Here are the requested courtblogs from WFRV as requested by the one whose username starts with 4 letters and ends with 2 numbers. Reddit character limit forces me to split the blogs in two posts. This is only a partial archive, going back in time 11 years does have it's limitations :). Enjoy.
Will Steven Avery testify? That’s a question many people are wondering as the defense continues its case. So far we’ve heard from a bus driver who saw a woman taking photos near the Avery property, but can’t say with any certainty when. Next a propane delivery driver who was on Avery road on Halloween of 2005, who claims to have seen a green SUV driving away from the Avery Salvage yard between 3:30 and 4pm, an hour after the prosecution says Teresa Halbach was murdered. But again, he can’t say if the driver was a man or woman. Plus a man who owns the trailer where Avery lived and the .22 caliber rifle inside the home, thought to be the murder weapon. He says he fired over 3,000 shots over the years on the property, and the defense wants the jury to believe he‘s the possible source of 11 shell casings recovered by investigators.
We would expect to hear from a forensic expert to contradict the bone fragments in the burn pit or the DNA on the bullet pulled from the garage. You would hope for direct evidence of two vengeful law enforcement officers out to get Avery, for the shame they felt about prolonging his time in prison for a wrongful rape conviction. But where’s that one piece of evidence that shows the prosecution has got it all wrong straight from the mouth of the accused? Where’s Steven Avery?
If Avery took the witness stand, he could tell all what happened on Halloween of 2005. He’s really the only one who knows.
If you were facing life behind bars, wouldn’t you want to speak on your own behalf? If I were on the jury, I would want to hear what he has to say. But it obviously would be a huge gamble, and it’s still unclear if the defense is ready to take that chance.
Posted by Kris Schuller at Mar 9, 2007 11:09 am False Imprisonment Charge Thrown Out The false imprisonment charge Steve Avery faced has been thrown out.
The decision came Monday morning as Judge Patrick Willis ruled on three motions filed by the defense last Friday. The judge ruled there simply wasn’t enough evidence presented during the trial to support the charge. The prosecution had argued that Teresa Halbach had to have been held against her will and forced into the garage, where they say she was murdered by at least two shots to the head from a .22 caliber rifle by Avery. The defense had argued that charge was only added after the other suspect charged in Halbachs murder, but facing a separate trial, Brendan Dassey, confessed back in March of last year of being involved in the murder. He later recanted his confession and faces trial in April.
But the court ruled against dismissing all of the charges as requested by the defense. The court also ruled the DNA evidence found on the bullet inside Avery’s garage would not be suppressed and that the police did nothing wrong during their week long search of the Avery property. So motions to suppress evidence collected from the burn pit and other areas of the Avery Salvage yard can still be considered by the jury.
The judge is now individually talking to jurors to make sure they have been following his order not to watch, read, of listen to media coverage of this case.
This case is quickly winding down. Expect it to go to the jury within the next few days.
Posted by Kris Schuller at Mar 12, 2007 9:12 am Motions To Supress 'Magic Bullet' Denied False Imprisonment Charge Dropped, Motions to Supress Evidence, “Magic” Bullet: Denied Steven Avery’s attorneys won one battle today. Judge Willis agreed that the State did not present enough evidence to prove the charge.
Dean Strang and Jerry Buting lost the motions asking to suppress the bullet with Teresa Halbach’s DNA on it, and the motion asking to throw out the evidence in the burn barrel and burn pit, since authorities did not obtain a new search warrant when they searched those areas. Judge Willis said the cops had five days to execute that warrant.
Posted by Angenette Levy at Mar 12, 2007 1:19 pm What About Teresa Halbach? Everyday, I drive to the Calumet County Courthouse by myself. It’s a nice, pretty drive, and it gives me some “alone” time before and after work. And many times, I drive through Teresa Halbach’s neighborhood to get there.
Calumet County is Halbach Country. This is where the Halbach family lives, and you can feel the pain that still lingers here from her Teresa’s death.
Over the last several weeks, we’ve heard a lot of testimony about Teresa’s bones, her DNA, her Daisy Fuentes jeans and even her teeth. Sprinkled in between all of that was testimony from her mom (which broke my heart), her younger sister Katie, and her brother Mike. They bring you the human face to the person some of us never knew. But other than that, at times it seems Teresa Halbach gets lost among the science lessons about chemicals and vials of blood and the difference between tires with steel belts and those without.
I was sitting upstairs yesterday, while Judge Willis conducted individual voir dire of the jurors. I parked myself outside of Judge Willis’s chambers and talked with Mike Halbach for a few minutes. He’s a real sweetie and he’s getting married this summer, without his sister to stand by him. It really got me thinking. I don’t know how this family does it. They sit through these long days in court, and their lives will never be the same. We could all learn something from the Halbachs... and from Teresa.
There’s a photo of Teresa that I first saw the day Ken Kratz announced that Steven Avery would be charged with her murder. My colleague, Olga Halaburda, attended the news conference, and I went to a prayer service at St. John Sacred Hearth Church in Sherwood. I remember sitting in the church as the Halbachs filed in, sitting in the first pew. Mike wasn’t there, but all of the other siblings were in attendance. The hymn “On Eagle’s Wings” played as the service ended. That song will always remind me of Teresa Halbach.
That day, I was live at 5 and 6 outside of the church, near a candle that had been lit several days before as the community prayed for Teresa’s safe return. Next to the candle sat the cutest photo of a little girl that I think I’ve ever seen. It was Teresa Halbach, clad in a blue dress, sitting inside of a tractor tire. Next to it, sat a Reader’s Digest with The Beatles on the cover (that was Teresa’s favorite band). The magazine was sealed in a Ziploc bag with a post it stating, “May angels be with you on your journey.” Every time that I see that photo, it reminds me why we are here. Not that I’ve ever forgotten, but in between the talk of burn barrels and finger prints and DNA, sometimes you have to put her out of your mind, or at least tuck her in the back. Sometimes, you just have to do that to get through the day, so you can do your job and meet your deadline. But we must remember one thing: If the Halbachs can sit through court and listen to this, then we can, too. We must.
I snapped a picture of this photo using my digital camera at Seven Angels Restaurant here in Chilton. The Halbachs are regular customers there, and the Sabani family owns it. They’re some of the nicest people that I’ve ever met. They make me feel at home every time I go there, and it’s nice to sit there and get a feel for what the community is thinking and feeling. People are very interested in the outcome of this trial, and they love the Halbach family and Teresa. This photo is hanging in the front entrance of the restaurant. You can’t miss it; it’s right above the gum ball machine as you walk in.
But, maybe the next time we hear expert testimony about teeth, and bone fragments and “magic bullets”, this picture will come into our minds. Teresa Halbach is a little girl who grew up to be a photographer, but never lived to comb grey hair. In a way, she’s everyone’s little sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter and friend. Her’s was a life taken too soon, and for what?
I don’t think we’ll ever really know.
Posted by Angenette Levy at Mar 13, 2007 10:20 am The Chilton Hilton That’s what some of us reporters have affectionately dubbed our media room down here. It’s a big conference room in the basement of the Calumet County Courthouse. The officials here, led by Sheriff Jerry Pagel and County Administrator Bill Craig (if I’m leaving anyone out, I apologize) allowed us to transform it into a newsroom. They’ve been so nice to let us do that, because let me tell you, it beats sitting out in the truck in the middle of winter!
The time has just flown by down here. Sometimes, it seems like hours fly by like minutes. I liken this room to a casino in Las Vegas. There aren’t any windows, no clocks on the walls. You sit all day long and listen to testimony and crank out stories and before you know it, you’re sitting in front of a camera, doing live shots for the 5, and going to a news conference and slamming it together for a 6 o’clock live shot. It’s almost like they keep us fueled by pumping this place full of oxygen and feeding us a constant stream of coffee. It’s like in Vegas when the cocktail servers keep the drinks coming, free of charge, just so you’ll keep gambling!
The other day, I wrote out a check and I asked the cashier for the date, and she said, “it’s March 10.” I nearly fell over. I couldn’t believe it was March. And, there have been more than a few days when I got home around 8:30 p.m. or later, and I couldn’t remember what day it was.
We have a lot of really nice people down here in the Chilton Hilton, and we all get along. It’s a shame that we’re always so busy, and that we don’t get to talk more. We have fun when we get to chat. Mick from TMJ4 sits in front of Kris and I. Peter from FOX 6 in Milwaukee sits behind me; very nice guys. Dan from TMJ radio sits across the way with Tom from The Journal Sentinel. We go out to lunch sometimes and we’ve gone out after work a couple of times. Carrie from the AP sits at the end of my table, but she was gone for a while, which was a bummer. Colleen Henry from WISN sits across the room, and I wish that she was closer to us. She’s really interesting and I’d like to talk to her more.
Then, there are my print pals, like John Lee from the Post-Crescent! He’s my bud! I do a lot of my live shots over at the Gannett table, otherwise known as Andy Nelesen’s “front porch.” I usually leave stuff on his desk, my glasses and make up, and he always returns them. He doesn’t like it when I leave my stuff at his “house” but he puts up with me.
All of the Green Bay TV stations have people here, too. A few of us have been on this case since day one, and it’s like we’re all in it together. We’ve spent a lot of time together, whether it’s in the courtroom, or at news conferences, or in the parking lot at the Manitowoc County Courthouse, which seemed like the entire summer. We have to see it through to the end.
Everyday after court, we flock to the podium together and for the news conferences, which can be a lot of fun! The attorneys and Mike Halbach are always nice to us, and they all have good senses of humor.
I’ll get some pics of our digs posted.
Posted by Angenette Levy at Mar 16, 2007 8:33 pm Jury Is Done For The Night 6:28 p.m. – The jury ordered cold cuts for dinner, and then called it quits for the night.
They’ll start back up again at 8:30 a.m. and we’ll be here!
Posted by Angenette Levy at Mar 16, 2007 8:34 pm Juror Question #2 We learned that the jurors had a question. We're in hurry up in wait mode. So, we all arose from whatever we were doing and got into position. I wouldn’t call it organized chaos, more like just getting ready (this is what we do, so it’s pretty routine). Judge Willis was in chambers with the attorneys for a while, and then around 3:15 p.m., Judge Willis read the question.
The jurors wanted a portion of Sherry Culhane’s testimony read back to them. Culhane is the DNA analyst with the State Crime lab. She worked on Avery’s wrongful conviction case in 1985. She testified at that time that the hairs found on the victim in that case, were Steven Avery’s. DNA testing in 2003 (again conducted by Culhane) on those hairs showed they actually belonged to Gregory Allen. Culhane conducted all of the testing in this case.
The jurors wanted the testimony from Jerry Buting’s cross examination of Culhane read back to them, when she answered questions regarding the DNA testing of the .22 caliber rifle found hanging above Steven’s bed. Prosecutors say Avery used that rifle to murder Teresa Halbach. Roland Johnson, who actually owns the trailer where Avery lived, testified that gun actually belonged to him. Johnson said that he must have fired that gun 3,000 times. He liked to shoot gophers at his “weekend getaway” adjacent to the Salvage Yard.
Ok, so in the testimony, Culhane said that she swabbed several parts of the gun, including the barrel and the trigger. Culhane testified that she found neither Teresa Halbach’s nor Steven Avery’s DNA on the rifle, including the trigger guard.
The jurors returned to their deliberations.
From our count down here, Sherry Culhane was the 33rd prosecution witness to testify. If the jurors are taking this chronologically, then that means they’re just over half way through.
What do you think the question means, if anything? What do you think any of this means, if anything?
Email me and I will post your entries.
Angenette Levy: [email protected] Posted by Angenette Levy at Mar 17, 2007 5:22 pm Sunday Morning at the Courthouse, Deliberations Resume Good Sunday Morning everyone! The jury arrived at 11 a.m. and resumed deliberations. They stopped at 5 p.m. last night. I heard that Sheriff Pagel offered to order some hot meals for them, and they declined. They ate the leftover cold cuts from Friday for lunch yesterday.
Some people are speculating that we’ll have a verdict by 1:00 because the Badgers game starts shortly after that. I don’t see that happening.
Anyway, Everyone is here and accounted for. Colleen Henry from WISN brought donuts for everyone. We’ve all brought food in at one point or another, and it’s always something tasty like donuts or cupcakes or something like that! Many of us are listening to music this morning as we work. It’s nice to listen to some music for the first time in a long time!
I was driving here this morning on my usual route and the Lionel Richie song, “Easy Like Sunday Morning” started playing in my head. It stopped when I drove past Sacred Heart Church in Sherwood. Cars were pulling in for church. It was sad to see all of the blue ribbons by the church, even though I’ve seen them many times before.
I want to thank everyone who has emailed me. I really enjoy reading your emails, and as I’ve said before, keep ‘em comin’.
Here are some of you responses regarding Juror Question #2 and other items dealing with the trial.
More later, I promise. Sounds like to me a mistrial or years and years of appeals is in the offing. I would very much like to see what odds Vegas would put on this trial if they even knew about it.
Tim
It scares me. I think they DO find serious doubt in the truth of Sherry Culhane's testimony. I know if I were on the jury, I would doubt her, no questions asked! She ONLY deviated on THIS case in how many years? I find HIGH doubt in that. Like the 'evidence' shows, the cops left her a message stating they wanted her to place Teresa in his house. But, as for other evidence, it just seems fishy. No, I don't actually think the police planted evidence, but I also am not 100% convinced Steven Avery did it! I have watched about 99% of the trial on the live stream. What an exhausting case. I do enjoy reading your journal and wanted to tell you so! Glad you got a cushion for at least some comfort. Hope this trial is over soon, for the sake of the Halbach's and all involved. As I said, I am on the fence and either way the jury decides, I can see how they would be unsure and glad I'm not one of them!!! I DO think he could have done it and may get away with it because 18 years in prison-he wasn't just sitting there...it probably warped him (more) and possibly gave him ways to get away with it! I also can't wait for his nephew, Brendan's, trial to get under way. I wonder how long that will take. In my opinion, I don't care how mentally unfit, nobody (hardly anyone) says they did that sort of thing if they didn't. That also is why I think more than not the Steven did do it.
OH-I also think Judge Willis is AWESOME! He's SO fair, I was surprised by that, to see such a fair judge-yeah, rare, isn't it. No Judge Ito here! (Thank God)
Mary Howard’s Grove, WI
I think the question is favorable to Steven Avery. They are piecing together the obvious things. If he raped her and did whatever in his trailer, there would have to be DNA of her in there somewhere (be it a single hair on the bed or in the carpet). If he shot her in the head from close range, the would be splatter in the barrel, which there wasn't.
I think based on the fact the jury is out this long and that type of question was asked, there are more people in the jury room trying to sway a not guilty verdict then the other way around.
Mark in Charlotte, NC
Quite a defense Avery put up--huh? Let me see, a gopher shooting, absentee dementiated landlord, some wicken lab auditor who could not definiately contradict the lab analysis but was probably paid very well just to put up some smoke, and some other bozos that could NOT factually impeach any of the prosecutions evidence or exhibits. Now, if you were Avery and truely innocent--would you not want to take the stand and try to convince the jurors? I would demand it. So would any innocent person. But he did not want the opportunity.
I thought both sides did a good job in their closing. The defense had little to work with, but created as much smoke as they could. Contrary to what you think, I want the defense to do a good job, in that way there is little chance of winning a new trial on appeal. Ken did a good job also, considering the magnitutude of all the evidence. I just wish he had a lower and stronger voice--sorta sounds like a cross between a whiney Wayne Newton and Michael Jackson at times. Some well placed theatrics should also have been used. Ken is pretty square.
I heard that if Avery gets off, that he is moving in to an apartment with Robert Blake and OJ Simpson, so they can pool their resources searching for the "real killers". I am moving to Canada where they have Smith and Wesson justice. Just kidding.
The Hallbach family is one class act. Sometimes in the heat of the battle, we lose sight of their grief. I tell this to everyone: if that had been my daughter, there would not be an Avery trial, and I would be behind bars charged and awaiting sentencing--because I would admit to everything. Eye for an eye...well, it even goes beyond that.
Mark from the Valley
I also get chuckles out of Mr. Buting. I have said to more than one person,"If I ever get in trouble I want those two guys defending me". Now, I do not ever anticipate that, but I think the defense has done a superb job of making the reasonable doubt a real possibility with the jurors. It has been fascinating for me to listen to both sides while at work through your network, and I am so glad I am not on that jury. I have my beliefs both ways of Mr. Avery but I will keep my thoughts to myself and see what the jury does.
T
Like him? About as much as a 10 foot cobra! The man is condescending, vastly rude and can take any fact and twist it to his version of the truth.
Why is everyone else stupid except him?
Both Mr. Buting and Mr. Strang have played on the sympathy of "poor" Mr. Avery, sent to prison for all those years for something he didn't do. That has no relevance to what was done to Ms. Halbach and to this crime. Does the fact of being sent to prison unjustly exonerate one from brutally murdering an innocent person? And if you have intelligently followed this trial, you will know that Mr. Avery did, without a doubt, commit this crime.
Both Mr. Buting and Mr. Strang just leave a very sour taste in one's mouth. Their smug superiority is very irritating and I feel detracts from their message.
I think if I were a juror, Mr. Kratz's famous powerpoint presentation would be helpful. Verbal and visual reminder of what was presented. I liked his style, he was easier to listen to than the defense. Although at times, I felt maybe a bit too ingratiating. But overall, I think he did an exemplary job of laying out the facts.
Barb S. Green Bay
Posted by Angenette Levy at Mar 19, 2007 4:38 pm When The Verdict Came In Around 3:00 p.m. on Sunday afternoon, everyone down in the Calumet Casino (a.k.a. The Chilton Hilton) started to wonder, “what in the world are we going to do for a story today?” None of us anticipated a verdict, and we were all brainstorming. We thought, “well, maybe they’ll (the jurors) come up with a question.” I wanted to do a story with all of the attorneys, asking them what was the longest they’d ever waited for a verdict. None of them seemed interested, then I approached Sheriff Pagel and he didn’t think he would be allowed to comment due to the gag order.
So, I started to walk upstairs around my best estimate of 4:44 p.m. to fish around for another story. I was on the phone with my producer Michael as I approached the stairwell leading to the lobby and was met by Sheriff Pagel, a line of reporters trailing after him. Colleen was directly behind him and I can’t remember who else was there, but I joined the line of reporters and followed them inside, and told Michael that I would call him back.
I expected Sheriff Pagel to say, “the jury’s done for the day.” Instead, he said, “ok, we have a verdict.” I flipped open my cell phone, got the phone tree going and started to get ready. Everyone dropped what he or she was doing, and picked up phones. Remember, this is what we do. It’s our “hurry up and wait” mode, and when the waiting’s over, we spring into action. It’s an autopilot type thing, and it’s hard to describe, but your heart kind of pounds and you get this tunnel vision, and forget about everything else. You have one focus, and that’s get the story right, and get it on the air as soon as possible. For example, I had been suffering from shooting pain in my back and legs for two days prior to this, and the second Sheriff Pagel made the announcement, all of the pain disappeared.
I was to be stationed outside but I had time to watch the verdict from the media room off of the courtroom. I’ve been on this case since the beginning, so I had to see it up close. There wasn’t room in the courtroom for me, but the media room was just fine with me. John and Dewey from the Post-Crescent were in there, along with Morry from the AP (nice guy, great still photographer) and so was Fred Berry from WOMT.
We’d been waiting for this for nearly 18 months. It was judgement day. The courtroom was packed with Halbach family members. Steven Avery’s mom Dolores arrived, but her husband, Allan, was not present. Dolores’s brother was there, along with Steve’s aunt Ivonne. They’ve been in this spot with Steve before and the last time he went to prison for 18 years.
I was looking around and the attorneys appeared calm, yet tense. Some Calumet cops kept peeking into the media room, I think they were just making sure everything was okay. Then, I saw a couple of faces that I hadn’t seen in weeks, but they were two faces I’d seen many times before: Manitowoc County Sheriff Rob Hermann and Inspector Gregg Schetter, the Manty County Cops. I greeted Sheriff Hermann, who I’d met at a news conference nearly a year and a half ago. He’s a nice guy and I’ve seen him a lot over the last several months. Rob was standing next to me, it was pretty much standing room only in our media room. Morry climbed up on a chair to get a picture or 10 of Steve as they brought him in.
To quote Simon and Garfunkel, the only thing that you could hear was the “sound of silence” and camera clicking.
Everyone in the courtroom sat down, the jury was brought in. I watched as they walked in because I wanted to see whether they would look at Steve. I’ve often heard that jurors delivering a not guilty verdict will look at the defendant. These jurors did not appear to look at Steve as they walked in, but we had no idea of what the verdict would be.
The papers were handed to Judge Willis and he started to read, “We the jury find the defendant Steven A. Avery guilty of first degree intentional homicide.” I stood there frozen, and I didn’t even hear the second count being read, when Judge Willis said the jurors reached a not guilty verdict on the mutilation of a corpse charge. By all appearances, the courtroom was silent.
Judge Willis thanked the jurors for their service. That was my cue to get outside. I marched down the hallway with another reporter, and we walked outside, and got into position in front of our cameras. Chelly Boutott was there and she was trying to get interviews with people leaving the courthouse.
We then went down to the media room and Mike Halbach was speaking. It was very touching. He said that his family would be keeping the Averys in their prayers, since they too have suffered a great loss. What a class act, with all they’ve been through.
Then Dean Strang and Jerome Buting spoke. They were disappointed. They believe in Steven. I’ve never seen two attorneys advocate so strongly for a client. They worked very hard for Steven Avery.They are to be commended. They’re very nice guys.
Then Special Prosecutor Ken Kratz and the Calumet and Manitowoc County cops came down. It’s been a long road for them, and they’ve worked hard to see that justice would be served for Teresa Halbach and her family. They all look tired. It was weird sitting there , watching this Wall O’ Law Enforcement. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time with these guys over the last 18 months whether it was at court or at news conferences. Cops sometimes get a bad wrap, but I can tell you, these cops the Manitowoc and Calumet guys were thinking of one thing throughout this case, and that was: Teresa Halbach.
What did you think of the verdict? Did you watch? We may post your response.
Posted by Angenette Levy at Mar 20, 2007 8:47 pm Cross Examination of Dr. Gordon Ken Kratz accused Dr. Gordon of “cherry picking” by choosing to put things in his report that would favor Brendan Dassey’s assertion that his confession was false, and the result of suggestion by investigators.
Ken Kratz cited a question Dassey was asked. Dassey said that he believed it was true that anyone would lie to keep out of trouble. Gordon said that the testing he used was not suitable to determine whether Dassey could be diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder, or anti-social tendencies. Anti-social personality disorder is defined as:
“A psychiatric diagnosis in the DSM-IV-TR recognizable by the disordered individual's disregard for social rules and norms, impulsive behavior, and indifference to the rights and feelings of others.”
Kratz also cited the difference between suggestibility and a truly false confession. He pointed out studies about false confessions.
There are three types of confessions:
1) Voluntary 2) Coerced, compliant – the subject perceives a gain 3) Coerced, internalized – the subject convinces herself or himself that they committed the crime
Kratz: Their studies indicate that most false confessions are the result of very long interrogations, sometimes that last into the days, rather than just an hour.
Gordon: True.
Kratz said Dassey started to make admissions about 60 minutes into his 3 to 4 hour interrogation.
Gordon conceded that Dassey’s low IQ which has been estimated between 73 and 81, his shyness and other personality traits, could make him susceptible to giving a true or false confession.
Gordon reiterated that his testing was designed to show how suggestible Dassey might be, not the truthfulness of his statement.
Apr 24, 2007 9:38 pm The Dane County 15 Let me tell you, Brendan Dassey couldn’t ask for a better jury, in my opinion. These people are a smart, smart bunch. They seem attentive and considerate and open-minded.
11 women and four men sit on the jury. A woman was dismissed last Friday due to illness. I have watched them when I’ve been in the courtroom. A few look a little tired, but otherwise they seem to be holding up well. They listened carefully as Brendan Dassey testified yesterday. They also watched the confession; some took notes while I was in the courtroom. The day after the confession played, it seemed many of them couldn’t even look at Brendan, though. Some of the women just stared at him, skeptically. Some of the men did not look at him.
The jury is staying at a local hotel in Manitowoc. I’ve stopped by the bar there after work a couple of times to meet reporters who are also staying there . The jury always has a great spread set out for them. Last night, I walked by and there was some awesome Strawberry Shortcake on the dessert tray.
They arrive every morning looking fairly chipper. Tomorrow, they should have the case by late afternoon or early evening.
Does anyone want to guess how long they’ll deliberate?
Apr 25, 2007 10:30 am Sexual Assault Charge: Amended This morning, Special Prosecutor Ken Kratz asked the court to amend the criminal complaint and change the first degree sexual assault charge as a party to a crime to second degree sexual assault as a party to a crime.
Judge Fox granted the motion. Then, Mark Fremgen asked to have that charge dismissed, citing a lack of physical evidence. Fremgen said there is no physical evidence to support the charge. In fact, he said the only evidence to support it is the confession, and according to the law, some evidence must be offered aside from the confession.
Special Prosecutor Norm Gahn said there isn’t a lot of physical evidence because Steven and Brendan burned Teresa’s body. However, he said the discovery of handcuffs and leg irons in Steve’s bedroom, along with Teresa’s DNA on the bullet found in Steve’s garage is sufficient evidence to corroborate the confession. Gahn also noted how the furniture in Avery’s bedroom had been rearranged, which Brendan said in his confession, and Jodi Stachowski, Avery’s girlfriend testified too, which supports the claim that the bedroom was cleaned thoroughly to destroy evidence.
Judge Fox said there’s enough evidence to have the jury consider the charge. Motion to dismiss, denied.
Apr 25, 2007 5:10 pm More of Your Emails Thanks for writing in again, everyone! And, as I’ve said, keep ‘em comin’! I want to know what you’re thinking.
Brendan’s Testimony
Dug that hole a mile deep. That's why I find it quite interesting why a defense attorney would let his client go up on the stand, put a noose around his neck and hang himself. My past experiences were a defendant NEVER makes a good witness. The phone call to his mother seems to me to be the deal sealer.
Tim, De Pere
I think every word he confessed to is true. Steven Avery is the one that should pay dearly for this kid, I think he made a wrong choice but Steven is the real problem. Too bad Wisconsin doesn't have the death penalty.
Marie
How long do you think the jury will deliberate?
I say once the jury gets the instructions, they will be out no more than 4 hours before they return their verdict. I can't help but feel that when Brendan took the stand Monday that he lost all possible hope for any "sympathy" from the jury to possibly convict on a lesser charge.
Tammi, Green Bay
1 hour
Dan
I think the jury will be out about 10 minutes...
Mark
I think the Jury will deliberate and reach a verdict in less than 2 hours. The evidence is clear. The decision should be easy.
MN DePere, WI
Tom Fallon’s Closing Argument
I caught most of it....compelling to say the least ? Is it just me or has Brendan "perked" up a little bit since his testimony Monday ? I sure hope this kid doesn't think that he is going home after all this....breaks my heart for both families.
Tammi
Angenette, Apr 25, 2007 7:28 pm We’re on Verdict Watch I’ve received some emails asking about what’s going on out here in Manitowoc County.
We’re all sitting in the parking lot of the courthouse or hanging out in the parking lot. It’s really, really cold out here!
The jury got the case around 4:30 p.m. after some pretty impressive closing arguments from the State and the defense.
The Dane County jury now consists of 13 people – 12 jurors and 1 alternate composed of four men and two women. Two women were relieved of their duties today.
They just got dinner. It’s Italian consisting of pizza and other stuff. It smelled delicious!
It could be a long night, or a short one. We’re in hurry up and wait mode. When we were in Madison for jury selection, the deputies at the Dane County Courthouse said that a jury their deliberated until 6:00 a.m. several weeks ago, and returned a verdict then.
We could be in a for a short wait, or a long night.
I’ll do my best to keep you updated.
Apr 25, 2007 7:35 pm Two Mothers – Polar Opposites Karen Halbach -- Teresa’s Mom
Everyday for the last 18 months or so, I can imagine that Karen Halbach has awakened to milk her cows and see her two teenage daughters off to school. As she walks toward her barn, does she look across that farm field and see the home that used to be occupied by Teresa? I wonder what it must be like for her, to open her eyes every morning. Is Teresa the first thing that comes to mind? Is she the last thing she thinks about before going to sleep?
I know that my mom always says there’s probably nothing worse that a parent can go through, than to lose his or her child. Losing a child is a totally unnatural experience. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children; they’re supposed to watch them grow up, have their own children -- or not -- and grow to middle age, and in some instances, old age. But, Karen Halbach was robbed of that by Steven Avery -- and now, Brendan Dassey.
I’ve heard over and over again that the Halbachs have a deep faith that has guided them through the last 18 months. Mike Halbach has often said that he gets his strength from his mother. I don’t know whether it’s faith or life experience or a combination of both, but I know that I don’t understand how this family has kept it together.
Imagine for months, turning on the news and listening to the man you believe to be the murderer of your daughter, granting interviews and suggesting that your daughter might still be alive. Imagine Karen Halbach, listening to Steven Avery talk about how cops might have planted his blood to frame them for her daughter’s murder. To listen to him say, “she was here for 5 minutes, and left” even after his nephew gives a three-hour recorded confession.
I feel for Karen Halbach and the rest of the Halbach family. My younger sister is Teresa’s age, and let me tell you, if that had been my sister, I would have lost it a long time ago. The first time Steven Avery walked into the courtroom smirking my way, I might have lost it. But then in a way he wins. I might be in a straight jacket by now, if something like that happened to my sister. But, then again, you never know how you’ll handle a situation, until you’re in it.
I don’t know whether the phrase “grace under pressure” adequately describes Karen Halbach -- it seems like it’s not good enough. We could all learn a thing or two from Karen Halbach and her family. They’ve got more class in their little finger than some people could ever hope to have.
Barbara Tadych
I met Barb Tadych on the evening of March 1, 2006. It was the night that her son, Brendan Dassey, confessed to helping rape and murder Teresa Halbach and then burn her body.
I stumbled upon Barb and she agreed to talk with me. Standing outside, she looked absolutely stunned. She told me about her baby, Brendan and how her brother threatened him to go through with it. I stood outside in the cold, it was misting a bit, and listened to her as she poured out her heart to me. She told me about how badly she felt for the Halbach family. She didn’t understand how someone could “take an innocent life.”
Barb told me that Brendan had a learning disability and that “he does as he’s told.” I had no idea at this point that Brendan had confessed to the things he did -- I thought that he had confessed to helping burn Teresa’s body, nothing more.
I’ll never forget what it was like to look into her eyes as she realized what her brother had dragged her son into that Halloween day. She said that she was “numb.” She looked into the camera and spoke to her brother and said, “Steven, I know you’re going to be watching this and I hate you for what you did to my son, so you can rot in hell, alright. And I’m gonna get you for it.”
That night, I would learn that Brendan Dassey had confessed to murder and implicated Steven Avery in the crime. I was stunned. I remember thinking, “a 16-year-old kid did this?” Of course it’s possible, but how could a kid do this?
As I’ve said before, only Brendan Dassey can answer the “why” question. And, if he did do it, and if it was simply because he “wanted to see what if felt like”as far as sex goes, then why did Steven Avery bring his young, impressionable nephew into this?
How could he do this not only to Teresa Halbach, but to his sister and his nephew? Only Avery can answer that question and right now he’s saying that he didn’t do it.
I’ve watched Barb over the last 13 months. This has worn on her terribly. She wants her son to come home and the truth of the matter is, he may never see the light of day again once that jury returns with a verdict.
It’s very, very sad. If Brendan Dassey did this then he must be punished, he must be held accountable. But, Barb didn’t do anything and it’s hard to watch a mother who may lose her child -- albeit in a much different way than the Halbachs.
In talking to Barb I can tell that she’s tried to be a good mother and that she loves her children. We all have to play with the hand we’re dealt, and sometimes it just seems like Barb got a really bad hand.
It’s also terribly sad that most of the time Barb comes to court by herself. Brendan’s dad Peter has been here in the mornings, but he has to work in the afternoon. When Steve was on trial, many of the Avery family members showed up for court everyday. It’s sad to see that Brendan’s grandparents, Dolores and Allan, and his uncles choose to stay home for his court appearances. Why all the support for Steve and none for Brendan?
It must be awful to feel like no one’s behind you, or your son. She also trusted her brother with her son, and now look what’s happened, if what Brendan said is true.
P.S. -- Karen Halbach and Barb Tadych share the same birthday.
Angenette Apr 30, 2007 3:34 pm I first heard about Hey Rosetta! when I was living in St. John's. I was invited out to their CD release show having never heard of them before. I was blown away and have been making sure to see them anytime they swing through Nova Scotia. They are a highly entertaining live show and if you live in or near these cities it would be worth checking them out. I think they are touring with Hot Hot Heat (also Canadian).
Some of my favourites of their videos:
There's An Arc - Very fun video for “There’s An Arc” filmed in the lead singer's (Tim) house. I believe it is all one take.
Red Heart - video for “Red Heart” which is one of their more well known tracks I think. It has been on CBC radio 2 a bunch.
Red Song - “Red Song” is not from any album (Their is an EP of it though) but it is just wonderful.
Black Heart - Live video from the Majestic Theatre in St. John's (incidentally where I first saw them play), thanks to Bumblebeeman for mentioning this tune.
Olympic Video Essay - Stephen Brunt’s video essay on Canada’s 2010 Olympic experience (which ends with “Red Heart”).
List of shows in US and a few in Canada:
08/17/2010 - Hotel Cafe,
Los Angeles CA -$8 / 7:00 pm
08/19/2010 - Rickshaw Stop,
San Francisco CA - $15 / 9:00 pm - All Ages - 155 Fell Street San Francisco w/ Hot Hot Heat
08/20/2010 - Velvet Jones,
Santa Barbara CA - $13 / 9:00 pm - 21+ - 423 State Street Santa Barbara w/ Hot Hot Heat
08/21/2010 - Belly Up Tavern,
Solana Beach CA - $13 / 9:30 pm - 21+ - 143 S. Cedros Ave Solana Beach w/ Hot Hot Heat
08/22/2010 - Hard Rock Hotel & Casino,
Las Vegas NV - $15 / 9:30 pm - 21+ - 4455 Paradise Road, Las Vegas w/ Hot Hot Heat
08/23/2010 - Martini Ranch,
Scottsdale AZ - $13 / 7:00 pm - All Ages - 7295 E. Stetson Drive Scottsdale w/ Hot Hot Heat
08/24/2010 - The Rock,
Tucson AZ - $13 / 7:00 pm - All Ages - 136 N. Park Tucson w/ Hot Hot Heat
08/26/2010 - The Loft,
Dallas TX - $13 / 8:30 pm - 1135 S. Lamar Dallas w/ Hot Hot Heat
08/27/2010 - Emo's ,
Austin TX - $14 / 9:00 pm - All Ages - 603 Red River Austin
08/31/2010 - Masquerade - Hell Stage,
Atlanta GA - $15 / 8:00 pm - All Ages - 695 North Ave. NE w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/01/2010 - The Mercy Lounge,
Nashville TN - $13 / 9:00 pm - 18+ - One Cannery Row Nashville w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/03/2010 - Rock and Roll Hotel,
Washington DC - $15 / 9:30 pm -All Ages - 1353 H St NE Washington w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/04/2010 - Ottobar,
Baltimore MD - $15 / 9:00 pm - All Ages - 2549 N. Howard St. Baltimore w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/05/2010 - North Star Bar,
Philadelphia PA - $15 / 8:30 pm - 21+ - 2639 W. Poplar St. Philadelphia w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/07/2010 - The Bowery Balroom,
New York NY - $15 / 8:00 pm - 18+ - 6 Delancey St. New York w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/08/2010 - The Middle East Downstairs,
Cambridge MA - $15 / 9:00 pm
09/10/2010 - Lincoln Hall,
Chicago IL - $15 / 10:00 pm - 21+ - 2424 N. Lincoln Ave. w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/11/2010 - The Crofoot,
Pontiac MI - $13 / 8:30 pm - All Ages - 1 S. Saginaw Pontiac w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/12/2010 - The Basement,
Columbus OH - $13 / 8:00 pm - All Ages - 391 Neil Avenue Columbus w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/13/2010 - The Rave / Eagles Club,
Milwaukee WI - $13 / 7:00 pm - All Ages - 2401 W. Wisconsin Ave w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/14/2010 - Vaudeville Mews,
Des Moines IA - $13 / 8:00 pm - 21+ - 212 4th Street Des Moines w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/15/2010 - Seventh Street,
Minneapolis MN - $13 / 9:00 pm - 18+ - 29 North 7th Street Minneapolis w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/17/2010 - Bluebird Theater,
Denver CO - $12.75 / 9:00 pm - 16+ - 3317 E. Colfax Ave. Denver w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/18/2010 - Club Sound,
Salt Lake City UT - $15 / 8:00 pm - All Ages 579 W. 200 South Salt Lake City w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/20/2010 - The Empyrean,
Spokane WA - $12 / 7:00 pm - All Ages - 154 S Madison Spokane
09/21/2010 - Chop Suey,
Seattle WA - $13 / 9:00 pm - All Ages - 1325 E. Madison Seattle w/ Hot Hot Heat
09/22/2010 - Someday Lounge,
Portland OR - $ / 9:00 pm
09/24/2010 - Commodore Ballroom,
Vancouver BC $25 / 8:00 pm Tickets $25 + service charges with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
09/25/2010 - Rifflandia Music Festival 3 // Market Square,
Victoria BC - $ / 8:00 pm
09/27/2010 - The Habitat,
Kelowna BC - $ / 8:00 pm - 19+ with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
09/29/2010 Republik,
Calgary AB $20 / 8:00 pm 18+ with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
10/02/2010 Pyramid Cabaret,
Winnipeg MB $25.75 / 8:00 pm 18+ Tickets are $25.75 + service charges with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
10/04/2010 The Wall at Nippising University,
North Bay ON $13.27 / 8:00 pm with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
10/06/2010 The Studio at Hamilton Place,
Hamilton ON $30 / 8:00 pm All Ages Tickets $30 + service charges with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
10/07/2010 Norma Jeans,
London ON $17.50/$20 / 8:00 pm 19+ with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
10/10/2010 Capital Music Hall, Ottawa ON $33.54 / 8:00 pm 19+ with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
10/15/2010 Dagobert,
Quebec City QC $ / 8:00 pm 18+ with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
10/16/2010 Belmont,
Montréal QC $ / 8:00 pm 18+ with Rich Aucoin and Hot Hot Heat
This is their site (I guess that is obvious) -
http://www.heyrosetta.com/ I hope some people take the opportunity to go see them, would be good to have some Hey Rosetta! Kool-Aid drinkers on
music!
Edited for Formatting
My reasons for writing this are purely my own, but I am choosing to share this story. Why? Because I am everyone and I am no one. I could be you, or your best friend, your parent, your sibling, your child. I could be the homeless man who has lost it all that you scoff at. I could be the billionaire that millions look up to. I am a human being, and this is a true story... this is my story.
Me: 12/10/1981 - ????
Family
I was a happy child, an only child. My mother had me when she was in her early 30s and then found out I would be the only child she would ever have. My family home was near an apartment complex where I met most of my early childhood friends. We lived in a nice house, but my family was not well off. My parents were two of the hardest working parents an only child could ask for. I was given almost anything I ever asked for that a child could want... even if it wasn't right away. I always had a roof over my head, and my parents stayed married right up until my mom passed away last year. I had the hand-me-down and thrift store clothes. All of this came at a cost. My father was often not around because he worked late night jobs for better pay to be able to provide for our family. I developed a very strong bond with my mother during my childhood. She taught me how to ride my first bike, gardening, simple home repair, cooking, cleaning, hunting, drawing, how to take care of animals, and so much more. I was highly encouraged to follow the arts and music by my mother. My father was the main provider, because he had to be. He wasn't big on the life lessons thing, mom taught me about girls, and about being a good person. We visited my grandmother and the rest of my mom's side of the family every holiday and it was always something to look forward to. My mother was my best friend, through the best of times and worst of times. I am grateful for the childhood that was provided to me.
School K-8
I completed 2 years of nursery school and one year of parochial school because I was too young to start public schools. I learned math and writing at a very early age. I was not even in kindergarten yet and I had learned multiplication tables and writing. It was quite a shock to then go into public schools and alternate learning about colors of the rainbow and nap time. I started hating school around 1st grade. I was bullied for being different. I was bullied for not wearing nice clothes. I was bullied for how I breathed because of an issue with my tonsils. I was bullied for my weight. I was bullied because I couldn't afford the nice glasses. I once had masking tape put over my mouth by my first grade teacher because I talked too much to a female classmate. I was followed to the bus stop every day and punched on until I eventually walked back home to have my parents drive me to school. When I was on the bus, it consisted of the entire bus singing mocking songs about my childhood name all the way to and from school. When I complained about the attacks and tormenting and the being followed around, I was ignored by teachers and admin and called an actor or attention seeker.
One day I was in lunch room. I was having a bad day and kicked a stack of chairs. A random student I never had issues with before came up to me and asked me what my problem was. I ignored him. He slapped my glasses off my face, and they fell into my food. Him and his buddies laughed and went and sat down. When I left the lunch room and entered the hallway, he was waiting for me. He started by pushing me into a locker and saying something about my attitude. "I don't want to fight you" I said. Again pushed, and pushed, over thirty times by my count. A crowd gathered. "I don't want to fight you...." I pleaded. The last push bounced my head off of the locker and I came back swinging. I didn't stop punching until I was physically separated from him by two or more people. His face was cut and bruised and he was being tended to by the school nurse. The principal asked me if I did that to him, and I said yes, and I'd do it again. I was kicked out of school for a week and he was allowed to stay.
12th Birthday!
School 8-12
I got zeroes on homework but I aced all tests. I violated their attendance policy because I refused to go most of the time, yet I held a B+ average. (Still counted as F due to their policy) I missed my junior prom and some of my final exams due to being kicked out of school when a student said I threatened to kill them after the shooting at Columbine happened. I wore a trench coat and had long hair, I fit the 'profile' and I was already generally thought of as a troublemaker. I was thrown out of school pending an expulsion while 6 police cars raided my childhood home with warrants where they confiscated every piece of personal property I owned, including my computer, cds, journals, books, bibles, sketch pads, and anything that could be considered a weapon or made into one. I was then taken 'down town' and questioned about why I made threats to people when I clearly hadn't. After my 2 week hiatus I returned to the school sort of the antihero. I had found out that the entire high school student body had passed around a petition to have me reinstated to class after the baseless accusations turned out to not be true. The principal had the petition shredded. At age 17, I was forced to undergo an intelligence test as well as a psychological evaluation to be allowed back into public school. These tests determined I was a "slightly depressed albeit normal teenage male with a grade 19 comprehension level." This is what allowed me back into school to finish out a senior year where I was never apologized to by those who wronged me, but I was respected. I found out that no matter what I did, due to the complications of the previous year I would not be able to graduate with my class. I would be a half credit short. I showed up just to spite them and did what work I felt like until that year was over, and then I completed the rest of my credits in an alternative work at your own pace school in about 3 weeks over the summer. My diploma still has what I consider the wrong year on it.
Guardian
I didn't date in school, I never had a girlfriend. The concept didn't interest me. That's not to say I wasn't interested in girls, but I was in my world of computers and sports and pretty timid when it came to making the first move. I watched as every girl I started to have feelings for would date my friends and be happy for them. When things weren't so happy in their relationship, I could always be the one counted on for advice to keep them together. A girl that I deeply loved and cared for never wanted anything to do with me but was always asking me about the next cute guy she was after. I played my role well, despite how it made me feel, because it was the right thing to do. The one girl I did try to create a relationship with told the entire school the next day all of the intimate details about what happened between us which quickly put a stop to any further attempts. To this day I don't think she realizes that people made fun of me because I chose her. I met a girl from the trade school I went to and we hit it off really well. We only got to see each other a few times a week and went to some parties together. I fell very hard for her, and all we needed was more time together. One night we were at a party together and she was very drunk and a friend of mine pulled me aside to brag he was going to "nail her tonight." I smiled and played off what he had just said to me, and proceeded to not leave her side the entire night. I carried her unconscious to my friend's own bedroom and locked the door, covered her up, and slept on the floor at the foot of the bed. The next morning she had already left. She told me later on the phone that if she hadn't been so drunk she would have spent the night with me.
The night I would have asked her to be my official 'girlfriend' another girl at the party hovered very close by and continued to fill my cup with enough liquor to anesthetize a rhino. I was led off into the woods, one thing led to another, and when I returned she had bragged to the girl that she knew I loved what had just happened. Nothing was ever the same after that, and in my twisted sense of desperation I met with the other girl a few times and asked if she wanted to be with me, to which she replied that she had a boyfriend. I never saw either of them again.
Future?
I had a horrible school record, my GPA was awful, my dream of joining the military was dashed due to my now existing psych record. I started working at a great job at 18 years old for the same company my father worked for. It was hard work but the pay was good. I learned the value of a dollar. I was able to buy great things for myself. A nice car, an amazing stereo system for the car, whatever clothes I wanted. I fell in love around this same time. I enjoyed a few years of relative happiness, despite always feeling on edge and wanting to put my fist through walls.
Slavery I
My first experience with hard drugs was morphine. I acquired it because when I went to a doctor for the pain issues I was having they pretty much laughed at me. It was in my head they said... Physically, I was fine. The pain was still real. The medicine worked. Not long after this due to the company I kept, I jumped straight to being an IV drug user. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I successfully hid my addiction from my partner, my family, and my friends, for over 6 years. Nobody knew how bad it was. You learn how to hide it, out of shame and fear. You also learn how to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and hurt others if necessary, to stave off the insanity that occurs when a chemical now dictates your every action and that chemical leaves your body. I was laid off from my job and quickly spiraled out of control. I went from almost $50k a year to unemployment. I started piece by piece selling off every material possession I could stand to part with in order to keep my head above water and make sure I could maintain some level of sanity.
Vigilante
I was walking with my friend home one night. It was cold outside and there was fresh falling snow. We heard a woman's muffled scream and turned to see a man strike his wife in the face through a large picture window. We knew what we had to do. We walked up to the front door and knocked very loudly. The man opened the door and I could see her bruised face cowering behind who I assumed was her husband. He said "What the hell do you wa..." and that's when I grabbed him and pulled him out of his own house into the snowbank. I hit him once in the face in the same spot he hit his wife, and then proceeded to knee him in the ribs until he begged me to stop. His wife came out to try and get me to stop but my friend held her back and said "If you don't call the police, I will." and they went in the house to call 911. I used my weight to hold the husband down until the police arrived. I remember him saying he wanted to press charges on me and the police just stuffed him into the car and gave me a look which meant I was free to go.
Death I
My mother found out when my girlfriend had to make a phone call to my mother to say that I had overdosed and I was on my way to the hospital. My girlfriend came home and found me with a needle still in my arm, not moving or breathing, and my face was blue. I had been dead for a few minutes. The first responder was a police officer who had known me my entire life and he was able to somehow revive me. I remember being very pissed off that I was woken up, and at the doctors who at first judged me, then showed compassion. They gave me antibiotics for my infected arm and sent me home. We never told my father. That night, I carved a line into my arm with a knife.
Slavery II
Sanity was an illusion. At this point I was not only selling things to maintain my addiction but also others'. I was involved with a few different people that would keep me hooked just so that I could supply them with money to feed their gambling compulsions and inability to pay for bills. It was made very clear that if I ever stopped I would be cut off. I was threatened often by these people, and even if not explicitly stated, I was made to believe that if I ever thought of quitting I would be accused of rape and be exposed as a thief and a distributor, meaning probably a life sentence in prison. So I did what I had to do. I also started combining drugs. I combined different types of speed with the high amounts (800-1000mg) of morphine I needed on a daily basis just to function. I combined different types of downers to counter-effect not being able to sleep. I vomited every morning I woke up and shook uncontrollably until I could manage to give myself enough to not look like a complete junkie all the time.
Recovery I
I checked myself into an inpatient detox. My only possessions with me were some clothes, and an engagement ring on a necklace that had been given back to me. I was very pissed off but open to trying anything. I felt that if nothing else I could at least get away from my life for a bit. I resisted all urges to go full inpatient for 30-90 days due to what my family and friends would think of me. After four days, I checked out against advice and skipped my follow up appointment. I called to ask for advice and they told me I shouldn't have left if I was still having these thoughts and issues but if I came back now I would have to pay for the entire thing myself. I lasted 9 hours before locking myself in a bathroom at a gas station to make the pain and anxiety stop.
The Good Son
I was living across town in a small house with my girlfriend. My parents had decided to go out to the casino and asked me to come by and check on the animals. My mom was quite the zookeeper. At my last count I believe they had 6 dogs, 7 cats, and over 30 exotic parrots. She hand raised and sold animals for fun and income. My affinity for animals comes from her. I've loved and lost more pets than I care to remember. I went over to the house and checked all of the cages, I held my favorite kitty, and even played with the kittens. I let the family dog out and she ran off... AGAIN! I waited around for her to come back and let her back into the house. I remember sneaking in to grab a few items of food from the pantry and a pack of cigarettes from my mom's stash, then letting the dog lick my face right before going home and laying on the couch.
Catastrophe
I was laying on the couch attempting to sleep. Whatever concoction I had put into my body worked enough to allow me about 2 hours... then the phone rang. It was my father and he was crying. I asked what was wrong, and he said "The house is on fire son... it's all gone.." I don't know if I even bothered to hang up the phone before I was in the car and I could see the flames and smoke from 3 blocks away. I stood with my mom and dad as I watched my entire childhood disappear. The firefighters were able to salvage a few photo albums and my parent's bedroom, but the entire house was a loss. This included the rest of my 'family' that was trapped inside, and I was the last one to see any of them still alive. When the smoke cleared... I couldn't handle recovering their little bodies. My girlfriend and mother spent days searching for every last one so they could be properly buried, and I wasn't able to be there for it. We had thought for a time that maybe the dog got out because nobody could find her... until it was discovered she was laying underneath the very door I closed and locked behind me on my way out. It didn't sink in until my girlfriend handed me the slightly charred collar and the tag that still had her name on it... Daisy. After this, I was able to return to the site and help with the cleanup. There was a lot of things that needed to be salvaged from my parents room and cleared out for insurance purposes. I will never forget the smell. Dad, with Daisy and Aliyah
Death II
The details are fuzzy... but I remember waking up in a dark closet. I could still feel the effects of whatever it was I took. A broken rope laid at my feet... and wrapped around my neck. My throat was very sore and I couldn't speak. I slowly realized what had happened. I was alone... there was nobody in the house. I gathered myself and hid all evidence of what had occurred. I burned the rope. I told no one. I carved another line.
Dissolution
It was around 8:30 in the morning. I had been cut off for over 2 days. Insanity and desperation does strange things to the addict mind. I walked into a pharmacy and slid a note across the counter demanding they give me morphine and oxycontin. I held one hand in my pocket and did a lot of screaming. The old man behind the counter was afraid but resolute. "No, I'm not giving you anything" he said. I fled. I drove all the way home and locked myself in my room. The news reports started... describing what had happened and showing a very accurate sketch of someone who looked an awful lot like me. It wasn't me though... it was him. Have you seen this man?
Reckoning I
The man I had become had found himself in the back of a police car in handcuffs. After 2 months of lying and trying to hide it and being constantly questioned by the police I had finally confessed. I protected those I felt I needed to protect, and took it all on myself. The charges were staggering. I was told I would probably be in prison for 5-10 years. My father was finally informed of my situation and how bad I was because my mother and girlfriend hid it from him. He was there to bail me out. He was there to drive me to my first rehab. I knew I would be facing jail time. I knew it wouldn't really help my case. This was still the perfect time to check in. I had been in lockup for over 3 days and the worst of my withdrawal was over.
Recovery II
I checked into a rehab facility and it was determined intensive outpatient was best for me since I was living in a 'safe' environment. I was put on a replacement therapy drug called Suboxone, which curbed my cravings but little else. I was able to get a lot better, but due to the sensitive and complex nature of my involvement with those who kept me in check I lied a lot during my treatment. I was also not trusted with my own medication even after it was made clear it wasn't a medication I could really abuse. My very lifeline was controlled and held away from me. I went to court and was sentenced to 90 days in jail, due to my clean record and willingness to receive treatment. There's no need to discuss that time, it served nothing other than to remind myself how much of a criminal I'm really not. A bunch of guys sitting around in the same room telling me how I should have done it better and not got caught. Because you know they are obviously the experts at not getting caught. I sat around with people who were there for everything from assault to child rape. I sat with a former turnkey from the very jail we were incarcerated in. I sat with people so much different than me, yet the same. I got really good at ping pong, and read more books there than I ever had in my entire life... So there was some good that came out of it.
Routine
I was released from jail and subject to further methods of control. "Are you sure you need 2 today? why not try just 1?" ... "You know how expensive this medication is? You should really try to get off of this, we can't afford to keep doing this" ... "Why won't you just stop? What is wrong with you?" ... "Maybe if you would just get a job instead of laying around on your expensive pills and going to those stupid meetings we could have a real life." I had 2 years of probation, to which I passed every test and goal set for me. I lived in a trailer with dog and cat excrement everywhere. Trash bags would pile up almost to the ceiling. I didn't eat a home cooked meal unless I made it myself or went to my parent's new house. If I didn't do it, it didn't get done, and I couldn't do it. I lived in a dungeon of my own design, because I deserved it.
Ghost in the Shell
I couldn't work in my condition. I sunk myself into the world of the internet. I didn't leave the house for fear of the outside world and not only what it had done to me but what I had done to it. I started playing online games again. I joined several online support groups and made friends with my gamer buddies. I told them enough, but not everything. I was able to help people with their own problems despite living in my own personal hell. I received updates, photos and emails from people that I was able to help through the worst parts of their detox, recovery, and pain management because of my fresh experience. I dared not tell them that for every personal victory they shared with me I felt more defeated. My friends and family became non-existent during this time. My friends online became my only real friends I had left. They were there for me when I needed them the most, and I became relied upon by them as well. I became the go to guy with all the answers. I solved problems, helped people, organized fundraising, and started to feel a little better about my life.
Schism
"WHO IS SHE?!" Was the scream I heard has I was shaken awake from my spot on the couch. A cell phone was being waved in my face. On the screen was a single message: "Thank you for your help Rob, I love you!" There was a perfectly logical explanation for it, but it really didn't matter what I said. It didn't matter that the reason a girl would tell me she loved me is because I helped her through a rough time in her life and provided her with resources to be able to get out of an abusive relationship. She lived half way across the country, and was a good friend of mine. "Nobody would tell you they loved you if you weren't screwing them." ... "Nobody could love you" I looked around at a destroyed home with nothing but garbage piled up and fresh dog urine by the door. "I guess you're right, and I guess this is goodbye."
Exodus
My parents still didn't really trust me enough to allow me to move back home, so I found a roommate. An older Native American woman who became a good friend and we had great discussions about spirituality and life. I found myself unable to pay the rent she asked me to pay, and so I began to search for a way out. I made the decision to leave Michigan, and my hometown. I had unemployment still, and had just enough cash to be able to make a one-way trip somewhere. I convinced my parents to let me stay in a spare office so that I could have internet access and organize my trip. My group of online friends raised over $300 for me to be able to fix my car that would not be able to make it very far in it's current state. A good friend in Florida offered to let me stay on his couch while I looked for work. There was a recent oil spill, and any able bodied person would be able to get work.
Buckeyed
I packed everything I could possibly fit into my small convertible, and drove to my friend's house in Ohio to stay a couple days. Her and I met online, we gamed together. We had a good few nights of drinking and partying. I remember her telling me she couldn't have her boyfriend over since I was staying there so I was getting ready to continue my journey but a mix-up at the bank had left me with absolutely zero money and options. I ended up staying almost 2 weeks which seriously strained our friendship. I remember her daughter asking her why I couldn't stay and how sad she was. She ended up finding me some roommates in her same building and I never really saw her again. Larry and Andrew, a lovely couple let me move in with them. Being from a small town, this was quite a culture shock for me, but a life altering experience. I developed a deep respect and admiration for homosexual people that never existed before this because I was simply ignorant. I remember them urging me to come out of my room and have dinner with them. I realized I had become quite the shut in... I moved in with them and only came out for meals. It was all I could really handle. When I finally moved out, I lost touch with them and now wish I knew how they were doing.
Cheese
Florida never panned out... I ended up meeting a woman through some mutual friends and drove to Wisconsin to visit her. I stayed a week and when I went to leave she asked me to stay with her. We drove together to Ohio to gather my belongings and suddenly I was a resident of Madison WI. A place I knew nothing about. By far the biggest city I've ever lived in. New love, new people, new experiences, new dangers. I could really love this place.
Death III
I was alone in the apartment with someone I thought was my friend. He produced from his pocket a small amount of what looked like a crushed pill. He asked if I wanted to share it with him. He had all the means to do it. Without much of a thought I pushed the fluid into my arm and felt the wave rush over me. I remember saying I didn't feel right. "This doesn't feel right.. This isn't......"
I woke up being carried down the stairs by 4 paramedics and a police officer. I had a sharp pain in my leg and didn't fully understand what was going on. They explained to me I had to be revived and that I was lucky, and my 'friend' probably helped save my life by calling 911. He packed ice packs from my freezer into my armpits and in my groin to lower my core temperature until they were able to arrive which slowed the progression. The paramedics couldn't find a vein to administer the counteracting drugs because of all of the scar tissue on my arms. The only route left was a direct bone marrow IV that was stabbed into my leg bone through the muscle. While in the ambulance I confessed everything to the police officer who cited me for possession. When I was in the hospital the doctor told me that I had technically been dead, and they ran all kinds of tests on me to make sure my heart and everything was fine. He unscrewed the bone marrow needle from my leg and said "If I see 100 people come in with these, 99 of them are already dead... consider yourself lucky" and I walked home.
Reckoning II
I once again turned myself over to the system. I confessed and accepted my punishment. I didn't need to go to jail this time, but I was put on 3 years of probation with mandatory check-ins and drug testing. I participated openly and honestly in my time with my state mandated treatment. I found myself once again being the veteran in a group of people just starting their problems. All of us so different, yet the same. I was a little more jaded this time around, pissed off at myself for lulling myself into a false sense of security. I used that bitterness to put things into perspective for people that while had their own issues, should definitely know how bad it can get. We hid what happened from my family and friends. It was too painful and the very thought of it made me go into full rage episodes. I started to withdraw from my relationships. I started not leaving the house again. I would shake uncontrollably for hours at a time and want to break things. The slightest hint of conflict would result in me exploding and screaming. I still wasn't working, and I was slipping deeper into a deadly mix of anxiety and depression.
Hope
I had already enrolled in college at this point. My episode and run in with the legal system prevented me from going back for a full year. In this time I started my first new job in over 5 years. I was shocked that despite my history I was hired and allowed to prove myself and re-integrate. I was good at this job too. I stuck to myself mostly, and talked to very few people. I was considered a high performer and applied for a promotion which after two tries I was given.
Matriarch
My mother had been struggling with multiple health ailments since the house fire and had began drinking to cope with the pain and loss of everything she loved. She never got more animals, she stopped painting and creating art. She stopped living. I watched from afar as she sank herself deeper into a pit I knew all too well and struggled with not being able to save her from it. I was at work when I received the first phone call from home I had gotten in a long time. It was my father, and his shaky voice already told me what I needed to know. "You need to be here, son." and I dropped everything and drove overnight 14 hours. When I arrived, she was unconscious and unable to respond. The doctors told me that her liver was shutting down and she also had an infected heart valve. Neither could be fixed without at least the other being in good shape. It wasn't good. My father and I spoke with the doctors who told us our options, which were basically to make her comfortable. We signed a DNR. We started to mentally prepare for what was about to happen, and went home to have a family dinner with some relatives. We returned the next day and my mother was not only sitting up, but eating. Surprised to see me. She had no recollection of any of it. It may have been the happiest moment in my entire life. We were blessed with almost a full year with my real mom. She had stopped drinking, she started putting on weight, she was managing her diabetes well. She went out with my father and enjoyed life. The next phone call I received from my father simply stated: "You need to prepare, son." Followed by a call only a few hours later in which he said: "It's all over, son."
Straw Man
In my current position, I am looked up to as a leader and as someone who knows what they are doing, I've developed great friendships with several people I work with. One thing I can say for certain, these people know me better than anyone else in my life. They are getting to know the real me. The real me that has overcome many obstacles in life. The person I am striving to be. They also see the carefully crafted facade put on by a man hanging by a thread. None of them knew I would put on a great performance and then then go home and lock myself in a darkened room until I stopped shaking. Through all this I remained strong and poured myself into my job, trying to be the best I could be at it.
Struggle
When I couldn't do it at home, I would drive somewhere and sit in my car until I could face the world again. I would come home to a girlfriend and then wife and not be able to speak to her. I couldn't put this kind of pressure on her, nobody deserves that. I would go to social gatherings, and if I started to get uncomfortable and anxious I would drink myself to near unconsciousness. I started avoiding home, I started avoiding friends, I started avoiding life. I would force myself to attend events and gatherings just to appear somewhat normal. People started noticing. People stopped inviting me out. I wasn't about to let my issues destroy what social life I've constructed, and so I made it clear I still wanted to be invited. I would leave work and then find an excuse to not go home until I was ready to face whatever life issues awaited me.
Fracture
The monster inside me had began to drive a wedge between my true self and those closest to me. I began to shake and get edgy at the very mention of any type of decision or conflict. What restaurant to eat at, which gas station to go to, which present to buy for someone's kid. I found myself becoming very uncomfortable in normal situations. I started avoiding anything that made me uncomfortable, which was almost everything. Being around negative people always made it worse. I've always been one to absorb the very energies projected by those around me. I surround myself with positive people because they make me feel good, and it costs them nothing. When I'm around negative people, the cost usually results in me being a complete mess by the end of the day. Through no fault of their own, almost every person I surrounded myself with started to affect me in very irregular ways. I couldn't tell them, because they wouldn't understand and how could they? The worse I got, the more their happy news and lives disturbed me because I couldn't have it myself. I started having the attacks every day. I would disappear into a side room or go sit in my car for my breaks. I would go home and then immediately throw on my headphones to shut out the world.
Cataclysm
My personal life had finally become fully enveloped by my life long issues. I was no longer a functioning man. I was no longer a functioning husband. I was quickly becoming what I feared and hated the most, my old self. I had everything in my hands. I was by myself in my apartment and nobody would have to know. I prepared what might as well have been cyanide because it was crafted for the same purpose once it entered my body. I started to shake, and I thought of my mother first... and then my closest friends... and then everyone else that had no clue what i was about to do to myself... and how shocked and hurt they would all be. I mustered the strength then to destroy what I had crafted to end my life. And held what remained over a the flame of a candle. That night, all of them saved my life.
Epiphany
All of my life I have been told it's all in my head or I'm making it up. The worst thing is realizing they were probably all right. What frustrated me to no end is that it's not an answer. I've been treated for depression, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, IBS, chronic headaches, and multiple other medical issues with no real resolution. In the end it was one person who broke through to me, and helped me realize it was in fact all in my head, and that didn't mean I was crazy, I just needed help. I listed off my issues I was experiencing as they checked each of them off a list they have experienced themselves and they told me one thing. I'm not that damn special. I'm not so special that I'm the only one who goes through this. They gave a glimpse into a world I was vastly unfamiliar with, and I saw myself looking into a mirror as they described how their problems affect them and what they do to cope, and that it is possible to get better, but it will be very hard.
Awakening
I was unable to drive myself. I had someone I trust drive me to my first appointment. I shuffled my feet the entire way until I was inside the closed examination room and broke down. "What brings you in today?" The doctor asked me. "I need help... please.." was all I could manage to say. He asked me several yes or no questions and I started to calm down and talk to him. We discussed the medications he was going to put me on, and what he recommended I do next. Hearing "You aren't the worst case we've seen." at my first therapy appointment was re-assuring. We discussed a lot in 2 hours and put forth a plan of action to start me on the right path.
Enduring
What I do now determines my very existence. I can choose to hide behind my past and continue to struggle, or finally fight back and take back control of my life. I already know it will not be easy, but nothing in my life has been easy. That's why I am the man I am today, that's why I'm able to tell my story. I may even have stumbles along the way, but hardly anything can possibly match what I've already been through. I'm a survivor, a fighter, and I refuse to let this be the one thing that takes me out. I have no clue what the future holds, but one thing I know about the future, is that it will be nothing like my past.
Living
To be continued...
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