Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks.
CHARON:
Well?
PERCY:
(Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes)
N-nothing.
CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying.
GROVER:
(Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit)
Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick…
PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry.
ANNABETH:
The River Styx… it’s so…
CHARON:
Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me.
Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance.
CHARON:
(His face almost entirely transparent)
Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings.
The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat.
CHARON:
So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here.
CHARON begins rowing away.
CHARON:
Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise.
CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH.
PERCY:
(Points to quick moving line)
What do you make of that?
ANNABETH:
Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
There’s a court for the dead?
ANNABETH:
Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL.
PERCY:
Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL?
GROVER:
Imagine wandering around in a wheat field.
PERCY:
Well, that doesn't sound so-
GROVER:
Forever.
PERCY:
… Oh. I guess that would kinda suck.
GROVER:
(Eyes wide with fear, points to something)
Not as much as that.
PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates.
PERCY:
(Worried, a bit scared)
Where are they taking him?
GROVER:
(Gulps)
FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on.
As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling.
PERCY:
(Petrified)
H-he’s a rottweiler?
ANNABETH:
(Slowly turns head towards PERCY)
Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I’m just trying to ease the tension.
The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible.
PERCY:
(Curious)
I’m starting to see him better… why?
ANNABETH:
(Gulps, scared)
Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death.
CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing.
PERCY:
(Grim)
He can smell the living.
GROVER:
(Trembling with fear)
Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right?
ANNABETH:
(Small, quiet, terrified)
Yeah. Th-th-the plan.
The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake.
PERCY:
GROVER? Translation?
GROVER:
I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly.
PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost.
PERCY:
(Nervous, trying to be calm)
H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh?
CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark.
PERCY:
(Gulps)
G-good boy…
(Waves the stick around)
Y-you see the stick?
CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY.
PERCY:
Fetch!
PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly.
GROVER:
Um, PERCY?
PERCY:
Yeah?
GROVER:
Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks.
CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide.
ANNABETH:
Wait! I have an idea.
(Start rifling through backpack)
CERBERUS gets into an attack position.
GROVER:
Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now?
ANNABETH:
(Frantically looking through backpack)
Hold on!
CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious.
ANNABETH:
See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit!
CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused.
ANNABETH:
(Assertive)
Sit!
To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish.
ANNABETH:
(Pleased)
Good boy!
ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball.
ANNABETH:
Drop it!
CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber.
ANNABETH:
(Picks up ball)
Good boy.
(Glances back at PERCY and GROVER)
Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster.
PERCY:
(Worried, hesitant)
But-
ANNABETH:
Go!
PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls.
ANNABETH:
Stay! You want the ball? Then stay!
PERCY:
(Worried)
What about you?
ANNABETH:
(Slightly nervous)
I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda.
PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs.
ANNABETH:
Good dog!
ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball.
PERCY:
(Impressed)
How’d you do that?
ANNABETH:
(Catching breath)
Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and-
GROVER:
(Urgent)
Dudes, less talking, more running.
The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet.
PERCY:
(Worried)
ANNABETH?
ANNABETH:
(Shaky voice, sad smile)
Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that?
CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads.
ANNABETH:
(Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears)
G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise.
PERCY:
(Sad, hesitant)
ANNABETH… we have to go.
ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected!
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone.
GROVER:
Your plans suck, dude.
PERCY:
(Irritated)
Yeah, well, you’re a donkey.
(Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe)
Alright, they’re gone. We should-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance.
PERCY:
(Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders)
Come on. We have to get out of here.
ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand.

Part 2 will be out soon.

List of Las Vegas Casinos that Never Opened

List of Las Vegas casinos that never opened
Over the years there have been several casinos and resorts planned for the Las Vegas Valley that never opened. The stages of planning may have been just an announcement or groundbreaking.[1][2][3]
Asia Resort and Casino
Where the Palazzo Casino and Resort currently stands (adjacent to the Venetian Hotel and Casino and the Sands Expo and Convention Center), an Asian themed casino was proposed but was rejected for the present Palazzo project.[4]
Alon Las Vegas
A proposed luxury hotel and casino located on the Las Vegas Strip on the former site of the New Frontier Hotel and Casino, announced in 2015.[5] The project was put in doubt after Crown Resorts announced in late 2016 it was suspending its involvement in the development.[6] Crown announced in December 2016 that it was halting the project and seeking to sell its investment. The remaining partner Andrew Pascal announced he was seeking other partners to proceed with the project. However in May 2017, the land went up for sale.[7] The land was later purchased by Steve Wynn.
Beau Rivage
Steve Wynn, who had purchased and demolished the Dunes hotel-casino, had originally planned to build a modern hotel in the middle of a man-made lake. He later built the Bellagio with a man-made lake in the front of the hotel.[citation needed] The name was later used by Wynn for a resort built in Biloxi, Mississippi.
Caribbean Casino
In 1988, a sign for a proposed casino was erected on a fenced vacant lot on Flamingo Road. Standing near the sign was a scale model galleon. For several years, that was all that stood on the property. The empty lot was the source of many jokes by the locals until the ship, which was later damaged by a fire started by a homeless person, was torn down in the 1990s and the lot became the site of the Tuscany Suites and Casino co-owned by Charles Heers, who has owned the property since the 1960s.[8]
Carnival
In 1990, the Radisson group proposed a 3,376-room hotel next to the Dunes, with a casino shaped like a Hershey's Kiss.[9]
Cascada
A proposed resort that was to have been built on the site of El Rancho Vegas. The parcel is now partially taken by the Hilton Grand Vacations Club and Las Vegas Festival Grounds.[4]
City by the Bay Resort and Casino
A San Francisco-themed resort was proposed for the site of the New Frontier Hotel and Casino. The project was rejected in favor of the Swiss-themed Montreux, which was also eventually cancelled.[4]
Countryland USA
A country music-themed resort was planned for construction of the site of the former El Rancho Hotel and Casino. For some years, the El Rancho sign stood with the words "Coming Soon - Future Home of Countryland USA."[10][11]
Craig Ranch Station
Main article: Craig Ranch Station A Mediterranean-themed hotel-casino for North Las Vegas, proposed by Station Casinos in March 2000.[12] The project faced opposition from nearby residents,[13][14][15] which led to the proposed location being changed to a vacant property on the nearby Craig Ranch Golf Course.[16] Residential opposition to the new location led to the project being rejected by the Nevada Gaming Policy Committee in March 2001. Station Casinos still had the option to develop the project on the initial site,[17][18] but the project was cancelled entirely in July 2001, following a weak financial quarter for the company.[19]
Crown Las Vegas
Main article: Crown Las Vegas Formerly known as Las Vegas Tower, the Crown Las Vegas was to have been a supertall skyscraper built on the former site of a Wet 'n Wild water park. In March 2008, the project was canceled and the property was put up for sale.[20]
Desert Kingdom
In 1993, ITT Sheraton purchased the Desert Inn casino, and had announced plans to develop the large parking lot into a Balinese themed resort to complement the Desert Inn. The project was never developed and the site is now the location of Wynn Las Vegas.[4]
DeVille Casino
After building the Landmark Hotel and Casino on Convention Center Drive and selling it to Howard Hughes, developer Frank Carroll built the DeVille Casino across the street from the Landmark at 900 Convention Center Drive in 1969. Chips were made for the casino (and are sought-after collectibles), but the casino never opened.[21] The building was renovated in 1992 as a race book parlor named Sport of Kings which closed after nine months.[22] It became the location of The Beach nightclub, which was demolished in 2007 to make room for a planned 600-unit tower[23] that was never built.[24] The land sits currently empty.
Echelon Place
Main article: Echelon Place An announced project by Boyd Gaming planned to have a hotel built on the property of the former Stardust Resort & Casino. Construction was suspended on August 1, 2008 due to the Great Recession. In March 2013, Boyd Gaming sold the proposed site for $350 million to the Genting Group, which is redeveloping the project as the Asian-themed Resorts World Las Vegas.
Fontainebleau Las Vegas
Main article: The Drew Las Vegas Located on the Las Vegas Strip and originally known as Fontainebleau Las Vegas. Construction began in 2007, and the resort was to include a casino, 2,871 hotel rooms, and 1,018 condominium units.[25] Construction on the $2.9 billion project ceased in 2009, the year of its planned opening. Investment firms Witkoff Group and New Valley LLC purchased the unfinished resort in 2017.[26] In 2018, Witkoff and Marriott International announced a partnership to open the renamed project as The Drew Las Vegas in 2020. The resort will include a casino and three hotels totaling nearly 4,000 rooms, with the condominium aspect removed from the project.[27]
Harley-Davidson Hotel and Casino
A resort themed after the motorcycle manufacturer Harley-Davidson was proposed, complete with hotel towers shaped like gigantic exhaust pipes, but was never built.[4]
Jockey Club Casino
The Jockey Club is a condominium and timeshare resort at 3700 Las Vegas Boulevard South. It was planned to have a casino, and chips were made for its use, but the casino was never opened.[28]
Kactus Kate's
By April 1994, Gold Coast Hotel and Casino owner Michael Gaughan was interested in building a hotel-casino in North Las Vegas,[29] at the northeast corner of North Rancho Drive and Carey Avenue. In January 1995, the city planning commission approved the rezoning of the land for use as a hotel-casino. The resort, to be named Kactus Kate's, would be built by Gold Coast Hotel/Casino Limited. The hotel would include 450 rooms, and the casino would be 105,000 sq ft (9,800 m2),[30] later decreased to 102,000 sq ft (9,500 m2).[31] The resort would be located directly north of the nearby Fiesta and Texas Station resorts.[31]
In December 1998, Coast Resorts, Inc. received approval from the planning commission for a use-permit relating to the undeveloped property. In November 2000, the planning commission unanimously approved a two-year extension on the permit, giving the company more time to decide whether it would build Kactus Kate's. Because of a 1999 Senate bill that placed restrictions on casinos in neighborhoods, Coast Resorts had a deadline of 2002 to build the casino. The hotel would measure over 100 feet (30 m) high, and Coast Resorts was required to notify the Federal Aviation Administration of its final plans, due to the site being located less than 1,000 feet (300 m) from a runway at the North Las Vegas Airport.[32] In January 2001, Station Casinos purchased the 29-acre (12 ha) site for $9 million. Coast Resorts president Harlan Braaten said, "As we saw the competitive nature of that area intensify, in terms of the size of competing facilities, we just felt we would have to build something much bigger than we had intended to compete with Texas Station and Santa Fe Station. It was just going to be a very expensive project, and we didn't feel the returns would be that good." Station Casinos planned to sell the property as a non-gaming site.[31]
Las Vegas Plaza
Main article: Las Vegas Plaza Not to be confused with the Plaza Hotel & Casino.
This was to have been modeled after the Plaza Hotel in New York City. The project was announced shortly before the demolition of the New Frontier Hotel and Casino, where the new hotel would be built. Las Vegas Plaza was cancelled in 2011 due to the Great Recession.
London Resort and Casino
This announced project was to have been themed around the city of London, and featuring replicas of the city's landmarks. The project was to be built on land across from the Luxor Hotel and Casino. A second London-themed resort was to be built on the former land of the El Rancho Hotel and Casino. Neither project ever began construction.[4]
London, Las Vegas
This was a proposed three-phase project using London as its design inspiration. When completed, the 38.5-acre (15.5 ha) property would have featured 1,300 hotel rooms, a casino, a 500-foot-tall (152.4 m) observation wheel named Skyvue (partially constructed), and 550,000 square feet (51,097 square meters) of restaurants and shops — all of which would be architectural replicas of various British landmarks and neighborhoods.[33] The project was to be constructed on land across from the Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip, where — as of November 2019 — the partially-constructed Skyvue still stands. The wheel was to be "Phase I of London, Las Vegas".
Montreux Resort
This Swiss-themed resort was to have been built on the property of the former New Frontier Hotel and Casino, but was ultimately cancelled.[34]
Moon Resort and Casino
Proposed by Canadian developer Michael Henderson, this is a planned 10,000-room, 250-acre (1.0 km2) lunar-themed casino resort.[35] Gaming experts doubt it will ever be built in Las Vegas, simply because the space planned for it is too large for the Las Vegas Strip.[4]
NevStar 2000
Further information: Craig Ranch Station § NevStar 2000 Proposed by NevStar Gaming in 1998, the NevStar 2000 entertainment complex in North Las Vegas would have included a hotel and casino,[36] but the project faced opposition from nearby residents who did not want a casino in the area.[37][38] The project was cancelled when NevStar Gaming filed for bankruptcy in December 1999.[12]
North Coast/Boyd Gaming project
In May 2003, Coast Casinos had plans for the North Coast hotel-casino, to be built at the southwest corner of Centennial Parkway and Lamb Boulevard in North Las Vegas. The project would be built on approximately 40 acres (16 ha) of vacant land, surrounded by other land that was also undeveloped. At the time, the North Las Vegas Planning Commission was scheduled to review requests for zoning changes and approvals for the project. The project was not scheduled to be built for at least another four years, after completion of a highway interchange at Lamb Boulevard and the nearby Interstate 15, as well as the completion of an overpass over nearby railroad tracks. Bill Curran, an attorney for the land owner, said, "We're going through the zoning changes now so everybody knows what's going to be out there." The North Coast would include a casino, a 10-story hotel with 398 rooms, a bowling alley, movie theaters, and a parking garage.[39] In June 2003, the Planning Commission voted 6 to 1 to approve preliminary applications necessary to begin work on the North Coast.[40][41]
Boyd Gaming, the owner of Coast Casinos, announced in February 2006 that it would purchase the 40-acre site for $35 million.[42] Jackie Gaughan and Kenny Epstein were the owners at the time.[43] Boyd Gaming had not decided on whether the new project would be a Coast property or if it would be similar to the company's Sam's Town hotel-casino. At the time, no timetable was set for building the project.[42] In March 2007, the project was put on hold. At the time, Boyd Gaming had been securing construction permits for the project but decided to first review growth in the area. Construction had been scheduled to begin in mid-2007.[44] In August 2013, Boyd Gaming sold the undeveloped property for $5.15 million.[43]
Palace of the Sea Resort and Casino
This was to have been built on the former Wet 'n Wild waterpark site. Conceptual drawings included yacht-shaped towers that housed suites, a casino resembling the Sydney Opera House and a 600-foot (180 m) tall Ferris wheel-type attraction dubbed a "Sky Wheel". It never left the planning stages.[4]
Paramount Las Vegas
A casino and hotel and condo resort with more than 1,800 units that was planned by Royal Palms Las Vegas, a subsidiary of Royal Palms Communities.[45][46] The project was to replace the Klondike Hotel and Casino at the south end of the Las Vegas Strip,[47][45] beside the Las Vegas welcome sign.[48] The resort was approved in October 2006,[45] but an investor pulled out of the project in August 2007, and the land was put up for sale in May 2008.[46]
Pharoah's Kingdom
Pharoah's Kingdom was planned as a $1.2 billion gaming, hotel and theme park complex to be built on 710 acres (290 ha) at Pebble Road and Las Vegas Boulevard, five miles south of the Las Vegas Strip.[49][1] Construction was approved in October 1988,[49] with Silano Development Group as the developer.[50]
The project would have an Egyptian theme, including two 12-story pyramids made of crystal, with each containing 300 suites. The hotel would have a total of 5,000 rooms,[50] making it the largest in the world.[51] The 230,000 sq ft (21,000 m2) casino would include 100 table games and 3,000 slot machines, while an RV park, mini-golf, a bowling alley, and a video game arcade would be located beside the casino area.[52] Three of the project's various pyramid structures would house the 50-acre (20 ha) family theme park. Other features would include sphinxes, man-made beaches, waterways resembling the Nile river, an underwater restaurant, a 24-hour child-care facility, a 100-tenant shopping promenade, and a repertory-style theater that would be overseen by actor Jack Klugman.[52] Additionally, the resort would feature an 18-hole PGA Championship golf course,[52] and a monorail located within the theme park.[50] The project would have one mile of frontage along Las Vegas Boulevard.[52]
Frank Gambella, president of the project, stated that financing was in place, with groundbreaking planned for March or April 1989. Gambella said the project would be financed by several entities, with the money coming from a Nevada corporation, suggesting the entities would be grouped together as an umbrella corporation. Gambella stated that the project could be opened by Labor Day 1990. The resort was expected to employ 8,000 people. Following the completion of the resort, Gambella said a complex of 750 condominiums would be built on the land along with 900 retirement-care apartments.[52]
The project was cancelled shortly after it was announced, as authorities became suspicious of developer Anthony Silano's fundraising efforts for the project. It was discovered that Silano and his associates hacked into the Switzerland bank accounts of Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos following his death in 1989. Silano pleaded guilty to federal conspiracy charges. Another Egyptian-themed resort, Luxor Las Vegas, would open on the south Las Vegas Strip in 1993.[1]
Planet Hollywood Resort (original plans)
Not to be confused with the current Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino.
Originally planned to open in the late 1990s on the site of the Desert Inn, it was to be one of the largest hotels in Las Vegas. Because of the bankruptcy of Planet Hollywood Restaurants, the hotel was never built. However, in the 2000s, a group of investors bought the new Aladdin Hotel and Casino and remodeled it with a modern Hollywood theme.[4]
Playboy Hotel and Casino
A proposed casino resort themed after Playboy magazine was rejected in favor of a nightclub and suites built at the top two floors of the new Palms tower.[4] The planned location for the Playboy Hotel and Casino, on the Las Vegas Strip, was later used for the Cosmopolitan resort.[53]
Santa Fe Valley
Main article: Santa Fe Valley Santa Fe Gaming, which owned the Santa Fe hotel-casino in northwest Las Vegas, had plans for a second Santa Fe property in 1996.[54] The Santa Fe Valley would be built on a 40-acre (16 ha) lot[55] in Henderson, Nevada, adjacent to the Galleria at Sunset mall. The start of construction was delayed several times because of poor financial quarters for Santa Fe Gaming,[54] and because of the company not yet receiving financing for the project.[56] Site preparation started in July 1998, with an opening date scheduled for December 1999,[57] but construction never began. In 1999, the property was sold to Station Casinos,[58][59] which sold the land a year later for use as a shopping center.[60]
Shenandoah Hotel and Casino
A project by Wayne Newton. Although the hotel operated for a short time at 120 E. Flamingo Road, the management was unable to get a gaming license. After years of floundering it was sold to a Canadian company and became Bourbon Street Hotel and Casino.
Silver City proposals
By January 2000, Luke Brugnara was planning to build a San Francisco-themed resort on the site of the closed Silver City Casino.[61] Brugnara intended to give Silver City a multimillion-dollar renovation, with plans to have a fully operational hotel-casino by 2002.[62] In March 2001, Brugnara's request for a gaming license was rejected.[63] In May 2002, it was announced that Brugnara had sold the casino while retaining six acres located behind the building.[64] In 2003, Brugnara was planning to build a 24-story, 304-room hotel and casino resort on a portion of the Silver City property. The resort, to be named "Tycoon", was to be designed by Lee Linton, with an expected cost of approximately $100 million.[65]
Starship Orion
International Thoroughbred Breeders (ITB) announced plans to demolish the El Rancho and construct Starship Orion, a $1 billion hotel, casino, entertainment and retail complex with an outer space theme, covering 5.4 million square feet (501,676 square meters). The resort was to include seven separately owned casinos, each approximately 30,000 square feet (2,787 square meters).[66][67] Each potential casino owner was to contribute up to $100 million to own and operate a casino within the complex.[68] The complex would have included 300,000 square feet (27,871 square meters) of retail space, as well as 2,400 hotel rooms and a 65-story hotel tower. ITB hoped to begin construction later in 1996, with a planned opening date of April 1998.[67]
Sunrise
This was to have been located at 4575 Boulder Highway. Property developer Michael Mona Jr. built the hotel-casino and stated that he was going to break tradition by starting a "casino without a theme". He failed to get an unrestricted gaming license when suspicions arose concerning his associations with alleged organized crime figures. Chips were made for the casino, but were never used.[69] The building was opened as Arizona Charlie's Boulder.
Titanic
In 1999, Bob Stupak was planning a 400-foot-high (122 m) resort themed after the RMS Titanic, to be built on a 10-acre (4 hectares) property he owned near downtown Las Vegas. The resort would have included 1,200 rooms, 800 of which were to be used for timeshares to help finance the project. That year, planning commissioners rejected Stupak's request to change the zoning to allow for a hotel.[70] The project was later planned for the former site of the El Rancho Vegas on the Las Vegas Strip, but was rejected by the Las Vegas City Council.[4]
W Las Vegas
Main article: W Las Vegas W Las Vegas was proposed in August 2005, as a $1.7 billion joint project between Starwood and Edge Resorts, with a scheduled opening in 2008. The project would include a 75,000 sq ft (7,000 m2) casino and approximately 3,000 hotel, condo hotel, and residential units.[71][72] The project was cancelled in May 2007, after Starwood pulled out of the deal.[73]
Wally's Wagon Wheel
Wally's Wagon Wheel was to be developed by Walter Weiss through his company, Magna Leisure Partnership.[74][75] The project was proposed for 2200 South Boulder Highway in Henderson,[76][77] between Wagon Wheel Drive and Roberts Road,[78] near Henderson's Old Vegas western theme park. Manga Leisure Partnership purchased the 15.5-acre property in late February 1988. Weiss, at that time, had tentative plans for a western-themed, 112-room property known then as the Wagon Wheel Hotel and Casino. The Wagon Wheel was expected to cost $15 million, and financing had yet to be obtained for the project, which Weiss expected to open in early 1990.[74] The project, which would include a 55,000 sq ft (5,100 m2) casino, was to be built in two phases.[79]
By October 1991, Wally's Wagon Wheel remained unbuilt due to difficulty obtaining financing.[80][76] That month, the Henderson Planning Commission voted to give Weiss more time to make progress on the project. At that time, the project was to include 204 hotel rooms and would be built on 13.30 acres (5.38 ha). Weiss noted that the nearby successful Sam's Town hotel-casino opened with 204 rooms, and he believed his project would be successful if he opened with the same amount of rooms for good luck.[76] By the end of 1992, Weiss had still not acquired financing for Wally's Wagon Wheel. At the time, the project was the largest of five casinos being planned for Henderson. The three-story project was to include 200 rooms, two restaurants, a theater lounge for country and western entertainment, and a large bingo room. Weiss stated that groundbreaking was scheduled for May 1993, with an expected opening in June 1994. The hotel-casino would employ approximately 600 people upon opening.[81]
Weiss met with nearby residents to discuss the project, and he had the original design changed to include a larger buffer zone between homes and the hotel-casino. In November 1994, the Henderson Planning Commission voted to recommend approval of Weiss' requested zone change as part of the redesign. The project, at that time, was to include a one-story casino and a four-story hotel with 400 rooms.[82][83] In December 1994, the Henderson City Council rejected Weiss' plans for a 200-foot (61 m) buffer.[84]
In July 1997, the unbuilt project received its sixth extension from the Henderson Planning Commission for a use permit and architectural review.[85] In August 1997, the Henderson City Council approved the sixth extension, but denied Weiss' appeal for a one-year extension, instead giving him six months to make progress on the project.[77] Up to that time, $1.7 million had been invested in the project by Magna Leisure Partnership.[86] As of 1998, the project was expected to cost $80 million and employ at least 1,200 people, and the proposed site had increased to 19 acres (7 ha). At that time, Weiss stated that he was close to obtaining financing for the project from a casino operator.[87] The project was never built.
Wild Wild West
Not to be confused with Wild Wild West Gambling Hall & Hotel. As of 1993, Station Casinos owned a 27-acre (11 ha) site on Boulder Highway with the potential to be developed as a casino. The site was located across the street from Sam's Town hotel-casino.[88] In January 1998, Crescent Real Estate Equities Co. announced plans to purchase Station Casinos, which had intended to sell the land prior to the announcement.[89] By March 1998, Station Casinos was planning to develop a hotel-casino complex on the land, which was occupied by a vacant strip mall. The complex would be known as Wild Wild West, with local residents as the target clientele.[90][89]
Crescent's purchase of Station Casinos failed in August 1998, and Station Casinos subsequently slowed its plans to build the project.[91] By the end of the year, the project had received approval from the Clark County Planning Commission for a 273,000 sq ft (25,400 m2) casino and a 504-room hotel.[92] No timetable for construction was announced,[92][93] and Station Casinos had already decided by that point not to start any new projects prior to 2000.[92] Station Casinos sold the undeveloped land for $11.2 million to Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. in April 2004.[94]
World Port
In 2000, Howard Bulloch, David Gaffin, and their partner Tom Gonzales transferred ownership of the Glass Pool Inn property to their group, known as New World, with plans for a megaresort.[95] New World purchased several other nearby motels to accumulate a 77-acre (31 ha) parcel located on the Las Vegas Strip and east of the Mandalay Bay.[96] In January 2001, plans were announced for World Port Resorts, a megaresort consisting of hotel-casinos, a convention center and a fine arts facility. The project was to be built on the 77-acre (31 ha property, a portion of which was occupied by the Glass Pool Inn.[96]
World Trade Center
To have been located at 925 East Desert Inn Road. Leonard Shoen, co-founder of U-Haul truck rental, purchased the property of what had been the Chaparral Hotel & Casino in 1996, renovating it into the World Trade Center Hotel. A gaming license was applied for, but when it was discovered that two of Shoen's closest partners were convicted felons, the application was denied in 1998. He withdrew his application, and died in a car crash in 1999 that was ruled a suicide. Cards and gaming chips were produced for the World Trade Center Casino, but were never used.[97] The property has since been demolished and is now a parking lot, part of the Las Vegas Convention Center Annex.
World Wrestling Federation
A casino resort themed after the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) was proposed for a property near the Interstate 15 freeway across from Mandalay Bay. The project never went past the proposal stage.[4] The land where it would have stood is now Allegiant Stadium.
WWF also proposed to open the project on the property once used by the Clarion Hotel and Casino, which was demolished in 2015 to become a parking lot.
Xanadu
In February 1976, the Clark County Commission approved the 23-story Xanadu resort, to be built on the Las Vegas Strip at the corner of South Las Vegas Boulevard and Tropicana Avenue. The resort would include approximately 1,700 hotel rooms and a casino, as well as convention facilities, a showroom, dining, and indoor tennis courts. The resort was to be developed by Tandy McGinnis – of Bowling Green, Kentucky – and his Xanadu Corporation, and would be built on 48.6 acres (19.7 ha) owned by Howard Downes, a resident of Coral Gables, Florida.[98][99][100] The Xanadu would feature a pyramid design, and was expected to cost $150 million.[100] It would have been the first themed mega-resort. Much information and many artifacts of the project are housed at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas library. The Excalibur Hotel and Casino ultimately opened on the property in 1990.[101]
See also
Category:Defunct casinos in the Las Vegas Valley List of Atlantic City casinos that never opened

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